faithful_father got a reaction from Jane_Doe in Need Urgent help. Brother in Law Probably is a Sociopath
Short Back story
This past week my little sister (LS) and brother in law (BIL) came over to visit with my wife and myself. In our visit, my BIL and LS disclosed to my wife and I many troubling things that give me trouble sleeping at night. After their message, they left our house and gave my wife and I hugs goodbye, but I was still processing all that they had shared with me. I was shocked. They all have to do with the life, trauma and disfunction of my BIL, and the awful situation I find myself in.
Here is a list of what I learned about my BIL during his "Pre-missionary" life
He was extremely sexually abused for many years, perhaps 10 years, perhaps more, when he was a child to young man, by this Step Father (SF), were are talking about multiple times being raped by his SF, and again this is my BIL we're talking about. Think about the worst case scenario, and that would be my BIL. Think Kevin Spacey. He has had past suicide attempts during his teenage years, which many scars from cuts on his arms from self mutilation. Again, think worst case scenario. He was extremely promiscuous as a teenager, pornography as well. When asked by my LS how many people BIL had slept with he could not give a number. My guess say it would be between 50 to 100. He had a DUI at 17, was addicted to drugs, tobacco and drinking. Overall, his childhood was awful and he or someone he knew thought it would be a good idea to go on a mission. OMGosh!!!! His Mission
He obviously lied to get on a mission. Was sent state side to a state in the east. While on his mission he had sex multiple times with a girl who was I'm not sure was, or was not a member. Apparently, he planned on marrying her after the mission, but that didn't happen because my lucky sister was duped instead (more on that later.) He finished his mission and came home "with honor", never disclosing what he had done. After his Mission
Moved out of his parents house, and left his home state and moved to the the community and singles ward that my sister lived in after his mission. Continued to be promiscuous after his mission, meeting girls at bars, smoking, drinking. Him and my LS then start dating, and she thinks he is the greatest guy, in the meantime he is cheating on her. He volunteered to be a temple worker during this time, at the same time having sex with women on the side. Wow... All of these facts were hid from my LS, my siblings, myself and my parents. My mother very much liked him and he comes across as a very "nice" person. Well mannered, agreeable, charming, etc. Married my Sister
He married my LS in July 2017. Obviously, he had not repented from any of this, and enter the temple unworthily and that wedding should have never happened. After about 3 months of marriage the "guilt" was too much for him, and he confessed what he had done as listed above to my LS. My sister decided to stay with him. I wish she would have divorced him on the spot. But she has her own problems (low self esteem, fear of unknown, etc.) His Disfellowshipment
After disclosing this to my sister, he meet with his Bishop, and something his Bishop told him was "In the five years that I have been doing this, you are the most wicked man that has ever sat in that chair." Amen. At his disciplinary council, the Stake President said "BIL the only reason you are not being excommunicated is because you wife (my LS) stood before them and asked them not to excommunicate him because she wanted to "preserve my sealing." Which ironically didn't matter anyway, because he went to the temple in the condition he did. The sealing was of no effect. But I digress... We was disfellowshipped for a total of 11 months. 3 months after my LS first found out about all the sins my BIL had done, they decided to get pregnant. They now have a 1 year old baby. On a personal note, I had been through a disfellowshipment of my own after my mission, only I was disfellowship for a long 2 years and what I did was NOTHING compared to what he did. I am shocked about how lenient they were with him! He was reinstated and blessed his child. And as far as I know is in full fellowship. Please help me answer these question.
1. Do you believe that he is a sociopath? (Hint: I do.)
2. Given you know about his childhood, sexual abuse, addictions, do you really believe that someone like that, who was so awful could change in a year after 11 months of disfellowshipment. (Hint: I don't) I do believe people can change, repent, and be forgiven, but I don't believe BIL had enough time to do that. I mean 11 months of disfellowshipment is nothing. I know of people who have been excommunicated for way less with at least a waiting period of 5 to 10 years before they would be reconsidered for re-baptism.
3. My parents do not know about any of this. I want to tell them so bad. If this was happening to my daughter I would be irate. Should I tell my parents about this?
4. I want to talk to my sister in a clam and diplomatic way to help her understand that she still might be getting duped by him. I don't believe someone with years of this behaving suddenly changes course after 1 year. When I asked BIL about had he had the intense therapy that is needed for his situation my LS responded "I am this therapist." AHH!!!
5. Follow up on #4. My sister has a very rigid and high expectation of pornography use. At our meeting, she said "BIL knows if he uses pornography even once that I am leaving him." She seemed very serious about that. So, my concern is that most people like BIL that have 10+ years of hard pornography use relapse all the time in following years. My concern is now that he knows where the goal posts are he will hide the times he does relapse. Thus building the guilt building up, which guilt will case him to re-enter the addiction cycles he "once" was in. I want to tell my sister that she might as well pack her bags.
6. I want to contact his old bishop (they have since moved wards) and stake president and ask them what the hell they were thinking to not tell her parents, and to not counsel her to leave him. So, should I contact their old bishop?
