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Female GIs struggle with higher rate of divorce AP – Staff Sgt. Robin Duncan-Chisolm gets a hug from her son Seth in Upper Marlboro, Md., on Monday, March … .By KIMBERLY HEFLING, Associated Press Kimberly Hefling, WASHINGTON – Two failed marriages were the cost of war for Sgt. Jennifer Schobey. The breaking point in her first marriage came when her husband deployed to Afghanistan, the last in a long line of separations they had endured as they juggled two military careers. Schobey married another combat veteran, but eventually that union failed under the weight of two cases of post-traumatic stress disorder — his and hers. They are now getting divorced. Separations. Injuries. Mental health issues. All are added weights to the normal strains of marriage. For women in the military, there's a cold, hard reality: Their marriages are more than twice as likely to end in divorce as those of their male comrades — and up to three times as likely for enlisted women. And military women get divorced at higher rates than their peers outside the military, while military men divorce at lower rates than their civilian peers. About 220,000 women have served in Afghanistan and Iraq in roles ranging from helicopter pilots to police officers. Last year, 7.8 percent of women in the military got a divorce, compared with 3 percent of military men, according to Pentagon statistics. Among the military's enlisted corps, nearly 9 percent of women saw their marriages end, compared with a little more than 3 percent of the men. Like all divorces, the results can be a sense of loss and a financial blow. But for military women, a divorce can be a breaking point — even putting them at greater risk for homelessness down the road. It has an effect, too, on military kids. The military has more single moms than dads, and an estimated 30,000 of them have deployed in support of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Why military women are more burdened by divorce is unclear, although societal pressure is likely a factor. "It's a strange situation, where there's a fair amount of equality in terms of their military roles, but as the military increasingly treats women the same as it treats men in terms of their work expectations, however, society still expects them to fulfill their family roles. And that's not equally balanced between men and women," said David Segal, director of the Center for Research on Military Organization at the University of Maryland. One speculation is that while more traditional men join the military, women who are attracted to military life are less conventional — and perhaps less willing to stay in a bad marriage. About half of all married women in the military are married to a fellow service member, compared with less than 10 percent of military men. While it can be an advantage to be married to someone who understands military life, balancing two military careers poses challenges. Former Army Sgt. Daniela Gibson, an Afghan war veteran, knows that first-hand. Gibson, 24, spent more than four years apart from her military husband and thousands of dollars on long-distance phone calls as they each did war deployments, training and moves. She said it's tough to not feel insecure about your own marriage as you watch others falling apart around you and see fellow service members cheating on their spouses, which she says is all too frequent during deployments. "Even just rumors of cheating can really affect you," Gibson said. Gibson left the military after she got pregnant. She's now raising their 1-year-old in Mannheim, Germany, while her husband continues his military career. Fortunately, she said, they were able to make their marriage work. "It was really hard. . We've gone through a lot of difficult points in the relationship and sometimes we weren't even sure how it was going to end up. But at the end I think it made us closer because it kind of made us prove to ourselves how much we wanted it," Gibson said. "We weren't about to just give up." Female service members married to civilians face their own challenges. The rate of divorce among military women is higher for those married to civilians, said Benjamin Karney, a psychology professor at UCLA who studied the issue for the Rand Corp. Research has found that the husbands of female service members were less likely to be employed than military wives. "You've got to look at the realities of what military life is like on the family, and it really is kind of set up around a traditional married model of a husband and a wife that runs the house, if you will," said Kimberly Olson, a retired Air Force colonel who is executive director of Grace After Fire, a support organization for female veterans. Olson said many female warriors don't get the support and space they need after war service to transition back to their roles as wives and mothers. "The expectation that you can just turn that emotion back on like a light switch just because you walk off the airplane and they got signs and balloons and your baby runs to you, it is not very realistic," Olson said. "It takes a while to get back into that tender, loving woman that's a mother. And if you're married, that tender loving woman that's the wife. And of course, a lot of people demand a lot of things from women, because we kind of have a bad habit of taking care of everybody else first and ourselves last," she said. When divorce does happen, it only adds to the stress faced by an already stressed-out population. Staff Sgt. Robin D. Duncan-Chisolm, 47, of Landover, Md., was deployed to Iraq last year with the District of Columbia National Guard while she was getting a divorce. She said she worried the entire time that she'd lose custody of her teenage son or lose the house that she and her husband had shared. "I was able to smile ... but inside I had a lot of turmoil I needed to have resolved, things I needed to bring closure to," Duncan-Chisolm said. She credits her friendships and support in the Guard with helping her get through the divorce. She and her son were able to take advantage of support programs offered through the Guard's "Yellow Ribbon Reintegration Program" to help with her transition home. "If you don't have anybody to talk to and anybody to turn to, sometimes it gets a little difficult, and I'm glad I had that system in place," Duncan-Chisolm said. Former Army Sgt. 1st Class Tashawnya McCullough, 38, said she didn't have that support when she returned from Iraq in 2004 to where she was stationed in Germany. Divorced at the time from a service member she says cheated on her, lonely and struggling with her combat experience, she turned to alcohol. It took two months for her to get her girls, then ages 4 and 11, from the United States, where one lived with her ex-husband and the other with friends. "My home was so quiet it drove me nuts, and I was by myself. It really affected me horribly. I was not doing well," McCullough said. "I was just trying to not feel or think about anything. I had a really hard time with drinking." McCullough eventually got help for her drinking, remarried and found work in Texas with Grace After Fire helping other female veterans. Each of the military services today offers a variety of programs focused on strengthening or enriching marriage. The Army, for example, offers a program called "Strong Bonds," which provides relationship help to married couples as well as single soldiers and "resiliency" classes for spouses of both sexes. Despite these efforts, Christina Roof, national acting legislative director of AMVETS, said there are not enough programs specifically targeting divorce among female service members. She said some husbands just don't feel comfortable being surrounded by wives as part of military family support programs, but they need to be educated about issues their wives may face when they return from war. "I think that stress of a woman coming home ... and the man having no real training of someone sitting down and saying this is what it might be like when your wife gets back, that's just a recipe for disaster," Roof said. Genevieve Chase, a staff sergeant in the Army Reserves who founded American Women Veterans, said she hears complaints from female service members who say how hard it is for their civilian husbands to understand what they do and feel accepted. If the husband has served and leaves the military to support the woman's military career, she said he endures constant remarks from others. "Unfortunately, male military spouses don't get any credit or recognition," Chase said. Schobey said she's proud to serve in the military but it's not always easy on the service member — or the service member's spouse. "I think a big issue, or something a lot of couples have to work through is the fact that at any time we can get that phone call ... you're deploying again, or for me, here's some orders, you're moving to another state," Schobey said. "Then, you're uprooting your entire family and you're moving. Your spouse is expected to be supporting you, but that's not always the case, obviously. For two times now, that's not the case for me." _____ Online: American Women Veterans: American Women Veterans - Advancing and preserving the legacy of women in service to our nation Grace After Fire: Grace After Fire Army Strong Bonds: Welcome to Strong Bonds :: Building Ready Families Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America: Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America AMVETS: Welcome to AMVETS - The Official Web site of AMVETS National Headquarters

