Quin

My son loves breakfasty food for breakfast....
I make up a huge batch of scrambled eggs, sausage, bacon, onions, peppers, potatoes...
Then roll into tortillas or crepes & freeze.
Microwave & Go.
Q

Quin,
 
I agree that marriage is a very complex animal that encompasses all the many things that you listed.  There are many strong marriages that can go through that list and highlight several areas where they've greatly struggled.  It's also very tough to try to deconstruct that entire marriage to the point of posting on a forum without turning it into a book.  I don't think it's oversimplifying so much as trying to cut to the chase.  
 
There also is the concept of a dealbreaker.  A dealbreaker is something within a marriage so important that if it happens (or in this particular thread isn't happening) it's just cause for termination of the relationship.  Adultery is the classic example.  For many people, that's a dealbreaker.  Everything else on your list could be 100% perfect, but if one partner commits adultery, it's over.  Though I think we can all agree that if adultery has happened, the other stuff on the list can't be 100% perfect.  Which I think is the heart of what you were saying, you can't just break it down to one thing.  However, the dealbreaker is what turns an unhappy marriage into an unacceptable marriage.  
 
Now what may be a dealbreaker for one person, may not be a dealbreaker for another.  For some couples, adultery is a dealbreaker, but others are able to move past adultery and return to a strong relationship.  But like you said, it takes BOTH parties working together to fix it.  So what's a guy to do if the other party is either unwilling or unable to work toward fixing it?   Then what?  
 
Getting back to the dilemma of the OP and myself.  What if you fell like you've done everything you can to try to fix the relationship only to see your spouse unwilling or unable to work on it?  If a sexless marriage is a dealbreaker, where do you go from there?  

My personal belief is that after 3, most of us just sort of go numb and accept the new normal.
Q

You should maintain perspective on things. But beware of ideas that would discount the seriousness of sin as well.
 
Per the handbook, you will not be given a disciplinary counsel for what you've given here as your sins.
 
 
Nothing you've spoken of is an excommunication offense.
 
 
 
This is not the way sealings work. For a sealing to be broken it must be officially broken by authorization of the first presidency.
 
 
Talk to your bishop. He will counsel you through it.
 
There is a balance that needs to be struck in your feelings. Yes, sin is serious. Yes, it causes guilt, and justly so. Yes, you should feel bad about it. Yes, you need to repent sincerely. But your concerns and fears strike me as extreme beyond what they should be. Your sins are not "pretty light stuff", but they aren't the end of the world either. And you can repent and you can be forgiven. What your sins are, however, is common. They are very, very common. That does not discount the serious nature sin. But you should understand that there are many, many, many men in the church who have struggled with the same. Many have overcome and some are now even your leaders, free and clear from such burdens. Sins can be repented of. And you can be made clean.
 
As for how your wife will feel, that depends on your wife, and it is one of those "reap what you sew" things. That is one of the downsides of sin. It hurts others. Hopefully she will be understanding and forgiving. Ideally she will be.
 
Talk to your bishop.

I would highly suggest using a Private Investigator due to the extensive nature of the search. Using different names over a 20 year period with a long rap sheet would be difficult for even those online services to track down everything entirely. A Private Investigator will have connections, pull strings, and get you every detail and piece of information he or she can from those case files. Normally I am all for being proactive and gathering information on your own accord but with that extensive amount of information I think it would be best to rely on a professional.
 
Just my two cents.

Oh no one could trick me, I am very suspicious lol
More to the point, what does a single, crazed, introverted individual have to offer a family culture anyway?
Oh I remember I had to be less well slinky because the missionaries never knew I had come so I always felt they started their day off kind of bummed out then realized to their shock and amazement (and I could see it on their faces) I had been there the whole time.
It was like stepping into a whole other world of people, I even held my hands differently (the Namaste style).
The only true craziness was me, and it's far (well as far as something can be in a large town).
 
I was suddenly reminded about a talk a friend and I had, and how she said the church would boot me out and I remember saying how I'd want any talk that I might have given to rhyme...

