whoami

Members
  • Posts

    6
  • Joined

  • Last visited

Everything posted by whoami

  1. This was a ery insightful post Quin. Thank you for taking the time to type it. If you bet on this you'd be right. That is the problem. I'm aware that she feels these things, which I attribute to her lower self esteem rather than the way I actually communicate because it's easier to identify (I say it a bit tongue in cheek but of course it IS really hard to admit/know when you are the problem) By this you mean when I work on MY self improvement she takes that as me saying that she is no longer good enough? And if so, how do I improve without causing her to feel bad? Unfortunately you're suggestion of asking permission doesn't seem to apply in most cases. She is the primary cook and it would be impracticable to do otherwise as I com home late from work. If I decide I want to avoid meat, she has to accommodate(which means she has to know that I don't want to eat it), or I have to cook something separately (which seems like would still imply all that stuff you were suggesting). The only practical thing is that I don't change diet if she's not on board. Externally this would be putting the needs/feelings of my wife over mine. Which is admirable but not practical in my estimation, since despite my best efforts, I'm still an imperfect person and would probably feel resentment towards her, feel like shes' controlling me/limiting me. I freely admit it's selfish but doesn't really make it less true. Heck if I was so perfectly selfless or she was, we wouldn't have any problems...no one would .Anyways, again thanks. I will work on being more sensitive to the things I say.
  2. Yes, most definitely. This is a concern for her, which helps me be more empathetic. But it's hard to always be held accountable for something you feel like you have no control over, to always have it hanging over your head to be pulled out at the slightest misstep.
  3. That's a beautiful analogy Windseeker. Thank you for sharing and reminding me that I need to be more unconditionally loving... And no, I haven't read that book. I'll be sure to give it a read. Thanks.
  4. Yes...I could have written this. :) Do we have the same wife!!?? I agree. and I feel that I do a good job not trying to push what I learn on my wife. I'm perfectly capable of her and me having different opinions and different knowledge. I just feel like she's not content with me learning because it makes her feel more inadequate. She has actually said to me that she feels that she should do the same. Also sometimes just doing things sets her off. For example, I've taken an interest in health lately. So the other night when she was gone I made some healthy food and made extras to freeze. When she got home she lamented the fact that I was doing that. She said she felt bad because she should be the one cooking and making healthy stuff. The is a very normal thing in our household. I do something with NO intention of spiting her or making her feel bad. but she interprets my actions as an attack on her. The same is true of communication. She looks for the hidden meaning meant to put her down or otherwise be critical, even where there is none. She does this not just with me but with everyone. She applies negative intent to peoples actions/words all the time.
  5. This is great advice, thank you. If she is ever willing to go, I will take it. Yes...it involves me believing like I did pre faith crisis, which I can't do. This is insightful and I understand it intellectually. Its just hard to give love withoug feeling it in return for an extended time. Her excuse is she doesn't feel it so it's too hard to show it. Of course I do this. I've read 3 books on marriage, love and intimacy, including the one by Gottman you listed. I try to apply what I read, but do so imperfectly of course. No, not really. I have pointed out the same to her when saying it. But belief makes reality and since she believes it, and won't change her belief, it makes it true. And for a mormon who puts religion/faith as the MOST important thing in life and we share separate belief even witin the same religion, to her we are therefore completely different in our goals. I seek for personal understanding in the unknown, she seeks comfort in surety.
  6. Hey all, I'm new here. I just have some thought and questions I need to out and don't really have the kind of relationship with anyone that I can turn to in person. A little background. I went through a faith crisis over a year ago that completely changed how I view the world. At the start of it I was very lost and confused and frankly felt hurt and betrayed and didn't know what to believe about religion, especially Mormonism. Eventually, I worked through it, change my perspective greatly on any number of things, but eventaully got to the point I am now. I am still a practicing, "faithful", temple recommend holding member. I have made very few outward changes related to my new faith perspective. Mostly it is just in my mind/heart. Needless to say this was very devastating at the time to my wife who feared I was going to leave the church. Even after I got over the worst of it and