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  1. I honestly don’t know how to start this, I’m not even sure why I’m here. I guess I’m just looking for some hope in this situation. So in the beginning of September, my husband asked me to call him after I got off work, and he told me he had left. We’d been married a little over a year at that point, and while it wasn’t perfect, I thought our marriage was solid and had potential to become even better with time and dedication. But unfortunately, behind everything that seemed great, my husband had been struggling terribly with depression. And he never felt like he could talk to me about it. And there’s a few contributing factors to that, my communication when he would open up to me would often leave him feeling bad for asking because I would express that I felt like I was a bad wife because I couldn’t help him more (I have some self esteem issues with that, and it’s kinda how my parents would communicate with me, so it’s a learned behavior that I've been trying to get out of for a while), or because he always felt like he needed to come to my rescue because I have depression and anxiety as well. And while it may have been really bad during the beginning of our relationship, I had felt like I had gotten more control over that part of my life since then. But regardless, this is about him. He admits that most of the fault there lies on him for just not communicating to me earlier how he felt, but all of those feelings eventually accumulated one day and he just broke and moved back in with his parents. It was a huge shock for me, and still is. Here’s the problem- We don’t want to get divorced. But we both see this situation so differently. He feels that he needs to work on himself right now and that he won’t be in a state to be in a relationship for a long time. He has said that when he prays, he gets the feeling that we’re meant to be together, but he can’t be with me right now or we aren’t meant to be together as a married couple. And he doesn’t want to do counseling, because he feels and has heard from other people that couples counseling is just us talking to each other while a therapist acts as the referee (which is probably sometimes the case, but not necessarily). On my side of things, however, after my pleadings with the Lord and visits to the temple and priesthood blessings, etc, all I can feel is that 1. Our marriage was not a mistake, 2. To not get divorced, but we do need this time to be separate and I to just be a friend and support to him, and 3. Just keep fighting. The first two things, I get for the most part. But I’m having such a hard time fighting and remaining hopeful. We still see each other a lot, we work at the same place, go to the same Star Wars role playing game every Friday, and have recently agreed to meet up at least to get food and chat once a week. But I can feel us drifting and that scares me to my core. He says he feels good just being friends for now, that he likes having my support. And I can see it helping him. And he still loves me, he still breaks down about how terrible he feels that all of this is happening, how he wishes he felt like he could come back but just doesn’t. And he’s being more honest with me than he’s ever been, which is nice. But I don’t want us to become “just friends”. We both had powerful feelings that we were meant to marry each other before we got married, I imagined a future together and he would get revelatory dreams of what our kids would look like and how happy they’d make us. Neither of us want to become just friends, but it seems like he’s resigned himself to that being the only option because he is so depressed, and I’m left to be the only one to carry all the hope. But I’m terrified. We’ve been apart for almost 2 months now and it just feels worse and worse. I feel like I’m losing hope more and more each day. And I can’t force him to come back, I dont want to. I want him to feel ready to, I don’t want to make him feel like he needs to hide his feelings again. I guess what I’m asking here is if anyone has gone through anything similar, and if it worked out, how it worked out. I get the feeling that if I hang on, we can work it out, but that depends on things I can’t control so much that I don’t know what to believe. So I guess if anyone has any advice or hope to give me, it would be really welcome.
  2. Hi all- hoping for some advice and I'll start with background info- I'm a new member that has struggled with the WOW and investigated the church when I met my BF(now husband) -When we met my husband also struggled with WOW and was a somewhat-repentant struggling RM. Basically I got baptized a year later and then we got civilly married. Once we were married it was hard, because my husband has been breaking the WOW while I was preparing for my baptism. So our problems stemmed from basically falling in love when neither of us were temple worthy. When we first started dating I was not a member and wanted to have sex with him, he caved in soon-so he had to repent for that and we stopped for awhile before we got married so he could Get back his priesthood. (Didn't have it before me for a little while-either) I didnt know about temple covenants and the importance of the law of chastity, WoW and the PH until I really started investigating before I got baptized. Flash forward