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  1. So, I had written a couple other long posts that explained more details about our situation, but they were too sexually detailed, so they didn't allow them to post. I've asked them to email them back to me so I can try to modify them to be more tame. It's difficult because our sexual relationship is so complicated. I need to figure out how to explain it without being offensive or explicit. I'm so sad about our relationship. I'm trapped right now until I can get myself secure, and I need to play by his rules until I get myself together financially. I'll explain more later when I get the email back from admin because I spent a lot of time composing them, so I want to just modify it and not try to rewrite everything. But, here's what happened tonight that bothered me. My hubby is out of town on a business trip and he had told me last night that he wanted me to send him a picture and have phone sex with me while he's gone (for ONE night!). I didn't want to send pics since I had a bad experience in the past of my son seeing my naked pics, so I told him I didn't think it was a good idea. So, tonight he calls me and is like, so do you want to do something, or should I just take care of things myself? I'm thinking, you can't wait one freaking night?!? So, I knew he wanted me to be involved, but I just had too much going on tonight, and I literally hate phone sex. It's so dumb. So he just "took care of himself". So lame. I wish you could read those other posts I wrote earlier because you would have a little better understanding of our situation. He's so far removed from the spirit, he doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing. I don't feel at all like we're companions. He only likes me and is nice to me when everything goes his way sexually. And in order for that to happen, I have to succumb to his desires, or he is not nice to me. His love and affection is very conditional on his sexual satisfaction. Basically, I feel like if I stay with him I have to give up my eternal salvation because he wants me to do things that God wouldn't want me to do. But, you really need to know the rest of the story that I don't know how to explain. Ugh. But, I only hope God can look at my actions and realize where my heart is. Because I don't want to do the things he wants me to, but I feel like I have to in order to keep the peace in the relationship until I figure out what I'm doing. I literally feel like sex is all he cares about, and that's all I'm good for. I may have to endure this for at least a year or 2 until I can get myself secure financially. I just hope HF can understand in the mean time, because I just can't talk to anyone right now. That has backfired on me in the past, and I'm not ready to be on my own yet. Within 2 years, we should be completely debt free, other than the house. And I'm trying to work and earn some money. I think in 2 years, I will be in a position financially to feel secure enough that when he threatens divorce then, I won't have to be afraid to say, "OK. I am not going to be the only one trying to fight for this anymore." It's super sad tho because 2 years will be our 20 year anniversary. Makes me wanna cry. But, it's so hard to feel like your spouse has no desire to fight for you. I truly believe if I were to suggest divorce today, he'd be like "OK, let's do it finally." Instead of being sad and repentant and being willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage. No. He's so far past that point. It's heartbreaking. I've been the one fighting to keep the marriage together and asking him for another chance every time he talks about divorce. It seems like he threatens to leave me every few months. It's so tough to try to keep things together, and put on my game face, when I know it all just makes me unhappy. But I don't know what else to do. I feel so sad and disappointed. This is not what I signed up for. He was such a good man when I married him. Anyway, I need to go to bed. I'm so tired. I hate my life. ?
  2. The thing is I would leave if I felt a little more financially secure. There is so much more to this story, and I'm not completely innocent myself. I want to share more details. I guess I can explain, and then delete this later if I worry he might somehow find out. So, what began the spiraling dive, was that when I was pregnant with my first child, a couple years into the marriage, he got caught viewing porn at work a couple times and was fired because of it. I felt very betrayed and hurt, but he seemed sorry and apologetic and repentant at first. We went to counseling and the bishop and tried to work thru it. Little did I know this was only the beginning. I really don't know how many other times it happened, but I caught him again when I was pregnant with my third child. Again, he apologized and I think we went to counseling I don't remember. At the time, we were running a little online business, and it was a nice little side income, since his business wasn't making a lot yet, but it stressed me out having a preschooler, a toddler and a brand new baby and I was responsible for shipping everything and my house was a wreck all the time. I couldn't take it all. So, I decided to secretly start looking for an "easier" way to make money from home and this is where MY downward spiral began. I got sucked in and addicted to the shiny penny, get rich quick schemes. It started out with a few hundred dollars I'd spent buying some program. And I justified not telling him, because of his little secrets. But it got really really bad. So bad that before I knew it I had spend thousands and thousands of dollars, hoping one of them would finally pay off. I got deeper and deeper, and wanted to stop, but I was scared to stop because then I'd have to tell him, and I wanted to turn things around first. I was addicted to the hope that I was gonna make a lot of money but it backfired big time. I hid this from him for SIX years! And I don't even know for sure how much money I spent. Over 20k probably. He doesn't do anything with the finances, so I was just racking up credit card debt right and left trying to get the "right" program! I know! It's so dumb. But I had so many ways of justifying it in my mind, and I believe i was addicted and i had in gotten so deep, I was scared to tell him. He has punched more than one hole in walls, so he has a bit of an anger problem! Then, another incident happened. My husband had asked me for years to send him naked pics, and I never wanted to. But finally I decided I would do it for him and one time when he was out of town, I sent him a whole bunch of pics. I figured I'd rather have him looking at me than porn I guess. And he wanted phone sex, so we did that too. Sadly, later on after my husband has returned home, I had accidentally left the phone unlocked, and my 11 year old son found the pics and my husband got mad at me and threw the phone at the ground, breaking it into pieces. I'll add more later. Gotta run.
  3. I don't even know where to begin. I've been married almost 2 decades. The majority of that time has been pretty miserable. The only really truly happy time I remember in my marriage was in the first 2 years. My husband was a spiritual giant when we married. I loved that about him. Gradually, the spirituality has faded to the point where he does the bare, bare minimum at church, and he has become emotionally, verbally and in some ways sexually abusive. At least I think it's abuse. It all doesn't seem right for a husband to treat me the way he does. I would like to expound on more details, but I'm afraid he'll find out or something. I feel trapped in this marriage. I love him as the father of my kids, but I really don't like him very much. He's so mean to me sometimes. But not all the time. I never know what is going to set him off. And when he's mad, the insults, the namecalling, the F bombs just come out of his mouth like it means nothing to him. And then, he'll say "let's just end this. Neither of us is enjoying this." It's so deflating to hear that every few months. There are times when we're getting along, and we do have fun together, but it's always on his terms. If I mess up, or don't give him what he wants, then the nice guy is gone, and the claws come out and I'm left feeling beaten down and worthless. But, it's confusing, because it's inconsistent. So I am never sure when he'll be mad. Sometimes it's unreal how stupid the thing is that sets him off. I can't tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep over the years, wondering how this was ever part of God's plan for me. It seems so unfair. I really don't want a divorce mainly because it's so complicated. But I know I can't live the rest of my life pandering to his whims and devoting my life to making sure he's satisfied, because it's extremely unfulfilling to feel like all I'm good for is sex. It feels like doesn't want or care about anything else from me. As long as his dick is happy, then he's nice to me most of the time. It makes me so sad that he has no desire to fight for me or for the marriage. It just makes me feel like what's the point? Why should I fight for a man who makes me feel like worthless crap? I would love to say more, this is such a long and complicated story. There is a LOT more to it. But I'm seriously scared. If he found out I wrote this he would for sure leave. I just need a place to vent. Counseling is not an option right now and probably never unless I do divorce him. Bishop is definitely not an option. I just would love advice on how to handle this. So much more to say....I will explain more later, maybe! I'm scared. Maybe I'll delete this later. I do not want him to find out I wrote this. Aaahhh! I'm so sad. :,(