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Hi all, first time ever on here. Just ... needing some LDS-based support on this one, as our views on family have just become so different from the worlds'... Here's the thing: my husband and I have 2 beautiful children, a boy and a girl. They are little handfuls; full of life, crazy energy, smart little boogers. I know I should be grateful for what I have, and I am. But I know I'm not done. I have always, always wanted more than two. Ideally, 4 seems perfect to me, and I have always said this. And more than that, our family simply does not feel complete. But my husband? He has absolutely no desire to have more. We've discussed it a few times already, but for some reason this weekend it's really hitting home: We will not have any more. I spent all list night crying about it, and even now I cannot stop the tears. But he is unmoving. Just this morning he said to me "I know the thought of not having more makes you feel sad, but for me.. I just feel relieved." He doesn't feel capable of having more and is just not open to it. As much as he genuinely loves our son and daughter, he does not enjoy small children. He cringes at the though of more babies. And while I have joy in the two already here, I still find myself heartbroken and grieving. And it's only getting worse with time. I will continue to pray for comfort, for a way to cope and find happiness. I will do my best to have faith that all will be well. And I will try my best not to goad him, harass him about it, or coerce him into having children he doesn't want. But how can I have any hope when my husband feels this way? If this is how things are now, what's the point in hoping for anything different in the next life? How can I cope with the possibility of my eternal family being limited to what it is now? I just... need to talk about it I guess. Is anyone else facing this, or has faced it? Please, share your experiences, thoughts and feelings with me.
I'm sorry in advance if I say something wrong in this post. I've been a member since I was 11 years old in 1991 and a suicide griever since February 3, 2008. A good friend I'd known since I was about thirteen chose to cross the Veil at his own hand that day. :tears: My family and our bishop keep saying "you can only do temple work for your family" but this friend of mine was a young non-member named Will. His family set this site up for him, it has his picture on it: Will Jones Memorial I loved him (I still do) and I never got the chance to tell him! Maybe I could have saved him. . . He killed me too. :tears: Also, I didn't know anything about it until September 11 thanks to a series of "TRICKLE-DOWN" E-MAILS (as I call it) bounced between his mom, my dad and then it "just happened" to come to me: The first e-mail came from my father to me, 8-15-08: His exact words were: 1: "I heard from Rosie for the first time in a year. She needs someone to talk to. 'I lost my son earlier this year. He committed suicide this past Feb. I have had a hard time with it. Your friend-ship would be appreciated. Rosie' She loves you drop her a line dad." -------------------------------- I didn't see a name, so I automatically thought it was Rosie's other son, James. I didn't want it to have been James; I just didn't think my friend had done it. I'd forgotten most of the message because I'd had a seizure that day, but I remembered my 'father's' section of the message: 'she needs someone to talk to'. I send Will's mother a reply: 2: Hi, Rosie. Sorry I haven't been in touch in so long. We've been closing down the store. I got an e-mail from dad; he mentioned you needed someone to talk to? My end's always open. -------------------------------- Her next mail to me comes 8-21-08 at 11:29 pm: 3: Hi, I have been really down this year. I don't talk to your dad anymore except rarely, and a couple weeks ago when I was espically down I e-mailed him of that fact. He wrote me back that he was sorry that I was having a hard time and that is probably why he wrote you. I don't want to burden you with my problems, you have enough of your own. I'm sorry to be so gloomy. I love you, Rosie -------------------------------- I send a fast reply back the next morning at 9:22 am: 4: It's understandable. If it'll help at all I'll be praying for you. Hugs, Kelly -------------------------------- The next message I get from Rosie on 9-11-08 at 9:10 pm hit me like a knife; I read that e-mail and it literally felt like I'd been stabbed through the heart: 5: hey baby, I just talked to your grandmother. She told me your dad told ya'll about Will. I didn't know how to tell you. I hope you aren't mad at me. Any questions you want answered, just ask. I miss him so much. It has been really hard for me. I love you. Rosie -------------------------------- I'm in shock; I send her back a fast reply at 9:29: 6: I'm not mad at you, Rosie. Dad didn't tell me any details or names, he just said that something had happened. I didn't know it was Will until your e-mail tonight. I'm so sorry. What happened? -------------------------------- Her next e-mail to me at 10:04 pm was another knife: 7: Will felt like he couldn't live in this life anymore. He took his own life. He had been troubled for a long time. He is at peace now. If you have any questions you think I can answer, just ask. This has just about killed me, but I am doing better lately. I want to live for my James and April and my little grand-daughter, Austin. I love her with all my heart. I think Will wants me to get better to be a good grandmother for her. Love, Rosie -------------------------------- I send her a fast, stupid reply at 11:42 before I just lose it completely, start screaming and crying and can't stop: 8: I have a lot of questions and I don't know where to start. -------------------------------- Her next mail to me the next day starts off like this: 9: Ask me what questions you need to. I don't have all the answers but I will do my best for you. I have a lot of depression, I go up and down, half the week I'm up and half the week I'm down. WHY?! My family keeps saying really cold and insensitive things about Will's memory (Mom's a member of the Church, Grandma isn't) and I can't stand it anymore: "The boy was nothing to you" "Maybe this'll make his mother straighten up" "You need to get over it" They don't care about my feelings or me, just about the health insurance I'm bringing in. STUPID Medicaid. I wasn't there to help my friend. . . . I'm seriously thinking about going home myself February 3 of next year: There's a railway line that runs north to south through Melbourne FL near our ward building; our ward building's west of the railway. All I have to do is walk to the tracks, wait until a train's coming through, then just not move out of the way and let it finish the job. My family can take care of my insurance policy afterward. But at the same time I don't want to dump that job on someone else and have them stuck with the burden of sending me across the veil. I don't pray for help for myself or usually ask for prayers for myself but I'm hurting more than words can express and I don't know what to do. :tears: :tears: I'm sorry if I got on a rant. I didn't mean to. If this post is just in the way can someone delete it please?
