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Found 150 results

  1. Nathan Collier said he was inspired by the recent Supreme Court decision that made marriage equal. He said he was particularly struck by the words of dissenting Chief Justice John Roberts who claimed giving gay couples the right to marry, might inspire polygamy. And so this week, Mr Collier and his two wives, Victoria and Christine, entered a courthouse in Billings, Montana, and sought an application to legalise the trio’s polygamous union, “Right now we're waiting for an answer," Mr Collier told The Independent. “I have two wives because I love two women and I want my second wife to have the same legal rights and protection as my first.” He added: "Most people are not us. I am not trying to define what marriage means for anybody else - I am trying to define what marriage means for us." Read full article here
  2. Average Joe

    If you were dying...

    If you were dying what would be the last thing you would try to tell those you cared about? Looking back at the April Conference addresses, Elder Packer's address was headed, "The end of all activity in the Church is to see that a man and a woman with their children are happy at home, sealed for eternity." Elder Perry's address was headed, "Family is the center of life and is the key to eternal happiness." Just a short time later they would pass away and the Supreme Court would rule in favor of same sex marriage. How profound and insightful their words seem now. Truly we have prophets in these latter-days.
  3. Today I heard a program in which Michael Medved said that 70% of all FIRST TIME marriages stay intact until the death of one of the couple. We've been told for at least 30 years that the figure was only 50%...a lie that conflates 2nd+ marriages with first ones, to create the false illusion that divorce is uber-normal, and probably inevitable. As we see marriage redefined, family increasingly treated as an unimportant, if not oppressive social construct, perhaps the best we can do is continue to enjoy our children, our spouses, and the special fulfillment we share as we grow together, bound by the love of our God. There is no arrogance here. Every day I am humbled by my wife and children. Their love and acceptance of me is amazing. Their reaction to my feeble efforts at husbanding and fathering are gracious (and merciful). I love them, and thank God for the honor He's given me to play my role. May the deposits we make, as an intact family, into our areas of influence lead many to look to and glorify God.
  4. Hi, I am new to this forum but was driven here by some pretty strong needs. I am hoping to find answers here. I have really been struggling in my life and in my marriage right now and frankly have been for over a decade. My husband and I are doing somewhat ok. Our finances are FINALLY on the upswing after years of uncontrolled spending by my husband. I have compensated by having to be extremely frugal with everything. We have finally gotten a lot more on the same page about finances and are working towards getting out of debt. I owe this to prayer. It's been pretty amazing. So I should be happy, right? So why am I so unhappy still? I have found myself crying on various occasions when I am alone, and a few times when I am with others and it becomes embarrassing because I can't explain why I am crying. It honestly has surprised me how easily tears come lately. It usually is when I am around a family who, it seems, has it all. It seems all of the sisters and sister-in-laws in my life have these amazing strong Mormon families. This is hard for me to talk about, because I rarely ever talk about the realities of my relationship with my husband to anyone. I used to talk to my mom about it but learned the hard way that it always just makes my life and marriage harder because she gets really mad at my husband and tries to get me to divorce him and it complicates things. I'll tell you a little about my husband without going too much into detail. In general, he is an angry person. I know that is starting out extremely negatively, but it is just the way I see him. He has a personality that is frankly very hard to get along with. Think how to hug a porcupine. Now before you go thinking that is just the way I see things, I will tell you, this is also a pretty objective thing. He has gone through numerous jobs, has issues with almost everyone he has ever worked with, quit or been forced to quit numerous jobs. He was in a leadership position in the ward and was constantly gossiping about the members of the ward and the leaders he worked with. I have a very hard time with that and try very hard to not encourage this. He chose to no longer fill that position, which I'm actually relieved about. Everywhere he goes, he makes enemies, and because of his ways of dealing with people, he has very few people left to call his friends. I believe he has a mental illness but he won't get help because he thinks he is fine. To me, he seems very antisocial. When he gets home from work, he believes he is done with all responsiblity for the day and will sit in the basement watching show after show after show until I have to leave for work after I have gotten all the kids to bed, and dealt with the sibling rivalry, made dinner, been a chauffeur, helped with homework, etc. Fathering, to him, almost seems that it was done the moment the children were conceived. He does not support the children. He won't go to any of their sports games (it embarrasses him that his children aren't better players, although he could have a LOT to do with that to help them improve in a gentle way), he won't go to music concerts they are in, he won't be involved. Period. He just doesn't care to and never has. He'll only go to things if there is free food there, and