journeying

It may sound strange but I found out about his drinking and pornography use because a voice told me to check the car and a computer of mine he was using. When I went into the car I found alcohol. When I went on the computer and looked at his history I found the porn. While I was on the computer he was acting very suspect, yelling at me why did I need to be on my own computer? I found it and confronted him. I am not at all perfect but I really believe I am doing many good things for him and our family. I don't raise my voice I am always there for him and my kids. I try to do things to make him happy, he has now accused me of being a "molly Mormon". Which hurts a lot, he is just as active as I. He tells me I'm not the same person he married, he's right when I married him I was inactive, partying and maybe he liked that better. But I was also in my early 20's and a college student. Once I had children I decided to give up bad behavior and repent.

Thanks I appreciate all your advice and it makes me think. I don't want to divorce him it's just really hard when I don't feel like I can trust him. I guess it's something we need to work on. I do love him but what feels strange to me is I don't have those worried, upset feelings. I am thinking much more logical about this. I also believe that because of much prayer and fasting on my part I am being comforted by the Holy Ghost. There are times in our home where he snaps at me, tells me how hard he works, how hard his life is. Really I don't think his life is too bad. We are so blessed. After a while of him being grouchy at me and belittling me I get worn down. What pains me the most is that is he can be miserable in the life he has now, will he ever be happy? We have worked long and hard together to get where we are and Heavenly Father has opened and poured out blessings to us. Could it scare him that I stay home with my children and make more money then him? Maybe that is an insecurity for him? It shouldn't be, everything I have worked for was to better our "family" not just myself. I don't want to have to apologize because Heavenly Father has provided me with the means to take care of our special needs daughter. For me losing trust is the hardest part...I don't to divorce him and I do want to be in a happy family with him.

Thanks for your reply. Right now I am not at peace with divorcing him, if it continues in the future I may be more comfortable, but I don't feel like I used to about him. I am trying to serve him the best I can as well as my children. We don't have bad arguments, but it's so hard to be with someone that you can't trust 100%. When I found out he was looking at pornography and drinking I had one second of sadness and then I felt fine. Not that it was ok more of a feeling like I can't change him if this is the path he chooses but me and my children will be fine. Almost a feeling of comfort... We get along ok, it's almost more like friends raising our children, yet I don't really trust him so it's such a strange situation. I wonder if that is a good marriage.

I am so blessed and sometimes I'm not sure why... Yet we all have trials and mine involves my husband. We have been married for 13 years and we have 3 children preteen down to 1. We are sealed in the temple and my husband is a very active convert of 14 years. The most important thing to me is to do everything I can to make sure my children follow the straight and narrow. We have a special needs daughter who will grow up to be just fine if we get her the right help now. We are in the process of moving to a different state to get her one of the best schools for her condition. After much prayer we have been strongly told by Heavenly Father that we should move within the next few months. Things seem to be going well. But my husband has been looking at pornography online, I caught him recently and I'm not sure how long it has been going on. He says it just pops up on the screen and he doesn't click on it. He's not too computer savy so I know he's lying. He also confessed to me that he has been occasionally drinking with friends. I feel that he has been looking at pornography for a long time but he won't admit it. At times he is nasty to me and leads me to believe it's my fault. He will swear sometimes and be rude to me, he tells me about the problems I have. This is classic behavior from an addict, making me believe it's my fault. The problem is because he has lied about these things in the past and won't admit it now I don't feel I can trust him. I am not upset, I used to be but over time you become numb to it. I love him but I have lost some of it. I'm not trying so hard to hold our relationship together anymore. I am financially independent and so if we divorce I will be completely fine. I know Heavenly Father would like me to forgive him and I do 100%. It's just so hard to be in a marriage with someone I don't trust who won't admit his sins. I would appreciate advice about what I should do.