and we have been married and we're both breaking the WOW for some time. Basically my husband is a good guy with a tough background and I'm also here as a result of difficult circumstances- but I just really really struggled. At the beginning of the year my husband started talking to his ex gf a lot because she broke the law of chastity and wanted a friend. But he had just finally started to clean up his act with the wOW and was waiting for me to do that too.. I've never been to the temple or gotten my blessing because I was just too sad and focused on our problems -didn't know to use the gospel to help us. And I think he was really depressed. Basically they started talking all the time and I found her to be fantasizing about my husband, literally. And meanwhile he wanted a divorce-but Didnt begin the process because he didn't have enough money to move out and his own car at the time. Blah. So I'm really being neglected at this point, ignoring all the guys that want my attention and I'm just having faith things will work out. He wasn't perfect but was expecting me to change instantly when I've already changed so much. The church IS for me and I'm a completely different person now- but obviously have a lot to do to improve my life. My husband is always mad, unhappy with me etc but uses me financially. I was too quiet about our problems in the beginning of our marriage, and now that he was really not approving of me, it was a little late to change his thinking about what he wanted. So he moves out on me finally before our one year anniversary and we keep fighting. he still needs me to take him to work, meanhwile he's emotionally invested in his ex gf and he repentance process trying to "help her" - but she as trying to visit him from out of state- coming to literally visit him only, and started telling him about her high sex drive and crap. Mind you- this girl is completely irrelevant to me, not cute and a total loser wanting attention- but I started to feel really angry that he was liking all her attention- since I was always focused on what I was doing wrong and not what he was doing to make things harder. So a few months ago I've been starting to move and I'm now out of state. I am here trying to get some space and hell myself by saving money. I visited him a few times and it's been good when I first arrive- but the closer I get To leaving town- he starts showing disapproval and how much he wants things to be over. I'm on a rollercoaster in our marriage. Always holding hope until recently- but now I'm mad I didn't just get an annulment. I love him more than anyone in the world and wanted to be sealed. It just has been tough for me as a new member never having the PH in our house and seeing how he handled things. I definitely should've just kept my baptismal covenants... but here is where my question lies. About 3 months ago (he moved out before this) I was visiting him, and was raped by a stranger. Long story but in the end, my husband ignored me and didn't talk to me for a month after that because of our marriage problems. He blocked me on Facebook too. That really hurt. Then he finally called me saying he had been praying, I went and saw him for 2 months and helped him with $$ and everything, but a few weeks ago when I was about to leave again, he started to be a jerk and saying he doesn't want to be married. I get out of town to where I'm staying and AGAIN he started ignoring me, going as far on thanksgiving to block me again on Facebook and then block me on the phone because I was telling him let's get this divorce- I don't want to be married to someone that doesn't know how to love uncondiontially when he makes mistakes and bad choices too. Basically im at a point now where I feel so far away from him and have no hope. We aren't in the divorce process yet because he's broke! So I'm stuck in this marriage and just decided last week to start hanging out with some guys and getting to know other people. But this guy ended up kissing me the other day and I'm really frustrated because I know I should have just been more careful and avoided being alone with anyone again. esoecially after having an adult male stranger sexually assault me months ago.. but I just wish that I had avoided that situation because even though nothing really happened I can feel that I don't want to be in that position again. I'm meeting with my bishop tonight. But I'd appreciate any insights into my situation and what to do. I want to stay married to my husband but he's just unhappy with himself so we aren't even talking. I feel alone and need to turn to God and get myself to the temple but it's definitely hard and I feel guilty for allowing myself to try hanging out with members of the opposite sex and not preventing an advance on me. I know from here I won't be spending any time with any men anymore, but I could use any advice and thoughts in this subject matter. Our separation has been going on for almost a year now but obviously there have been periods of trying to work on things and we have only been living separately for 6-7 months. Sorry for such a long story but this is hard- I love God and I just want a better relationship with him and myself. But don't know what to do about my marriage anymore. Stay strong and have more patience or push for the divorce to happen faster? Thank you for any input.
