Dustin01

The only place I look at it is on my Phone......hasn't been on a PC in years and years. Honestly if I had a monitor or something for the phone I wouldn't feel like i could look at it there either. I know of some programs. Just of no one I can trust enough to do it with me. I mean I guess the bishop could but still. Thanks all of you for your thoughts and encouragement. It really helps alot and I got some laughs out of it. Gives me plenty to think about. I read the thing about sexual topics here, and I won't start into that. The only thing I will say is I became "sexually aware" of myself at age 5 or 6.....I told one of my bishops that and they were flabergasted.

Hi everyone, first post on the forums here, but I need some help and encouragement. But let me explain a bit first. I just turned 27 years old and feel like I haven't accomplished much in my life. I feel like everything is falling apart. I feel like my issues really started right after my mission. I started having a problem with pornography when I was 13 or 14 thereabouts. Its been a constant spectre and returning issue throughout my junior high and highschool years and leading up to my mission. I was successfully able to serve a mission and did well until around my last year. I got a companion who literally decided they weren't going to talk to me, basically I was alone. This drove me mad, I fell apart and fell "inwards" on myself. I relapsed and confessed to my Mission President who moved me to a new area where I could see a councilor. I was put on an anti-depressant and was able to serve the rest of my mission. Months later I return home and things are fine, I went to the Temple once for an endowment session. Shortly after I relapsed, and I hated myself for it. I hated myself so much. I was so angry. Then my Sister announced she was getting married. I knew I would be expected to go to her Sealing ceremony and I really wanted to go. I went and talked with my Bishop about my ongoing issues. He told me if I could go a month with a relapse leading up to my sisters Wedding I could get a temple recommend and go to her Sealing.....I had a relapse a day or two before the wedding. I plunged into a deep self-loathing depression and hate for myself. My mom was devastated I wouldn't be going to the sealing..... By the way, I have never come out and told my parents about my past or present issues regarding pornography, I feel too ashamed to, always have. I think they suspect but they haven't ever confronted me directly about it either. Anyway, after hating myself for so long I decided to finally let go of the hate and caring so much about this issue in my life. I found myself to be much happier that way then anything. And for the last several years that's how i've coped and lived. My question is, and fear. I feel as if I go to my Bishop and confess and start the repentance on this issue all over again, and relapse, I will descend again into utter hatred and loathing for myself and end up at square one again. I also don't know if even if I am pronounced clean enough to go into a Temple if I will EVER feel comfortable in those places again. I live near one and every time I drive near a Temple I feel like I don't belong there, at all, and never will. Sure I can attribute this to "the devil" telling me this. But even if I repent and am "clean" I feel like I will never feel clean in a Temple. I feel like all I will think about upon entering a Temple is how I shouldn't be there. I don't know what to do anymore. Im angry and frustrated. I still go to church regularly, I still believe in the gospel, but I don't believe that I will ever feel up to snuff to really live it ever again. Anyway, I feel like I will be rambling if I continue anymore. I needed to get this out somewhere where people can understand a bit of where I am coming from and what you would suggest. Thanks in advance.