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Found 64 results

  1. Squibbles

    No more love

    I don't know what to do. We have a temple marriage, going on 10 yrs. We have two young kids. It's just for the past several months especially I feel like I don't love my spouse anymore. I don't hate them; it's like being good friends with your roommate. I feel happier when it's just me and the kids. When they're around I feel indifferent, resentment, or irritated. I feel guilty about feeling this way. I've tried spending time with them without the kids, I've expressed frustration at working and still doing both the all the child-rearing, housework, and yardwork, while he only works and sleeps. It's been that way for the entire relationship. I do all the house while he will occasionally help (and feels proud for cleaning once a month), I do all the yardwork because he "has allergies" (I do too), I take care of the vehicles, bills, doctors, school. The only thing he does with the kids is watch a show or do a video game. We've talked about this before, and nothing ever changes or the change is temporary. Adding in the mix: I have depression and anxiety and he has ADD. Recently, he has done laundry and dishes for a week, and then expected everything to change and for me to want to be with him, got upset when I didn't want to. I haven't told him that I can't say "I love you" back because I don't feel honest saying it. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt the kids. I feel obligated to stay for my kid's sake, for my husband's feelings, for the church culture. I would be extremely embarrassed to mention this to the bishop. I don't really know him or feel comfortable around him. Part of me feels empty and not wanting to work on the marriage. What would you do?
  2. I have found, and I know girl friends of mine have found as well, that there are more married men of the church on church targeted online dating sites (or hitting on single girls on Facebook or instagram) than there should be. I am not really big into the online dating scene and already I have come across a handful. Some of them are "separated but just not finished with the divorce preceedings," some have not even started them. Some have been forthcoming. Some have not. The excuses would blow you away. I guess I was lucky I was raised to know that if you go through a divorce you don't date until after it's final. Guess not everyone was raised that way. What's a good way to let these men know that in unacceptable?
  3. So my husband and I got married about 2 years ago, but since September of last year, we have been separated. My husband has been dealing with some difficult mental health issues and always felt he couldn’t bring it up with me because I struggle with my own mental health and he felt the need to protect me. It just kind of came to a head one day and he moved back home with his parents. It took me by complete shock and it was really hard. However, I’ve seen a lot of good out of this. A lot of personal growth for both of us, and even financial situations we wouldn’t have been able to handle had we not been separated. But still, we have not yet been able to work things out. We have both prayed and worked so hard on trying to fix our communication issues and help get us both into a better place mentally. I’m 10x better mentally than I was almost a year ago. And while we were still in therapy our communication did really improve. But my husband’s mental state has not changed much, although it is somewhat better. He is afraid to get on medication, so that’s not really helping. But even with all this it had seemed to be going really well and looking up until May, when he told me he was mentally and emotionally exhausted and couldn’t do it anymore. The thing is, he doesn’t want to get divorced. Neither do I. We both love each other very much. But he doesn’t see how we can fix things, and sometimes I fall into that frame of thinking too. But the thing that is most unsettling and stressful about this whole situation is that we get completely opposite revelation. What he has been feeling is that marriage is hard, but not meant to be this hard, and he needs to take a step back. Yet I am constantly told that I need to keep fighting and trying. Every time I get discouraged, an old friend says something so perfectly applicable to how I’m feeling, something they couldn’t possibly know, that encourages me to keep trying, or I read a scripture or article that humbled me and helps me to trust in God’s revelation that He has given to me. But it is terrifying to know how different our revelation is. It doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t help us progress, and it just hurts both of us because we have no idea what to do. How do we navigate this trial together when he feels he needs to stop trying and I feel that I need to keep going? Why would God send us such different revelations? Am I just crazy? If anyone has had a similar experience or has some advice, please let me know. I miss him, and I’m scared not knowing what’s going to happen. Also I always feel weird about asking things on here, so bear with me if I’m edging around things. If you need me to clarify just let me know.
  4. I am a new member who is discussing marriage with my current boyfriend who is a member. He is civilly divorced with 1 child. He is still sealed to his ex wife. I have some questions and concerns about the fact that he can't unseal from his ex wife. Everything I read online is very conflicting. Some say he can unseal, some say no, some say he needs permission from his ex wife, some say one of them needed to either be abusive or commit adultery for an unsealing. I have also read that if he gets a 'clearance' and we are married in the temple, then I will only be married to him for a time and he will be with his ex wife for eternity. This is bothersome to hear, as I wish to be with him for eternity and for any children we have to be with him as well. I have also read that a lot of people don't understand the feelings of a 2nd wife being concerned about him being sealed to two women and for the 1st wife to keep the blessings when she broke the covenant of remaining married to her husband. It is not natural for any woman to feel comfortable with the thought of their husband being tied (married, sealed, connected) with two women for eternity. Forgive me, but isn't multiple marriages no longer practiced and accepted within the church? Also, if the ex wife wishes to be with him for eternity and they are still sealed, but he wants to be with me and not her, who does God say yes to? He can't say yes to both. Everyone says, God will not force you to be with someone but how does that work when she is asking God to be with him? If she asks to be rejoined to her ex husband, am I then cast aside? If the ex wife and my boyfriend never get back together, then they are breaking their covenant under God and therefore, how would she receive the highest blessings by remaining sealed to him? All of this is very confusing and disheartening. I am still learning and don't fully comprehend scripture on this matter. Any insight and clarification would be appreciated. Especially from any woman who deals with the hard place of 2nd wife. Thank you!