then he wants to leave right away when we are done eating. My heart has broken for my children many times over. His parents may suspect this, but I don't think they truly realize the extent of how miserable I am. My parents know mostly by reading through the lines, and sometimes after probing for information after one of those teary sessions where I just am in tears for no apparent reason. Because of his inability to really be active and involved, he is now pushing 400 lbs. and his doctor has given him strict instructions to excercise lest he die by the age of 40. I have been very surprised lately by often and extremely strong feelings of jealousy and anger about relationships in my life. My brother who I have been very close to in the past has pretty much not come over hardly at all or even answered my messages I have sent him. I would be ok with that, thinking he is just busy like I am except for the fact he recently saved money and flew out to be with my sisters family. I have been so very very hurt by that since he doesn't seem to have the time of day to come see me or my children even though he lives relatively close. I have found myself crying at my night job when no one is around. He has said a lot in the past how amazing I am, but never seems able to find the time to come over. And it hurts. To the core. Maybe because he has been one of the few people I see able to give my kids some of that dad-like time. How come kids who most need it are the ones that seem to get forgotten the most? Sorry, I know this is just pitiful. I don't know how things ever got to this point in my life. I find myself wanting to avoid any family that have an active and supportive dad and husband. The last time I had a teary episode in front of others was when I was with my mom and sisters family. Her husband was giving the family home evening lesson, and I thought to myself, we will never have what they have. That jealousy and trying to avoid that jealousy also makes it hard to form close friendships. I find myself drawn to make friendships with single women because it just cuts out all that emotional garbage of comparing myself and my family to theirs or getting jealous. I never thought of myself as a jealous person until recently. Anyway, there are a lot of other issues I haven't even touched on yet, but don't want to write a novel. So, this is enough for now. I feel I am right teetering on the verge of a deep depression if not in it already and so maybe I'm trying to stave it off as much as I possibly can. I just needed to tell someone what's really going on with me. The pretending I'm fine just isn't working anymore for me.
  5. I need help. I'll keep it brief and simple. Ive been dating this girl and we talk about the future pretty seriously. But there is this other girl that I've been interested in a lot and I can't get my mind off of her. But she's on a mission. She gets back soon which is great. But heres the catch, we live in different states. and my current relationship is also long distance. So its like either way I have to be long distance and won't really know what its like to be with someone unless one of us moves our life for the other. Any thoughts?f
  6. Ugh. I was so sad to see another loveless marriage claim less than one month old. I am in the same bind, and was hoping to see something more positive. Let me start out by saying I know I am clinically depressed. Because my husband lost his job, and therefore his insurance, at the same time as our PCP retired, we were without a doctor and no clinic would continue on antidepressants for a long term basis. We have insurance again, and I am already scheduled for an in-depth appointment at the end of the month, and I will be receiving proper medication then. The cause of my depression began as chronic pain; I was injured in a car wreck which triggered daily migraines and fibromyalgia. Because of my medical issues, when the company I was working for was sold, and my MIL was needing more help around the house, we chose that I NOT reapply and remain home to be available. My MIL eventually was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, was put into a care facility, and has since died. So I am home, unemployed for 8 years; my health problems have continued and worsened, so we have never thought me going back to work to be something able to be done. We are in our 50's and early 60's, have one grown son. We own our own home, with a minimal mortgage and own another home outright that we are preparing for sale. Because of credit card debt, when I left my job, we decided that withdrawing my 401K and using that money to clear up debt would be the right thing to do. BUT then my husband's job was eliminated. He was given a good severance package, but it changed him. Over 30 years with one employee and told he was no longer wanted or needed...he broke. He got another job fairly quickly, but lost that job as well. So the 401K fund was sapped out fairly quickly. He has since worked another job....which ended when the position was eliminated. At this time, a small pension fund was made available to me, and we NEEDED it for a source of income. So now that is almost gone. I have no funds left, no job, and no disability payments possible. But I live in a loveless marriage and need to leave. He says he loves me, but does not show it. He does what he wants when he wants to do it, and unlike the majority of stories I've read, that means he does NOTHING when he is not working. Unless it directly is for him. He has no interests, and literally will go to work in the morning, come home (often making stops to run errands without 1) telling me what errands he needs done so I can do them during the day and/or 2) calling me to tell me he will be late. He doesn't try to do anything and when I ask it always turns into