TheMountain

Last night he compared our relationship to a lumpy basketball that would be easier to replace than repair. He's divorcing me. Thanks for everyone's comments. Keep me in your prayers. And pray for him too. I hurt. If anyone wants to shoot me advice about healing from divorce I could probably use it. Or how to get through this semi gracefully.

I think you say it better than I do. I have a hard time conveying things as he would because of my own judgements on the situation. However, he wishes not to take his children to any church because he feels they would be indoctrinated there by other people. And yes, we live in Utah.

We're pretty open about just about everything and I really think he would confess to me if it were porn. There are definitely other things going on in the background though. Basically, this philosopher you tube channel guy he listens to talks a lot about being abused as a child as do a lot of his "call in" types... My husband had some turmoil in his childhood. His dad was emotionally abusive and would use scriptures to condemn his children and his wife when he was angry. His parents are both members but his mom is a convert, and this ultimately led her to divorce him when my husband was 10 or 12. He has what I call a "fairness" trigger. He found it extremely unfair that his mom would use the line "because I'm the mom" when he would ask her why he had to do things (such as why can't I ask you about why you and dad got divorced?). I suspect he's linked this to our doctrine of obeying God's commandments, or our priesthood leaders, because God said so. He doesn't think God is a guy he'd like even if he did believe in him. This is the first time he ever allowed himself to question the church. He says earlier in life he always thought it was forbidden to even question the church or God and as such is having his first Faith Crisis.

I plan on giving it more time. We're planning on getting a marriage therapist. A non-religious type by his request. He doesn't want anyone biased in the ways of the "story" of God. My husband definitely has some strong opinions and I wouldn't say I go along with them, but I'll also say I'm somewhat of a passive type and have a tendency to avoid conflict if I don't think it really matters. But I hold my ground on things that are important to me. Like teaching my children the Gospel. And using 2 squirts of facewash (because I really don't like acne). His other strong opinions include anarchy capitalism (recently evolved from libertarianism), which includes a myriad of opinions such as homeschooling our children. I told him from the beginning I'm open to the idea of homeschooling but if my mental health can't handle it I'd quit. Yjacket, truthfully it was slightly disconcerting to read your post from a 3rd party perspective, because you're talking about me and my husband and I came here for advice, not necessarily to be debated about. Nevertheless you too have good points though I didn't like that you suggested if I devoted my energies to my husband we would be able to work something out... without mentioning him in that same sentence. What I'm trying to say is I have devoted myself to him for a year. He's extremely fond of children and does spend a lot of time thinking about how he wants to raise his children. Unfortunately it was his search for peaceful parenting methods that ultimately led him the philosopher youtube channel that turned him away from God. So yes, I agree, I would love it if he focused on our marriage more than how he wants to raise his children. And I don't claim to be exempt from this either, so thank you.

Beefche, I agree, I need to work on my own testimony. I do worry that it's not strong enough to stay with him or to leave him truthfully. I consider this what I call an "abrahamic sacrifice" and I truly believe that if I remain true to my Lord he'll provide me a scape goat. Whether that means staying with my husband or leaving him somehow it'll work out. I've had a couple such "abrahamic trials" unfortunately and this, though it's up on my list, is not the worst, but perhaps that's because I've had previous trials to prepare me for this one. I have been lax in my testimony (transitioning to a family ward is strange, as we're newly weds without kids which keeps us out of the with kids loop at church, and I haven't made a great effort to make friends in our new ward and as such it's really really easy to sleep in through 9 am church and attend a different ward in the day). However, I've been amazed at how much strength I find in upping my game in prayer, scripture study, and temple attendence. I even went to my actual ward this week without my husband this week. I feel strength in reaching out to others. Thank you for the article. One of my preiouvs "abrahamic trials" included being emotionally abused by my trainer on my mission on a daily basis being told I had no charity and only thought in myself when I didn't agree with her. My mission president told me that I needed to learn to get along with my companion. My area president told me if I went home early from my mission I would never marry the kind of guy I want to marry. So I stayed. This ultimately led to what I call post-traumatic-mission-disorder 9 months later and I suffered from some severe depression which eventually sent me home early on a medical release. I've since come out of okay with the help of a lot of counseling and some medications. That was 4 years ago. My Husband was the type of guy I wanted to marry. It makes it all the more painful and all the more confusing. Having him turn the tables to me and accuse me of being abusive when I tell him "you're trying to change me and I don't appreciate it" and he tells me, I am not trying to change you, and you're accusing me of these things, and that's abusive is incredibly confusing. Having him tell me that teaching my children the gospel and asking them to accept it unconditionally as being abusive is also really confusing. It's confusing because it's a sore spot for me, but I really think he's the one being abusive... I think that's why I posted here. To see if anyone could agree with him. I do have a therapist right now. I got one to help me come off my medications a couple months ago so we could have children. Everyone's opinions have largely been a reflection of all the voices inside of my own head (not schizo styled). I have a gift of seeing things from many perspectives but unfortunately this can leave me very much indecisive in the middle ground. LiterateParakeet, thank you for your strength as well.

I've had a blessing and I felt peace. I met with my bishop alone and with my husband. My husband didn't feel taken seriously (and hasn't by anyone). I've been working on finding a mutual solution with him but I really think he wants me to convert to his new way of thinking. My prayers say to keep with him for now at least but the cognitive dissonance is quite painful.

My husband recently decided that any form of indoctrination to children is abusive as it asks them to believe something without questioning. He declared himself atheist to me about 3 weeks ago. He recently got really into studying philosophy and had a favorite philosopher you-tube channel full of podcasts who he claims opened his eyes to the blindness he's been in his entire life. I was and still am very heart broken, but I am doing a lot better now. We're both 27 years old. We were married in the temple a year ago. We've both served missions and been members our entire lives. He was the one that talked me into paying tithing on all our wedding gifts. He's been an elder's quorum president in his single's ward. He absolutely loves and adores children. After dumping several guys for their lack of commitment to the gospel, I really thought he was my best chance of having a spouse who would stand by my side and teach the Gospel in our home with familly prayer, scripture study, FHE, and the whole package. He refuses to pray to ask God if he's real, as praying alone indicates that he thinks there is a God, and he does not. I still love him. i haven't been the perfect wife, and he hasn't been the perfect husband but we've worked through most of our first year of marriage disputes okay. He can come off as a little controlling sometimes (example: most recently he watched me wash my face and told me that because he helps earn our income as well he has a say in that he wants me to use one squirt of face wash instead of 2 because its more economical). He sees things as black and white. Its very difficult to reason with him as he wants everything to be rationally sound and I can be very emotional and very unreasonable. That's some background. Here's the kicker: He says he doesn't want to stay married to me unless I agree not to assert the gospel as true in any way to our future children (Instead of saying Heavenly father loves you, use words like I believe, and in the Mormon religion...) and not to take our children to church with me until they're able to pass a "reason test" where he can attempt to brainwash our children and they resist appropriately (he guesses around age 8). Right now our plan is to stay married and get counseling until we can agree to a parenting method. If we cannot, we'll likely end up separated. Not teaching my children the gospel as I was taught in Preach My Gospel feels quite terrible to me right now, and though I often want to give up i keep going and hope that he will calm his strong feelings against the church, but truthfully, he's so black and white and this happened so quickly I don't know it'll ever happen. Is it not a commandment to teach your children the Gospel? Would it be right to stay in a relationship with requirements like this? He's changed so much. It really hurts.