happywife81

This is probably not a popular opinion but I have absolutely no problem with my husband going through my things....everything. He knows my passwords, I know his. Everything is open. Obviously we want to have trust in our relationships but in my own opinion if my husband ever starts to doubt something or worry....i don't mind if he checks anything to bring peace to his mind about it. I don't like to think of it as MY phone or MY computer....it is always open to him and I am open to his. I like that my husband has his phone laying around the house, open and I know the password. In 10 years of marriage I have searched twice....and found nothing. I believe in trust until it has been broken and then it can be earned back.......I now see that I was paranoid because of my friends husbands and their issues that i started to not trust and assume similar things in my own husband. My bad. Repenting and moving on.

So I have a question for husbands......how can I help him? should I? or should I let it be between him and God? If I notice him checking out a women a few times should I say anything? Let it go? Talk about it later? I don't want to be a nagging wife about this but once I see it, it is difficult for me to move on in my mind. I keeping thinking of him looking at the person and it makes me feel inadequate and hurt. Any advise would be helpful.

I decided to write him a letter about everything I was feeling and I think it went over well. I think this really gave him time to think and process what I was feeling and why I was hurt and also to have time to respond. I thought he was going to come and talk to me about it but yesterday we just texted back and forth all day. Although not my favorite communication method I think it worked so we could both think before we text and no respond with quick emotion.... His thoughts....he doesn't seek to look at any other women through the internet or at church but he did say he has a hard time not noticing other attractive women if they walk by. He says it kind of feels like it is subconsciously done but knows he can control it more by actively paying attention to not looking. He was open and said he did find the other lady at church attractive and knew he probably was looking too much but he said if his mind ever starts to wander during sex or other times that he tries to bring his thoughts back to me. Then he used an analogy with his truck (men lol).....he said....I study for a long time and purchase the truck of my dreams....i take good care of it and if something breaks or needs a tune up I fix it right away.....I love my truck everyday. I feel proud driving around in my truck. Then he said sometimes he will see a nice car and admire the car....but he said he doesn't look under the hood, doesn't see what kind of motor it has, doesn't compare his truck to the car....just admires the car but knows he really doesn't want a car because he loves his truck and has invested so much into his truck and knows overtime the worth of an old antique truck is priceless but yes he did look at the car. Anyway, I think texting worked better in this situation to give him time to respond and not just become defensive. I really was grateful for his open honesty and he said he will work on it. As for me I need to work on not letting this steal away my joy. The other day we were at the beach...we live in CA...and the first 10 minutes I was watching to see all the girls he was looking at. It was really hurting me and I wanted to cry....he had no idea that I was seeing him do this but then I noticed I was letting this steal my joy away so the rest of the time I just enjoyed my kids and didn't pay attention to his eyes. Ignorant bliss I guess but when i stopped looking it was like I had to emotionally disconnect from him in order to let it go and I don't want that in our marriage. To emotionally disconnect. I am going to pray for understanding, compassion for my husbands weaknesses and also for be more prayerful for help with my own weaknesses of feeling insecure and not being as trusting of him as I should be. Thank you for all the input!

I do agree these private marriage conversations should be kept private but these conversations do not have a gossipy tone....they involve lots of crying, hurt, not knowing what to do or where to go for help. I think what happens is that women can open up to other women easier than another man, even her bishop especially in these types of situations but I know that does not make it right. These conversations have hurt my marriage.....hard to find a balance in being a listening ear for a friend but also keeping in mind that these conversations effect my marriage in a negative way.

I do feel like I need to pray to be able to give up control of the situation. I feel like I have given everything I can, my part, and I need to not let Satan work on me that I am not enough...that I don't satisfy him so he looks at other women. We are intimate about 5 times a week and it really is a great part of our marriage so it becomes hard for me to understand that after I give so much in that area to have fun and initiate it etc. that he still has the desire to look at other women. I just feel that I deserve to have his whole heart, mind, and his eyes. Is that too much to ask? Maybe it is and I need to let go of control and pray that I can have more compassion and understanding because right now I just don't understand it. I appreciate being able to talk about it here anonymously to help me not talk about it with friends:)

I want to be able to see this as his issue and not be "dragged into a watch dog role" but in marriage it really is OUR issue. I have suffered from an eating disorder in the past and we talked about it daily. He helped me, I was open with him about what I had eaten that day, he would check on me daily etc. I feel if 1 person in the marriage is struggling then you both are in the trenches together daily with that burden. I think when we have a mind set of my issue or his issue this gives room for secrets and slip ups in my opinion.