  3. Oh Man. This being separated stuff/ almost divorced stuff is rough. My husband told me about 5 weeks ago he wanted a divorce. We were living back East at the time while he was beginning his phd program. When he told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted to get a divorce, he also said he was quitting his phd program and moving back in with his parents until he figured out what his next step is, but he knew it wasn't going to include me we had only moved back East from Utah about 4 months earlier. It was an interesting situation because we actually kept living together for the next week while we packed up our house and loaded up the moving truck. I was able to talk to him more about the situation than if he just left that evening. I am not sure if it helped or not. He felt like marrying me was a mistake from the beginning, that he didn't feel like the divorce was just righting that wrong, we were married in the temple. He just doesn't have feelings for me anymore, and he hasn't for a while he said. He said that he wants a fresh start to find someone that will make him happy. He doesn't like how he is with me. (We are turning 29 in a few months). We have had some really good times, and of course some hard times as well. I never thought divorce was even on the table from my standpoint, but he has brought it up in past arguments. Our first year of marriage was REALLY hard. Whatever you want to call it, doubt, adjustment, etc. we just had trouble getting along, it is almost like it doomed us from the start as we have talked about why he wants a divorce he says that the first year was so bad and it never really improved enough to make him feel like we could last forever anyway. He wants to end it now and not be here three years from now in the same situation only 3 years older. We don't have any kids. We now live two hours apart, me on my own and him with his family. His family has been very supportive of him ending our 5 year marriage, which is so odd to me. I spend the first two weeks of the separation writing him emails, love notes, and trying to say something to help him reconsider. I have pleaded for him to consider counseling, he won't. He is not interested at all. In his mind things are over over. If he could be divorced tomorrow and never talk to me again he would be fine with that. (We can't be divorced for about two more months as in Utah you have to reside in the filing county for 3 months before). I don't know if I should give up hope on him changing his mind. It seems like with each day I wonder if he will, is there something I can do or say to have him reconsider? So now what? What do people do now? It is so weird going to church in a family ward as a almost divorced 28 year old. It is so weird sitting in an empty house alone. It is sad to cook for one person. It is sad to not have anyone ask about me day. It is so sad to sleep alone. It is hard thinking about the what ifs, the I should have..I could have..thinking about the future we won't have. It is hard to realize in only two months time we will be divorced. We don't have kids so we will just move on in our separate paths. Our five years of marriage will be over, he will just be my ex-husband that I don't see or talk to. It is like your best friend, your husband, your husband's family, etc. is all just gone. And it was not my choice, it was his. I have no say. You can't force him to reconsider or stay. People tell me it is all for the best, trials are for our is breaking up my family good? How is being alone good? How is it fair that I am almost 30 and starting over, what if I don't find anyone...child bearing years are limited. How is it fair that he can marry someone younger and live happily ever after? How is it fair that he can repent of this cowardliness of leaving me and again live happily ever after? His actions affect the rest of my life. Anyone ever have these feelings...or have gone through this terrible and come out the other side? It is lonely. My family lives about 2 hours away.
  4. I am 28 years old and I have been married for almost 5 years. The beginning of the marriage was rough. I told my husband I didn't love him. He struggled understanding why I didn't want to be intimate with him as often as he did - I regret giving him the answer of I didn't love him as that was not true. Time went on, his pornography addiction surfaced. I handled that so poorly, I didn't support him and made him feel like it was his problem, not mine. He went to counseling, he asked me to go and I didn't want to go, I was hurt by the situation and I just wanted him to fix it. Fast forward a year. I realized I was basically a monster in the beginning and begged for his forgiveness. Life went on, but it seemed the damage of the things I did and said in the beginning were always lingering. Every big fight we had ended with him putting divorce on the table. We had some good times and long periods where we got along great. We also struggled communicating and resolving conflict. How I acted in the beginning had hardened his heart, and he didn't love me anymore. I really don't know why I acted the way I did in the beginning. Hard time adjusting to marriage? Unable to answer his questions about intimacy? Didn't understand myself what the deal was? Whatever it was, it was my fault. Fast forward another year. Things still went on, fights were had, divorce was brought up, but I never wanted to divorce and I had always been able to plead my case and he would stay, I loved him and that first year was haunting us. He couldn't let it go, and I couldn't really blame him - it didn't matter how many good times we had or how happy we were for any period, it always came back to that and divorce always seemed to be an answer to our problems for him. About a month ago we had an argument. This time divorce was the answer for him. We were living in West Virginia at the time, and he moved back to Utah in with his parents. I found my own place in Utah. We are now living two hours apart. I miss him terribly. I want so badly for him to be able to see into my heart and understand how I am feeling. To him, the marriage is over. No part of him wants to try again. He feels that we are incompatible and probably should not have been married in the first place. I sit here and realize that it was my fault in the beginning for being terrible - but honestly, is giving up on our marriage at this point the answer? Can't all wounds be healed with the atonement? I have written him emails apologizing for the past and have been very specific with what I should have done differently, I have made promises. If you have been in the situation of a one sided divorce you know that you want to do anything you can to salvage the marriage, you think there is something you could do or say that would change your husband's mind, but it really doesn't seem like anything will. We don't have any children and it seems terrible that once things are final we will move apart in life. Nothing is holding us together. There is no reason our paths would cross. Our five years of marriage will just be a memory and nothing else. Where do you even go from here? This hurt and loneliness seems unbearable.