assured her I would stay active, she has always worried that I might "change my mind." Moreover, since I shared many of my doubts at the time, she feels as though I've forever changed her faith as well, which I feel really remorseful for. If I could go back and change it I would have worked through it in private, but one rarely thinks straight in a crisis. Before faith crisis we'd occasionally have big fights but they would be many months between. Our biggest struggle was that I didn't communicate as much as she'd like. I was comfortable with silence and so she felt like I just didn't care. Fast forward to faith crisis and we were having major conflict 3 to 4 times a week. Even after the crisis passed for me we couldn't go a week without a major conflict. So much conflict has taken it's toll. It has really hurt our friendship and the foundation of our love. We even got to the point where divorce was brought up. She feels like we're so different now (again, because of how I interpret the gospel, not how I act) I've begged her many times to go to counseling and she won't. She's not very clear on why but I get the gist that it comes down to a fear of her concerns about our marriage being made to appear unjustified. She seems worried that therapist would side with me. Add to this she has anxiety and (undiagnosed) mild depression. We have 4 young children that are very high energy so she often is stressed and at her limit when I get home. She also has very low selfestem and tends to view many of her interactions with people in the worst light. By this I mean she is constantly appling negative meaning to slomething that doesn't have to be negative (such as so and so didn't reply to my text so she must not like me or I did something to offend here) She talks about going to a regular counselor but doesn't actually go. I feel bad for her. I really do. I realize that my crisis added greatly to her anxiety. She has told me she doesn't feel "the same love" for me anymore. Though at time she's also said she doesn't love me because I'm not the same person anymore. I've tried very hard to make positive changes to myself. I've read books on communication. I've gone out of my way to communicate more with her, even though I don't naturally feel so inclined. Since she wouldn't go to counseling I suggested we read a marriage book, which we diid. Even whild doing so we constantly fought. Sometime's I just don't know why I try. I long ago wondered if I even love her anymore. But I came across some advice to set a time frame in which you would not end it no matter what. The idea being that you would put all your effort into making things work for this 6 month period...kind of a last stand. So that's what i feel I've been doing. But I don't feel the same is reciprocated. I truely believe she has given up and is waiting for the time to lapse. Every time I express an unmet need, she cries and tells me how aweful a wife she is. Sometimes she says she'll change and start doing it (for example I ask that she go out of her way to show love by doing thoughtful, nice things for me, anything, as I have been doing for her). But she rarely follows through and so we have a simialr conversation a few months later, adding to my despair it won't change. Which brings to the next problem and the actual focus of my post. As part of my crisis you could say that I have become like a child again. For the first time since I actually was a child, I view the world in awe. I am innately curious about things and so have been consuming books on all kinds of subjects. At first it was church history, since I wanted to fully understand those things that were part of my crisis. Then I got bored and moved on to other things. As I read, the new knowledge sometimes requires that I apply it with changes in my life to get the most benefit (such as ideas on food/diet). While I think most people would consider these things as positive, my wife sees them as a threat. She sees me changing, and us becoming less and less compatible. She sees me with all these new interests and is so critical/defensive of them. And so I dont' know quite what to do. I could stop reading, and stop trying to, from my perspective, better myself. It may help temporarily but I worry I wll build up resentment because of it (as I have in some other things). On bad days I feel like she's right. Maybe we are not compatible. But I also feel our judgment is flawed due to our emotions and extended hardship, as well as confirmation bias, fluidity of memories, etc. So what the heck can I do!? the dead line is almost hear and I have to say that except for one month of respite, I don't think much has gotten better. I've considered the ultimatum of go to counseling or divorce but feel that would just force the divorce. How do people deal with changes in marriage? How can you be "one" if you genuinely have different goals? Obvoiusly I don't want a divorce. I love my children and don't want to be apart from them. Nor do I wan them to suffer because of this. But I just feel at my end here. More and more I am feeling depressed and I worry the longer this goes on the worse it will be. sorry for the long rant.