my husband and i have been married almost a year now. he was sealed to his first wife but i wasnt sealed to my first husband. his ex is completely crazy, involved in drug use and distribution, is sexually active with multiple people she wasnt married to, drinks & smokes, has been convicted of child abuse and neglect and, no big surprise, became completely inactive. but before she dove into the crazy pool, she had 3 wonderful kiddos with my husband. (all of which i am raising full time since we have full custody and she only gets limited and supervised visitation) my husband is seaking a cancellation at my request because i cringe at the idea of being with her in eternity. i am a convert of 2 years now and i know i dont have all the answers, so if this is wrong, please educate me! is it wrong of me to not want to be sealed to him while he is sealed to her? and what are the chances they wont grant the cancellation? his ex is also severly ill. (lupus that has lead to kidney and heart failure and diabetes apparently) i feel so torn on the issue! i desperately want to be sealed to my husband, but the questions about his ex are overwhelming me. what if she gets her act together and we are both sealed to him? is there some way she could work out her salvation after death? as in...if she dies living the way she is now and still sealed to my husband, could she somehow work out her awful choices on earth and become worthy to enter the celestial kingdom? therefore ending up with us in eternity? i am kinda banking on, if we are only granted a clearance and they wont grant a cancellation of his sealing to her, her not living worthily to enter the celestial kingdom. nut can she reverse that after she dies? i am soooo confused! and all my bishop and husband can say is "have faith. there is order in heaven and Heavenly Father is just." but i know the verses about that which is bound on earth shall be bound in heaven. how do i take the words of men over the scriptures?

