MadMaddy

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Everything posted by MadMaddy

  1. YES! The pornography is worrisome for me, as he’s slipped about once every 6 months or so. However, my biggest fear is that these habits will bring back the adultery. When we were in the midst of weekly therapy he never indulged in pornography. I know he needs to get back into an SA program. I have suggested it, but refuse to nag him about it....even though I REALLY want to nag. Is this something a wife SHOULD nag about? I feel that if I had insisted on him getting help years ago, the adultery never would have happened...at least I hope so. “One thing to look out for is where are you husbands priorities. Does he still value his member ship in the church, does he wear his garments with pride and purpose. Does he tell you that he doesnt like his addiction, is he continually repentant and sorry for his actions even though it keeps re-occuring, does he teach your kids to be morally clean and live all the commandments? All these are good signs.” Yes to all of this! He’s a very good man, and I love him dearly...I just really hate the addiction.
  2. I’m not sure? Our first few years of marriage, it was a daily occurrence, but then kids came along, and it waned slightly. I think it’s at a good point now, but like I said, I feel like his libido is still pretty sky-high. I think if he had the time and energy, he’d still like it daily.
  3. I think we have also reached that “slowing down” phase, but the man still thinks of sex constantly. We’re only intimate 3-4 times a week, but he’s always making comments, and insinuating things. I don’t really mind—he’s funny and fun, but I just want his sexual thoughts ONLY ABOUT ME. I know this is hardly possible, given the amount of porn he’s seen, and his past with other women. When can I expect his sexual thoughts to slow down? We’re in our mid-40’s, but I think he still has the brain of an 18 yr old kid!
  4. Thank you all so much for the words of encouragement and advice. To answer a few questions some have had... We are very active LDS, and we are devoted to the gospel. In fact, this trial has refined my relationship with my Savior, and for that I am so grateful. Also, ironically, it has made me love my husband so much more-- I think because I had to fight so hard to hold our marriage together. A downside is that it has really increased my insecurities. If it wasn't for this one thing I really believe our marriage would be perfect. I'm not even as worried about the slips with pornography. Yes, it isn't an ideal situation, and makes me feel bad about myself, but I would rather deal with that than the infidelities again. That was so heartbreaking, I don't think I could come back from it again. That's why I have had thoughts of leaving--running away before it happens again? I don't know...maybe it will never get to that point again. I'm just afraid. --also, in his defense, he had a horrific childhood. We learned, through therapy, that any addiction is used as a coping mechanism--an escape. He's done a lot of work to deal with those past demons and shame, and I don't want to lose him to it all over again.
  5. We have good filters on our computer, but he can access the internet anywhere on his phone. He can't give up his phone, because it's crucial in his line of work.
  6. Our kids are older, but we still have about 10+ years before the baby leaves home. The kids have no idea there's a problem. For the most part, we keep any disagreements between the two of us pretty quiet. He's never been abusive to us, but Adultery and Addiction are things that I will have to deal with for our entire marriage, or so it seems.
  7. So how do I fix this? As I said before, we are best friends, and I love spending time with him. I try to make him feel like he's at the top of my list, but obviously I'm lacking.
  8. Hi all! I've been married to my husband, and best friend, for 20+ years. The majority of these years he's been plagued by a pornography/sex addiction. In the beginning I tried to be supportive, I asked what I could do to help, etc., He said he'd get control of it himself. Little did I know, it was not something he could take care of himself. His addiction grew from viewing pornography occasionally, to viewing it daily, to eventually committing adultery with numerous women over the course of about 5 years. After I discovered this ( I honestly think he would have taken the secret to his grave) I became angry and separated from him. We have 4 kids, and I knew they needed their Dad, so I agreed to work on things, if he would get into intensive therapy. Well, he did! Yay! Things were looking up, and I was able to forgive and forget and we moved forward. Fast forward 7 years....things are getting bad again. He's having "slips" more often, and instead of being transparent with me, he hides it. I'm terrified. I put so much into getting this marriage "back up and running" and I feel like he's throwing it all away. I'm starting to fall into a depression, knowing I will NEVER be enough for the man I love. I try so hard every day to make him feel like #1-- I text him "love messages" throughout the day, give him my undivided attention when we're together, we go on weekly date nights, I fulfill his needs in the bedroom, but it will never be enough. He tells me I'm beautiful, but I no longer believe him. I'm sad, and I don't know where to go from here. He could get into therapy again, but we paid hundreds/thousands of dollars for therapy over the course of 3-4 years, and if he won't use the tools they taught him, it's useless anyway. Should I just end things?