ok so we get ppl coming here a lot looking for advise on their marriage. the same links get posted... usually cause even though the names and details have changed to protect the innocent the answers/story is still the same. so i thought we could have a thread not to discuss specific marriage problems but just links of good resources that can be referenced when the occassion arrises. they can be links to talks from the church leaders, different marriage/self help books or programs, websites, etc. so it's not really a discussion thread so much as a resources for your marriage thread. however, please throw in why you posted a specific talk or if you have read it and found it useful if you like. i'll start with ones i recommend or have seen recommended and yall can throw in as you see fit. first the church resources LDS Family Services lots of info there including how to find an lds counselor in your area. if finances are a problem speak with your bishop. another church location that may have some info you are looking for... Home & Family- Building a Strong Family outside of the church resources... remember most websites have free email news letters that can have awsome information. Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice this one has the book "his needs her needs" as well as others by the same author (willard f. harley, jr. ph.d) Marriage Counseling - Free Marriage Help – Save Marriage - Stop Divorce - Marriage Problem Solving (this one has a great free emails that come regularly) Pamper your LDS Marriage with a "Magnify Your Marriage" Retreat! this guy is lds in case that matters to you. Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment this one is also lds and has a lot of focus on the sexual difficulties in marriage that may not be addressed in other resources. the movie "fireproof" and the book that inspired it "the love dare" often get suggested, here is the official site... Welcome To FireProofMyMarriage.com The Five Love Languages this one gets recommended a lot this one is also lds DeseretBook.com - For All Eternity that's all i can think of off the top of my head....
Emotional affairs suck. My wife had one that lasted a year and a half. I didn't find out until a year after it was over. And even though we were at a very low spot in our marriage, my heart was crushed. My desire for living was pretty much gone. Didn't care to eat, sleep, work.
Mine has a bit of a different twist that has been difficult for me to deal with. My wife believes this other guy to be her twin flame. And if you don't know what that is, google it. It is not good for me. However, when I found out about it, she said that she intends on staying with me. But there is this other guy in her life that she has this connection to and may have this connection to him for the rest of our lives.
So I guess my question is. Is the affair over? You say he is trying hard to repair the relationship. My wife did nothing to try and repair our relationship. She had completely given up on me and had it in her mind that we could be married friends and that is about it. So I had a wife who had an emotional affair, didn't really care to fix our relationship and life sucked. I cried on many occasions. But I prayed and prayed and the answer kept coming back to me to forgive her and to love her. But why? she wasn't seeking forgiveness.. But I felt an overwhelming desire to change things in my life and do as I was inspired to do.
At the time, I definitely was not loving my wife. I set out to do a few things. I decided that I would have 7 things that I would do to improve me and show love to my wife. Mind you I did this without telling her about any of this. I would find some way to serve her every day. Something more than I had in the past. I worked hard on all of the things she wanted updated in the house, I paid her a sincere compliment every day. I really started to try and get into shape.
Another thing I did was change my attitude toward fighting. I took a serious look at anger and what a detriment it is to us. It is such a useless emotion. Nothing good comes from it. I can't say I don't get angry, but what what I do is very different. I am quick to control it. Instead of fighting, I stop, take a big step back and figure out from a neutral perspective if I am really justified. And whether I am or not, it has allowed us to have good conversations about the issues.
You had mentioned that you need full disclosure. I am with you on that. Most of my wife's affair was online chat. 15K messages to be more precise. She and I know each others passwords. And yes, I got into her accounts and read everything. I had trust issues and so I continued to read. I would read her current conversations with her friends. Of course I did this without her knowing and she eventually caught me. That led to a good long discussion about trust.
Here is the thing. There is nothing that she can do to earn back the trust. An affair is too big of a deal. The only way to get the trust back is for the married partner to give that trust back. They don't deserve it, but something told me that that was the only way to truly fixing this. So I decided that whether she deserved it or not, that I would just blindly trust her. I stopped reading her stuff and stopped trying to find out where she was going (in her mind). Did she lie to me after I found out? Yes, on numerous occasions.
So I kept doing my plan. Trying to find ways to actively love her. It was hard. my heart just hurt every day. She didn't respond to my gestures, but I continued doing them anyway. I figured that it could take a very long time. After about 4 months, she began to change. Some of her old self started to reemerge. Herself from when we were in love with each other.
It has been 8 months now since I found out. Are things perfect between us? Absolutely not, but they are so much better than they had been. I feel almost like a renewed person/couple. I continue to work my plan and I don't think I'll ever stop. Love is not just a feeling. It is a choice and it is an action. Love is a choice we should make every day. Wake up and make the choice to love your spouse. Don't ask yourself if he is doing enough. You don't know his mind. You can't change him. The only person you can control and change is yourself. Ask yourself if you are loving him as much as you can? Don't ask if you should. He is a son of God. God still loves him.
My heart changed through my struggles. The hurt went away. Forgiveness wasn't something that I just did and was done. It was something that took a long time. It included restoring my trust in her. It included me stopping my desire to know all (that was not easy). It took me actively working on my love for her even when I hurt more than I can describe.
The only way to heal is to truly give him your love. You have to be all in or it isn't going to mend. God doesn't withhold his love for you and we both know that we are not perfect. Being all in is not easy and it doesn't make sense. But there is nothing. absolutely nothing he can do to make up for what he did. Only you can forgive him.. This means to love him and trust him. If you take this path, you won't regret it. It is a hard path, but it is the only path that leads to healing.
I am finally back to the point where my wife turns to me in bed and wraps her arms around me and hold me tight. My heart is finally at peace and I am happy. I didn't think I would be happy for a very long time. I know our Father in Heaven has blessed me with this. I am at peace with the whole twin flame thing as well. She rarely thinks of him now and it is me that she really wants to be with.
I know you can fix this. If he is trying like you said, as much as you are inclined to hold back, don't. Give him all of your love. Make him know that you love him, that you trust him. Make him know that you want him. This is what will mend your heart. There is nothing he can do to mend it for you. Only you can do it and only by giving your all will it be fixed.
Hi Coco Risu, so sorry you are going through this.
Because of the atonement, it is possible for you and your husband to move from where you are now to a place where you have a full reconciliation of your relationship with each other where things are as good as they ever were, or even better. That can only happen however where there is full repentance on his part and full forgiveness on your part.
Even if he doesn't repent however, you can sill fully forgive him and receive the blessings of the atonement from that. Forgiving him doesn't mean you give him a pass, it doesn't mean you'll never struggle with hurt feelings, and it doesn't even mean you have to stay with him. It means you let go of any anger or vindictiveness toward him over it. You feel sadness over his fall from grace rather than spite. That will let you be happier, and it gives him an environment where it is easier for him to repent.
I think you both might benefit from a series of posts on my blog, here is part 1 http://latterday-marriage.blogspot.com/2017/09/healing-wounds-part-1-where-to-start.html
Hi Coco,
Just let go of the hurt feelings. Go back to the gym, get a job that pays well. Get all of your finances in order and say goodbye. If you want to stay and suffer with him until he changes (if ever) then do so. At this point do what the spirit tells you to. One of my cousins was cheated on after already having 5-6 kids (don't remember at the moment) she filed for divorce, went to school and now is a well paid nurse. She is also STILL active in the church.
