Missitta

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  1. My advice as a wife.....ABSOUTELY TELL HER!!!!!! From experience the things you try to hide come out eventually whether it takes months or years and normally in a horrible way that will hurt your relationship way worse than you coming clean will. You said you have already been hiding this for years...think about how much relief you will feel when you get it off your chest. Will she be mad? Of course and very understandably so. She will most likely yell, scream, threaten to leave, all of it and you will need to take it. Don't let her feel that she was to blame in any way. Just let her know it was a mistake and you want to save your marriage. And definitely tell your bishop as well. Best of luck to you.
  2. Good Gravy! That's going to be so hard! Sorry but that was my first thought after reading the responses. Does this mean to trully forgive her if she wants back into my life I have to let her? Isn't it okay to just say I forgive you but I would rather you stay away? I honestly feel that letting her or (former) best firend back into our lives will just lead to problems...but who knows what time will bring. Man how do you trust someone again after they do something like she did to me and my family?
  3. Thank you for everyones responses. It's nice to have so many perspectives on things. I am doing better withe the whole church letdown thing. With the help of some people on here I realize that bishops are human and can makes mistakes as well as that I don't know what happened after we cleared my husband's name. Now my husband is having a hard time with things. He hadn't been to church for a couple weeks due to an illness and yesterday at church, some feelings came back I guess he hadn't considered. He said he feels there were only two ways that things could have ended the way they did...either she admitted she did in fact sleep with a married man and it wasn't my husband or she admitted she lied about messing with a married man at all. Hubby says either way he is very aggrivated that she was able to get her temple recommend and he wants to talk to our bishop about it since he says he is angry at her bishop and stake president. I have been telling him how being on this site has helped me and have relayed some of the advice I have gotten, but he still feels he needs to hear it from "the horses mouth" so to speak. I personally am not sure how speaking to our current bishop is going to help us get to the bottom of things too much since he wasn't involved in any of it but hubby said he wants bishop to know that this whole thing has made him lose his faith in some ways. I guess if anyone should know about losing faith it should be your bishop. As for forgiving the girl, it will take time. Some days are better than others. I have realized I have so many good things in my life and I figure she realized that as well...else why would she have gone after my husband? I still struggle with feelings of betrayal and anget but they have lessoned for the most part. Even if I am able to fogive her I am not sure I will even be okay with the situation. I have lost a lot of trust in people and am very cautious with who I associate with. This leads to a question...is it really forgiveness if you aren't mad at the person but you are still mad about the situation?
  4. ((((GB-UK)))) Wow what a horrible situation to be in. It is good that she is able to see how important the church is in your life and she is willing to compromise. :) I speak from experience when I say when you're pregnant, you aren't yourself. Maybe if you give a little time, stand by her during the prenancy and everything, then try discussing things with her again after your child is born things might turn out a little better. Until then leading by example is a pretty good way to go. See if she will allow the home teachers over on occassion or if not, ask the bishop if members of the ward could come over as friends to assist her after the birth of the baby. Let me tell you, having someone drop by with ice cream or offering to do the dishes for you as a new mommy or being hugely pregnant is like having angels drop down from heaven. Maybe seeing the members in a service light will help her see that the churhc isn't as bad as she thought. Best of luck to you.
  5. ((((Yediyd))))) My heart goes out to you so much. I work with many children with Autism and Aspergers and I have to say it is much harder dealing with Aspergers because so few people understand what it is. I hope your state is MUCH better than mine with having support systems for Aspergers kids. It is beyond frustrating. As far as the priesthood, I am personally going through an issue with the priesthood of the church as well. I have had a very difficult time coming to terms that even though they are blessed with the priesthood they are also human and make mistakes, including bishops. Maybe they are concerned about having someone take your son who is unfamiliar with Aspergers. Maybe if you give your bishop and other leaders some resources on Aspergers and they realize it's not really as scary as the stigma put on it makes it they will feel more comfortable with it. Or perhaps ask if you can join the father and sons outting if they are concerned about having him there and tell them you will need a ride. If they raise objections just tell them you will not leave your son out of another gathering. As far as him not wanting to go to church, the poor kid is having a perfectly rational response to havng his feelings hurt. It will take time, possibly a long time for him to be okay again. I would say talk to your bishop again and tell him straight out your son needs to feel welcome to the church. Maybe he will work himself to involve your son in more outtings. Again my heart goes out to you. I only have an idea of how hard it is to raise a child with Aspergers. It makes it so much worse when you feel you don't have the support you need.
  6. Funny but sad at the same time...because it's so true.
  7. I'd be on a plane on my way to a spa retreat for a week with my best firend getting pampered with massages and facials.
