Ron65

#4 (permalink) 02-05-2014, 12:50 PM Ron65 Member Join Date: Jan 2014 Location: England Religion: Mormon / LDS / Christian Posts: 42 Thanks: 1 Thanked 19 Times in 14 Posts Laughs: 0 Laughs at 0 Times in 0 Posts -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- First, you might feel I am being too kind with the comments I am about to give, but I only give constructive opinions if I see potential. Second; yes I am feeling sorry, not because of your poem, but because it’s the only one you have written that can be shared with us. Thirdly, although the poem has the feel of an 11-year-old, it was a good attempt and you have some talent for rhyming, which is not an easy skill, AND it also contains some quite subtle poetic devices, which might surprise you. I often analyse poetry to discover what lies within, which is quite often missed on the first reading only because I first try to feel the flow or musicality of the poem. I then re-read to see how the rhyming comes though (if used) and also to see if it contains any echoing sound effects, both obvious and subtle. Some poetry have very subtle rhyming/half-rhyming devices and in many cases, very subtle echoes too, which your poem has. Although the poem was written when you were 11 years old, I noticed some interesting things going on. First of all, let’s get the negative out of the way, which I am quite sure you are aware of. Its one small drawback is the ‘flow’ of words; but other than that, as I said, it has some interesting elements within the poem, which you may not have been aware of. The obvious poetic device used comes across loud and clear, which is the rhyming, as I have already mentioned. The poem, again as already mentioned, also contains subtle sound effects, or echoes as they are sometimes called. I don’t know if you are familiar with poetic terms or not, but the first line for example uses the device called ‘assonance’, which is the repetition of internal vowel sounds as found in ‘have’ and ‘dachshund’ and in line two, although the vowels are different (the ‘e’ and ‘i’) the words ‘he is’ have the same sound. In line three it happens in a group of three; ‘always chases badgers’. That line also contains echoes at the end of each word where the letter ‘s’ is used, (referred to as the repetition of consonant sounds, either internal and as endings) . In line four, we have assonance again (with the sounds of the letter ‘i’ ) in the words ‘which’ and ‘him’ and a very subtle consonance with the letter ‘h’ in both words. In line five you have used the device called ‘alliteration’ where the first letter sound is repeated as in ‘he has’ and in line six, ‘funny floppy’ plus an extra echo (consonance) with the letter ‘y’ at the end of each word. So, even though it was written when you were quite young, it has some interesting poetic devices, probably subconsciously written, that holds it together and makes it sound quite charming. If the flow was corrected it would sound even better, but don’t you dare change it, or you will lose that childhood feel about it. Mind you, I suppose you could re-write it to create a new poem based on the original. With those subtle poetic devices pointed out, you might now read that poem in a different light and actually ‘feel’ the poetry coming though. I always enjoy reading children’s poetry, which are often quite naïve due to the lack of poetic understand, but they always come though in a sweet and charming way; they are honest pieces of writing that comes from the heart.

The message posted here is in the wrong place so has been removed and placed in its correct place at http://www.lds.net/forums/poetry/58208-my-one-only-poem-11-year-old.html

Why not share it with us. It might set you off on a new path of discovery. Creating poetry is a divine attribute. The Book of Psalms is rich in free verse poetry, all divinely written, a gift from heaven.

You can move forward in one of two ways. 1 - Continue from the end of the last write and progress towards the end; but as you write, your current feelings, mood, family and personal concerns etc., will probably, on a subconscious level, influence your thoughts and inner feelings that could lead you to an ending based on those influences, be it sad or happy. You say you are afraid it might end with a sad note; a writer must never be afraid of how a poem might end; it can create problems for the writer that leads to writer's block or holds the poet back from progressing or completing a poem. 2 - if you ARE concerned about a possible sad ending and want to avoid it, then write the ending NOW, with a happy result, even if it’s just the last two lines or the last stanza, then try to work out/invent a pathway that leads to that happy ending. You current feelings and emotions as outlined in No 1 above will still become an influence in your writing, but as you write, you can have greater control over your subconscious influences based on the conscious ending you have created - if you see what I mean. If the original draft comes out with sad overtones, you can of course take control and change them once you see the results on paper or the computer screen. Write from the heart and then make light changes that suit the poems storyline that leads to the planned ending. Do you what I do sometimes, I do automatic writing where I simply let the subconscious mind pour out its feelings and thoughts onto paper with no control of what comes out (within he bounds of moral acceptance of course). I can quite quickly fill a full sheet of A4 with what might at first sight appear to be gibberish, but within that page of gibberish you will find little gems here and there that can be untilised within a poem. Let the mind go; be completely free from conscious thought and let the words flow. Write whatever your subconscious tells you to put onto paper. As an example, while writing this message I suddenly came out with - 'the man gave away his brooch but now regrets it and wanted to find a way to get it back without feeling awkward about it. 'How can I get it back he thought', 'steal it, plead insanity, explain how my heavy debts caused me to act irrationally and beg for the return of the brooch, get the dog to retrieve it, he loves toffees and refused to share it with the cat, the cat was offended so refused to help and told the neighbour'. Re-reading those words, some of it is plain gibberish, but within those few words there could be a gem of an idea, something sensible, logical and even powerful. Whenever I feel stumped, I find automatic writing extremely simulating for generating ideas for poems. On other occasions, which is an excellent way of helping us become more observant, I simply sit and write down everything I can see, hear and smell around me. The resultant notes then become a useful resource for ideas that can be used in future poems.