an argument. He shrugs and walks away, saying he'll do better, but that never lasts more than a few days. Then it's back to work, sleep in front of the TV, bed, and work. And NOTHING else. He has no sex drive at all. I knew before we were married that he had been curious about homosexuality, but he assured me it had been short-lived and not what he wanted. He lied. He is not sexually attracted to me and hasn't been for decades. I thought it was me, until I found gay porn. He admitted that was his attraction. I cannot be a man. And yesterday, he lied to me and tried to hide things from me. He was in a minor fender bender; his fault, but an accident nonetheless. He chose to withhold all information about it from me, until he figured I wouldn't get mad. And lied to me about what he had been doing in the two times I had expected to see him that afternoon. He doesn't care, or at least, he doesn't seem to care that lies and secrets disrespect and hurt me. We live as housemates, sharing a bed because we only have one. But that is all we share: a house, a bed, and a paycheck. I know he is depressed, but he will not do anything about it. He refuses to see a doctor about anything. And he turns it all around as my fault. He lied to me when we got married, about something else, too. His parents lived a loveless marriage, living together under the same roof, separate rooms for 30 years, separate paychecks and expenses, separate interests....and I told him I would not want that and he had to promise me he did not himself and would not "become his parents." He becoming more like them as time goes on. And it doesn't bother him. Nothing bothers him, just ask. Everything is "fine." Always. I need out. I want to be happy. I want a life. I want to feel and be loved by someone. I want to feel wanted. But I am stuck with no money, no job, no marriage, no life outside my home, no friends, and no Church....because he is active, counselling would include his sexual proclivities, and that could damage his membership...I haven't been to Church myself in a long time. I cannot lie to them about it, and it would ruin that aspect of his life. I can't do that to him. I suppose here I should say that his original 30 year employer? The Church. When you need a temple recommend to hold your job, but don't have sex with your wife because she is not a man.....that wouldn't work out. So I stayed away. How much do I need to put up with? How can I manage on my own? How much more do I need to lose in this life? I have no one but him, loveless or not. That is not the life I want. I have no hope for better. There. I vented. I can't say it helped, if anything it makes it all the more clear.
  7. My daughter is thinking of being a psychologist. We are encouraging her. However, one area of concern is the integration of religious faith and this field. Historically, there is the perception that psychology is at odds with religion. The issue of sexual orientation and identity has highlighted this concern--especially with APA's rejection of reparative therapies. Things are not always as they seem. APA is realizing that a psychology vs. conservative religion dichotomy was developing--and that such should not be the case. A break through seems to have developed with APA's endorsement of the SIT (Sexual Identity Therapy) framework. In essence, it recognizes that some clients find their religious identity to be more important than their sexual orientation, and that shunting their sexuality to the side, to live celibately, or even eventually, to live in a mixed-orientation marriage, can be ethical and beneficial. Is anyone familiar with the SIT framework? One of the best known psychologists using it is Dr. Warren Throckmorton (Grove City College).
  8. I need some feedback for a problem. Me and my husband recently got married, and I always knew he had a different idea of how to keep the Sabbath Day Holy, but our compromise was when it came to football season, I would allow football to be watched and not put up a fit. I felt it was a good compromise since he doesn't go shopping, go out to eat, or do anything else majorly wrong on the sabbath day. I myself however, had some very powerful spiritual experiences with the sabbath day, and have enjoyed for a very long time only doing things that would draw me closer to the Lord on that day. That means I wouldn't watch TV, or movies (unless a large group of friends were and it couldn't be avoided), and I'd try to serve and it seriously was the HAPPIEST day of the week. Now we both dread Sundays because he sees Sundays as making him a little stuck. Even though he will outwardly do things I like, inwardly he is bored out of his mind and not happy. As he's not very happy on that day, I am not very happy or excited to worship and praise the Lord all day long as I previously was. How can we take this damper off of our Sundays? I'm about to cave by just not caring about keeping them holy anymore, or just escaping for the day while he does what makes him happy (watch TV and Sports). I feel like he has never seen them as this AMAZING joyful, holy, packed full of the spirit kind of day as I see them. He just sees them as a day you go to church and try to not go out to eat, etc. He's always been a little downcast about Sundays. I don't think it's even the TV and Sports that bother me so much as the fact that he doesn't get the thrill out of the spirit of holiness on that day, and our difference of understanding is what makes it pretty hard. What should I do to make this day easier for us?
  9. It seems absurd, but if the Supreme Court rules that marriage is a Constitutional right then the IRS may deny tax-exempt status to schools that refuse to offer same-sex housing, just as it did to Bob Jones University in 1983, for denying housing to interracial married couples.