Thank you all for forthcoming comments. I will read them and consider them. I will check back in every 48 hours or so to answer any follow up questions. I am scared for my sister and I'm afraid she married a complete sociopath.
faithful_father got a reaction from Bri55 in Chastity
@Bri55 in my opinion french kissing is one of the signs that you're physically and emotionally connecting in your relationship. It's not bad per se as along as you don't allow it to be. If you have the spirit in your life then you have your answer.
President Kimball has said some stuff in his day that might just have been his opinion. Especially if it was written in the commercial book the Miracle of Forgiveness.
faithful_father reacted to Fether in Dating FAQ
You seem to be very spiritually mature and have confidence you will make the decision God is happy with.
You may not have gotten an answer because the Prophets have already given direction on this.
”this warning comes with great emphasis. Do not take the chance of dating nonmembers, or members who are untrained and faithless. A girl may say, ‘Oh I do not intend to marry this person. It is just a “fun” date.’ But one cannot afford to take a chance on falling in love with someone who may never accept the gospel” (https://www.lds.org/study/manual/eternal-marriage-student-manual/dating-standards)
This one is a great Q&A to read: https://www.lds.org/study/new-era/2001/07/q-and-a-questions-and-answers
Don’t marry someone that isn’t a member. And don’t ever marry with the hope that they will one day be a member. Though that does happen some times, more often than not (at least in my experience) it’s the church member that ends up leaving the church and following their spouse.
faithful_father got a reaction from unixknight in Eroding Friendships
I am politically moderate but would lean more conservative. Penny is toxic as are all SJW's. I don't know how calling people Nazi's is ever acceptable. I had an old high school friend once who called me a racist on facebook because I wanted to control illegal immigration. I told him to go F off because I had spent more time helping hispanics (via my mission) than he could ever understanding. He apologized and said "I didn't know..." in which I replied of course he didn't know and until he knows he should not throw around such an awful insult endless you have evidence of that claim. We aren't friends anymore because the SJW mindset is toxic and hateful in my experience. I have democratic friends who want to help the dispossessed, however SJW's are a no go.
Friends don't call friends Nazi's and racists without facts. I don't have people in my life like that.
faithful_father reacted to unixknight in Eroding Friendships
Thanks for all the input, guys.
At this point my regular group now consists of the grown-ups who act like grown-ups that I mentioned earlier. It's a shame, because I would have considered Penny's husband to be among those... and not just him. Another of these friends is married to a guy who is a lightning rod for discord in the group, and I'll miss having her in the games as well.
Neither Penny nor her husband has approached me for info regarding a game session for them, and I'm taking that as a sign of lack of interest. I don't doubt that they'd come if I invited them, but overall I don't really want to run two concurrent groups. To be honest, it wouldn't be the same anymore, anyway. My respect for Penny as a person has tanked, and my patience with the passive aggressive nature of the comments from the others has worn off in the wake of all of this.
As I said, I'd always dreaded the day politics caused a fracture in our group. I did what I could to prevent it and now, arguably, I'm the one who ultimately pulled the trigger... It's sad and it's painful but I refuse to take the blame. The only thing I wish I'd done differently was to pull the plug sooner. I could have saved myself a lot of stress.
faithful_father got a reaction from mrmarklin in Can women have a healthy relationship guy bestfriend and their boyfriend at the same time? Based on what happened yesterday, I would conclude NO
It's funny I only got to the beginning of the second paragraph before I had read enough.
Listen close. Dump her or endure pain.
From one bro to another there's a lot of fish in the sea.
faithful_father got a reaction from mdfxdb in I'm feeling hopeless, romance, love, it doesn't exist for me...
@without_you Wow, you laid it all out there. I commend you for giving it your all. I am going to offer up some thoughts I had and if you want further clarity be sure to ask.
You're short for a man. Studies have shown shorter men (men under 5'8") need to make at least $100,000 additional each year to make up for being short. Women do not prefer short men, and obviously there is nothing you can do to control that. You simply have to approach girls that are as tall or shorter than you. Don't approach girls taller than you as it's a 99% likelihood they won't be interested. One of the problems is you're at BYU. I know it might make sense that the sheer number of girls there means you have a greater probability of finding someone, but not so. You see, these girls have many options too. Most women are hypergamist. (look it up) and they are constantly look to "trade up". If you lived in the Midwest like I did where there are not as many YSA members, many girls would have scarcity in mind about men, because there are much less, and be more willingly to give you a shot via dating. You have abs? Trust me bro, you're in the 99% top of guys then because most guys don't even at have abs. Keep being fit. You said nothing about a mission. If you didn't go on a mission that's 75% of the girls out of your pool at BYU. They want a RM. Sorry that's just the way it is. Also, you may be ugly. Perhaps no one would tell you that because you have to have close friendship to get honest feedback. Studies show that biologically we are draw to symmetry and ratios in the human body. For example, men are draw to women with a 3 to 1 hip to waist ratio. A woman waist show be smaller than her hips. If the woman looks like a Pringles can, it's no bueno. Plastic surgery isn't a bad option but I would leave that as a last resort once you have left BYU. There are website where random people can rate your attractiveness, but it can be brutal, so be careful. Have hope though brother. There are tons of facially unfortunate looking men that have landed wives, and you can too! Get involved in intramural sports. Most women are vain, but women that play sports are typically better emotionally mature and more likely to be fit. Sports have a way of spending time together and having a mutually shared interest. The single biggest issue is your ability to make connection with other humans. Your parents were clearly neglectful in their rearing of you based on what you shared. I have 3 daughters and the single biggest goal for me in regards to them is to make sure they always know that I love them. Make sure you have a solid therapist and talk about this with a friend or bishop. Also tell your parents your feelings. Don't worry about how it will make them feel, but how it will make you feel. Don't white knight. Women are emotional experts and they can not connect with someone who can't articulate their feelings. This too, however, can be overcome. Dating is the hunger games, no doubt about it. It's brutal! That's why I'm so glad to be out of the game (married going on 9 years). But once you find her it will be all worth it.