Have you noticed how sunflowers hang their heads because of its weight. Seeing sunflowers in my own garden, looking down at the smaller flowers as though watching over them was the inspiration of this free verse poem. Sunflowers in my garden are dying and are ready for the moment of death; but whilst in their prime, they caused the sun to hide its shame by their glorious golden hues in times when life was vibrant and youth was on their side. Overpowered by their cumbrous height, they endured a season of millstones as they towered above the lesser species; yet, leaning forward with heads bowed down, heavy with weighty burdens, they act as though they were mothers watching over adopted little ones. Sweet, tender blossoms gazed upward with tears of morning dew dripping to the ground in remorse for their dying, sunflower mothers.

What - keep posting, writing or creating families? Thank you for reading.

In my opinion, acrostic poetry is more difficult than writing poetry that rhymes. Thank you for your comments.

Free verse poem I have five words I wish to say; Like the words I said last night Over dinner when you seemed to be Very anxious about your age, Even though you need not have been. You still look good, getting Old makes no difference to me; let’s Unleash the powers we have within; let’s be Victorious and pretend we have Eternal youth on our side and Rave and rap every day of the Year. Let’s Mooch a little, Undo our inhibitions to Chase away the blues to beckon Happy days in the autumn of living.

Thank you Chris.

I'm sure many will enjoy reading your poetry, but it's a pity there's very few who respond with comments.

We often find when writing poetry that we simply do not know the end. That for me, is what makes poetry so fascinating; it's a journey of discovery. However, it can happen the other way too; we can know the end and then try to write a beginning and a middle to take us to the end. I'll tell you something, if you don't finish your poem, it can nag you and your readers for quite a long time until you eventually do find an end for it. I wrote something similar last year. In was written in three parts and it was the third part that was written first; I then wrote the second part and finished by writing the first part. I published it on a poetry forum in the order I wrote them, which kept the reader's intrigued. It was about an old man who was seen sitting by the coast looking very solemn and sour and he eventually died. When part three was finished I then had to find out why he was so down. It turned out to be quite sad. I enjoyed your poem by the way, and as your friend said, you need to finish it. You can't keep us on a cliff hanger for too long.

I believe I have remarked on this poem elsewhere and I still say it's a beautiful poem that puts an element of spirituality into nature. I particularly liked the third stanza with its internal rhyme that creates nice sound effects coupled with the end of line rhyme.

A thought popped into my mind of how life comes around in one eternal circle and wrote this little free form poem to record that pondering. I only spent about 20 minutes on the poem and would like some feedback on its content, structure and flow etc. For those who may not know, free form must have rhyme but it's not rhyme set to a fixed pattern as found in traditional poetry, therefore the poet has the freedom to place them wherever he or she wishes. I was once but a spirit, two thoughts in my parent’s minds, intertwined, mingled with love that became flesh, a babe in their arms a bundle of joy, a boy, that grew to ponder such things with thoughts of my own intertwined with wings of another mingled with love to become flesh, a babe of our own, a bundle of joy.

You are not the only one who feels they have a problem with punctuation; most people do to some degree, including myself. Using punctuation in poetry is about 'feeling' rather than 'correctness'. Some poets ignore punctuation and grammar all together in their poetry, but there are still a few rules that needs to be considered so as to make the poem read with the right flow and pace. For example, where you feel a comma may be needed, instead of using a comma, you could break the line and begun a new one. Poetry is written line upon line, whereas prose is not, it's written in paragraphs, much like this message. As for publishing some of your poetry in a book, you can do it without any cost to yourself, yes, really; apart form buying a copy or two for your own bookshelf. It can be done through LULU or AMAZON. The slight drawback to that however is, you will need to compose the enire book yourself from title page, contents page and on to the very last page plus front and back covers. It is time consuming but worth it - I do all my own book creating and cover designing. But having said that, they do have what's called preset books; all you need to do so is to paste your poems onto each page and set up a sale price. The only drawback with that is, all the books sold by the company look very much alike rather than something individual and unique. But then, some don't mind that idea.

The more the merrier. Thank you Chris.