  10. Hi everyone, I have been married for almost 5 years and have no children. I was raised in the gospel and my husband is a return missionary who was also raised in the church. My husband recently came out to me with the his belief that there is no God. He has struggled for the last few years, with the catalyst (I believe) being his younger brother coming out as gay and leaving the church. My husband also suffers from mild depression and I think that this trial has made it harder for him to feel the spirit. While he hasn't stopped wearing his garments yet, I know that is the next step for him. I still have a testimony and am feeling heart broken. I can see all the things that I wanted for our lives getting flushed down the toilet. I am afraid to have kids with him and kids are something that I desperately want. He has changed so much since we got married I am terrified of how much more he could change in the next 5 years. I just feel so discouraged and sad. It seems that when it rains it pours because I have recently seen many LDS couples around me filing for divorce. We are looking into meeting with an LDS counselor. I would greatly appreciate any advice, support, and prayers during this time because I am feeling so lost and scared. Sincerely, J
  11. So I need some advice. And I have no idea where to begin. In a nutshell my husband and I are trying to decide if we should divorce. Or HE is deciding. The problem is complicated. Though it has only recently be relayed to me, apparently the entire 4 1/2 years my husband and I have been married he's been struggling with what makes him happy. He wanted to get married, and assures me he still loves me. But two months ago My husband reveled to me he has lost his testimony, has more properly has been faking it and never fully had one. He believes if the LDS church is the closest thing to the truth. But he doesn't believe it as a whole. or agree with its restrictions. He still goes every Sunday and participate fully for the kids and me. Because he believes its good for the kids. Now things since then have gone down hill. A month after that he told me he wasn't sure if he wants to be married anymore. He says it causes him too much stress because its too much work for him. He expresses his frustration with always having to sacrifice his personal time for family time. He feels like he sometimes rather just be alone. Im trying to figure a way we can make this work but he says there's only a 30% chance he stays because he doesn't want to make the effort anymore. He can find just as much happiness in solitude as he can with us. Plus in his eyes he can do what he wants when he wants. See the kids and me when he wants, exercise when he wants, work and friends when he wants. And he wont have the church restrictions I apply so ha can watch what he wants drink what he wants go where he wants exct. I want to make an effort to make this work to make him happier. Because he says he does want me and the kids and our marriage but he wants the solo life too. He just doesn't know which he wants more. I don't know how to deal with this and I'm in a slump, were fighting all the time because I get so emotional and that makes him angry. He says he's not good enough and I should leave him. Built I love him and want to make this work. I just don't know at what point am I supposed to call quits. Can we be one of those stories where "oh she stuck by me and put up with so much and now look were a super happy family" or am I going to stick with it and get more hurt and have us end on worse turns then if we just end it now. I don't know what im supposed to do....
  12. So. I am an 18 year old male, finishing up high school and about to serve a mission this summer, but there's this girl that I really, reeeally like. This girl, however, is a nonmember. My parents are very.....Mormon (?) I guess, (not that I'm not), and they only want me to marry a girl in the temple. This girl has been exposed to the church and we've talked a lot about it, but she's not interested in joining. I heard that temple marriage is a requirement to be in the celestial kingdom, and that was a downer, to put it lightly. I really want to be there, of course. I know of other faithful members who did not have temple marriages. Any ideas on what's going to happen? This is all assuming that we do get married after my mission and survive college. It's a possibility. True to the Faith says that there are three degrees within the celestial kingdom, and that temple marriage is required only for the highest degree. Is there common speculation or doctrine? Thanks!
  13. I kinda curious about people's General advise for the do' s and do nots for having a successful marriage. If your marriage has been successful, what good things have you and your partner done that you feel have contributed to it's success? What troubles have you had to work through? If you have had a failed marriage, why did it fail, what do you think could have changed the result? Despite the problems was there anything that really worked out well? If you remarried, what have you and your partner done differently? What do you feel should be avoided? Were there expectations you brought in that turned out differently? Are there things you looked for in a partner that made a difference? Any other thoughts and comments?
