Latter-Day Marriage

Congrats, focus you life on loving and serving her. Don't take her love for granted and romance her the rest of your life.

Perhaps print this thread out and stick it in your journal to show her when the time comes, or to laugh about it later.

and more likely to be abused (often by Mom's new boyfriend)

Divorce is really hard on kids, really hard. If they are not at risk of abuse in your marriage then it is better for them that you stay married. But that doesn't mean things have to stay as they are. You keep working on the issues, keep fighting for a better marriage. You give your kids that example and they will learn good things from it however it turns out.

No, no, no. no, no. no, no. no, no. no, no. no, no and no. Do not tell her, not yet at least. The night I met my future wife I got whole lot more than just a prompting, I was out and out told she was the one. The smartest thing I ever did was not breath a word of it to her until AFTER we were engaged. She needed to find out for herself, without the pressure of knowing what my position was. There is NO way you could tell her that now without putting her on the spot and you could very likely chase her away. Don't do it. Also, being prompted to date somebody doesn't automatically mean she is the one you are going to marry, it just means that dating her is a good thing. There can be all kinds of reasons for that, one of you may need to learn something from the experience of dating each other in order to be ready for the person they actually will marry for example. The prompting came to you, not her, and you are not entitled to receive revelation on her behalf so leave it be. Act on what you know to be true, but don't tell her anything about this unless some day you two are engaged. By then she will know too and telling her won't put her in an awkward spot.

I would say the only question to ask yourself is 'What is best for my child?' This sounds harsh, but your personal happiness is secondary to your child's welfare. If he is a good father, let you children have the blessing of a good father and mother who are still married to each other. Work the rest out away from their sight. The power of the atonement is real and changes hearts. You can have a happy marriage. Focus on the goodness of his heart, not on some checklist of behaviors you want.

The whole conflict resolution approach is a good thing do to. Let them fully express their concerns so they feel that they have been heard, but insist they do it in a loving and respectful way. Provide the best answers you can for their concerns (that doesn't mean YOU have to answer them, you can send them links or other info/people to help them), and emphasize that you have to do what you feel is right. While you can't give out certain details, you can give them general evaluations, like 'There is nothing in the wedding ceremony that is contrary to what the Bible says'. 'We just kneel at an alter and make a vow to Heavenly Father to be the kind of spouse he would want us to be.' 'It is a simple ceremony with nothing unusual about it.' While it is nice to have the approval and support of all your family, don't lose sight of the fact that you do not need approval or permission from any of them. You are an adult and if they are not going to respect your choice and celebrate your wedding then they probably should not be there. I wouldn't put it to them in exactly those terms, but a wedding reception is a celebration and if they are going to celebrate it, why go? If they are not hard hearted then it should be possible to lead them to the point of respecting your shoice and wishing you well, even if they don't agree. You can also ask them to pray and ask God what He things of it too. Personal revelation is not just for Mormons.

Written a letter to the AP or tell the next GA to come to the mission he had something he needed to talk privately about, do whatever he could to get the information to the proper authority and not spread it around to others. Missionaries get lots of chances to meet apostles and area authorities and shake their hand. His contacting a GA is what got this moving toward being fixed. It's a shame that didn't happen while he was still in the field. It's perfectly understandable that he went to a missionary couple, but it wasn't the right thing to do.

You go to your Bishop and the Bishop who gets the SP's Bishop to interview the SP on the matter and then that Bishop goes to the AP after that if that is what is needed.

I disagree, while in the end the MP was dealt with, it would have gone better for the missionary if he took his concerns to the proper authority. He was in fact wrong to go talk about this to other missionaries (other than perhaps his DL or ZL or AP), even if they were senior missionaries. Doing that makes him a person who is (intentionally or not) harming the mission in his own way. It would be like the OP spreading the woman's story to the members of the Stake. A MP has a Bishop and a SP, he has counselors and an Area President he report to. Everybody who serves in the church does so with a priesthood leader who presides over them and to whom they are accountable. If there is a problem you send it up the line, not across to others.

Right, because that reaction is not counseling with her and persuading her and looking for a solution where everyone is OK with it. It is pressuring her and ignoring her feelings and needs. Badgering people into doing the right thing at the expense of the relationship provokes rebellion, especially with teenagers. You persuade and encourage and cooperatively look for other options but It is counterproductive to push it to the point of harming the relationship. Even if she is being rude, that doesn't make it right for him to respond by commanding her to obey him.

Her not being a member just makes it hard for her to see that going to the Bishop is the right thing to do. A Bishop is bishop to ALL people who live in the ward boundaries, not just the members. Also, Stake Presidents (and even Prophets and Apostles) have Bishops who preside over them when it comes to matters a Bishop is responsible for. If for example a SP was out of work and needed financial help from the church, he would need to go see his Bishop about it same as any other member of his ward.