  5. So long story short. We were married for 7 years. She’s already filed for divorce. It was just one argument/fight too many and she snapped. She filed for divorce a week ago from today. No children between us. We were making plans to have kids, to move out of the apartment and buy a house. Then a little time later, the incident occurs and then divorce 3 months later. Incident = the argument that lead to a short fight. We became quiet for a few days. She brought it up again and I stone-walled and she snapped. (now you can jump to the last paragraph) When the incident happened, she became a completely different person, full of disdain toward me and didn’t want to go to counseling or anything. Only went to the bishop with me to tell him she wanted out because she didn’t love me anymore. For 2 months I cried and pleaded her to stay. I knew I had anger/communication issues and that was what made her snap. Other things contributed too, but that’s in more detail below. The incident happened in October and she kept saying she was indecisive. In December was the month we separated. We agreed for 4 weeks and could make it longer or reconcile by January’s beginning with couples therapy (though she was against it). But as soon as the 4 weeks were over, she blocked me on fb and over the phone told me that her decision was divorce. As much as I had any chance to speak to her through the 3 months,(since she was avoiding communication with me) she kept trumping every debate with “it’s my choice”. I couldn’t challenge that, not even God could. I told and showed her my efforts of changing and that I was going to the counselor to gain more than just visiting bishop alone. She’d say, “that’s good and I recognize that you are changing, but it’s too late, and I’ve made my choice” She simply did not care for anything anymore and became extremely hard-hearted. Some of her arguments were that, She didn’t want to go to couples therapy because we’ve already done many sessions of counseling and bishop visits in the past years and things did not change. Or that I’ve sat you down and spoken to you about these issues. Which is true, but me being the foolish husband I was, didn’t think it was that serious at the time and that over a few more years, we’d be polishing these things out naturally. She debated that it should’ve been polished out by the 3rd or 4th year of our marriage, and not fight or argue anymore. I pleaded with her and said that many couples still argue, though slightly, while in their 60s or 70s. yet we can accomplish complete unity much earlier than that, but year 7 was still work in progress. She didn’t agree. Around Christmas, she went to spend about 2 weeks with her family 3 hours north (this was during the December separation). So at home alone, I found her “5 love languages book” and read it cover to cover. I even read parts of “Helping and Healing our Families” and “Strengthening our Families” both based off the Family Proclamation. They are both great books of instruction and understanding. It opened my mind up so much to my rotten reactions and it’s psychological effects on my wife. There were so many gems that if followed, would turn any home into a temple. She didn’t care about the 5 Love languages, and called it BS and that it never worked on me. I pointed out that it did, because I had noticed a change in her before the incident made her snap. I said I knew something was different about her but I didn’t know what. I had never read the book and took the Idea before as goofy. But after reading the book with the state of mind I had now, I understood what she was going through, or doing for me. I tried to console her that the book stated the same thing that our prophets and apostles would teach about a marriage at the brink of divorce, that if we worked together to bring it back, it becomes an even stronger relationship never to become weary again. She didn’t care to believe me or dare to even give it a try. She was against everything, even saying “why would I want to come back to a husband I hate?” Some of my faults were that I wasn’t intimate enough with her. She said that we were living like roommates and weren’t spending time together. Though I thought that things were actually fine. In some fights, I would say harsh things, but only, and only in the height of my emotions. Never have or would I say anything of that hurtful nature in regular arguments or everyday conversations, at all. Nor did I think it. Didn’t use vulgar language either. Just harsh criticism that I’m ashamed to mention more of. The worst thing about me is that I would shut down in fights and be emotionally distant for a few days. I would just go quiet and as John Gottman describes, would stone-wall her (another thing I learned going through this ordeal) This is what would give her that psychological pain, where she had no idea how to get me to respond or had all kinds of racing bad thoughts. In my mind I thought that I was saving a bad fight from getting worse or longer, and didn’t want to continue. But she was mentally struggling since she needed responses from me. I had no idea what she was going through. Though now I do. When the incident made her snap, she ended up cutting her emotional connection with me and in a sense, stone-walled me. That was the point when she gave up. But didn’t say anything to me for nearly 7 days, and I was freaking out of my mind, wanting a response from her, but I kept my cool too, not