Oracle

I don't exactly get what you are asking. My mom is inactive. I'm not particularly close with either of my parents. If you are trying to ask me if my parents are abusive, the answer is no, and you should have just asked directly. My parents are not abusive, they love me very much. I know that they would never hurt me if I told them, and they would not mean to make me miserable. My parents will think that they didn't try hard enough with my other siblings and try as hard as they could to "help" me, even if it meant making my life absolutely miserable. If you weren't asking me if my parents are abusive, then what were you asking? As for my other two brothers, they despise religion and have wasted much of their potential. My parents just wouldn't understand, they would be trying to help me. My sisters can be very absent minded and have serious lapses in judgement. They would likely tell a friend thinking that friend would keep it a secret, and then eventually everyone would know. I am no where near ready to confess to my branch president anyway. I'm not even sure if I actually believe in God. I'm trying to, and I'm acting as if I do, but I just don't know what I believe. I keep hoping that eventually I will feel something and I will actually start to believe, but I'm not so sure anymore. I can't just do it because someone who might exist wants me to do it.

If I told my branch president he would most likely tell my parents, or they would end up asking me when they found out I wasn't passing the sacrament. It would be very bad to tell my parents these things considering what they have experienced with four of my older siblings. I do not want them to think I am like my siblings, and I do not want to be treated like my siblings. My three older brothers are atheists, and one of them is gay and he has about $10,000 in student debt dropped on my parents and he is completely wasting his life, and my older sister started skipping school to do drugs and have sex, so she was taken out of school and home schooled. She began to sneak people through her bedroom window and sneaking out of the house at night. She would also cut names and shapes into her skin using a blade. She was sent to a mental hospital twice before we had to send her back to live with her biological father. My parents finding out cannot end in any good way. In the best possible scenario, my parents would have absolutely no trust in me, take my bedroom door away, take me out of public school, one of my parents would always wait outside the bathroom and shower waiting for me, and not let me do anything I want or go anywhere alone. My sisters would also find out and it would be spread around school and I would be beat up for it. In the worst case scenario my parents send me away to the strictest boot camp they can afford. And why is telling the branch president necessary? Isn't repentance between the sinner and God? If I did tell the branch president, and he didn't tell my parents, but my parents wanted to know, would it be wrong if I told them a lie? I would much rather have them think that I got a hold of alcohol and had a drink. I will not do anything that will result in my parents finding out the truth. If I have to I will wait until I am in college and I will tell the bishop at the church there, even if it having to wait.

I can't bring myself to tell the bishop. (technically I have a branch president, but that's not important.) I am in a small branch, I am the only priest, there are two teachers who almost never come to church, and one deacon. Everyone would know that I did something if I stopped passing the sacrament. This is too much for me. I just have this horrible feeling that I can only describe as depression. I am in a perpetual state of fear, shame, sadness, hopeless, and alone. I hate my life right now. Will I ever actually be interested in women, or will I have to fake it my entire life?

I just made my account for the express purpose of making this thread. I don't know where else to go. I am not proud of what I am about to admit. I was born into the church and I used to be pretty faithful when I was younger, though I never actually read the scriptures outside of church. I was about 12 when I realized I was gay, and over time I stopped caring about church very much and I became almost agnostic around the age of 13. I am very ashamed of it, but I watched pornography and masturbated for years and only stopped about a week ago, I also had sex once when I was 15. A few days ago, I was in Nauvoo on a trip with my stake, and I felt inspired to build my testimony, read the scriptures, begin to pray again, and repent, and maybe even start going to seminary. I've started all of them except for seminary, and I think my prayers are getting answered. I had a crush on one of my roommates, but after I started praying I didn't feel the same way about him, instead I mostly admired him, though temptation was still there. I have also gone almost a week without masturbation with almost no desire to do it again, and every day the desire is less. I truly think I will be able to overcome these things. I am now 17 and I am a priest, and I pass the sacrament every Sunday, and I also acted as a proxy in the Nauvoo temple this week. Are these things that I am required to tell a bishop if I can overcome them on my own? Am I worthy to pass the sacrament? Am I worthy to even partake of it? Was I even worthy to be ordained a priest, teacher, or even deacon? Because I wasn't actually worthy to enter the temple, does that mean that it wasn't a valid baptism when they were baptized through me? Is this something that I can just overcome, repent for, and never do again and it will all be fine, or do I have to be re-ordained and would the baptisms have to be redone with a worthy proxy? If I did tell the bishop, what would happen with me? Would I not be allowed to attend seminary? Would people know about what I've done? These aren't things I want people I know to know about me. I could get beat up at school for this, and my dad is already disappointed in me enough because I was never dedicated to God and he still hopes I will go on a mission one day. I tell him that I want to go to college, which is easier than telling him I'm not worthy, but the truth is, I kind of would like to go on a mission. Would I be able to go on a mission if I overcame these things and I had a strong testimony, dedication to God, and knowledge of the Gospel, or is it way too late? Please help me.