I agree that the right thing for the woman to do is go to the Bishop and the right thing for the OP to do is try to get the woman to go, but if it becomes clear she wont do that then the right thing is for the OP to go to the Bishop himself. We do have some control over when the Lord reveals things. We control if we are worthy of revelation and we control if we ask for revelation or not. The Lord often waits for us to ask before he reveals something, and if somebody doesn't know there is a reason to ask then they are not going to ask and not get an answer. The AP needs to interview this SP and listen to what the Spirit says to him in that interview more than what the SP says to him. He need to go to the Lord and ask if this SP is worthy of the calling he has or should be released. Right now he has no reason to hold such an interview or ask the Lord about releasing the SP. Somebody needs to go to the Bishop and get the ball rolling on this so he has a reason to interview and ask.

Look at what he says. "we always had power struggles" - how does that happen if he is not trying to exercise power over her? he isn't saying that she is ordering him around, she is just pushing back against his attempts to exercise power over her which he describes further on. "It seems that she is not to take any correction from me when I say to stop doing something that I dislike" - he seems to think it is his right to order her around to act according to his desires rather than persuade her respectfully and understand that she has likes too. "She is totally against being so call subservient to the husband" - and she should be against being subservient to him, so why does that bother him unless he thinks she should be subservient? "she feels like because I strongly feel that her suggestion or idea is not the best for our family - as I believe I'm the one to protect and provide for my family- that I'm not listening to her" - If he feels her idea is wrong, they should counsel together more and come to understand each other's view and find a solution they can both feel good about. It is clear that he is making a decision before they get to that point. If she feels he is not listening to her, the he is not listening to her. It is his job to make sure she feels like she is listens too. This is something that would never be said by a couple that counsels together. "that I'm treating her like garbage" - He doesn't get to decide how she feels, he needs to take her feelings seriously and address the cause, not brush them off as invalid because he is doing

It was a paragraph where he revealed a lot about himself. He said: "we always had power struggles...It seems that she is not to take any correction from me when I say to stop doing something that I dislike..She is totally against being so call subservient to the husband.. she feels like because I strongly feel that her suggestion or idea is not the best for our family - as I believe I'm the one to protect and provide for my family- that I'm not listening to her ... [she feels] that I'm treating her like garbage" All that clearly reveals that he is trying to exercise power over her, control her, tell her what to do, and he feels it is his place to do so and it is her place to be subserviant to his decisions that he makes without getting her agreement first. That is exercising unrighteous dominion. She is pushing back and he is not happy about it. He doesn't get to decide how she feels or even how she should feel. He needs to back off his power trip and learn to counsel together with her as a couple should.

It isn't about accomplishing what the OP desires, it is about doing what is right, even if it doesn't appear likely to work. If the OP can't convince her to confess (or at least provide evidence the OP can take to the Bishop) the OP should still go and say what he knows. At the very least the OP will shed himself of any accountability in the matter. And as I said before, even if the SP denies and there is no evidence, the spirit can still bear witness of the truth of it to the AP and lead to the SP being released.

Sorry to come down hard on you, but your post makes me think she has a point. She is not yours to boss around. The two of you are to counsel TOGETHER and come to agreement, not exercise power over her and run roughshod over her feelings and views. Usually when a poster comes here their story makes themselves look like the victim but what I see in your post is a man who thinks he has the right to command his wife and expects her to meekly obey his will without question. You are NOT listening to her, you are too busy expecting her to listen to you and obey you like a trained dog. You ARE treating her like garbage and not respecting her feelings or her mind. You are unhappy in your marriage because you are not doing it right. A strong woman who stands up for herself is a great blessing to have as a wife when the husband acts like Christ rather than like a dictator. I couldn't stand having a whimpering subservient wife. I want the love of a woman is strong enough to only give her love to a man who is worthy of it, then her love has value to me. A woman like that can be her husband's best and wisest counselor. If you want her to follow you, you have to EARN her trust and confidence by treating her right and living right. Please take this to heart: D&C 121: 37,41-42 ...when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man. ... No power or influence CAN or OUGHT TO be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile Stop pulling the 'I'm the husband and it's my job so I decide you are wrong and we'll do it my way' crap. Instead you need to talk more, listen more, pray more (and pray together too) and you keep at it till you find a point where you can be united. That is how the First Presidency and the Quorum the Twelve work. President Nelson doesn't come along and say 'Hey, I'm the prophet now so this is how it's going to be.' If you want to save your marriage, you start by going to your wife and telling her she was right, you have been a jerk and you are sorry and want to do better. Then you start leading the family TOGETHER and giving her the respect she deserves. Sounds to me like she is a lot sharper than you give her credit for.