  8. ((((mamacat))) But you're not a whore. He just thought you were. And he was wrong so theres no condemnation because you were worthy. Difference is she did have relations. My guess is no one could prove it so she was able to walk into the temple based on a lie thus leading to her condemnation since she did enter unworthily. I don't see how your situation would lead to your condemnation despite what your bishop thought. Your situation: Bishop believes you messed around even though you didn't but can't prove anything. You tell the truth that you didn't and go to the temple. That is not leading to condemnation because you told the truth. Her situation. Bishop believes she messed around which she did but he can't prove anything. She LIES to get into the temple. She is condemned because she is not worthy. This is speculation of course. :) I don't believe a bishop would set someone up knowingly for condemnation but I do think they can't stop someone from setting themselves up for it.
  9. After you guys post things everything seems to make so much more sense and I feel like such a spoiled little child. *But I worked so harrrrrrd for this and she didn't do annnnything. It's not fairrrrr!* There could be any sort of reason that she was allowed into the temple: #1) The bishop knew straight out she was lying but couldn't prove anything since no one was sitting outside their window with a camera and she obviously didn't sleep or anything with my husband so unless she confesses, there is nothing they can do and she walked through those temple doors unworthily and is setting herself up for her own condemnation. #2) She was supposed to go to the temple for her own personal growth whether worthily or unworthily in anyones eyes and its up to her as to whether or not she learns from it. #3) He is telling me to just shut up and trust Him (much nicer) and that things will work out in the end or.. #4) Any or all of the above plus whatever else I may never know and may never be meant to know.
  10. (((mamacat))) You asked why I am still angry with the church leadership since my bishop took our side in this mess. I feel I am going to sound extremely petty with my answer so bear with me. :) I am not angry with that bishop (he is no longer our bishop as we moved). It took him a long time to sort through the lies but when he did he took our side 100% and would relay many of his conversations with her, her conversations with her bishop, and other things to us to help us out. I think by the end of it all he viewed it in a humorous light as her accusations became more and more bizarre and obviously not true. Who I am upset with (though now it is starting to fade) is her bishop and stake president who gave her her temple recommend less than three months after she told them she was still waiting for me to leave my husband so she could be with him and was still trying to implicate him in an affair. I am upset that there was no at least delay in getting her recommend nor any sort of apology from her or anyone for six months of constant questions and accusations. She still got her recommend even though when pressured into it she admitted to "messing around" with multiple men besides her claim of sleeping with my husband at least up until July not to mention the fact that her now husband (hubby's former best friend) was bragging about their exploits to all his other friends up until their wedding. Yet they both got recommends. They were quite aware she is an extreme liar so whats the deal? My anger with the leadership is miniscule since getting advice here. It's more disappointment over anger that they couldn't see through all the crap and figure her out. Of course it took hubby and I nearly three years and her pretty much throwing herself at him to figure it out so I can't blame them much. I guess I always figured he's a BISHOP or a STAKE PRESIDENT so he KNOWS when something is not right. It's less anger than feeling let down that now I view them as flawed...or even worse...human. I am fully aware her walking into the temple whether worthily or unworthlily is absolutely none of my business and has no effect on my proression in life or in the next life, however I always viewed the temple they were married in as MY temple and it was special to me. It was the one I was married in. The one I strived so hard to get to my whole life. At the moment it is just another building to me. I drive past it everyday and it seems tarnished in my mind. I'm upset that she was able to walk into it and that she doesn't view it as sacred as I do. I know people lie to get into the temple everyday. It's different this time for me because I know who it was and what she lied about. Make sense? See, told you it was petty. :)
  11. Hi. I just joined the forum a couple of days ago and didn't notice this place until today since I've been wandering around the site. I have to say I love it here so far. I have never seen an LDS site that is so open minded and inviting to people of other faiths. I have been LDS my whole life but have never liked the "only true church" aspect of teaching as I honestly believe Mormonism isn't right for everyone but is defintiely right for me. I am thrilled that there are so many people from other churches to chat with. I am 26 years old, and even though I have been a lifeling member, did not really gain a testimony until high school when some of my friends decided to take the discussions. I married one of them two years after he was baptised and we have been happily married for the past 6 years. I have 1 son who is 18 months old and a constant source of both stress and amazing joy. I have a Bachelelor's degree in Psychology, an Associates in Music and work full time as a case manager for children with disabilities which is both the most rewarding and most draining job in the whole world. I am hoping to be able to quit my job by the end of the year and become my husband's assistant in his work. He is a loan officer and avid bike rider and golfer. My true passions include animals and the outdoors. I hope so someday have a big enough house and enough land that I can rehibilitate exotic pets for owners that didn't have the knowledge to take care of them. Right now we are owned by two cats who very nicely let us live in their house in exchange for constant worship and we have african dwarf frogs. We are renovating this place and hope to turn it into a rental by the end of the summer and move into a larger home so we can add more fur babies and hopfully another human baby in the next couple years. We also own a duplex that we have rented out. Hubby is huge into real estate and I'm along for the ride. :) Thats about it.