We have moved around a bit and have been in many wards in which I have always made close friends and something I have learned is that most women talk about their marriage struggles openly. Details about their husbands/ their sex life/ etc. This is not right but I do see it as being more common. My husband says his friends NEVER talk about marriage or issues.... only sports, guns, etc:)

I have very much appreciated the feedback given and much of it really has helped me put this in perspective. Today as I have pieced together my thoughts and feelings, I really think my lack of trust does not come from his experiences with immorality before we were married. When I met him he had repented and was clean and temple worthy and has been a worthy priesthood holder throughout our marriage. I have a few questions about the past but I liked how pkstpaul said "never ask questions I don't want to know the answers to." and I do think knowing the who, what, where, when of his past would only be hurtful for me and would not benefit our marriage. I think what has started my lack of trust was nothing to do with my husband but more to do with the women in my ward openly talking about their husband porn addictions and a couple husband's had affairs. They have talked about having no idea and being caught off guard when they found out and this has cause me to become overly emotional and paranoid about porn/other women, etc especially because my friends are very beautiful women themselves. This is the foundation of the issue which has nothing to do with my husband and his choices and I know it is unfair of me but it does feel very threatening in the current world we live in and the statistics. I don't want to be always checking texts, histories, emails, etc and be that kind of wife. What kind of marriage is that, right?...but I was very happy when I didn't find anything. But this lack of trust did lead me to be more watchful of his eyes and has left me feeling very hurt. His defensiveness and closed attitude towards it especially when I bring up the women I saw him checking out many times has been hard to know what to do with. I am paranoid at church and am always thinking in my mind where he is and where she is. Always watching his eyes. I don't want to be this paranoid annoying wife so I am trying to bottle it up in my mind but I just want to have an open discussion with him but he shuts me out whenever I bring it up. I honestly am not worried about an affair but more just him checking her out and thinking about her in an inappropriate way. How do I let this go, find peace, openly communicate on this topic, and move on? As a women is it just something I need to learn to accept that my husband will look at other women? I am having a hard time understanding where the line is between sin and the temptation. Is the sin checking out other women or only acting on it? To me "noticing" an attractive person is done more in peripheral vision for a quick second and then turning away. I think the "looking upon someone to lust after them" is when you continue to look, turn your head and look for longer periods of time. Am this being controlling asking him to keep his eyes only towards me? How can I move past this?

My husband and I have been married for 10 years, we have 3 kids and honestly I think we have a great marriage and life. We are intimate most nights of the week and both serve each other. I feel like my husband is attracted to me and me to him. I dress cute, wear make up, wear lingerie like once a week and have not let myself go or anything. We were married in the temple. I served a mission but my husband did not because he had issues with immorality. We have discussed very little about this because he has repented but maybe this causes me a little bit of a trust issue not knowing much about it and having unanswered questions I am afraid to bring up? Since we have been married he has served in many leadership callings, been a great dad, husband etc. The last couple months I have had friends confide in me about their husbands porn/affair addictions etc. and it made me think about it more. Should I trust my good husband so much? I started to wonder and checked emails, histories, texts, etc. but really didn't find much. I also started to watch him and his eyes. I had done this a little in the past but I really started to watch his eyes...at church, in public, at the beach, etc. It has left me feeling worthless, unattractive, not enough, untrusting and just sick to my stomach. I feel like I don't trust him by the way i see him check other women out. He does it very secretively so I don't think anyone would really notice but it really has hurt me deeply. I noticed that he had looked at the same women 4+ times so I decided to talk to him about it and he became defensive about it and said it was nothing. I was making a big deal about nothing. He said it was normal to notice attractive women and that he wasn't lusting at all. I am just struggling to trust that he does not lust about her in his mind when he kept looking at her over and over again. He would turn his head as she would walk by. Is this wrong of me not to trust his thoughts? I try to sometimes bring it up so talk about it so I can find some kind of peace with this but he shuts down whenever I bring it up. I try to do it in a humble loving way so he will not feel defensive but he still acts that way. So how do I move past this and trust again? How should I go about this in communicating with my husband about this. I still need to talk about it to find healing but he shuts down and that makes me think he is hiding things from me. Where to go from here? Should I let it go? Let him worry about his eyes and thoughts or should i try to talk to him about it and be open with my feelings?