Bless your heart. Life can be unexpectedly hard at times.Sometimes I think our Mormon culture is hard on those with depression. We take the quote "As a man thinketh, so is he," so seriously. At least, I did. I thought that meant I was supposed to be able to control my thoughts and feelings at all times. I hid my depression for awhile, but when I started having thoughts about slamming the car into the barricade with me in it, I knew something was really wrong with my head and I wasn't just making stuff up. I told my husband who was very supportive and we went to the doctor who believed me and helped me. I had 4 children at the time ages 9, 7, 4, 2. I have been on anti depressant meds for 30 years. My kids grew up, have married and are leading productive lives. My depression did not "scar them for life." I have been able to have a functional and happy life all things considered. There are times I feel like the "black hole" will just suck me into oblivion. Luckily, with my meds it doesn't last for more than a few days at a time. My suggestions are to get medical help. Take the meds till one is found that works best for you. Don't be afraid of being on meds "the rest of your life." What a blessing to live in this age where there is medicine to take and feel better. Exercise is good, but I have found yoga to be helpful also. The stretching and holding positions builds strength not only physically but mentally too. The deep breathing and relaxing tense muscles has helped me a lot. I use the deep breathing when I feel myself tense up. I can say from experience that my church callings have helped me in many ways. I haven't always appreciated them at the time I was called. The first time I was called to be Primary chorister I was not happy. I was afraid of being in front of a group of kids and adults, but I kept trying. I didn't always enjoy that calling at the time, but it did help (force) me to develop in ways I would not have chosen. I went on to be Den Leader of my son's cub scout troop and that was another growing experience with a bunch of lively boys. Because of those experiences I was able to secure a teaching position at a private school when my family needed help financially. During my teaching years I was also called again to be the Primary chorister. It was 20 years from my first calling as such. By that time my fear of being in front of people was long gone because I had had to do it so many times as a teacher. That 2nd time I really loved being the chorister and the Primary kids and still look upon that experience as my favorite calling. So, don't give up. Seek medical attention, go to counseling, take medication if needed, don't worry about others judging you. The Lord loves you and so do all of us who have been in your shoes.