  12. (((Mamacat))) I am so sorry to hear of your horrible experience. That is so hard to have to go through and losing friends because of someone elses actions. Your experience is very different from ours, yet the same in a way. Hubby was instantly villified in this situation I feel solely because he was THE GUY. Bishop said at first it was much easier to believe her because she played the poor little girl routine complete with tears claiming the "experienced married man" took advantage of her. It wasn't until her past was brought up by her bishop and she couldn't deny it that it became very apparent she was far more experienced than my husband and he was anything but taking advantage her. Sounds like you were made to be the villian the way he was. (((Hikchik)))) That poem was great. I'll have to remember it. I feel that way too, that we never talk about that the church leadership being fallible until we are involved in a situation where it becomes an issue. Many times I have had to remind myself even though they are very in tune with the spirit, they are also human. Right now is not the time to bring up running into her in heaven. I am dreading the time we run into her in real life since it is pretty much a given that we will someday since we are practicaly related to her inlaws, whether it's months or years from now. I am hoping by the time we do I can have forgiven her. After reading your post I thought about how I would feel if in the next life if she was there. Honestly I loved her as a friend at one time and I am not completely discounting the fact I could love her that way again, even though it most likely wouldn't be in this life unless a lot of changes are made including her admitting to lying in the first place. That is part of what makes it so hard to forgive her. I thought we were friends. Good friends. When it comes out she was acting the part so I would trust her so I would let her spend time with my husband.... It's good to get other people's points of view on this. Most of the people that know about it don't understand the whole church aspect and therefore don't think it's that big of a deal. I never realized forgiveness was so hard. I've been through crappy situations before and have had to do minor firgiveness things which wasn't really too big of a deal, but this is something comepletely new to me. At times I feel so selfish. There have been so many people that have been through so much worse than this and were able to forgive almost immediately, what is my deal? I didn't lose my husband or my son, she didn't get what she wanted, why am I still so angry?
  13. Thanks sixpactr. Now I'm glad I couldn't get it to work.
  14. Great article. It's always nice to see the LDS church viewed positively from someone outside the faith. I couldn't view the comments to the article unfortunately. I would have liked to see what other people thought.
  15. Thank everyone for their resonses. I'm glad I found this place and such spiritual and open minded people. I must say coming here has been both validating and humbling. This whole situation has me switching so rapidly through so many emotions it has been nice to get my feelings (vent as someone put it) out and having the ability to sort them out in my mind. Very few people know about this situation here. Hubby and I have decided not to enact "revenge" on her by telling people and ruining her reputation further even though at times I admit I would love to. The people that know came to us since as I said earlier, she married hubby's (former) best friend of 12 years and both are from a tiny town. There has been much talk among the locals as to why hubby was the best man at BF's first wedding yet not even invited to this one. BF's parents who are like second parents to hubby came straight out and asked us what was going on between us and BF. We told them as nicely as we could what was going on and they told us they would rather continue their relationship with us then start one with her. This leads into part of why my feelings in this are so confusing to me. For two years before all of this started I cared deeply for her and honestly wanted the best for her. I trusted her completely, not even alone with hubby but alone with my son as well. She would often babysit for us so hubby and I could go on dates since we very seldom saw each other at this time since I worked days and Hubby worked nights. (Now does that sound like someone who is trying to destroy a marriage?) I feel completely violated and betrayed by her as she used a LOT of innocent situations, including the birth of my son, as ammunition against my husband. I can't even begin to tell you how she did it because I have no idea. She somehow turned every little thing in our lives as evidence that hubby would rather be with her than me. Very often my feelings of anger towards her turn to pity. I pity whatever part of her felt like she had to sink so low to try to tear us apart. I pity that she destroyed any chance of having a relationship with BF's parents and friends even before they knew about this situation because of her own actions. I pity the fact that she walked into that temple unworthily (admittedly as far as I know). However I will be completely honest and I am actually embarrassed to admit this but at times the completely un Christlike angry side of me actually hopes entering the temple the way she did leads to her condemnation. How horrible am I? Someone mentioned jealousy in an earlier post. I never viewed it from that point but after thinking about it, you are absolutely right. I decided I feel a lot like the prodigal son's brother when it seems that his father is favoring the returning son over the tried and true son. My husband (who is a convert of 8 years) jokingly compared the church to a cell phone company. He said it seems like they give lots of attention and perks to the new members while shoving the longterm customers aside. I do feel like the leadership was able to overlook a lot from both her and BF because the two of them were both former members who returned to the church for whatever reason and we never left. Bottom line is I do need to forgive her. Perhaps I should try to focus more on my feelings of pity for her other than my feelings of anger and start from there. She has to be such a miserable person to be able to do something like this and not feel badly. At times through this whole thing I felt I did forgive her. Once was during the April conference and that wonderful talk on forgiveness. There is always that one talk you feel is directed completely at you and that was the one for me. Those times I feel I did forgive seem to not last very long so obviously, I haven't completely yet. Something will remind me of what happened or someone in the circle will come up with their assumption of what went on and the horrible feelings will come rushng back. Maybe I should start with forgiving myself and realizing I did not let this happen. Seems I have a lot of repenting to do.