Bluebird

I came back to reread some things and I was glad to see the new posts. I "signed off " because this is really uncomfortable for me-I have never discussed this with anyone and reading the supportive messages has been great. I was super hesitant to post this . I just really needed somebody to talk to the other night and I really have no one. I expected some insensitive comments but I just want to be clear that yes I do count my blessings. I've given you all one little detail of my marriage and my feelings. And maybe I should just get up everyday and offer up some thanks for my toilet paper- or just for a man in my life - and sometimes I do. But while this may seem frivolous to all of you it isn't to me. Not to mention the guilt and confusion I've had in my heart. I have been alone for 15 years raising 5 kids. I don't know how many of you are married but for those that are I'm sure you could name several times when you've needed encouragement, support or needed to talk through something with your spouse- or just a moment to bond and feel close. I've never had one of those conversations or experiences. I'm not going into more details about our relationship. Obviously I'm not fantastic at explaining myself either and I'll take responsibility for that. I'd just ask that if anyone wants to spend their time reading through all of this and want to send me another "count your blessings " post that I have, I do and lucky for you, you can't empathize with me. If you have nothing productive and kind to say - or feel this issue isn't as big of a problem as someone else's- maybe move on to a post where you can feel you've done some good in the world today. I'm well aware that I'm more blessed than a lot of other people. Doesn't mean my heart doesn't hurt sometimes too - I didn't realize this was a competition. Backroads- thanks for your question. When I fast and pray about other things answers seem to come. When I pray about this it's like my prayers can't leave my room. I really try to pray to see him as Heavenly Father sees him and to love him and that helps but as far as clarity on our overall situation I haven't gotten any answers. Though I do feel that so much of what's been said here has been things I needed to hear. But no peace.

Thank you Eowyn. I needed that advice right there and BeccaKirstyn you both said what I needed to hear. I'm going to sign off and be done. I really needed to just be heard and express this. I'm going to pursue counseling for me and move forward with faith that it'll be ok. Thanks everyone- and Jane_Doe I really appreciate your perspective. I think this is something I need to learn more about. Obviously not all my answers will be found online- I'll keep pursuing answers through the Lord but I really do thank all of your thoughtful answers.

Eowyn I haven't yet. I should.

No absolutely not anyone specific. You can see my original post on others people's comments I think. Basically when we went in to get married I was overcome with a feeling that this was really really wrong. It scared me enough that I still worry about it and see the big issues in our marriage as evidence that I'm wrong for him- not what he needs and vice versa. I worry that I didn't listen, went through with it anyways. I was having some feelings along these lines leading up to it. I don't want to say exactly what happened but he did something to violate my trust in a huge way. He's never done anything like that since. Anyway, there isn't anyone else that I know of. I just think if this isn't right then hypothetically don't I hold responsibility for anyone else that might have been right? Also my patriarchal blessings said certain things would happen on the temple when I got married and they didn't happen.

Lol- one reason I was trying to edit my question! Yes we need to try again- it's a matter of him being willing to go / affording it. But yes I agree. Thank you.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and advice. I meant to edit my question earlier but accidentally deleted it and with two kids on my lap and needing me I gave up:) My original post was pretty self centered I realized. In trying to sum up I think I made it sound like I'm insensitive to his situation or to others who do have it worse. I am so very thankful to be with someone who is so kind and good. I guess my real concern is this- I made an immature, wreck less decision when I was 19 years old. I've stayed because I do honor the covenants I've made and don't want my kids to suffer, my husband or me for that matter. I am hung up on that feeling I got in the temple. Usually when we don't listen to a prompting it doesn't have eternal consequences- though sometimes it does. So how do I repent for this? Divorce doesn't seem like a way to fix it. Staying logically makes me think I've not only sinned against the prompting but that I've short changed my husband and maybe even spouses that we should have had? I worry that I've done something unfixable and though I've prayed for a lot of years for peace and guidance, in this one place in my life, I've not received it. As for having children- of course I did. I've been trying for a long time to live the gospel anyway, to honor my covenants and give my husband the life and family he deserves. I'm struggling inside- I've tried to talk to him about this but as I said he cannot have a conversation with me about really anything that would require him to be emotionless honest or logical or thoughtful in a way that makes sense to me- let alone this. He always wants to please me to the point I feel like I can't reach him at all. I really appreciated the comments about aspergers and I've had that thought for a long time. When we first were married I called everyone- counselors, speech therapists, doctors even chiropractors. No one ever came to that conclusion- though I did just have phone calls with them on the effort to figure out who we needed to see. I guess, and this probably sounds ridiculous but it's just where I am in my head, that if I knew God was ok with our marriage that I could maybe work harder, look at the eternal perspective more often. But when I try to do that now I just get scared that I've messed everything up for everyone. I'm just lost with this and don't know how to make it right.