I began formally investigating the church the week after April General Conference. From the beginning my family was firmly against the idea and for my 4 month summer vacation I was unable to attend church, had to meet missionaries in secret and was unable to abstain from tea and coffee without causing a row. Every sunday I would feel guilty and miserable for my lack of church attendance, and I felt constantly bad about not keeping the Words of Wisdom. The last time I attempted to open the topic of church for discussion my mum said that if I would not cut contact with the missionaries, she'd contact them for me and say that we could no longer meet, and that she would never support me joining the church. I did end up cutting contact for around a month, but then continued again in secret. I am 20 years old so do not need my parents consent to join, but the idea of doing so when it is clearly against my families wishes and in secret makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I've never kept a big secret from my family before, or ever gone against my parents with anything without having my siblings support. It also makes me uncomfortable the idea of making baptismal covenants that I am not certain I will be able to keep when I return home from university. I cannot say that the church or Book of Mormon is true with confidence, but the fact I can say there is truth to it seems enough for the missionaries. One of the missionaries I met at home is a zone leader who apparently asks about me every time he calls and has suggested multiple baptism dates. The current missionaries I meet keep saying about how everything will fall into place once I'm baptised since I'll have the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, and members keep saying over and over what a 'special spirit' I am, and how our Heavenly Parents would be devastated if I fell away. When I've prayed about baptism and joining I haven't felt positive about it and it really doesn't feel like the right time, but every time I mention that I just end up being asked 'if not now, when??' I feel like the decision to join the church is having its significance down played. I don't want to rush it, or go ahead when I feel like I may regret it and still have so many doubts and uncertainties. It feels like everyone around me is over estimating how strong my feelings are towards it and I just feel so anxious about it all it makes me want to flee. I don't want to be one of those people who spend 30 years meeting with missionaries and mulling things over...but I just feel I need more time. I have been investigating 6 months which I've been told is a long time but also I've only actually attended church around 6 times within that bracket. The missionaries have realised their invites to be baptised are making me anxious and uncomfortable so they agreed they won't offer it again until I ask, but they keep pressing and pressing for me to ask and I just don't know how to get everyone to give me some space to work things out...