LOL...
I'm not even an investigator (converted a few years back)... And I still have the missionaries over once or twice a week!
- Partly it's because I'm young-ISH (Peter-Pan kind of family. The 70+ crowd is going mountain climbing this weekend, the 30-40s & Teens are heading to a Campout Concert, the elementary aged parents are going paintballing. We're all active & chatty... Which means we tend to "attract" a lot of teens & 20 something's.)
- Partly it's because -when I cook- I cook for an army. I end up with a lot of my college neighbors coming over to potluck BBQ in the summer, or Soup-Luck in the winter. This is a combo of the youngish + food.
- Partly it's because I'm a single mom.
ANY of those 3 issues rate having missionaries over fairly often. Either because they relate personality-wise (and they're people. The ones I especially gel with tend to stop by just to chat towards the end of the day, just because their days are hard sometimes), or because 20 year old guys are perpetually starving, or because as a single parent there's often a lot of stuff I don't necessarily "need" help with, but that I'm grateful for that help. And ALSO because missionaries are our "full time priests". I don't have a priesthood holder in my house, so it's either the missionaries job, or my HT/VTs job to make sure that spiritually things are copesetic.
So DONT convert just to "get rid" of them!
You're young, so there's going to be commonality.
You don't hold the priesthood, so there may be spiritual needs to be addressed at a lower level than the Bishop.
Like the field of dreams,.. If you feed them, they will come (Ahem. Following my divorce I was ramen-broke. There have been months where I didn't have enough for myself, much less others. Missionaries aren't vultures. But if you invite them over FOR food? It's like that sandwich commercial.)
They won't be over every day, or anywhere as often as when you're investigating, and you can definitely hermit up post converting (we have a few converts who just aren't very social)... Or you can maintain a level of social interaction with them. After converting it's pretty much your choice of how active & involved you are with different areas of the church.
I happen to end up as a missionary-hub more often than not.
Which is why what you wrote cracked me up.
It's not a requirement, by any means, though!
Q

This isn't over a washer & dryer.
You did a favor for someone.
Who has now, instead of being grateful for that favor, (much less returning the favor), has spit in your face.
It's not petty, it's;
Thank GOODNESS you've learned what kind of people these individuals are in such an inexpensive venue.
They have no respect for you, your trust, your belongings, or the effort & length you are willing to go to & through for your friends.
To me, friendship is about equality. There's, give, flow back and forth between individuals in a relationship.
While my friends and I differ in many ways, when that dynamic changes (or doesn't exist in the first place) the friendship ceases. There may still be a relationship of some kind, but there is no more friendship. I will not do for them any more than I would do for some random stranger. And if they've hurt me, or mine? Then it's a step lower. Just because I've ended a friendship, after learning that a person isn't my friend... Doesn't make them my enemy. Actively trying to hurt me or mine, does.
Standards.
Those whom we choose to associate with, much less choose to trust, need to meet the bare minimum.
Q

This isn't over a washer & dryer.
You did a favor for someone.
Who has now, instead of being grateful for that favor, (much less returning the favor), has spit in your face.
It's not petty, it's;
Thank GOODNESS you've learned what kind of people these individuals are in such an inexpensive venue.
They have no respect for you, your trust, your belongings, or the effort & length you are willing to go to & through for your friends.
To me, friendship is about equality. There's, give, flow back and forth between individuals in a relationship.
While my friends and I differ in many ways, when that dynamic changes (or doesn't exist in the first place) the friendship ceases. There may still be a relationship of some kind, but there is no more friendship. I will not do for them any more than I would do for some random stranger. And if they've hurt me, or mine? Then it's a step lower. Just because I've ended a friendship, after learning that a person isn't my friend... Doesn't make them my enemy. Actively trying to hurt me or mine, does.
Standards.
Those whom we choose to associate with, much less choose to trust, need to meet the bare minimum.
Q

Sounds like you'd love love love Elmore Leonard's style of writing.
He's written something like a gazillion (okay, more like 40 or 50, so not that many) books, although so many of them have been turned into films & tv series it seems like more (Get Shorty, Justified, etc.).
He's almost pathological about using as little description as possible.
Actors & Directors love him, because his stories create these huge outlines for them to play in.
Readers split 50/50. Between those who love/need imagery in a story, and those who hate it and skip over.
Q