wanting to bring the fight up again. On the 7th day she turned to me and said we need to talk, and I just burst out, “yes we do please” (feeling all scared inside) This was when I realized what I had been putting her through for the past few years. She didn’t stone-wall me as a “taste of your own medicine” treatment, but she was simply done and disconnected her feelings and emotions from me. Essentially abandoning the relationship that October. We didn’t fight/argue all the time, we had many more good times too. But if the fights went long enough, then would I get to that point of shutting down, though otherwise, we’d solve the issue. But that was another thing she didn’t like – when I did stone-wall, the issue was not resolved and pushed away. Now that I know what my behavior truly resonates, I am absolutely adamant to NEVER do it again, to anyone, period. I’ve finally learned that part of my behavior and words are considered to be psychological and emotional abuse. Never in the world thought I to be capable and guilty of such things. The more I read from the books and googled the principles, the more I realized my words, acts an effects. Though not to extreme levels of some crazy abusive families, I had been unaware of what little I was doing. Crying as I type this, I hate myself so so much for being like this and wish I learned better earlier. She is/was the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life. And if I just swallowed my pride long enough and apologized more often while following her humble pleadings, our relationship would’ve been superb by now. I wish the earth would just open up and swallow me out of existence. I’m so ashamed of myself, and my good parents, and wonderful friends that respected me. I so humbly tried my best to apologize and plead for her loving forgiveness and her return. But the divorce is in process and as I observe her with her friends and family, she hasn’t a care in the world of letting me go. Multiple times, she said she’ll forgive me someday, but that she’ll surely never coming back. It seemed like no one could or even would do anything. Even the counselor she was seeing was not a member, though a Christian and is a “marriage/family” counselor, I don’t know what she was feeding my wife. I made her my counselor too, but she didn’t seem to be interested in helping me gain my wife back. Sadly I’ve read many places online that counselors these days only care about their client’s “personal” happiness regardless if it dissolves a marriage or not. I can’t verify this. But according to the counselor, she said that my wife was “losing hope”(I learned of this while 2 mths of pleading my wife to stay and professed my resolved to change my communication), but there may still be a chance. I know that we can’t take other people’s free agency away, but I was hoping that a church leader could encourage some type of reconciliation workshop for the relationship before resorting to divorce. The bishop seemed cornered when she said it was her choice. Seemed the best he could do was send us Uchtdorf’s talk about “In Praise of those who save” which also had gems of marriage redemption. And I considered myself guilty of nearly every vice of pride in the first paragraph of “Set aside pride” section of the talk. I’m doing what I can to repent. But I cannot prove my change in word and deed to a ghost. But as much as I admitted my mistakes and that I now know better in being a more supportive husband, She remained cold. Much of the counsel that brethren from the church has given me is to give her some time after the divorce to let her remember the good times. And perhaps approach her again. Another in church though we weren’t compatible (but I don’t believe in soul mates at all). And most others have advised me that she’s been suffering for a while contemplating the idea, and has now executed it, so let her go and move on. My parents and a coworker understood my incredible heartache for her. They said that it was because she was my first (and only) girlfriend who became my wife. Dating in college I dated girls once or twice before letting them go. Never got serious. Nor did I date in High school. But she was special and I know I couldn’t let her go. I know that I’ve faulted in several ways that have become negligent of her, or taking our sealing for granted. But I’ve awoken from my prideful slumber and am trying to turn my world back right-side up, and nothing is working. Frighteningly, she does not seem to be the same woman I knew just days prior to the incident. There is so much more I could share. But I think this is long enough for now. If you have other questions I could try to answer it for you. Please, if there is anyone out there with some way to help me gain back the Goddess I once took for granted, I will be forever in your debt. Please anyone. Yes there were bad times, but is outweighed by the good times which were extremely memorable and I loved spending time with her, hearing her laugh at my jokes while grocery shopping, or looking for Christmas/birthday gifts for family, walking through the mall, and visiting other members and having dinner with them, and talking about deep doc with her. I’ve pictured our lives and future children together for the longest time, and it would kill me to think that she’s preparing herself to seek and seal herself to another. Please, if anyone has stories of how something in my state can be redeemed, I’d love to hear it.