My husband recently confided in me that he was sexually abused as a very young child. Having young children myself, this obviously breaks my heart. He repressed memories his whole life from the time the event happened to just recently, in the last couple of years, when something triggered his terrible memories and they resurfaced. He has had a life of ups and downs but, in general, since we've been married (7 years), we have been a normal, happy, LDS family. In telling me about these horrible events from his childhood, and in an effort to be totally honest with me, he also confided in me that he struggles with a need to seek approval and attention from women, as a result of his abuse. Because of this, he shared with me that a couple of years ago, he made a mistake and kissed another woman at a student business conference while he was still in college. It happened right after these terrible memories from his childhood resurfaced and he said it was a very low time for him. This is obviously heart wrenching for me and very difficult to hear, but I appreciated him coming clean to me. He has been seeing a (non-LDS) therapist for about two years, and I haven't seen any improvement in how he feels about himself or his life. He says that he feels that his life has been full of mistakes and disappointing people, and that there's a deep empty dark hole inside of him that only gets bigger with time. I am unsure what to do or how I am supposed to feel. I have gone through the wide range of emotions, from shock, to sadness, to grief, to sympathy, to worry, to anger, etc. I love him so much and don't want our marriage to end, but he admitted to me that he can't guarantee it won't happen again, and doesn't feel as if he can be "fixed" or happy again. His testimony has obviously taken a hit from all of this, and while mine is strong, I feel like I can't MAKE him repent, or talk to the bishop. I think it is overwhelming to him to think about opening up to someone else since there is so much to share and most of it is pretty heartbreaking. I honestly can't tell if I have felt comforted from all of the praying and fasting I have been doing, or just numb from all of the emotions I am going through. Does anyone have any advice for me? What my role is in all of this? I go between feeling bad for myself and the grief that he has caused me, to really feeling for him, because I know his heart and his intentions, and he truly is a wonderful husband and father. He has just struggled these last couple of years. We are active at church, but I truly believe he is just going through the emotions to keep me happy and keep our family together. I feel like I need help. I don't know where to turn. Thanks in advance for any help or advice you can give me. Has anyone else been through anything similar? Is there hope for us?
Are there any sisters who have married a widower and can advise me about involvement with a widower? Or any widowers who are happily remarried? How long does a man take to move forward? I understand everyone heals at their own pace and that there's no way to predict about individual healing time, love, or the future for that matter... But men and women handle pain and grief so differently, and I've heard so much about the woes of waiting for a widower to let go of his deceased wife. I'd especially love to hear some happy endings. I relate to being a widow myself, having lost my first love/husband (after divorce), AND 10 years ago losing my fiance' who I would have married in the temple. It took me 8 (!)years before I was ready to even consider a relationship because I felt content and loved with his spirit close to mine. Now I am pretty badly smitten with my new friend who lost his wife of 35yrs, nearly two years ago. For the first few months of dating, he seemed to be head-over-heels for me too, and coming on quite strong (within proper boundaries--though very motivated for physical intimacy within a projected marriage). Then he suddenly got confused about what he wanted and backed way off, though said he still wants for us to be friends. I gave him his space gracefully, but we've continued to be friends and support and enjoy one another, though less regularly. He seems to fluctuate now from wanting more intimacy, contact, and playfulness with me, to thinking we have no future to investigate and that his family would never understand. Some of the obstacles he's brought up are regular issues most older dating couples deal with: several hours distance, blending homes, older children, and in-laws. I want to continue getting to know him and tackle the challenges together as a team when and if the time comes and it feels right. He's said he doesn't want our friendship to end, but doesn't know if he'll ever be ready. Is it just too soon? I know of several other LDS widowers who are seeking relationships quickly after their losses. I am feeling very vulnerable, but drawn to him in every way. After many years, really since I was a young adult with my first husband, this is the first time I feel this attracted and comfortable about a special man. Anyone whose had experiences on either side, PLEASE advise! Thank you in advance!