searchforhappiness

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  1. He betrayed my trust. He lied to me about something pretty big. It wasn't bad enough to keep him out of the temple, but he did break my heart. I know that it's me having a heard time letting it go. I truly feel like I've forgiven him, I just can seem to forget. Anyway, thank you all for your comments.
  2. Thank you everyone for their thoughts and perspective. I know "it takes two to tango", I know I have some changing to do as well. I don't claim to be perfect. I guess I just don't know how to love him unconditionally anymore. I pray for help to see him as a child of God, and I do try to serve him. I know his potential. I just can't take his lack of interest anymore. And I didn't stop loving him because of his weight problem. I HAVE loved my husband "fat". He has been over weight for 12 years, we only started having problems 5 years ago. I don't like telling him what to do either, but he says "oh I don't mind ". I really do try to not treat him like a child. Anyway, the bottom line is is that I don't want a divorce, and I'm not asking for permission here, I'm asking for help. I know we both need help, I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm tired of feeling empty and alone. And as for the football story (wife learning to love football), what am I supposed to learn to love? (sincere question here, not trying to be sarcastic). There is nothing positive I can think of to support. By the way, he only supports what I want to do if it doesn't inconvenience him. ............... Sorry, probably just rambling now. I'm tired and I spent a lot of time writing this reply.
  3. I need your help. I came back because I feel this is the only place I can "talk" to someone about my marital problems. In response to a few questions posted in the replies, here are a few of the details I left out before. I don't know if they will really make a difference though. *my husband is already taking anti-depressants. Has been for a couple of years. Maybe he needs to increase his dose, but I know he is dependent on them. *he is always in pain everywhere because of his weight and takes about 1000 ml of advil everyday. He knows it's bad for his liver, but does it anyway. *we have read the 5 love languages and identified each of ours. It hasn't really helped because even though I do try to "speak" his, he only speaks mine after we have a fight. I am not motivated to continue to speak his language and I guess neither is he. *we have been to therapy even though he didn't want to. He said that the therapist and I would team up against him. We stopped going because of the cost, but that really was for the best since we both felt we were not making any progress. *his job needs him and will never let him go because the job he does is very critical to the company. If my husband decided to show up in pajamas I think they would let him, they wouldn't like it, but they wouldn't fire him either. My husband is over 40 and has not matured (I guess, according to previous post replies). He acts like a child that needs to be told what to do. Take a shower, brush your teeth, take out the trash, clean your room, join us for FHE and scriptures. You know that meme where there is a skeleton waiting on the porch for his wife to get off facebook? Well that's me, I'm the skeleton. My husband is always on his phone either with social media or reading a book. I already have 4 children, I want a husband, not another child. Even though I hate telling him what to do, I have to sometimes, and unfortunately sometimes it's in front of the children. My kids have even asked me "why is daddy like that?". And as far as ironing his clothes, I make my other kids (haha, it just came out like that) iron their own clothes. I make my kids fold their laundry. I work full time (I quit in June but went back for my own sanity or insanity, I don't know you tell me). I tell my kids "I'm only washing your clothes if they are brought to the laundry room". I have not done my husband's laundry in a while because he doesn't pick up after himself and his hamper, which is never full because the clothes are all over the floor, is never brought to the laundry room. I am not his mother! When he starts acting like a husband, I will act like a wife. I feel so alone. I went to my bishop. He spoke with my husband and is frequently meeting with him. According to my husband, the bishop keeps telling him he needs to change if he wants to keep me. The bishop pretty much told me that he and the stake president support my decision for divorce, which I know is not normal. The only positive things I can say about my husband is that he landed, much by luck and not by talent, a great job (right place at the right time). He also is very knowledgeable in the gospel, keeps his temple covenants and gives the best talks, lessons and testimonies you will ever hear. The truth is that that is the thing that attracted me to him. And even though I know that any woman with a less active or non member husband would love to have that, I feel/want more. It's like he is Jekyll and Hyde. I don't know what to do. What do I have a right to want and ask for?
  4. Thank you for all the insights. I never wanted to get a divorce. I am the product of divorce (unfaithful dad). My mom stayed with him for many years so as not to "hurt" her children, at the expense of her happiness. That makes me sad. Of course there is more to my story, but I guess I'll just have to resign to never being fully happy. Yes my husband has a very stressful job, I did too, I had to quit because I just couldn't handle having a stressfull job and feeling like a single parent because my husband does nothing to help me. And I say he loves me and the kids because he says so, doesn't really show it in my opinion. I have to take my kids on outings by myself because my husband doesn't like to do anything, literally. His health is my concern because he is obese (in the last 10 years) and now we have to deal with ED on top of everything else (high blood pressure heart diseases). Hygiene, well it wouldn't be so bad if it was just BO. He rejects any kind of help. He has always been this way, I have just reached my limit. I'm sorry but I just feel like I don't matter.
  5. Do opposites really attract and do they/can they stay together? I need advice. I have been married for 19 years, 5 of which have been very unhappy. There has been no morality issues or abuse. You could say our differences are superficial, but when they add up it just becomes a burden. I will list a few just to illustrate my dilemma: I want a big family-he doesn't I like order and clean-he is a slob (doesn't shower, change his clothes or brush his teeth unless I ask him to, will wear dirty clothes around the house, but will wear un-ironed, clean, clothes to work and church). I like to be active, clean the house, go camping, etc.-he hates the outdoors and sleeps all day on the weekends (I even have to mow our lawn). I don't like to read much-he spends all his time reading, which is good, but won't do much else. I like to exercise and be healthy- you guessed it, he doesn't (his doctor, our family and even the bishop tell him he is going to die young if he doesn't do something). Good traits about him: He loves God, me and our kids, is very likable at work and church. I met my husband shortly after his mission, we went from being friends to being engaged in a little over a month. When I meet him I felt there was something special about him, but we got engaged so fast that I never really got to know him before accepting to marry him. I prayed about marrying him and felt a very strong yes, but I was not in love nor really attracted to my husband. But the Spirit was saying yes, so I said yes. The first few years were pretty good, even though our differences were obvious, we at least shared a desire to have a family and be strong in the church. Now that our kids are older, it gets hard to try to teach them good habits like health and cleanliness when they don't see their dad doing it. I do feel like I am winning that battle though, because my kids see their dad and think he is unpleasant sometimes (stinks). I also do everything around my home, broken stuff I have to fix myself or ask a friend or family member to come fix. I clean, cook and am emotionally available for my kids. My husband just comes home and goes into his little world. I don't know if I should ask my husband to change if he is happy being that way. But the trouble is that I'm not happy, at all. Just recently his health started to affect our sex life too. I have asked friends for advice, even brought up divorce, but all of them of course don't know him like I do so they say "oh, he is such a great guy and I can tell he loves you!". I don't know what else do to. Please help.