  6. I found my husband’s emotional affairs 20 months ago. Never thought he was capable of doing such a thing. Since he was too ashamed to admit some truth and/or he erased the memories because of the ashamed and regrets, I didn’t get the full pictures at the beginning. I’m very analytical person so I needed to have full disclosures in order to accept what had happened, who he was those one year with two girls in separate duration, to move on. But he couldn’t give me that, the most important steps to trust. Even it’s been 20 months since I discovered, I found some more lies and I’m so exhausted trying to get out of this nightmares and sadness. i have been searching how the atonement of our savior can help me heal my pain but none can help me so far. It’s not the matter of forgiving my unfaithful mate. It’s me healing that I am struggling with because I’m so sad. I found another lie, he totally denied, last week. I can’t keep doing this anymore. He is away from home for his work and I told him it was over this time. He has been trying hard to mend our relationship but when these lies surface, I go back to 20 months ago and make me think that everything he says and does are not true because I don’t know him anymore. Bishop knows and we are meeting with him periodically. His affairs are still not in public including our 22 years old daughter. I’ve been trying hard to stay with him to protect her from going through the same nightmare as I am going through because she has anxiety issue. Help me understand how the atonement can help people who got betrayed. And if you have any thoughts on in-house separation.
  7. I honestly don’t know how to start this, I’m not even sure why I’m here. I guess I’m just looking for some hope in this situation. So in the beginning of September, my husband asked me to call him after I got off work, and he told me he had left. We’d been married a little over a year at that point, and while it wasn’t perfect, I thought our marriage was solid and had potential to become even better with time and dedication. But unfortunately, behind everything that seemed great, my husband had been struggling terribly with depression. And he never felt like he could talk to me about it. And there’s a few contributing factors to that, my communication when he would open up to me would often leave him feeling bad for asking because I would express that I felt like I was a bad wife because I couldn’t help him more (I have some self esteem issues with that, and it’s kinda how my parents would communicate with me, so it’s a learned behavior that I've been trying to get out of for a while), or because he always felt like he needed to come to my rescue because I have depression and anxiety as well. And while it may have been really bad during the beginning of our relationship, I had felt like I had gotten more control over that part of my life since then. But regardless, this is about him. He admits that most of the fault there lies on him for just not communicating to me earlier how he felt, but all of those feelings eventually accumulated one day and he just broke and moved back in with his parents. It was a huge shock for me, and still is. Here’s the problem- We don’t want to get divorced. But we both see this situation so differently. He feels that he needs to work on himself right now and that he won’t be in a state to be in a relationship for a long time. He has said that when he prays, he gets the feeling that we’re meant to be together, but he can’t be with me right now or we aren’t meant to be together as a married couple. And he doesn’t want to do counseling, because he feels and has heard from other people that couples counseling is just us talking to each other while a therapist acts as the referee (which is probably sometimes the case, but not necessarily). On my side of things, however, after my pleadings with the Lord and visits to the temple and priesthood blessings, etc, all I can feel is that 1. Our marriage was not a mistake, 2. To not get divorced, but we do need this time to be separate and I to just be a friend and support to him, and 3. Just keep fighting. The first two things, I get for the most part. But I’m having such a hard time fighting and remaining hopeful. We still see each other a lot, we work at the same place, go to the same Star Wars role playing game every Friday, and have recently agreed to meet up at least to get food and chat once a week. But I can feel us drifting and that scares me to my core. He says he feels good just being friends for now, that he likes having my support. And I can see it helping him. And he still loves me, he still breaks down about how terrible he feels that all of this is happening, how he wishes he felt like he could come back but just doesn’t. And he’s being more honest with me than he’s ever been, which is nice. But I don’t want us to become “just friends”. We both had powerful feelings that we were meant to marry each other before we got married, I imagined a future together and he would get revelatory dreams of what our kids would look like and how happy they’d make us. Neither of us want to become just friends, but it seems like he’s resigned himself to that being the only option because he is so depressed, and I’m left to be the only one to carry all the hope. But I’m terrified. We’ve been apart for almost 2 months now and it just feels worse and worse. I feel like I’m losing hope more and more each day. And I can’t force him to come back, I dont want to. I want him to feel ready to, I don’t want to make him feel like he needs to hide his feelings again. I guess what I’m asking here is if anyone has gone through anything similar, and if it worked out, how it worked out. I get the feeling that if I hang on, we can work it out, but that depends on things I can’t control so much that I don’t know what to believe. So I guess if anyone has any advice or hope to give me, it would be really welcome.
  8. I'm looking for guidance or help or general support. My husband went through a life crisis about 4 years ago. A few really hard things happened on his life and he didn't handle it well. as a reaction, he claims he doesn't believe in God and has no faith. I married him in the temple. We both were strong, active returned missionaries. We both married agreeing on living a life in the Church. We have 3 kids, and my husband doesn't do anything with regards to church. He refuses to use his priesthood. He hasn't been to the temple in a few years. What do I do with this??? He is anti-God and claims he doesn't believe in Christ, the Atonement or anything to do with God.