Look bro, don't lose hope. Hope is the single biggest asset you have. You have depression, get the help you need. Practice gratitude to overcome discouragement. You live in the greatest country in the world with tons of opportunities. You will pull through but work through those constraints that I mentioned. And hopefully you can leave BYU and find more success outside the bubble.
faithful_father reacted to pam in What warrants a talk with my bishop, did i break the law of chastity?
If you are concerned enough to come ask a bunch of random people on the internet..then go talk to your Bishop. He's the one that has stewardship over you. End of discussion.
faithful_father reacted to WandererO in How to confess one time masturbation to Bishop
Sorry I took so long to get back to your question mnn2501. I've had AP exams for the past few weeks. 😅
It was Sooooo much better than I imagined it would be. My bishop was new and I didn't know him very well so I was very very nervous but he acted so kind and considerate I don't know what I was expecting because I should know that bishop's roles are to be like that. He spent a long time getting to know me before I told him anything which really helped my nerves and he even expressed to me his own "overwellmness" by all of the many bishops tasks and laughed about it.
He made me feel safe and comfortable and was very understanding when talking me through things. I felt the peace I wanted after it was over and I know I did the right thing.
Having this experience has really strengthened my testimony on the leaders of the church. It honestly was my first interaction with confessing to the bishop and I was going in relying on the extreme stories told to me by others and overthought the entire thing.
Thank you for all reassuring me. I will definitely know better next time to just trust and talk to my bishop.
faithful_father got a reaction from dprh in How do I tell someone I can't date due to temple worthiness?
My sister was interested in this guy in her YSA ward (non-Utah unit) and she asked him if he wanted to go on a date again. He told her, "Susan (changed name) I like you, but I'm really messed up." Perhaps the most honest answer he could have gave her. She appreciated the response since she just finished up her own repentance process.
Well there will be more guys that come along. Finish the repentance process then back in the hunt!
faithful_father reacted to Sunday21 in Attend the church after a divorce, with young daughter
Dear @B.cole2 So sorry to hear this! Sending love your way!
Got to say. Returned to church after my divorce. Never experienced the smallest crumb of criticism from ANYONE. Never. NOT EVER. Not a snicker. Not a frown. Not a sideways glance. Nothing. In a decade of attending church with a wide variety of people. Served in all kinds of positions: ward, stake, temple. US and Canada. I received total and complete acceptance from everyone without exception:male and female. Even those weird people from Utah (Just kidding! Total love ❤️). I was received with open arms by every living person even those who hate virtually everyone on the planet. Total love fest. Bishops, Stake Presidents and RS presidents accepted me unreservedly.
My ward by the way has the reputation for being cold, cliquish and full of backbiting and the least friendly ward in the stake! - maybe...not my experience! No one, not even the people who criticize everyone, ever criticized me for being divorced or for anything! Total and complete acceptance from every living soul!
faithful_father reacted to LiterateParakeet in Inspired to write a book, but how to deal with person's identities
First step, just write the book. There is a wonderful book called The War of Art where the author would tell you that what you are experiencing right now is called "resistance". Pondering details like this keeps you from the actual work of WRITING. Just get your "butt in the chair" and write the story. You can hash out how to deal with those details later. But generally speaking, you change the details enough so that her identity will not be readily recognizable, maybe change your age when it happened so to obscure her identity even more. Trust me, working out this detail is not the hard part....the hard part is doing the actual writing. A great place to get advice about writing and publishing is a writer's forum. My favorite is Absolute Write Water Cooler. Here's the link:
I also highly recommend the book, The War of Art. Best of luck with your project!
faithful_father reacted to unixknight in The LGBT stumbling block.
The problem is that our culture is drifting toward the idea that the only way to show compassion and love toward someone is to support every single thing they do. "Love the sinner, hate the sin" is an idea that people are forgetting in alarming numbers.
What makes it worse in the case of LGBT issues is that instead of someone's sexuality being an aspect of their personality, it's treated as the core of their being... so if you disapprove of homosexual behavior, our culture interprets that as hating the person himself/herself. "It's who I AM!!!!"
It's a completely illogical notion, but one that has taken in a LOT of people.