1) ALMOST good writing.
It just makes me want to choke the editor.
C'mon! How hard is it to say "Tight this part up a bit, show don't tell here, and THEN I'll buy it."
It just kills me when a book could be GREAT with some polish, but instead reads like a first draft.
2) Bad writing.
The only example of which I have at hand is "Encalve".
It could be the poster-child for "show don't tell, write what you know, research, research, research, & check your math".
Show Don't Tell
Characters LITERALLY change their entire outlook on life for NO discernible reason.
1 paragraph = running and in love with their way of life / fought hard to get to where they are
2 paragraph = has decided that the entire way of life is a sham
Sha-what??? WHY??? No reason. Wait. Except, clearly, in the outline... Character needs to reject their way of life.
Face. Palm.
Write what you know
- On multiple occasions author (I actually cringed typing that) has her characters running -without stopping- for HOURS. 8, 10, 12+
All of which is not only impossible (even for marathon runners) but the character has NEVER run long distance before, and the distances are insane. Sprinter speeds. In pitch dark. With no training. Day in & day out. Gaaaaaaah.
Research, research, research.
- The diet she has her characters eating would have killed everyone via malnutrition GENERATIONS ago.
- Subway glass, previously solid, does not punch out like in the movies when superheroes punch glass
- Running without a break, at top speed, for all day, all night, and all the next day (and almost every description of running in the book, period) is impossible for Homo sapiens.
- 10,000 other "No. That's wrong." examples...
Check your math (the part where you add 1+1 and it equals 47).
This is both continuity & premise. Including a bunch of stuff about rape & rape victims, which should be criminally offensive, instead of horrifyingly offensive (premise), as well as # of days or hours doing XYZ coming up wrong (continuity).
Q

Cut to the next scene where MDFXDB is married to a stunningly gorgeous, kind, exciting, amazing deaf Jewish girl with ADHD who was raised in the foster care system, ran away at 14, did what she had to to survive until joining Cirque du Soleil, Now owns/operate a rabidly successful circus arts program for kids that foster kids can attend for free.
Q

My personal belief is that after 3, most of us just sort of go numb and accept the new normal.
Q

It generally is easy to discover if someone has a criminal conviction with minimal effort and no background check. Criminal convictions as stated earlier are a matter of public record, sometimes they get sealed, vacated or expunged completely however a majority of the time said individual with a conviction does not attempt to do that.
 
Working as a process server it is vital I know if this person will be more inclined to get physical or even attempt to shoot me than your average contact. A quick Google search often yields results as most newspapers publish a list of convictions everyday. Also the state courts, in your case Oregon, usually has a free search option for some, but sometimes you have to pay. Keep in mind that is for Oregon convictions only, not countrywide.
 
A little at home research will often yield a great deal of results if someone has been in the justice system at some point. Hope in the end you did find out what you needed to.