  9. Last night my husband and I were up talking late. He suddenly confessed to me that he has been hurting my 5 month old daughter. He said it has happened maybe 10 or 11 times over the past five months, and that it was things like pinching, smacking/slapping, etc. Nothing sexual or shaking or anything. He said the last time he did it was a 3 or so weeks ago. He told me he was telling me now because he couldn’t live with himself anymore and was dying because of the guilt and shame. He told me he mostly does it to get a rise out of her because he likes to bring her down from her crying. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO THINK OR DO. We have been married for almost two years (in the temple). He has never once been violent towards me in any way shape or form. I just feel sick over this. I don’t know what to do, don’t know who to talk to about it. The thought that he could have even laid a finger on my daughter makes me so upset I feel like the room is spinning. I told him he needed to go see the bishop and that we needed to look into counseling for him. I told him I love him and want to forgive but I don’t even know where to start. And I’m not even the victim! I love him so much, but I don’t know how to get over this. Please help me. Do I work towards forgiveness? Am I crazy to try and save this? Or do I end everything? I’m so scared and feel so alone. I don’t know the next step.
  10. I have been married for two years. About two months after we got married my husband started playing video games. I started dating him partly because he didn't play video games. Anyway we get home from work, eat and then he plays on his computer until midnight everyday. On Saturdays he doesn't come to bed until four or five in the morning. Another issue is that he can talk to his mom, sister, and best friends for hours. But when it comes to me we can only talk for about five minutes before he starts yelling. I'm sick of being yelled at and ignored. I know it's my fault. After we got married I found out that having kids will be very difficult. That's hard to find out in the Mormon culture. I've had three surgeries so far and still a long road ahead before we finally get to the point where I will have a 60 percent chance of carrying a baby full term. It's hard on me, but I know it's hard on him too, and maybe having and telling is just how he is getting through it. Ignoring me is easier than dealing with our issues. I stopped trying which finally got him to notice me. So now he is trying (which usually only lasts a week or so). But after each time he starts trying and I forgive him, he goes right back to ignoring me. Each time the ignoring part of it pattern lasts longer. I don't want to give him the ability to keep hurting me like that. Maybe it's better to end things now before kids are in the mix. Maybe it would be easier to be a single Mormon who can't have kids than a married one who can't. Then he would have the chance to meet and marry a girl who can give him what he needs because I just can't.
  11. A little background about me: I was born into the church to a single mom. We were inactive until I was about 7, and by this time my mom had married my stepdad. I got baptized at 8. We moved out of state when I was 16 and my parents became inactive, which made my young siblings become inactive. I quickly fell to inactivity as well. My marriage story: Six years ago at 17 I met my now husband, who was not a member. I broke the law of chastity with him while we dated. We got married when I was 18, and he is 7 years older- we had dated for a year. Although I did love him, I also felt like I HAD ago marry him since I'd slept with him, feeling guilty due to my upbringing in the church. I honestly was not totally ready for marriage but I convinced myself I was. Plus my parents were about to move out of state again and I would not "shack up" with a boyfriend so I rushed the marriage even more. I wasn't sure he was totally ready either, but it later seemed he just acted like he was to not disappoint me. Our first year married was tumultuous. He was from another country and a much more traditional culture: women were responsible for all housework, cooking, and child rearing. I was 18, so I was taking college classes and I worked full time but was still expected to take on the home responsibilities. This caused a lot of tension and fighting, as I felt I was being treated unfairly. He made much more money than I did and often felt justified by that and his upbringing. I am impatient and can be sassy but he would be pretty cruel in his words. He often drank. It wasn't unusual for him to get drunk, although he knew I hated it- this also caused fights. He often accused me of cheating while not at home- more fighting. Three holes had to patched up in doors/walls at our first apartment. He was a good man despite these issues and never physically hurt me but our tempers and stubbornness did a lot of emotional/verbal damage to each other and it was clear we had not prepared for marriage properly as far as actually doing it for the right reasons and having certain important discussions before rushing into it. He seemed ready for divorce in the first year, and I was miserable too, but I didn't want divorce and always tried to end problems quickly, but he just wanted things done on his own terms. A year after marriage I got pregnant. At 20 I had our child. I thought this would mostly fix our issues. In some ways it did, but bad things continued as stress increased and sleep decreased. I developed a mild-moderate post partum depression and felt numb to most things, and had no motivation for anything besides my child's well being. Our fights were still ongoing. We faced crippling financial issues which seemed to fuel many fights, along with housework and cooking not being done due to being an exhausted and depressed first-time mom. I started to think he may be cheating, too. In some fights he even said he was only here for the baby. A friend invited