CanMormonGirl

I know there is no such thing as "the one". I know there are many different people I could have a good marriage with. That's not what I'm hung up on. In my initial post I mentioned how some people will say they know a person is right for him/her, not that they found the only person who is right for him/her. With that in mind, my query was really about whether or not it's realistic to expect that everyone can feel sure about the decision to marry someone, or if perhaps depending upon the personality some might not ever feel completely sure and just have to take that leap of faith.

I have been dating in hopes of one day marrying for about 7 years now. I have dated lots of different guys during that time. I even got engaged to one (though I'll admit I never was fully sure about marrying him), and I never felt sure about any of the others either. Now I'm in probably the healthiest relationship I've ever been in. We've been dating for about 7 months and he says he wants to marry me (and is very patient in regards to how long I want to wait before making that decision and how I feel about it). He's got a lot of great qualities that are important to me, but I still feel indecisive. I have sought the advice of many, but I still wonder and grapple with the question "am I just struggling with indecision and perhaps perfectionism, or is there really just something important that is missing in our relationship?". I know I can't expect perfection, nor am I looking for anyone to complete me, and yet I still think to myself "it would be nice if I was more attracted... I wish he was more ambitious about the kind of lifestyle I want to have". I sometimes feel shallow for thinking the former thought, but some say if physical attraction is higher up on my list of what's most important than that's okay. Truth is, I do feel attraction, since there is a lot more to it than purely just the physical aspect, but I've experienced very strong physical attraction to former boyfriends and I sometimes find it very hard not to compare those feelings (and I know it's not fair to, or very productive). I also consider the fact that those intense feelings of physical attraction may fade over time as we age... but for some maybe they don't? Can you tell I'm an over thinker yet?? I guess what it boils down to is that there are a few things I really miss about my former relationship that I had with my ex-fiance, that aren't being felt very strongly in my current relationship. But my current boyfriend possesses amazing qualities that weren't present in my ex-fiance. I know I can't meld the two together, and even thinking about doing so leads me to believe I am seeking someone who "has it all". But I feel like I accept my boyfriend's quirks and idiosyncrasies, it's just mainly those two things that I don't feel very sure about. Well, he also struggles with pornography... and I do feel like moving forward I would have to consider the high possibility of relapses occurring during our marriage. But he's a very patient, loving man, and he is trying to overcome it. All that being said, I have a big question to ask. Do you (whoever you may be) believe that "when you know, you know", and that if you don't feel that supposed "I just know this is a right person for me", then it's better to be patient and move on? Or do you believe there are some people who will never be the type to truly say "I just know", just based on who they are? Because when I hear people say "when you know, you know", I feel frustrated. Because I have never just known. In the end, I know love is a choice, but I would love to say yes to marrying someone without having a doubt in my mind. Though I am beginning to wonder if that is just a romantic idea. What do you think? Any advice, thoughts, especially in regards to my last big question would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for reading.

Thanks for the thoughtful response @dellme that certainly helps put things into perspective!

I've been dating my boyfriend for over 6 months, and before that we dated for a little while and broke up before getting back together. I felt good about dating him again but I've been so back and forth throughout the entire relationship. I now feel like we've reached a critical point in our time together. We both feel we've been dating long enough that we should know which direction we're heading. Either towards marriage or breaking up. But it's very difficult for me to lean completely one way or the other because of the mixed feelings I've been having. Some days I feel peaceful about a future with him, and other days I get all worried and afraid of committing. I've prayed, fasted, and read my scriptures to help me feel one way or the other, but the mixed feelings continue. The mixed feelings stem from wondering if he's right for me long-term. He isn't the most articulate person, which is something I am very attracted to, but over time our ability to connect and have deeper discussions has improved. So I see potential for that to continue, and I'm afraid of giving up on something potentially wonderful because I nit pick over how articulate he is in trivial conversation (although when having more serious discussions he can always express himself). I feel especially this way because in every other way he is exactly the kind of person I want to marry. Our goals for our lives align so well. On the other hand, I fear feeling dissatisfied in a marriage years down the road. But I hate the thought of loosing him. We've discussed my fears and he's always willing to listen to what he could improve upon, but ultimately I want to feel good about marrying the man he is right now. Part of the reason I might be having these issues is because of a hang up on a previous boyfriend. We dated a long time ago but we connected immediately and he was very articulate. Because of that I tend to fall into the comparison trap. But this ex-boyfriend is not very active in the gospel and in many ways I question long-term happiness with him as well. My feelings seem complicated and it's been hard to follow my heart on this one. I don't want to regret my decision. Any advice?!