Some thoughts:- Any start is better than no start. "It" may not seem like enough (ANYTHING), but anything is better than nothing.
- Assume your wife is smart. She KNOWS work isn't fun & games. It's an easy trap to fall into... The "who's got it worse/ justifying" game. Don't. Just don't. It will only end badly. So when she says that you get a break from the kids because you get to go to work, instead of being defensive, try taking that as a 1) True/False statement. Yep. True. & 2) Read in between the lines. As parents you BOTH work 14-16 hour a day jobs. But she works 1 14+ hour a day job! and you work 2. BOTH are hard for different reasons. You can fall into the trap of trying to prove who has it harder (again, don't), or take it to mean that your wife is burning out,,and is asking for a change. She's just doing it badly. Consider this: In my area, a full time nanny makes between $2500 & $4,000 a month. For 9 hour days. she does the SAME job as a SAHM. But she is only "on" for 9 hours a day, has 2 days off a week, & can call in sick. Most SAHPs go a little crazy UNTIL THE LAST KID IS IN SCHOOL... Because they don't have even these BASIC work standards. Once the kids are all in school, their "work day" shrinks to apx 9-12hours. When they're sick,they can get the kids to school & sleep (not exactly a "real" sick day.... But have you ever not called in sick to work for 5+ years? It's horrible. To which end... If you want to make a SAHPs work-life more humane
- When SHE's sick... Call in sick to work (FMLA guarantees you the right)... And take care of the kids so that she can sleep & recover
- Of you get 2 days off of work each week, try splitting your weekend so SHE gets equal time off. Since Sundays are a family day... Try every other weekend. She gets 1 Saturday to sleep until noon, go out with friends, read a book at the park -whatever- ... While you mind he kids, cool, clean, etc. Next Saturday, you take the day and sleep till you wake up, meet the boys, etc.
- Ever "worked through lunch" & all your breaks? It's exhausting! Same with kids. Yes, you eat, but as human beings we need time to turn our brains off. Even if just for a few minutes. There is a reason SAHPs CRY when their kids give up naps. To which end... If your wife is working 9 hours without a lunch break... Try giving her an hour off (or even half an hour off) when you get home.
- Make sure she knows the huge monetary influx she has brought to your family by being a SAHM. Whatever daycare would cost, plus all the time off work you'd have to take whenever the kids couldn't go to daycare is LITERALLY a thousand saved = a thousand earned.
>>>> what his is doing is NOT saying that you aren't working, and then coming home and working. What it DOES do is give her the same kind of standards that YOU have at work.. It splits her day into 2 parts, (almost) the same way yours is. A lunch break, time off when sick, at least 2 days off a month. These are very small changes,,but they mean the WORLD. There is a reason why not providing your employees these things is illegal. But if you want your wife to have them, it does mean maki some small changes.
- If you're spending LESS than 2 hours a day cleaning... Sorry, Charlie. No griping. The average SAHP spends a minimum of 2 hours a day being a maid. Not just in the chores everyone has to do by living (as a single person in an apt.) but the added volume of cleaning necessary to do when you're cleaning up after 2-10 other people. And when it's cleaning up after kids? Oy veh. You can vacuum every day. There's still a mess on the floor every day.

Criminal history is a matter of public record.
You don't have to hire a service for that in most places (there are aspects to each of our legal & life histories that are not in the public domain which background checks do searches for, that require some level of authority or provable need -or the person's permission, like in applying for housing/ volunteer status/ etc. For those things you need a service or permission.), unless the person has moved around a bunch and you don't want to spend your time going state by state.
Here's California's public record access portal, for example:
http://oag.ca.gov/consumers/general/pra
Q

I mostly spend my reading time in learning pursuits, especially health, exercise and nutrition. I get annoyed with poorly referenced regurgitated drivel about how bad the evil carbohydrates are and how especially vile grains are. When these author's do cite sources they tend to be misrepresented or inadequate. I hate this... a book can be great in many other points but I still can feel like stopping once they go off on the evil carbs. The biggest problem with this nonsense being there is no dispute that highly refined carbohydrates are nutrient poor, but when this gets extrapolated out into high quality fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and legumes it quickly loses all credibility as these are the most nutrient-dense foods available. 

Cut to the next scene where MDFXDB is married to a stunningly gorgeous, kind, exciting, amazing deaf Jewish girl with ADHD who was raised in the foster care system, ran away at 14, did what she had to to survive until joining Cirque du Soleil, Now owns/operate a rabidly successful circus arts program for kids that foster kids can attend for free.
Q

1) ALMOST good writing.
It just makes me want to choke the editor.
C'mon! How hard is it to say "Tight this part up a bit, show don't tell here, and THEN I'll buy it."
It just kills me when a book could be GREAT with some polish, but instead reads like a first draft.
2) Bad writing.
The only example of which I have at hand is "Encalve".
It could be the poster-child for "show don't tell, write what you know, research, research, research, & check your math".
Show Don't Tell
Characters LITERALLY change their entire outlook on life for NO discernible reason.
1 paragraph = running and in love with their way of life / fought hard to get to where they are
2 paragraph = has decided that the entire way of life is a sham
Sha-what??? WHY??? No reason. Wait. Except, clearly, in the outline... Character needs to reject their way of life.
Face. Palm.
Write what you know
- On multiple occasions author (I actually cringed typing that) has her characters running -without stopping- for HOURS. 8, 10, 12+
All of which is not only impossible (even for marathon runners) but the character has NEVER run long distance before, and the distances are insane. Sprinter speeds. In pitch dark. With no training. Day in & day out. Gaaaaaaah.
Research, research, research.
- The diet she has her characters eating would have killed everyone via malnutrition GENERATIONS ago.
- Subway glass, previously solid, does not punch out like in the movies when superheroes punch glass
- Running without a break, at top speed, for all day, all night, and all the next day (and almost every description of running in the book, period) is impossible for Homo sapiens.
- 10,000 other "No. That's wrong." examples...
Check your math (the part where you add 1+1 and it equals 47).
This is both continuity & premise. Including a bunch of stuff about rape & rape victims, which should be criminally offensive, instead of horrifyingly offensive (premise), as well as # of days or hours doing XYZ coming up wrong (continuity).
Q

