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About kiwigirl1

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  1. kiwigirl1

    I desperately need some advice :(

    Thank you.... you're completely right, just putting it into words really helped. In fact, I came back and re-read what I'd written... and it's like reading about a stranger - I can't believe I'm in this predicament. Moreover, I can't believe I'm still in this marriage. I think that's a really good idea to journal - I did that all those years ago... that journal carries a lot of pain and one day I planned on burning it. I started keeping a journal again recently but have always tried to keep it uplifting. But perhaps I need to start writing again about what's going on - even if just for my own benefit - and sanity. I appreciate you acknowledging my emotions.... sometimes I've considered the option that perhaps I'm overreacting - my husband has often said that if the shoe was on the other foot, and I had texted a guy I had had an emotional affair years ago with, he would just laugh it off. But he's also told me that if I had done what he did years ago - he wouldn't have stayed with me. But I truly appreciate your comments on this one... because you're right... my mind goes a million miles an hour... I need to just pause, and breathe. Thank you for noting this down - it's helped me more than you can ever know. It's hard to feel like I have control. Time to pause. And breathe. Ahhh this is something I'm REALLY struggling with right now. I was doing super well up to early December... when my husband and I had a chat after church one day, as he didn't seem happy. He just seemed really down and unhappy and almost angry (well not angry, but intolerant) all the time. I tried to push for answers then, but got none. Instead, I got told that I push us too hard with spiritual things (I am a big advocate for reading scriptures, praying every night - and personal development through books on Deseret Bookshop etc) - so yes I'm always mentioning things I'm learning and trying to open up discussions etc. But I never thought I was pushy....I lead but I didn't drive. It's just if I don't lead, it doesn't happen and it's imperative to me that our kids have this in the home (they are 14 and 15 yrs). But since that talk, it really made me second guess myself.... I stopped 'leading', backed off, read the odd thing myself... stopped reading and praying as that conversation really hurt me. I didn't understand then. I still don't. Perhaps all this that I have learned now was on his mind then..... who knows. So yes I'm active in the fact that we go to church... but we have no temple near us (it's 6 hours away), and it's closed for 3 years for refurbishment and making it earthquake proof - I think it's open in another 2 years (I'm down in New Zealand). But you bring up valid points - that I need to pray, that I need the Spirit with me.... but I'm really struggling with it because I feel so let down. I feel like I opened my heart again... and it's been trashed. Again. Yet, my husband seems to minimise his actions, and make me think that texting her last April is almost not a huge deal. I think I'm truly scared of letting go. For me, 18 years is extremely hard to let go of - even if a lot of it has been heartbreaking... because if I'm honest, that's how it's been. For 18 years he's been my future... my eternal companion. It's extremely hard to consider that changing. I think that's why I find it near impossible to let go. But yes I think I DO believe I deserve better... my husband has even said this to me.... but I guess what I'm waiting for is for him to BE that better person. I would love this to work out... but in order for it to work out, I need him to make some serious changes. And I just don't think that will happen - at least, not until it's too late. That makes me deeply sad. I think sometimes the best thing we can do is remove our presence from them... perhaps that's what I need to do - at least for now. Perhaps that will kickstart something within him. I just want to say @NeedleinA, thank you so very much for your time.... for your thoughts... for your kind words. It is uplifting in such an awful time. Sometimes we think we're going crazy when we're in situations like this.... I consider "am I overreacting".... but no... I don't think I am. I believe that if your eternal companion is hurting, then you should be there to help them, love them, support them... and make it right. I'm not getting that from my husband unfortunately. In fact, he told me today that he loves me and wants to be with me, but this is over. That the kindest thing he can do is let me go because I deserve better. I wanted HIM to be that 'better'... but I guess at this stage, that isn't going to happen. Again, thank you so much for bearing up a stranger in need at this time.... your words are more powerful than you might realise xo