I am going to keep this short; please keep your advice to my specific questions. My temple marriage of 25 years is on the rocks. Why isn't relevant, though some hints lie within. In the past two years, I have suggested to my wife several times that we get marriage counseling. My wife has vehemently rejected this every time. I recently brought this up again and suggested that she pick the marriage counselor. She said that she's afraid that I'm not going to get out of what I think I am. I said that's fine, it's still worth a try. She said no. After ten years of inactivity for me and eight for my wife, she has returned to church (I'm fine with that.) I've wondered if using LDS social services marriage counseling will make her feel more at ease. At the same time I fear that I'm not going to be given close to a fair shake, which is fine up to a point where it becomes "blame the inactive husband" or resorts to "listen to Lord" and "feel the spirit." Been there, tried that. We have deep problems that go back 25 years and aren't going to resolved with cliches. FYI, we life in Utah County. My questions are: 1) How good is LDS social services marriage counseling? 2) How objective are they? 3) Is everything approached from a gospel standpoint or a neutral standpoint? 4) If this is advisable, can I get a referral from the bishop even though I'm inactive, but my wife isn't? 4a) If the answer is no, should I talk to the bishop anyway in hopes that he'll talk to my wife?

(I'm not seeking advice for me personally, moderators, so feel free to move this thread if you feel it belongs somewhere else. As it is an issue specific to marriage/divorce, I thought this was a good place to put this question.) Many of us have seen the following quote from President Kimball: As a scientist, I look at this assertion and say, "this needs some supporting data to back it up," and Pres. Kimball alludes to the existence of such data. My question is -- does anyone know if the data supporting this assertion was ever published/made available to the public? Is it based on data the church collected or was it based on data the church found publicly available? I think my interest in this question is to further explore how, "they did not get along sexually." Can you break these causes into different categories? As examples: mismatched libido, coercive/abusive, unhealthy attitudes, or whatever the data might show.

This isn't a question about who should be sealed to a baby that passed away. But more of a moral obligation question. My dad and my mom divorced around 25 years ago. They had several children, but one baby (middle child) died at only 4 months old. After their divorce, they both remarried but only recently were sealed to their spouses. My parents had a very hard divorce and can barely stand to be near each other... they don't talk even at family events. They are not only still anger with one another, I think they are a bit bitter. My sibling are now deciding who to be sealed to. I just heard that my oldest brother is going to be sealed to my dad next week along with my brother that passed away as a baby. My older brother hasn't had the courage to tell my mom but that is for him to decide. But my mom also doesn't know about my other brother that died being sealed to my dad. In the past, my mom has said to me in private that she doesn't care who he is sealed to as long as he is sealed to one of them. The problem is... my dad hasn't told my mom that he is going to have my brother that died sealed to him. I don't want to tell my mom because it will crush her and she will be angry. Do I call my dad and ask him to tell her or do I stay out of it? I don't want to get in the middle but I don't want my mom to get hurt yet again.

I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now, and we have talked about marriage in our future. We both want to take it slow though since we both have been divorced previously. I don't want to marry him until he gets his debts tied to his ex paid off. Now, we are talking over 30,000 in debt still combined from a foreclosed house credit line and a student loan in both of their names. They just started agreeing to make a payment plan for both, but it looks like it could take centuries to pay off since its not huge sums of money going out. I am afraid that if we were to get married...we would just argue about his ex and their debt...I also don't want them coming after me if she's not paying; since they want the money from somewhere. What can he do!? Am I asking too much or being a financial snob? This is a sore spot in our relationship since he constantly has to be in contact with his ex about all this debt. Grrr Let me know your thoughts...I want to hear them!