me back to church soon after I had my child, so I went. I started going regularly and had my child blessed. My husband was never against the church, but worked every Sunday and did not care to go out of his way to attend. I was a stay-at-home mom for two years and continued to attend church, sometimes missing a week, but not enough to be inactive again. The same relationship issues were happening. I sought help from the bishop's first counselor, who referred us to a marriage counselor from LDS Family Services- the ward funds paid for part of it and we set up monthly payments for the rest. Our counselor helped us be very honest and open about our feelings. At this point I was burned out by the marriage and did not have much desire to continue it. Things would temporarily improve in specific areas that the counselor had us work on, but old habits would come back quickly and ruin what we'd seemingly patched. I honestly felt more of a best friend type of love than a romantic type of love towards him- for some reason I also didn't feel very attracted to him anymore (he didn't physically change or anything like that) but I didn't share any of this. I spoke about how I wanted a sealed, active family and that I felt I'd never have it with him. He offered to start coming to church, and he did, but I could tell he didn't understand just how important this was to me. He's the type that goes on Sundays but doesn't make it his lifestyle. I wanted an LDS-lifestyle in my marriage and I needed a companion who could help keep me in check, and we could keep each other motivated & accountable. It seemed clear that this wouldn't happen, even though he enjoyed going on Sundays and attending ward functions. Towards the end of our sessions it seemed I grew less and less motivated to continue the marriage and my husband became more motivated. In one of the last sessions, the counselor asked us to decide if we still had hope and would continue working on it, or if we'd lost all hope and would divorce. I knew what I wanted but didn't feel "justified" since there hadn't been physical abuse, abandonment, or known affairs. I had love for my husband but would feel awful. I was honest and said I was unhappy and felt hopeless. I didn't want to wait years on end to feel happiness from the marriage, or possibly never reach that point throughout my life in the marriage. My husband was shocked, since I'd not shared these feelings during the sessions- I had been hoping I'd suddenly have a revelation that would shut down my fears and figured I shouldn't hurt anyone's feelings, if mine were going to change anyways. I also thought about my son, who'd live in broken home if divorce happened. I went home with every intention of it being over. My husband was angry and hurt, and I felt bad, but I also felt free after declaring my decision. He very rarely cries but he did. I told him that I still loved/cared for him and thought he was a wonderful father and that I wanted him to remain active in our child's life and to be a good role model. I was worried he may resort to drinking again. He said he couldn't promise that he wouldn't resort to his old ways. This worried me greatly. I didn't want that for him or for my child. Something in him switched and the very next day he was cleaning the house, cooking, etc. It was obvious he was trying to win me over. I appreciated it, but in my mind it didn't change everything I felt, or the lack thereof. This continued for a couple weeks. We awkwardly avoided the divorce conversation but it became an unspoken decision that I wouldn't pursue divorce any longer, although I can't say that anything really changed in me. He took missionary discussions that summer (two years ago) and got baptized. This was great, of course, but I still longed for the LDS-lifestyle with my husband that I truly wanted since I was a youth. I thought about the missionaries (who were my age) and how spiritually mature they were and how much it appealed to me in a man. I had big doubts about whether my husband could/would ever get there. He had to work many Sundays so he was just partially active with attendance. However he'd quit coffee, hadn't had alcohol even for awhile before missionary discussions, and tried to read the scriptures. The scripture reading and daily praying didn't last long, which didn't surprise me. His consistency isn't the best. This only made me more discouraged about having the marriage/family that I wanted and felt I really needed. Later that fall I started my first job since motherhood; it was full-time and I found a lot of fulfillment there. For over a year everything at home stayed the same. We didn't really fight anymore. If we had a disagreement he often just backed down and diffused it right away but nothing was ever really resolved either. It was just an at-least-we're-not-fighting-anymore numbness. I continued to have a lack of romantic love for him but no heart or courage to say anything or to just end it. I didn't want to hurt him or our nearly 3 year old. We didn't tell each other we loved each other. We've continued to have sex (although not as often as when we were dating or as newlyweds) but I often hid that I really didn't want to do it. (He would never force me, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings with constant rejection.) He would kiss me on the cheek or forehead sometimes but I wouldn't kiss him. I didn't want to hold his hand, hug, or cuddle. I truly felt like he was just a close friend and actually felt awkward being physically intimate in any way with him. I interpreted this as not being in love with him anymore, if we ever truly were. This last fall we got into an argument before I went to see a girlfriend of mine. It seemed to be okay by the time I left. I got back home and he took off to hang out with friends. He came home nearly at 3am and was very drunk. I was shocked and disgusted. I told him to sleep on the couch. It brought back so many terrible memories from the past and I immediately felt