I was thinking of Dorothy Parker's book review: this book should not be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.

Along with the above...
- A necessary thing. Without the fall, the rest of our spirits would not have had the chance to come to this world. No learning, no progression, no choosing the path to God. Just 2 people. Birth is painful & full of risk... Just like the fall... But it's necessary for new life. In order for us to use our agency/free will to CHOOSE the Father, we kinda had to get here, first.
- Also a love story. Adam could have rejected Eve, had her fall all on her own. Instead he chose to face the unknown with her. Choosin to face the wrath of God, is no small thing. But be it stepping out into moving traffic for our child, or risking death for those we love in any other circumstance, it's a choice made of love. It's growing up. Accepting the consequences of our actions, whether we know them ahead of time, or not.
All good things.
Not necessarilly fun, happy, or joyous things. But good things.
Q

Thanks for sharing, Quin.  I'd love to hear a sum up of what you read every week.  I read a lot too but don't post nearly half of what i read.  I figure i'd start sounding like a lone echo, but i love hearing what others are reading.
 
Last fiction book i read:  A Princess of Mars by Edgar Rice Burroughs.  I read this book at the request of my husband.  He's read all of this particular series and loves super macho man books.  I was teasing him about that again (which is so much fun), and he told me--again--that i should read it for myself.  So i told him i would if he would read one of the christian romance books i tend to read a lot of.  Poor man.  He's plodding through a christian romance book while i read this one.  It was actually quite entertaining.  Nothing particularly special about it... but entertaining in a super macho man kind of way.
 
Last audiobook i listened to:  The Kings of Clonmel by John Flanagan.  Book 8 in the series.  I like this series.  They are fun books.  I love the sense of brotherhood and fellowship from the characters in these books.  They all play different roles but work for a common purpose.  I love the respect and friendship they have for one another.
 
Last LDS non-fiction book:  Men of Valor: The Powerful Impact of a RIghteous Man by Robert L. Millet.  I loved this book.  It was amazing.  And while it was written for a male audience, i found i learned a lot that could help me in my life as a woman.  I thought it had some interesting ways of looking at variuos principles.  I had never thought of them that way before, and it was really helpful.
 
Last non-fiction book:  The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis.  Really good book.  Love C.S. Lewis.  He has a way of putting things that just makes sense.
 
Last christian romance book:  The Merchant's Daughter by Melanie Dickerson.  A Beauty and the Beast type story.  I liked it, but then i just eat this type of thing up like crazy.

If you are wanting to throw books across the room, might I recommend a book on anger management?  

I'm confused.
When I first read what you wrote, I took it to mean that AFTER baptism you'd have to chose to change genders (again) in order to progress.
On re-read... Am I understanding correctly that your mission president says you cannot be baptized?
And even further... FIRST presidency is saying you cannot be baptized?
Purely do to being trans?
Because that would be news, big news, if trans people were not allowed to be baptized into the church.
Q

Not dating friends, because you don't want to ruin the friendship / they're too important to you, is stupid.
Your friends will date/marry someone and then you'll see them twice a year.
Pura Vida.
Just because you earned it, doesn't mean you have to spend it.
Get plastic surgery when young. Age a bit, and you'll need orthopedic & other structural surgeries, so the optional ones will be at the bottom of a long list.
Unless they're children, don't put other people's wants and needs ahead of your own.
You can only abandon kids & pets & casualties. Everyone else can (and SHOULD!) be able to take care of themselves.
Keep your resumè current & usable.
Boundaries.
Q