kiwigirl1

Thank you.... you're completely right, just putting it into words really helped. In fact, I came back and re-read what I'd written...  and it's like reading about a stranger - I can't believe I'm in this predicament. Moreover, I can't believe I'm still in this marriage. I think that's a really good idea to journal - I did that all those years ago... that journal carries a lot of pain and one day I planned on burning it. I started keeping a journal again recently but have always tried to keep it uplifting. But perhaps I need to start writing again about what's going on - even if just for my own benefit - and sanity.
I appreciate you acknowledging my emotions.... sometimes I've considered the option that perhaps I'm overreacting - my husband has often said that if the shoe was on the other foot, and I had texted a guy I had had an emotional affair years ago with, he would just laugh it off. But he's also told me that if I had done what he did years ago - he wouldn't have stayed with me. But I truly appreciate your comments on this one... because you're right... my mind goes a million miles an hour... I need to just pause, and breathe. Thank you for noting this down - it's helped me more than you can ever know. It's hard to feel like I have control. Time to pause. And breathe. 
Ahhh this is something I'm REALLY struggling with right now. I was doing super well up to early December...  when my husband and I had a chat after church one day, as he didn't seem happy. He just seemed really down and unhappy and almost angry (well not angry, but intolerant) all the time. I tried to push for answers then, but got none. Instead, I got told that I push us too hard with spiritual things (I am a big advocate for reading scriptures, praying every night  - and personal development through books on Deseret Bookshop etc) - so yes I'm always mentioning things I'm learning and trying to open up discussions etc. But I never thought I was pushy....I lead but I didn't drive. It's just if I don't lead, it doesn't happen and it's imperative to me that our kids have this in the home (they are 14 and 15 yrs). But since that talk, it really made me second guess myself....  I stopped 'leading', backed off, read the odd thing myself... stopped reading and praying as that conversation really hurt me. I didn't understand then. I still don't. Perhaps all this that I have learned now was on his mind then..... who knows. So yes I'm active in the fact that we go to church... but we have no temple near us (it's 6 hours away), and it's closed for 3 years for refurbishment and making it earthquake proof - I think it's open in another 2 years (I'm down in New Zealand). But you bring up valid points - that I need to pray, that I need the Spirit with me....  but I'm really struggling with it because I feel so let down. I feel like I opened my heart again... and it's been trashed. Again. Yet, my husband seems to minimise his actions, and make me think that texting her last April is almost not a huge deal. 
I think I'm truly scared of letting go. For me, 18 years is extremely hard to let go of - even if a lot of it has been heartbreaking... because if I'm honest, that's how it's been. For 18 years he's been my future... my eternal companion. It's extremely hard to consider that changing. I think that's why I find it near impossible to let go. But yes I think I DO believe I deserve better... my husband has even said this to me.... but I guess what I'm waiting for is for him to BE that better person. 
I would love this to work out... but in order for it to work out, I need him to make some serious changes. And I just don't think that will happen - at least, not until it's too late. That makes me deeply sad. I think sometimes the best thing we can do is remove our presence from them... perhaps that's what I need to do - at least for now. Perhaps that will kickstart something within him. 
 
I just want to say @NeedleinA, thank you so very much for your time.... for your thoughts... for your kind words. It is uplifting in such an awful time. Sometimes we think we're going crazy when we're in situations like this.... I consider "am I overreacting".... but no... I don't think I am. I believe that if your eternal companion is hurting, then you should be there to help them, love them, support them... and make it right. I'm not getting that from my husband unfortunately. In fact, he told me today that he loves me and wants to be with me, but this is over. That the kindest thing he can do is let me go because I deserve better.  I wanted HIM to be that 'better'... but I guess at this stage, that isn't going to happen. Again, thank you so much for bearing up a stranger in need at this time.... your words are more powerful than you might realise xo