  14. Oh Man. This being separated stuff/ almost divorced stuff is rough. My husband told me about 5 weeks ago he wanted a divorce. We were living back East at the time while he was beginning his phd program. When he told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted to get a divorce, he also said he was quitting his phd program and moving back in with his parents until he figured out what his next step is, but he knew it wasn't going to include me we had only moved back East from Utah about 4 months earlier. It was an interesting situation because we actually kept living together for the next week while we packed up our house and loaded up the moving truck. I was able to talk to him more about the situation than if he just left that evening. I am not sure if it helped or not. He felt like marrying me was a mistake from the beginning, that he didn't feel like the divorce was just righting that wrong, we were married in the temple. He just doesn't have feelings for me anymore, and he hasn't for a while he said. He said that he wants a fresh start to find someone that will make him happy. He doesn't like how he is with me. (We are turning 29 in a few months). We have had some really good times, and of course some hard times as well. I never thought divorce was even on the table from my standpoint, but he has brought it up in past arguments. Our first year of marriage was REALLY hard. Whatever you want to call it, doubt, adjustment, etc. we just had trouble getting along, it is almost like it doomed us from the start as we have talked about why he wants a divorce he says that the first year was so bad and it never really improved enough to make him feel like we could last forever anyway. He wants to end it now and not be here three years from now in the same situation only 3 years older. We don't have any kids. We now live two hours apart, me on my own and him with his family. His family has been very supportive of him ending our 5 year marriage, which is so odd to me. I spend the first two weeks of the separation writing him emails, love notes, and trying to say something to help him reconsider. I have pleaded for him to consider counseling, he won't. He is not interested at all. In his mind things are over over. If he could be divorced tomorrow and never talk to me again he would be fine with that. (We can't be divorced for about two more months as in Utah you have to reside in the filing county for 3 months before). I don't know if I should give up hope on him changing his mind. It seems like with each day I wonder if he will, is there something I can do or say to have him reconsider? So now what? What do people do now? It is so weird going to church in a family ward as a almost divorced 28 year old. It is so weird sitting in an empty house alone. It is sad to cook for one person. It is sad to not have anyone ask about me day. It is so sad to sleep alone. It is hard thinking about the what ifs, the I should have..I could have..thinking about the future we won't have. It is hard to realize in only two months time we will be divorced. We don't have kids so we will just move on in our separate paths. Our five years of marriage will be over, he will just be my ex-husband that I don't see or talk to. It is like your best friend, your husband, your husband's family, etc. is all just gone. And it was not my choice, it was his. I have no say. You can't force him to reconsider or stay. People tell me it is all for the best, trials are for our is breaking up my family good? How is being alone good? How is it fair that I am almost 30 and starting over, what if I don't find anyone...child bearing years are limited. How is it fair that he can marry someone younger and live happily ever after? How is it fair that he can repent of this cowardliness of leaving me and again live happily ever after? His actions affect the rest of my life. Anyone ever have these feelings...or have gone through this terrible and come out the other side? It is lonely. My family lives about 2 hours away.
  15. I am 28 years old and I have been married for almost 5 years. The beginning of the marriage was rough. I told my husband I didn't love him. He struggled understanding why I didn't want to be intimate with him as often as he did - I regret giving him the answer of I didn't love him as that was not true. Time went on, his pornography addiction surfaced. I handled that so poorly, I didn't support him and made him feel like it was his problem, not mine. He went to counseling, he asked me to go and I didn't want to go, I was hurt by the situation and I just wanted him to fix it. Fast forward a year. I realized I was basically a monster in the beginning and begged for his forgiveness. Life went on, but it seemed the damage of the things I did and said in the beginning were always lingering. Every big fight we had ended with him putting divorce on the table. We had some good times and long periods where we got along great. We also struggled communicating and resolving conflict. How I acted in the beginning had hardened his heart, and he didn't love me anymore. I really don't know why I acted the way I did in the beginning. Hard time adjusting to marriage? Unable to answer his questions about intimacy? Didn't understand myself what the deal was? Whatever it was, it was my fault. Fast forward another year. Things still went on, fights were had, divorce was brought up, but I never wanted to divorce and I had always been able to plead my case and he would stay, I loved him and that first year was haunting us. He couldn't let it go, and I couldn't really blame him - it didn't matter how many good times we had or how happy we were for any period, it always came back to that and divorce always seemed to be an answer to our problems for him. About a month ago we had an argument. This time divorce was the answer for him. We were living in West Virginia at the time, and he moved back to Utah in with his parents. I found my own place in Utah. We are now living two hours apart. I miss him terribly. I want so badly for him to be able to see into my heart and understand how I am feeling. To him, the marriage is over. No part of him wants to try again. He feels that we are incompatible and probably should not have been married in the first place. I sit here and realize that it was my fault in the beginning for being terrible - but honestly, is giving up on our marriage at this point the answer? Can't all wounds be healed with the atonement? I have written him emails apologizing for the past and have been very specific with what I should have done differently, I have made promises. If you have been in the situation of a one sided divorce you know that you want to do anything you can to salvage the marriage, you think there is something you could do or say that would change your husband's mind, but it really doesn't seem like anything will. We don't have any children and it seems terrible that once things are final we will move apart in life. Nothing is holding us together. There is no reason our paths would cross. Our five years of marriage will just be a memory and nothing else. Where do you even go from here? This hurt and loneliness seems unbearable.
  16. When I am asked what I would do if I discovered that I was predominantly attracted to the same sex my quick answer is, "I'd be celibate." What else is there? I wouldn't enter into a relationship that I could not give myself passionately towards. LIkewise, I wouldn't enter one that violated God's commands. And, at least for traditional Christians, there is a long history of those who chose to be celibate so they could fully dedicate themselves to God's work. Turns out that this course of action is more controversial than I thought. LBGT folk and some Christians are uncomfortable because celibacy denies the goal of those who want LBGT to be fully who they are and fully able to engage in church life on the one hand, and it suggests that desires cannot be corrected on the other. I still embrace this as the most likely course of successful action for a commited believer who is same-sex attracted.