  5. Ironically, I've posted quite a few replies to other threads telling others to stick it out and work through it. But my main reason for joining this forum was to get advice from LDS church members about my marriage, especially what to do about it. (I know I'm not perfect, and that I have a temper. I have hit him with my wimpy lack of upper body strength, because he tends to ignore me when I bring up any issues in our relationship. And maybe we just don't work together in a marriage.) I dated my husband for about a year before marrying him. I knew that he was spoiled and irresponsible, but darn it if he didn't love me unconditionally and treat me like absolute gold! This was such a change from my previous (and only other) boyfriend, who had treated my like dirt enough for me to feel comfortable calling him an emotional abuser. I feel for my husband because he was so completely different from what I had experienced from my ex (and my father). I though that men just weren't like that. I did break off our first engagement because I felt he wasn't mature enough to handle supporting a family. We got back together, and I decided to marry him after one prayer. I knew I loved him, but had such reservations about marrying a man who hadn't gone on a mission and who was just plain irresponsible. To make a long story short, I got the answer to my prayer two days later when I got an email telling me that my deposit on single student housing was being refunded because the house was being remodeled; and this was about a month before the semester started. I still had reservations, but I trusted that the Lord knew what he was doing. My hesitance was not bolstered when I told my friends. One was actually excited when I told them. Most of them had been trying to get me to go out to school and find someone else. Fast forward seven months. We're married, and I've survived two semester of school while married. My grades have been in the tank. I told him that school would be my full time job, and that he would need to support the family financially since he wasn't admitted as a student yet. He has been working. I think he has maxed out at about 16 hours a week. Right now he could be working 35 hours a week, but chooses not to because it's "too stressful". He wakes up, goes straight to the living room, and turns on the PS3. He comes home from work and turns on the PS3. I try to get him to help around the house, to call people for errands or to apply for food stamps, . . . he just tells me that he works and I don't. Even when I was in school, he only cared that I didn't have a job. When I did get a job, he only cared that he still made more money (by about $20). I found us another apartment that was cheaper, and he complains that it doesn't have a dishwasher so he won't do the dishes. I am looking for a job. We're borrowing money from my parents every few months just to cover rent and utilities, even now that our rent is $200 lower. I do all the budgeting, and he is always asking to spend (or not asking to and just spending) money on his games. Our expenses can't get any lower. I feel like he needs to grow up and take responsibility for this family. He seems to only care about his half. I am tempted to move out as soon as I secure an income of my own. I have even been tempted to ask my parents for a plane ticket home so that I can go back to my summer job there. I am really quite sick of his selfishness. It doesn't help that I recently went off Effexor (for depression and anxiety); I am wondering of the Effexor just made me patient enough to deal with all his crap. I am literally screaming at him two or three times a week. I just feel exhausted, like I am done hauling him out of bed for church, done telling him to stop playing video games on Sundays, done telling him to work more hours to support us, done defending the amount of work I do around the house while he's sitting on his butt. He claimes to be sick about three days every week, which usually leads to skipping church and missing at least one day of work each week (mind you, working every day means he's only working about 16 hours a week right now). I don't know that I want to divorce him. If he could just grow up and stop expecting me to be his mom, then I would love him again. As it is, I have no interest in having children with him. I do not want my children to grow up and be like him; not to mention that I don't want to have to take care of a child in addition to taking care of him! We've been to counseling (where I felt bad, b/c the counselor was always telling my husband that he needed to shape up), and the only time my husband actually shapes up is after I tell him that I am going to leave. Then he shapes up for a couple week, just long enough for me to change my mind. Sorry about the novel. I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like I can go to my friends or family about this because I spent so long defending my choice to marry him, and if I decide to stay with him then I don't want them to see my marriage that way. We're meeting with our new bishop tonight about his past addiction and our current goal to be sealed in the temple is August (which I am secretly not so sure I want to do), and I might bring up this problem with him. I am just so afraid that my husband will change long enough to change my mind. I don't want that sort of cycle to continue for the rest of my life. I love him, on some level I know I do, I just don't think that I want to spend the rest of my life with a man that is acting to selfish and lazy. I don't think he can change (my father never did) and I won't be sealed to or have children with who he is now. Does anyone have some sort of experience that can help me here? I feel so alone in this decision, but I also know that I can't be objective.
  6. I posted a few weeks ago about my husband having an affair and facing church discipline. Well things have taken some turns I didn't expect and while it seemed at first it seemed he was willing to do what he needed to, now he is questioning the truth of the church and whether we love each other enough to work things out. He has asked that I agree with him at this time that he needs to move out to fix himself and figure out what he wants. He wants to figure out what he believes and if his feelings are strong enough for me. I am really struggling with the separation thing. While I have to agree with him that I wish he could figure things out and hopefully come to have a testimony of the church I'm scared for him and for us. I feel hopeless and discouraged and can't seem to get rid of these feelings. I know I need to be strong for my kids and show him I can be strong. (My depression problems in the past have been a big issue with him). He's not going to want to come back to a depressed miserable person. How do I cope with everything? How do I lift myself up? When I've prayed I've been giving the feeling that I will be okay no matter what happens and that I need to have hope and there is great hope still for our relationship. But even knowing all this I can't seem to move on. It is affecting my work, my kids, everything. I can't stop thinking about everything. I feel like I am going crazy. Help!