like I wanted this marriage to end and prayed to know what to do. Worried he'd lost all his cash or may damage his car/himself, I searched his pant pockets to hold onto his wallet and keys in case he tried to leave again. In one pocket I found a small 3-count box of condoms- but there were only two inside. It was as if this was an immediate answer to my prayer. I was devastated by the betrayal. Even through my feelings I had, I would never cheat. He was passed out so I texted him that it was over. I was so distraught that I called off work the next day- how long had he been doing this? The next day he came to me and swore the condoms were from a moving box that was still in his truck (we'd just moved in with my grandma) and that he'd taken them out to bring inside. I honestly didn't know what to believe. He's a very loyal person, I thought, but I also thought back on a couple of fishy situations involving other women that happened before we got married and felt increasingly doubtful he was being truthful now. For a couple weeks I lived in total discomfort. I felt filthy sleeping next to him. I only really spoke with him when it came to childcare arrangements. He kept saying we needed to talk but I was too angry and upset. Finally he cornered me in the living room and begged me to talk. He wanted to know what was going to happen from here. He'd already made an appointment with a lawyer for himself. He said he was going to move out right away. I said this was a bad idea since we were tight on money and that he should stay in the spare room while we figure things out. He just wanted to leave, feeling weird that we'd be separated and still living together at my grandma's house. He then brought up our child. He was afraid I'd take our nearly 3 year old away from him. I assured him I would never do that, not having had a close relationship with my own biological father due to distance. I shared my concerns about our child being in an less-than-ideal environment if my husband became inactive in church, took up drinking again, had women over, etc. He made it seem as though that was "just too bad" because divorce was what I wanted. By the end of the talk, he begged me for another chance. I explained what I'd said before: I don't want to wait indefinitely for happiness. It was clear to me that we were not even in love with each other anymore. He said that we could fix it and that if it wasn't better by the end of the year we could get divorced if I wanted to. I told him I didn't want to try anymore but if he really felt this strongly about maybe changing my mind about this marriage, I'd let him try. It's now been 9 months since then. My grandma passed away two months ago and that took a big toll on me, and still does. We attend the ward I was born into and the ward my grandma had been in for nearly 50 years. That part feels right. I've been promoted at work and things are going great there. In the marriage we're back to where we were nearly two years ago. Comfortable and not really fighting, but still I have a lack of romantic feelings. I'm not "miserable" or necessarily "unhappy" because other big things in my life are going fine, but my marriage doesn't bring me happiness. I still don't hold his hand, hug or cuddle with him. I still don't kiss him. I still don't really want to have sex with him, although I do in order to spare his feelings. Physical intimacy in any form feels so awkward, probably because I feel we aren't in love or are even heading down that path. I don't see an eternal companion with my husband. He attends church as often as possible but again I don't see the priesthood leader that I want and need in a husband. He's been a member for two years and it seems he still doesn't have a strong testimony or a strong grasp of the gospel. Spiritual maturity is just not there. I'm only 23 now but I feel time is escaping me so quickly. He is a great man and has truly made great changes but I can't help but feel he is just not the one for me. I feel like we've just crammed a square into a circle but that it will eventually pop out, and I don't want to wait until this happens in order to move on. We haven't been sealed yet, either, and I'm definitely not pushing for it while being so unsure of this marriage. I think of how life would continue after a divorce: when I remarry, will my "ex" allow our child to be sealed to me and my new spouse? Will my "ex" even stay active in the church? Will my child become inactive if my "ex" does and doesn't have support & encouragement from both parents? Will we still attend the same sacrament meetings together for awhile? I'm so overwhelmed by this and want a clear answer. I have prayed many times about it over the last 3 years but don't feel I've ever received a clear answer, or maybe I'm just not in tune with the spirit the way I need to be. I'm consumed with guilt over my feelings and haven't told my husband or anyone else. I'm at a loss and just don't know what to do. I will continue to pray about it but I've never been great at finding answers to my prayers and am not really sure how to do so. I'm willing to wait til the end of the year to have a sure answer, but until then, this is so hard on me and I'm really not sure what to do. Any constructive advice or related experiences are welcome.
  12. I'm confused on this topic. I married my wife in the temple but then we divorced a number of years later. I believe we would still have our eternal marriage in place since the civil divorce is not a divorce of the eternal marriage. The divorce was not because of any adultery or anything like that, basically a lack of communication. If we were still attempting to revive the relationship after a divorce and have not been with anyone else, would sex with each other be a sin? I understand that it is okay for Catholics to have sex with their former spouses after a civil divorce as long as they haven't been with anyone else. How does this work for Mormons?
  13. SweetJester

    Dating before divorce?