  17. Hello everyone! My first post. I read the rules, so I hope this is all good in here! I have been dating a man for a little over three months. He is simply wonderful in every way. He came from a pretty bad environment, and has a hard past behind him thanks to circumstances caused by his family, yet came out a virtuous, honest, and loving man. He recently joined the church, and we have been attending together since. He's suprised me endlessly with his faith, loyalty, and dedication to both me and to God. After some intense prayer... I've found a strong inclination that this is the man I should marry. We've had a lot of discussion, ranging from our own personal preferences of media, hobby, and lifestyle to how we'd like to raise our kids and more personal matters such as personal relations (I am a born-in-the-church virgin, he is not, but I feel it's very important to discuss one's expectations with their potential spouse in an appropriate way so no one is blind sided by any sexual expecations or lack thereof). We match perfectly, and we get along so very well. So far, we have been doing great. I personally believe we have exceeded expecations thus far for control and respect of each other. He is, in all terms, absolutely perfect and patient with me. I had some issues as a young woman, due to a forced sexual encounter with a man who didn't respect my small sixteen year old self, that led to many years battling pornography and problems with depression and OCD. To this day I am a parasomniac, suffering from vivid nightmares and problems with "fall-asleep-everywhere" syndrome. Cars, floors, everywhere is a sleeping place. Luckily, my sweet boyfriend is respectful and caring when I have my "fits", and quietly holds on to me until I wake up. I couldn't ask for a more patient and loving potential spouse. The problem is, the wait... A year is a long time... it's how long we've got until he can get his endowments. And as someone who suffered from pornography years ago, I KNOW temptation is a strong thing. It's only a matter of time until it starts to try and creep. I've always been told to avoid long engagements for this reason. I also have an issue with the definitions of temple worthiness. I believe the temple is INCREDIBLY serious.... I fear if we wait until he can get his endowments, our minds won't be in the right place. Not that I see us not being worthy (I'm sure with enough incredible force, prayer, and mass fasting we could make it...) but I also don't want to rush. The temple sealing is an incredible commitment that even I as a lifelong member don't fully understand. I often don't feel worthy of such blessings, even though I haven't done anything wrong! I'm also concerned for his health... He is a type 1 diabetic, and I fear that if something happens to him in the next year, I won't be able to be sealed to him in any life... And just the thought breaks my heart... However, civil marriage brings it's own issues... My family, would, FREAK. They have always pushed the temple as the one-and-only, and they aren't wrong to do so. The importance of sealing ordinances and eternal families is BEYOND the importance of mortality. The year between our civil marriage, if we have one, would be a year of my family "rending their clothing" at the idea that I might never ever be sealed to them. While I'm personally not worried about his comittment (as the promise of an eternal loving family is really what caught him on the gospel in the first place), it might cause bitter ties in my family. They may even go so far as to wonder if we broke the laws of chasity. I've tried talking to the bishop... Actually, two bishops! My singles ward bishop is still green, new to the field. He gave rushed, textbook answers, not understanding that I have experienced powerful and spiritual feelings about this situation. I appreciate his love and compassion, but... He just didn't help. My old home ward bishop (the man who helped me through my youth) simply hasn't had a response. I texted him, since he's a bit far from me, and I suppose he just doesn't know what to make of the situation. We are urged not to delay the temple sealing, but some situations are just kinda wonky, like this. He told me he'd circle back when he could, but he is busy and may not know quite what to tell me! We also have some friends at the hobby store we met at who happen to also be LDS, who did the civil marriage and are waiting to be sealed... Everything seems well and good, kinda against everything I grew up being told about how temple marriages are THE ONLY WAY... It's starting to really chew on my poor boyfriend. I want to have this figured out before getting engaged. He is willing to fight for either way, and knows that God will give me the answers I need. But it hurts him to not be engaged, and he's very excited about the gospel and starting a life with me. And I admit, I'm excited too! So, what advice do you all have? A civil marriage would help us focus on the temple as a couple, get us going on our lives (and get him out of his horrible and less then kind parents' house), and also elliminate that long wait period that could cause risk for sexual temptations (as we are very attracted to each other... always have been for the year we've known each other, even before we were dating. We just have control and our respect and love outweight our lusts). But it could traumatize my family, and may spread negativity through my clan. A temple marriage would get us sealed right away, made to spend a wonderful eternity fighting reality and all that it brings together. My family would approve without a doubt. But it may be that doing so could be too rushed, without proper purpose and spirit in mind. It also puts the risk that if he gets very sick from his illness between now and then that we may never make it to that point (I'm not sure how likely or unlikely that situation is currently, and won't know until his next check-up in February. Last Check-up he had some kidney damage....). Not to mention the temptations a year-long engagement brings.... Any thoughts? Anyone here have a civil marriage first? Thanks everyone! Tl;dr. Civil or Temple?