As a ward clerk I do have access to Handbook 1. I don't make this stuff up. I could post exactly what it says but that is frowned on. He doesn't ring up the SP on the phone and casually ask, the SP has a priesthood interview with his Bishop who is standing in for the Lord in the matter. Even the prophet has a Bishop he has to account to. I missed it saying that the the woman was not LDS, but that doesn't stop the Bishop from asking her to meet with him, and her word is not less for being a non-member. I think her not beiing LDS makes it all the more improtant for the OP to tell the Bishop. If they both deny it but the Bishop has reliable evidence to support the accusation then he (or the SP if it is a MP holder, but in this case the AP) are to do what they can to gather further evidence within the limits of what is appropriate. They do not do surveillance or recording, or anything like that, but if there are elements of somebody's story that they could reasonably verify or disprove they should do that. I assume that if the story makes it so other ward members could help to fact check the story he could choose to interview them as well, like the wife of the SP perhaps. He can delegate the investigation to two reliable MP holders if he wants, so the AP could assign the investigation to the the Bishop and a HC member or two HC members or whatever. Even if they both deny it and there isn't sufficient evidence to call a disciplinary council, the priesthood authority of the accused is entitled to revelation on the matter and so may feel prompted to release them from their callings. I think that would be an improvement for the stake. The handbook emphasizes that the conduct of investigators must be becoming of a priesthood holder and legal. If it is a matter the authorities are investigating it should be left to them. The church has a phone number for Bishops to call for legal guidance as well. In some places the law is that any report of abuse of a minor that a Bishop hears about must be reported to the authorities or they themselves could go to jail. My Bishop and I talked about the law in our area and he said if somebody came and confessed that they poisoned their spouse to death he would have to keep that confidential, even if put under oath, but if a spouse slapped their partner's face in front of the kids he could go to jail if he doesn't report it to the authorities as a case of child abuse. The OP should go to her Bishop and tell him everything they know and leave the rest to the church. If the OP doesn't do that then they are helping to cover up for the SP and wouldn't a part of the sin then be on the OP if they do that? Is the OP going to sustain the SP at the next Stake or Ward conference given all this? If they oppose (and this would be a legitimate reason to oppose) then they will have a meeting with a priesthood authority (not the SP) to explain why. Might as well see the Bishop now and do it in a less public way.

It SHOULD be her, but it does not need to be her (and by her I assume you mean the woman in the affair). The OP can go to her Bishop (not the Area President) and tell him what she has said here. Handbook 1 spells out what a Bishop should do in a case like that and it is not to brush it off as gossip and ignore it. It is a legitimate (and loving) thing to do. After she informs the Bishop it is his job to investigate if it is true or not. If the woman is in another ward then he would get that Bishop to investigate the accusation. If it is an endowed MP holder who is accused it would normally be the SP to investigate but since the SP is involved it would go the AP.

Yes, but after the Bishop is informed I think the Area Authority would have to interview the SP and investigate. If this was any other endowed MP holder the SP would do that.

Some were putting quotes around the word friend in their replies, which can be taken as them implying the OP was the person having the affair and third-personing the story. While is would be ideal for the woman in the affair to go to her Bishop and confess, the OP can go to their Bishop with this as well.

The OP can go to the Bishop herself, it doesn't have to the woman the SP is having an affair with. I bet the SP had her make those videos and pictures so he could use them to intimidate her into keeping quiet. Also, I think it is a bit unkind to jump to the conclusion that the OP is the person in the affair as some of you are implying. Yes, it may be the case, but none of us have evidence to support such an accusation and I think it best to take the OP at her word.

I'm not sure what there is to fear if the go to their own bishop and inform him of what they know. He is required to keep it confidential. If the SP is a member of a different ward, the Bishop will pass the information on to the Bishop of the SP, and since this is a SP that Bishop will likely take the matter to the Area President and the matter will be investigated. There should be nothing to fear in terms of repercussions to the OP, the SP should never find out they were the one that went to the Bishop.

And do you really think that her husband will look at it like that? Do you think he will not feel like he was wronged one bit by her keeping that secret? If he is going to think she didn't wrong him by keeping it a secret then what has she to fear from telling him? If he is going to feel he was wronged by her keeping it a secret (and I can guarantee you he will feel that way) why would he want to spend eternity with somebody that lied to him his whole life? Even if she gets there in spite of doing that, she may very will wind up there but not as his wife. Clear the air now, work through it while there is time to heal and reconcile or pay a higher price later on.

Elder Oaks did not say 'their iniquities' and 'their secret acts'. He said 'our iniquities' and 'our secret acts' which includes himself. Elder Faust said the truth of who WE are and what WE do will ultimately become known. So he is also including himself in that. I don't consider either of them to unrepentant, so I don't see them as limiting anything to just unprecedented sins. How can somebody become as all knowing as God is without knowing everything? And if they know everything, they will know what your sins were just as God knows what they were. I guess we'll all find out for sure on Judgement Day, I'm sure we can agree on that too. The OP has repented of breaking the Law of Chasity yes, but her misleading her husband, by omission or by active lying, is not something she has repented of and she needs to address that. Repenting of that requires her to confess to him, ask his forgiveness, and make amends so they can reconcile. If she doesn't, if she takes the bad advise to hide it the rest of her life, it will be shouted from the housetops and he will know then when it is too late for her to do anything about it.