marriedbutlonely

Eternal marriage is the ultimate goal; however, we cannot control another person's actions or decisions. It is not fair to say to a wife that she must just "lower her expectations" of her husband and stay within the bounds of a very unhappy marriage. We have learned through scripture to "endure to the end", but that does not mean that we must set aside our own happiness and the well-being of our children. I will say that the anger management concerns me a great deal. I have a teenage son that began to go down a very destructive path for a while. Counseling brought out that the relationship with his father created a LOT of issues that with all of the love and guidance I gave, I could not overcome. One thing that broke my heart is when he said that he "learned to be tough, and learned to not be afraid" from his father. His father never once hit him, but he did bully him with his anger. It is all but impossible to keep the spirit in your home when your home is constantly full of tension/turmoil. You need to make a choice - for you and for the children. Either the good outweighs the bad, or vice-versa. It the bad outweighs the good, and you cannot live with the horrible tension that you face daily, then you must make a very hard choice. Don't just issue an ultimatum - you must follow through. However, if you are inclined to never leave your husband; then you best put on your happy face and endure. Here are two links that I found very uplifting and useful when making my own decisions of late: http://www.mormonchannel.org/blog/post/focus-on-the-family-3-steps-to-strengthen-family-relationships?cid=social_20150526_46407226&adbid=10153388868132450&adbpl=fb&adbpr=94574597449 Also, the following link has 5 different topics that relate to marital harmony: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods-design-for-marriage/does-your-spouse-see-jesus-in-you/does-your-spouse-see-jesus-in-you Realize that these topics should also apply to him, but you can't force him to do something he is unwilling to do.

I am going to answer from my own perspective in much the same kind of marriage. Anger, laziness, disconnection. It is a hard road to be on when the person that you love is disconnected from the relationship and from your life together. Counseling - I believe it is a must for both partners to see their own part in the break-down of the relationship. Be very, very picky about a counselor. Choose one who is LDS. Make certain you are comfortable with the counselor and that your husband is comfortable. Ultimately, you cannot change someone else. Your husband must be agreeable to counseling; and he must be willing to compromise. But, you also may need to compromise. There is one person that can change you and can change your husband - he is our Savior, Jesus Christ. He can change hearts, behaviors, and outlooks! Make certain that even in your worst of times, you need to pray; you need to read your scriptures and search for answers; and you can seek counsel from your church leaders. It is not fair to you or to your children to stay in a marriage that is this volatile. I know a thing or two about anger, and it can get worse. Ultimately, you can lose your children if they are living in a house that they are not comfortable. Our home should be a haven for our children. If you cannot reconcile things with your husband; you can lose your children to the outside world and outside influences. I wish I could give you a crystal ball to see the answers, but everyone has their own individual agency. Pray long, pray hard, but believe that you do deserve happiness. You do deserve love. Your children deserve to have an example of a loving relationship. Don't give up easily, we need to fight for our eternal love. But, do not feel like a failure if it doesn't work. Sometimes, it just doesn't.

Sorry, one more thing I must note. I do NOT hold any ill-will towards my bishopric at all! They are very spiritual men that have the best of intentions. They spent hours working with our family; and I know that they prayed for us daily. They are very wonderful men that are serving our ward wonderfully.

I would love to believe this. Unfortunately, after time and time again of having him say things in anger that leave a path of destruction. And, time and time again of forgiving him without an apology, I know that one is not coming. Part of the reason for me wanting an apology is that my counselor says that I need to break the cycle that has been occurring in our marriage. She said that we need to retrain ourselves to stop this cycle and to retrain ourselves to communicate the issues better. Without communicating our issues and resolving them, we have years of unresolved issues coming between us. I am honestly just trying to listen to my LDS counselor and to my own inner voice telling me that I do not deserve the treatment that I am getting.

It is hard to give all of the information here as it would be a novel. But, to answer a few questions, my first husband's pornography problem was not just me being naïve. He also basically lied to me about who he was when we married. He preferred pornography to me, hid it all over the house and outside of the house too, and he was also somewhat abusive. He never once went to church after we married, and began to tell me his ideology immediately AFTER we married which included a lot of anti-Mormon information. I did go to therapy and I dealt with this issue in depth. He went on to have several other relationships go south as well. As far as my current relationship, when we were separated (he agreed to move out in a counseling session), we did go to several counseling sessions. He admitted in the last session that one of his major motivating factors for his anger is that he is jealous of our children and the attention they get from me. He admitted this is a problem of his because he "had" me all to himself for 8 years before having children. The counselor at first questioned my fear, but she also saw his anger first-hand and called him a bully right in our session. She told him to stop acting like that; and we actually made progress after that. As far as my bishopric "making" me allow him to move back in - it really did happen. The whole bishopric showed up at my house with my husband in tow. They told me that they would not leave my house until I let him move back in as they thought that he was making good progress and they had a very spiritual experience the night before. I think it was a good thing at the time; however, the negative that came from it is that my husband has since refused to go to any further counseling sessions. When the mother of the children is the major caretaker and an equal contributor to the household income; it was not at all unreasonable for the counselor and myself to suggest that my husband be the one to move out. As a husband and a father, I would think that some of you would understand that uprooting the kids during the separation would have been more harmful to them than staying in their home. Also, we were very careful to go to the counselor with our children to let them know what was happening so that it would impact them less. My children are a great priority in staying with my husband; and in the decision on whether to leave my husband. My problem is that my kids are being affected by this. I know without more information, you cannot likely help me. But, it is hard to put 20 years of information on line. Obviously, there are snap judgments to be made by people who do not know me. However, I do not make snap decisions; and the decision to stay or leave has been agonized over for a long time. I do continue to go to counseling without my husband to try to hear from an unbiased source if I am the only problem in this situation and what I can do to improve myself.