  18. I am going on 3 years. We have other stints that have lasted 1 and 2 years. It is a circle of constant rejection. We are active in the church have 3 wonderful children (Ages 2 - 7). Whenever I try to initiate I am told I need to lose weight or I need to help out more around the house etc. ( I do help out a lot BTW and when I try to improve the things she mentions she finds something else wrong). I admit we don't have date nights. In general we struggle with the basic things (Prayer, Reading the scriptures, FHE etc.). We also haven't been to the temple in a long time (we both have current recommends). There has been no issue of infidelity or addiction. I just don't know what to do. It seems like my spouse has no desire to engage in this part of our relationship and I rarely even try anymore because of the constant rejection. My spouse has become my roommate and doesn't even enjoy my company. I will live the rest of my life like this if I have to since Divorce is never an option. Both of our parents are divorced. Does anyone have any advice?
  19. I recently married a non-member. He has been taking the missionary discussions and has even set a goal date for baptism. I can't tell you how thrilled I am! However, he is struggling in keeping the Word of Wisdom. Some background on us. I grew up in the LDS church but fell away for a period of years. During this time, I met my now husband, and while I wasn't keeping the Word of Wisdom myself very well, I couldn't very well be hypocritical and ask him to work on his problems, which were much more addictive than mine. We recently moved to my home town which has brought so many blessings in our lives. I found the church again and my conviction to be the best me I can be and strengthen my relationship with my Heavenly Father has been stronger than it ever had been growing up. And thankfully, my wonderful husband has begun to find the truth for himself as well. The missionaries that are helping us are fantastic and supportive and have guided us both into a better place. My husband had problems with alcohol and tobacco addictions, as well as growing up drinking coffee and tea. He has given up coffee and tea, and quit drinking. However, he doesn't seem to be trying to quit tobacco at all, and last night, while we were out with coworkers of his, he drank multiple beers. He knows my stance on these matters and I don't want to be the one that deters him from baptism by pressuring him, or making him feel like he must choose between baptism or tobacco and alcohol. Ultimately, he must, but I'm worried an ultimatum like that might be too much. One is easy, and the other is not. I love this man so much, and seeing how far he has come is incredible. I want to be able to help him with this step as well. I'm just so worried it will come off as nagging and not supportive. I've asked the missionaries to go into further detail about the Word of Wisdom at our next appointment in hopes that will inspire him, but don't know what else to do besides pray and love him and encourage him to pray, go to church and help him feel the spirit. I'm wondering if there is more I could be doing. Any advice or suggestions would be very much appreciated. Thank you!
  20. Hello! I was raised in the LDS faith and later was given the freedom to explore other religious sections in my teens and early adulthood. I'm 31 now and would like to return to the LDS community because I love its emphasis on family values, rejection of drugs and unhealthy lifestyles, continual effort toward self-improvement, and helping others. I would be most happy if my husband would at least tolerate this venture with me, but he did not grow up in the faith and has serious reservations about becoming involved in the local LDS community because of some of the churches more far-reaching groundwork. Examples of this are the church's history of having leaders that practiced polygamy (and it still teaches believe polygamy will be practiced in the spirit world) and the fact that the archaeological record in North America does not collaborate with the Book of Mormon. These issues (especially when it comes to the historical record) trouble me as well, but I am able to look past them because of the present teachings of the church. The LDS people I know and have known have generally been nice, helpful and sincere people, and I rationalize these inconsistencies by pointing out that the faith obviously serves some people and drives them to be better versions of themselves. My husband, however, has become increasingly against my having any involvement with the church, and is presently at a place where he realizes he couldn't stop me from going alone, but he wouldn't go and wouldn't let me take our toddler, either. I live in a geographical area without a lot of religious diversity (most people here are catholic), and some of my motivation for wanting to reactivate in the church is social in nature. Am I interested in the church for the wrong reason? If not, what are some talking points I can use to help my husband understand where I'm coming from? Thanks in advance for your help!
