herewego

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  1. I understand where you are coming from. I thought about these things in the beginning a lot. I confronted him about pornography and he told me he never had a problem with pornography. He later explained more, but porn was not a part of his past. I felt like I must not be trying hard enough, that maybe I wasn't saying the right things or wearing the right things. I tried very careful not to turn into the nagging wife. So hard that if our room was dirty I stopped asking for help and cleaned it myself. If there were dishes I just did them. He would come home from work and just sit on his computer all night while I cleaned around him. I thought that he wasn't attracted to me because I wasn't attractive enough. I was never a makeup or heels kind of girl, I've just never put much stock into material possessions or beauty. Which is something he had previously said he loved about me. I started waking up early to curl my hair and wear makeup, bought several pairs of heels and even lingerie and just spent weeks chasing his affection as he grew more and more distant. All it did was diminish all of my self worth. I would cry at the end of the night as I took off my makeup, looking into the mirror at a reflection I didn't recognize. I thought I must be too emotional, too needy. So I bit my tongue every time I wanted to ask for a kiss or a hug. Every time I felt I couldn't contain my tears I would sit in the bathroom with the fan on and cry. I tried my hardest to put on a smile, but I became so so lonely. It was by far the worst months of my life. Every day I tried to "choose love", but when it was met with such lack of interest, it was hard to take. At this point I was so desperate for affection or interest. So, we had a talk. We had multiple talks throughout the span of a couple nights. We talked about divorce. There were tears from both of us as we wondered what had happened, where we had gone wrong. I mostly let him talk. He told me he did love me but he couldn't help but wonder about life as a single and what would have happened if he had dated more people. I could relate to that, he was my first boyfriend. I held him while he cried about the fact he married me, without saying a word. In all the marriage, that was the hardest moment. He explained a cross-dressing fetish he had that made it impossible to get turned on without the idea of it. My body would just never get him there. It stung my self esteem to hear but I accepted it, told him that fetishes aren't our choice and that it was okay. That I loved him and was happy to try it if it would help him. Essentially after listening to him express all of those thoughts I told him that regardless, we got married. It was clear we were naive. It was clear we should have dated longer, and maybe even have broken up. But we made a commitment to Heavenly Father and to each other. We do love each other. But we are young. We aren't perfect. I know it seems like I'm not painting a full picture but I'm just trying to put my thoughts down. I am in no way perfect, but we both needed to be willing to try. I gave him his out, I said that if he wanted to divorce then we would. But if he wanted to stay then he had to be in this marriage. No more talk of divorce. No more day dreaming about the "what if's". We would have to commit. Anyways, long story short: we are working on it. After that night, things have been different. He has been much more involved. We still have fights and hard days but there are happy days too, which felt impossible months ago. There are days where we laugh and smile and eat pizza and ice cream late at night. It might seem simple but I never thought we'd get to the day where he would look happy to see me, or where he would cuddle with me in bed. Our life is far from perfect but it is a marriage working towards perfection. And that's good enough for me. Thanks to everyone for listening to someone who desperately needed to vent and get some validation. I'll probably delete this post in a few weeks or so. Put this whole thing behind us, fresh start.
  2. My marriage feels like it has been crumbling from the start. We have only been married 8 months. I don't think my husband was ready to get married. Looking back with brutal honesty, I think he rushed into marriage to have sex with me. He was always very attentive and kind to me. We always had fun and I thought we had the same goals in life. I feel hurt because when we were dating, he went along with things that he shouldn't have. Just agreeing with me and pretending to have more in common than we did. Then once we got married, he withdrew any physical affection. He admitted he hated things about me that he previously said he loved. The night we got back from our honeymoon he asked me if I regretted getting married or if I thought we got married too fast. He then told me how he still thought about other girls and didn't feel attracted to me anymore. It absolutely broke my heart because it shattered my reality. I know it sounds dramatic, but I thought up until that point that we were fine, happy and in love. I was the happiest I'd ever been and it made me feel like I was trapped with someone who didn't really want to be with me. I felt used and lied to, it sent me into a bad case of depression. He stopped having sex with me, maybe a couple times a month, we never held hands or kissed anymore. We would fight constantly, he would play League on his computer from the time he got home until 1 or 2 am and I would usually just go to bed around 8:30 or 9 , sometimes earlier with how depressed I felt. Then after maybe 4 months of this, one night I had a breakdown just crying and I told him how this marriage really made me feel. He cried too, saying he didn't know how bad I felt and that he was sorry. He pretty much admitted that he didn't have any romantic feelings for me and we agreed we both deserved better. I was crushed, I had never felt so alone. Since then, we have upheld a horrible pattern. We decide it's important that we try and salvage our marriage. We have a great week, maybe two weeks, then get into a horrible fight and either he threatens to walk out through anger after a fight or we both cry due to how unhappy we have been and discuss divorce again. Then the next day we decide to really try again and stop bringing up divorce. However, without fail the same cycle goes on. It feels like he always makes effort those weeks to be kind to me, and I appreciate it. But honestly, even at our best we are just good friends. He doesn't lust after me or want to just hold me close. I don't know what to do. My self-esteem has never taken a dive like it has this year. I was always self confident growing up and never felt like I needed make up or heels or curled hair to be beautiful. But he makes me feel like I do. The real problem here is that I fell in love with him when we were dating, and I think all he ever felt was infatuation. Is there hope for us? I'm looking for advice. Thanks.