ActiveLDSDadandFather I will admit that I haven't read this whole thread, but just the general premise on the first page. I would like to address the poster that started this thread. Your biggest complaint about your wife seems to be about intimacy. You have a small child, and one one the way. I suggest that you go to therapy, or just read about women and intimacy. You have stated that you cuddle, kiss, and have intimacy outside of the bedroom, but she just isn't in the mood most of the time. I have some experience in this matter unfortunately. If you read about this topic, time and again you will find the information that men and women are extremely different in this area! Men are very visual and for them the connection is basically hormonal. For women, there is so much that goes on inside a women's brain. Her brain, heart, and then body must connect for her to "be in the mood". Please understand that I know how important this part of marriage is. However, one of the hardest hurdles to get over is the beginning of making a family together. Your roles have changed dramatically as you have one (almost two) more lives to revolve around. Sometimes it takes years to figure out this change and how to make it work in your particular situation. You talk as if this problem will last forever. However, I can guarantee you that it is solvable. There needs to be compromise, and most likely therapy, to make it though this issue that is very relevant, but also very common. You sound like a very smart guy. Keep giving your wife your love. Watch daily for the expressions of love that she gives to you. Back rubs, kisses, snuggles, giggles, listening to you. Acknowledge within yourself these expressions and feel truly grateful for them. Do not get bitter, that will only drive the wedge deeper. You CAN make this work. It can be hard, but it will honestly be worth is. Look at the positive, strive to be selfless, but don't let her be selfish either. Let her know what you need - besides in the bedroom. Is there something else you need from her? Make sure you let her know. But, don't forget what she needs to. Ask her - what is she missing in this relationship? Good luck!

I am an LDS wife and mother that has been married for 23 years. I am my husband’s 3rd wife and he is my 2nd husband. I married my first husband in the temple only a year out of high school, but after 2 years, I divorced him because of pornography. My current husband was raised LDS, but he was not active for much of his life. However, I fell in love with him because of his straight-forward honest-ness. We didn’t ever play dating games with each other, and I needed that honesty after my first marriage. We had so much fun together traveling and getting to know one another even though I longed for a child. We had a beautiful son after 8 years of marriage; and things began to change. We both work full-time in order to help make our household income. We had two more perfect little boys and one miscarriage in between. We had some very inspirational things happen a few years ago, and we made it to be sealed in the temple with our children (which was always my goal). However, my husband began to get moodier and moodier over the years. He would have happy times for a few weeks, and then get moody. Unfortunately, the happy times began to be less and less. Finally, after a very horrifying fight last year, I asked him to move out. I was having severe anxiety attacks and his anger finally scared me. He has never hit me, but he is very animated in his anger and his body language is extremely hostile. I was very afraid of his pent up anger. Verbal and mental abuse are definitely tangible. I went to my bishop many times last year before I finally asked my husband to move out. I had said many times – and I meant it – that I did not like living in a house of anger. After a month, our bishopric actually made me let him move back in. My husband was spiritually touched by our bishopric and it did make a difference in our relationship. The adversary is very strong though. He began to slip back in to his old ways, and the anger has been coming back. I just can’t take it anymore. I am not blameless in this either. I know that I have things to work on. The latest problem is that he told me that I am "colder than a block of ice." About a week after this incident, he decided he wasn’t mad at me anymore, and he wanted things to go back to normal. I just couldn’t. I asked him for an apology so that we could move forward, and I explained to him how much that had hurt me. I hate what my boys are learning about relationships. I am ready to ask him to move out again. Am I asking too much? I am just having a hard time moving past this one without an apology; and on two separate occasions he has flat out refused to apologize. He said he has said all he will about this subject. I just don’t know where to turn! There have actually been times when I have thought about ending my life because I am so lonely. Then, my boys are my sunshine. They have brought me through these tough times; and they give me hope that I am not as terrible as I feel like I am at times.