  21. I love the gospel and my saviour so much however it would break my heart to leave my family out on my wedding day since I am the only member in my entire family. I'd just like to hear if anyone else has experienced this or advice people may have thank you all
  22. I need some advice on how to forgive my husband. We've been married 6 years this month and have 2 young sons. He has been verbally abusive almost our entire marriage and denies that he is verbally abusive. I've been seeing a therapist and he has repeatedly told me that the things my husband says to me are abusive. I've spoken to him several time about how he makes me feel and he tells me he won't change. I have a lot of anger towards him, and I know I need to forgive him, but how can I forgive him for hurting me when he keeps doing it? (He has never physically hurt me.) I've been praying a lot, but feel I need to be doing more. Examples of some of his verbal abuse: -Repeatedly telling me while pregnant that I'm disgusting and I repulse him -While pregnant with my first child I had horrible back pain and was working about 50-56 hours a week. I would come home and lay down to relieve the pain - he always told me I was lazy -Telling me I'm gross when he sees me in my garments - he makes me change in the closet or bathroom -Telling me I need plastic surgery
  23. Hey there, My husband and I have been married for just over a month now. He is not a member, but he has set a baptism goal date, which is such a big deal! He was so against being a member but has come around. However, he often doesn't want to come with me to church and tonight we have a ward activity that I have been looking forward to for over a month. I thought he was excited for it, too, but he's skipping out. I'm going to go alone but we're new in our ward and have only had the opportunity to go to meetings twice because of the Ogden temple dedication and then General Conference. I know a couple of people, but I'm nervous to go alone. I'm not an introvert, but I feel so much more comfortable not walking in alone or knowing I have someone to talk to always if conversations fall short. Even with his baptism coming up, I have a feeling that I'll be going to church and activities by myself a lot of the time. I hate having to explain to everyone why he isn't with me. Is there any advice you can give me? Because church is worth it to me to go, even by myself. However, if there are any tips you can give me to help with the uneasiness or the loneliness of going alone, I'd appreciate it.
  24. A few months ago, The New York Times Magazine discussed a study which found that couples who considered their relationship as “egalitarian” had less sex than couples who adhered to traditional gender roles. The results from this study surprised many. It was assumed that sex would improve as the marriage became more equal. Not so! This study found “that when men did certain kinds of chores around the house, couples had less sex. Specifically, if men did all of what the researchers characterized as feminine chores like folding laundry, cooking or vacuuming…then couples had sex 1.5 fewer times per month than those with husbands who did what were considered masculine chores, like taking out the trash or fixing the car….The more traditional the division of labor, meaning the greater the husband’s share of masculine chores compared with feminine ones, the greater his wife’s reported sexual satisfaction.“ Women “do want their husbands to help out — just in gender-specific ways. Couples in which the husband did plenty of traditionally male chores reported a 17.5 percent higher frequency of sexual intercourse than those in which the husband did none.” The findings in this study comes as no surprise to those who work in the field of family therapy, “No matter how much sink-scrubbing and grocery-shopping the husband does, no matter how well husband and wife communicate with each other, no matter how sensitive they are to each other’s emotions and work schedules, the wife does not find her husband more sexually exciting, even if she feels both closer to and happier with him. For those who are LDS, consider these questions. What might the proclamation on the family say about the results of this study? Does the proclamation on the family encourage egalitarian marriages? Personally, I don’t think so, but a person who sees life through the lens of equality might interpret this document as advocating egalitarianism, when in fact The Proclamation on the Family emphasizes distinct gender roles between men and woman. I believe The Proclamation on the Family, if followed to the extent circumstances allow, will lead to happier marriages. I also believe it’s important to emphasize, when it comes to marriage there are no guarantees of living happily ever after. There have been many couples who have adhered to traditional gender roles and are now divorced. An important bit of fact to take from this study is that men and woman want different things, and it is those differences that attract us to each other. Most (99.9%) of people who are married understand how important physical and emotional intimacy is. How important? President Kimball, a Prophet of the Mormon Church taught that the number one cause of divorce is over the issue of sex. “If you study the divorces…you will find that there are [many] reasons. Generally sex is the first. They did not get along sexually. They may not say that in the court. They may not even tell that to their attorneys, but that is the reason.”(The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 1982, p. 329) The Proclamation on the family lays out clear guidelines for man and woman to follow in their relationship. The roles defined in this document are considered sexist and bigoted by today’s society. I myself am thankful that this study was done, as it confirms the wisdom found in The Proclamation. It shows that men and woman are in fact different, and it is those differences that attract us to one another.
  25. Would appreciate your thoughts on my latest article about supporting/loving our spouses. Of the 7 suggestions I give, what resonates with you the most? Do you have additional ideas? As members of the church we often find it hard to balance our busy lives; between callings, children, spouse, work, school. Among all these wonderful and fulfilling spiritual and temporal responsibilities. When do we ever have time to take care of our physical selves? Are you a struggling to achieve your fitness goals in your marriage? In my recent post I share 7 ideas that will both strengthen your marriage and help you be fit again. Without feeling you are neglecting the other important things in your life.!How-to-Train-Your-Spouse/c53m/E3EE5D71-96A2-4D3F-AC6C-92EAEC4DDBCE