Here's my background: Married at 19 in the temple to my exhusband. That night he brought pornography into the relationship, and demanded sex constantly. Hide his pornography problem on and off for four years. Decided he didn't believe in God, and stopped going to church...abused my verbally and sexually. I decided to leave him at 23 and divorced him over a year and a half ago. Now, to put it mildly, I am pretty traumatized about the whole marriage experience and have severe trust issues with men. I have been dating a wonderful, supportive man in the church for about nine months. We have talked about marriage (he is divorced as well), but I can't help but think that all guys' are addicted porn and will cheat on me. I am really trying to trust him, and want to be married to him! I just don't know how I can stop making myself think he will treat me bad as well once the ring is on the finger! Always being hypersensitive about it being and issue and checking for signs that aren't even there. Help! (

Hello LDS Forum, This is my first time posting on this site; so hopefully you can give me some advice on the Sealing Cancellation topic. I was previously married to my Ex-Wife for five years and have been divorced from her mutually since June 08'. She recently called me this weekend to give me a head's up that my Bishop would be contacting me with her wishes to get our Sealing Cancelled. Now, I don't have one issue with this; as I am not in love with her, and have found a new sweetie that we have been dating for a year. The problem I have is that at the end of our marriage she was talking to another man online that she knew growing up for her hometown. She would lock herself in our bedroom and talk to this person on the phone for hours, and would send emails everyday "as friends". Well, let's just say that three weeks before we were officially divorced she already had her wedding dress picked out to marry the man she was talking to on the phone. Then, was married to him immediately after our divorce in her Bishop's office. I found out later she was talking to him for months after I tried to go to counseling with her, but we just couldn't make it work. My question is how do I write a response letter to the First Presidency when I receive hers that would depict her lack of taking our temple vows seriously and having an emotional affair with a man clear across the country while still being married. I plan on marrying my sweetie in a few years, and want to not be sealed to that wretched woman. Should I bring all this up in the letter, and make the point to say I want it cancelled just as much!? What will her letter say? I hope all this makes sense, but I don't want to come across as bitter/that I still love her. Since I do NOT! :)

Well, Missingsomething has finally gotten brave enough to face the answered prayers she has received for months. My husband, whom I still care for and do not hate, and I have decided to divorce. For now, its nice - and I hope we can keep it that way. We have a relationship of mistakes, resentments, and finally grew so far apart. I have prayed about this extensively and will be in the temple this Saturday. I have received confirmation over and over that I have made the right decision and this is the course I need to be on. As many of you know - he is not a member. That however is not the reason we are parting. However, when I got a blessing on Sunday from the Stake pres... he gave me the "the church doesnt ever support divorce....you never give up on someone"... then stopped and said.... but I trust in you to make the right decision, as you have entered this decision after a year of humble prayer. I have had many many more affirmations. But yet, I dont want to face my bishop - he has told another lady in the ward (whos husband is not a member and is having an affair) that she will need to repent if she leaves her husband. His views are very black and white on this. Ive been here - feeling the need to get divorced for years....but I finally changed and said to god... instead of "please change my heart"... to "let me be strong enough for your will". I am a private person and have not ever yielded to the desire to purge my "dirty laundry" here. But many of you have gotten to know me... some know the mask I wear.... and others -well, if I dont seem myself... its because i no longer have to pretend that Im great and Im good. So, just hang with me while I work through this - pray for me and my beautiful girls, and my good husband.

In an effort to stop the hijacking of threads in which people are seeking advice on divorce or similar issues I am opening this thread in an attempt to begin a discussion on the ramifications of divorce, or rather "The official stance of the church regarding getting a divorce and what comes after". To begin this discussion I would like to start by saying that I am currently NOT in a situation where I would consider divorce. However I do know many people who are going or have gone through a divorce. Some of these people have been sealed in the temple and some of them have not. From my understanding as long as there is a justified reason behind the divorce (which reason would need to be prayed about and taken to the Lord before deciding on divorce) an LDS couple can get a divorce and have their sealing broken. At this point they can remarry and be sealed to a different spouse. This is not encouraged by the LDS church, but it is something that is allowed.

