I understand where you are coming from. I thought about these things in the beginning a lot. I confronted him about pornography and he told me he never had a problem with pornography. He later explained more, but porn was not a part of his past.
I felt like I must not be trying hard enough, that maybe I wasn't saying the right things or wearing the right things. I tried very careful not to turn into the nagging wife. So hard that if our room was dirty I stopped asking for help and cleaned it myself. If there were dishes I just did them. He would come home from work and just sit on his computer all night while I cleaned around him. I thought that he wasn't attracted to me because I wasn't attractive enough. I was never a makeup or heels kind of girl, I've just never put much stock into material possessions or beauty. Which is something he had previously said he loved about me. I started waking up early to curl my hair and wear makeup, bought several pairs of heels and even lingerie and just spent weeks chasing his affection as he grew more and more distant.
All it did was diminish all of my self worth. I would cry at the end of the night as I took off my makeup, looking into the mirror at a reflection I didn't recognize. I thought I must be too emotional, too needy. So I bit my tongue every time I wanted to ask for a kiss or a hug. Every time I felt I couldn't contain my tears I would sit in the bathroom with the fan on and cry. I tried my hardest to put on a smile, but I became so so lonely. It was by far the worst months of my life. Every day I tried to "choose love", but when it was met with such lack of interest, it was hard to take. At this point I was so desperate for affection or interest.
So, we had a talk. We had multiple talks throughout the span of a couple nights. We talked about divorce. There were tears from both of us as we wondered what had happened, where we had gone wrong. I mostly let him talk. He told me he did love me but he couldn't help but wonder about life as a single and what would have happened if he had dated more people. I could relate to that, he was my first boyfriend. I held him while he cried about the fact he married me, without saying a word. In all the marriage, that was the hardest moment.
He explained a cross-dressing fetish he had that made it impossible to get turned on without the idea of it. My body would just never get him there. It stung my self esteem to hear but I accepted it, told him that fetishes aren't our choice and that it was okay. That I loved him and was happy to try it if it would help him.
Essentially after listening to him express all of those thoughts I told him that regardless, we got married. It was clear we were naive. It was clear we should have dated longer, and maybe even have broken up. But we made a commitment to Heavenly Father and to each other. We do love each other. But we are young. We aren't perfect. I know it seems like I'm not painting a full picture but I'm just trying to put my thoughts down. I am in no way perfect, but we both needed to be willing to try. I gave him his out, I said that if he wanted to divorce then we would. But if he wanted to stay then he had to be in this marriage. No more talk of divorce. No more day dreaming about the "what if's". We would have to commit.
Anyways, long story short: we are working on it. After that night, things have been different. He has been much more involved. We still have fights and hard days but there are happy days too, which felt impossible months ago. There are days where we laugh and smile and eat pizza and ice cream late at night. It might seem simple but I never thought we'd get to the day where he would look happy to see me, or where he would cuddle with me in bed. Our life is far from perfect but it is a marriage working towards perfection. And that's good enough for me.
Thanks to everyone for listening to someone who desperately needed to vent and get some validation.
I'll probably delete this post in a few weeks or so. Put this whole thing behind us, fresh start.