  2. Hi everyone, I'm new here and just came across the forum in a Google search. I'm a convert (joined the church when I met my husband 18 years ago). I'm struggling with some issues and I have no idea who to talk to or where to turn. I wouldn't normally post this to strangers - it seems so random. But... I guess I'm desperate. I would love nothing more than to talk to my Dad - but he was killed some 18 years ago and I still miss him dearly. My husband and I were married in the temple, I held that very dear to me. In 2010/11 my husband had an emotional affair with a woman he met while playing out in his band. It was the hardest time of my life.... I had been his #1 fan, his supporter, and was deeply in love and full of faith in the connection, love and friendship we shared. He was never honest about what he did or was doing.... I found out only because of digging that I did because I "had a strong feeling". Something was off and I knew it. I eventually found out... and he lied over and over... denied things... then admitted them... he always wanted to "protect" me and not "hurt" me... hence the lies. Over 2011 and 2012 he would promise never to contact her again... then I'd find out he did... then we'd argue and he'd promise not to again. I got to the point where I was just emotionally DONE. It drained me... damn near killed me. It was the hardest time of my life. Ultimately, I forgave him and we moved forward with life.... it made me a stronger woman.... but it wasn't easy. Important to note, when this all happened, we were inactive at the time. So life has been great.... up till April 2019. I went to visit my family overseas for 2 weeks.... everything was great I thought... we had rebuilt our marriage, I trusted him, I loved him more than ever. I thought he loved me. In May 2019 ... I checked my business messages and saw there was a message from this woman he had an affair with YEARS ago. She sent me a screenshot and said "is this your husband?". She had sent this message the day after I had left for my trip in April (I just never saw it till May as it was a business I wasn't very involved in). The screenshot was a my husband who had done a 'wave' on Messenger to her! I couldn't believe it! This was the DAY I LEFT... that night. I confronted him about it (we're active again in church now so it must have a good explanation surely). He told me that yes he looked her up, he knew he shouldn't have... and that he accidentally tapped the wave button by accident. I found it hard to believe it was an accident! But... I believed him. I questioned him more over the next few days - why was he looking her up? (He claims he wanted to see if he still had her blocked) etc. Why not tell me if it was so innocent? I just found it all really unsettling. I asked if he had anything else I should know about. No, he insisted... just that and it was a mistake. A week later.... this woman messaged and asked if I was ok.... I said sure, and that he had just accidentally sent her a wave, and hadn't meant to.... she replied .... "um, no... he sent more than that"... and sent me a screenshot. It said 'Hey [insert his nickname for her!], hope all is going well for you'. He had used the nickname he gave her (he wrote a song about her when this all went down years ago and that was the title of the song).... I was floored!! I was gutted. I was devastated. How could he... after all these years, message her THAT, let alone message her at all!! Let alone the NIGHT I HAD LEFT!!! He was extremely ashamed when he realised I had found out the truth. Bottom line is that this guy has never been honest and open with me - only AFTER he's been found out. Since that time I've been biding my time and just thinking about things. I cannot accept this.... I cannot accept that there's not more to this in his heart. We've spent the past few days away on holiday... we happened to drive through and stay in the same town this woman lives in. I have pushed and pushed for us to talk and open up... and finally yesterday, he admitted he has feelings for her. He admitted it would be nice to see her. I said to him... look, I think you need closure... I think you should text her and go meet with her. I know, I must be freaking CRAZY to say that right?!! I actually thought he might say no babe, I don't want to meet with her! But nope... he found her number and texted her asking to meet!!!!!! I was stunned - yes, probably my own fault. She never replied, and they never met up. But now... what do I do with this? He says he wants me, she's not his type (she's not a member), he says he would die if he lost me. But .... in my eyes, his actions betray his words! I don't know what's true. I've done my best... I've been a supportive, loyal and loving wife. But I'm at the point where I want more than what I have been given. I'm disappointed, I'm disillusioned, I feel like I've given SO MUCH to this marriage of now 18 years.... yet I've gotten absolute crap in return. The hardest part is - I love him. I know that no-one can tell me what to do. I know that. I don't even know what my question is here. I'm scared to let go of this. But I know that I deserve so much more. Nothing changes the fact that he has feelings for another woman and HE wants us to just carry on like normal! I don't know what to do. I feel lost... I feel alone... and I have NO-ONE that I can talk to about all this. It's overwhelming and my heart hurts. He claims his feelings for her are nothing compared to what he feels for me (but this is what he does - when consequences come, he backpeddles and makes things not sound so bad).... I just feel completely messed up and I don't know where to go from here.... :(