I have been searching for some answers to some situations I have. I have yet to find those answers. I find all the information I need on what to do to keep your families together forever.... however.... there are more than one person in a family and it takes effort on all parts to be righteous and worthy. Here is the situation... I'm 18 and about four years ago my parents got divorced for a couple of reasons. My dad is still active in the church and attending. However my mother is taking steps in becoming a cathloic. She says its what she needs now, its simpler and she can focus on Christ. She often makes comments that her parents (my grandparents who are both active members) tell her she won't have her kids again in post mortal existance.... That fear is what kept her pressing on in a failing marrige till finally it just wouldn't work any longer and mistakes were made. Here are some questions.... and I would love some links or references to resources Will our family still be together if my mom is no longer and active and devout member? If all my sunday school and seminary is coming back right, then (and I hate saying it like this but hypethetically) if the rest of my family is *righteous* and makes it to the highest kingdom, we can vist my mother in the lower kingdoms correct? I just don't like the idea of never seeing my mother again. She isn't a bad person, she believes in Christ, etc. she just isn't a mormon any longer. Will it still be my biological mother and father that are my parents in the next life or if my father remarries will it be another? I know a women can only be sealed to one man correct? How does all this work.... Anyways, I would really appreciate some help here....

Hi, Ok, so I guess this is more of a question than a statement. So here's the deal. My fiancee was previously married and sealed in the temple. He is currently going through the legal divorce but how do you divorce someone from the temple for etirnity. Neither of us really want to spend etirnity with his ex-wife.. but we don't know how to go about a divorce from the temple. We're due to get married this Summer shortly after the legal divorce has come through. But we'd like to get the latter sorted as soon as possible as well. Any advice, suggestions, information would be greatly recieved. Thanks Chelsea-Marie x

One of the most attractive LDS distinctive doctrines is that of Eternal Marriage. I even had a poster visit my page (who is this pentecostal prisonchaplain at LDS.net anyway???), and that was the first question I was asked about...you do believe families are forever, don't you? Most of you know that the rest of the Christian world, with a few anecdotal exceptions, does not believe that marriage relationships continue in the same manner, into eternity. Yes we will know each other, love each other, and treasure our relationships. But, no, we'll not continue as exclusive family units who reserve out best love and greatest allegiance only to our kin. For strong families with deep love, the doctrine of Eternal Marriage is undeniably appealing. Of course I want to spend eternity with the woman I love, and to have the undying allegiance of my kin, and the neverending mentorship of my parents. But, what of celibates? What of those who have been given the gift of celibacy? They sometimes dedicate their lives to difficult missions, and they serve the church with undivided focus. And, what of homosexuals who are able to remain faithful to the law of chasity, through celibacy, but who do not receive from God the desire for those of the opposite gender. Secular studies in this area remain sparse, but a recent Christian Today article suggests that those homosexuals who submit to faith-based "rehabilitation," have fair success at leaving "the lifestyle," (perhaps 40%+ success), and poor success at learning attraction to the opposite sex (low to mid-teens %, if I recall correctly). My guess is that the secular world would consider that report optimistic. I know...I know...more opportunities in the life to come. All of us believe that the life to come will indeed hold no disappointments. So, considering the high number of divorces, the highly publicized homosexual dilemma, and the persistent subculture of those who simply never marry, imho the promise of Eternal Marriage, for many, is no more promising than the traditional Christian promise of an eternity where the love we now experience will be so much greater, and the conventions of marriage, so essential here, will become completely superfluous. THOUGHTS?

Hi! I hope someone may have some advice from experience that may help me. I have been married to an ex-member for over 6 years. (He was ex-communicated before we met). We have been separated for almost a year now and as things are now, there isn't much hope of a reconciliation. We have one child together, our son, who is 4. After a very difficult marriage, and my inactivity for several years, I have become active once again. I feel strongly that if my husband could turn to Heavenly Father, that our marriage could be saved, but the likelyhood of that happening is slim to none. Neither one of us has the means to get a divorce and really, neither one of us is pursuing that yet. And one other important piece of information--his parents(my son's grandparents) are Temple worthy and recommend holders and are faithful and support me wholeheartedly in raising my son in the Church. So my question is this: I have felt the Spirit instill in me the need to be sealed to our son. So I'm working on my personal worthiness. But my mother-in-law once mentioned that when the father isn't available (ie my husband) that the sealing can occur through the father's line. I believe that she was saying that I could be sealed to them, and our son to me. But I'm not sure of that. Any advice? Any comments? Is there any way at all I can be sealed to my son in the event that I get divorced, without re-marrying? I don't really want to seal my son to another man. Is there a way to get sealed to him without my husband, before a divorce becomes a reality? This keeps me up at night.