    I think I am posting in the right area. I didn't know whether to post in the Singles area, since I am not really..? A bit of background info: I was baptized when I was 21 and left the church not long after. I married a non member and we ended up separating in Dec. 2007 after over 5 years of marriage (no kids). I met a wonderful, active LDS man (I'll call him M) in Sept. 2008 when we were both on holidays in Europe. I truly believe we were meant to meet and he feels the same. We fell hard for each other and kept in touch ever since (we live 4000 km's apart and in different countries)! LOL We get together when we can, talk all the time and it is going great! I returned to the church in Dec. 2008 and am feeling confident and happy about being back. I know that even without this amazing guy that I would stay a part of the church, I have my testimony back and am thankful. My problem is this: I am still not technically divorced! Everything is in motion towards that (of course M knows about this). It could possibly take until summer until the divorce is finalized, possibly sooner. I have prayed about what to do regarding dating M while still technically married and I keep getting the feeling that I can proceed. M and I agree that once I am actually divorced we can plan a lot easier. Right now we are in the "exclusive to each other but lets keep it fairly quiet" stage. Our close friends know, and my family and they are all supportive. Are we doing the right thing? I know this is a silly question and I am not sure why its bothering me considering I have prayed about it and feel I am on the right path. Thanks for your help! ~SJ
  14. Blockmichael90

    HELP ME SAVE MY MARRIAGE

    Hello everyone I will make this brief as possible and I will take ANY advice that helps save my marriage. Im a recent convert, my wife (gf at the time) had me investigate and I chose to join. We have been together for 6 years married for 1. She is 23 I am 26. Since getting married she has been doubting whether she made the right decision. She tells me she's depressed and unhappy. I am a person who worries about everything. I worry one day she will cheat or lie. My worst nightmare became my reality yesterday when I found a picture of another mans (you know what) on her snap chat. She struggled to take her phone before I could get. I went into a rage. I yelled I screamed i told her hurtful things, the worst part is I grabbed her shoulder and push her away from me a couple times to keep her from taking her phone back. I am devastated. She is the woman I trust and love and our history is deep and eventful. She is the reason I wake up. I love her more than anything in this world and I left appalled Speech less and in more pain than I could ever explain. Her parents do not believe she had been chatting with the man and had asked for any pictures from him. I confronted the man and he went on to tell me they had flirted and she said "I wouldn't mind getting a picture" she never opened the Snapchat from him I'm assuming out of guilt but she knew it was there. After a lot of yelling and crying and some physical contact and her phone getting broke in the process she has left to her parents. She explained to them she doesn't know the man and he sent that unexpectedly. She lied to them to keep her innocent image with her family. I talked to her father and explained that I talked to the man and verified my wife encouraged him. She even told him she wasn't married. He went on to tell me I should believe my wife only. EVEN THOUGH I CAUGHT HER red handed and confirmed this with the guy. I'm devastated she has left me and is moving out. She doesn't expect we will be together and I'm now feeling rather suicidal. Please help me anyone.
  15. Doctrinal question from something that came up in a discussion I was in the middle of: In talking about who can be a Bishop it was brought up that a divorced fellow can’t be a Bishop. I didn’t know this or I had forgotten. I looked in the church handbook (Callings in the Church and it doesn’t specifically address this but it references a scripture passage in 1 Timothy (1 Timothy 3 ) and it says one of the qualifications is “the husband of one wife”. Is this portion of the scripture interpreted to mean not divorced? I guess that to me could mean several things, but the Lord’s interpretation is all that matters. Anyway, then someone asked if this included a man who had a marriage annulled? Is an annulment considered the same as a divorce in the eyes of the Lord and/or the Church?
  16. happygolucky

    Sealing clearance

    Hey guys! So right now I’m in the process of trying to get married. My fiancé is divorced and was married in the temple over a year ago - BUT the sealing has been canceled and she is already remarried in the temple. We submitted our request for our sealing clearance over a month ago and I haven’t heard anything yet. I’ve tried asking my bishop and even calling church headquarters and still have gotten no kind of answers as to how long it may take. I had thought maybe we were going to get lucky and not have to wait a super long time because of the sealing already being cancelled, but I’m starting to think not so much. If anyone has any experience with this I would love to hear from you. Thanks!!
  17. Hello, I am new here. I've read a few threads here and feel like people here are mostly kind and non judgemental, which is what I need. My husband and I have been married 19 years. In the beginning it was a fairy tale romance like I'm sure so many are at first. But our marraige over the course of 15 years or so, slowly began to deteriorate. A big theme was I felt a lack of affection from him, and he thought I nagged too much. But I wasn't aware of any major problems, until one day I found out he was involved in an emotional affair with a family friend, from church no less. I pretty much lost it. I was also 5 months pregnant which didn't help the raw emotions. My husband wasn't very apologetic for a while, insisting he never touched her, so technically he didn't do anything wrong. I mean, he would sometimes aplogize, but my anger probably hindered a super sincere apology. And there was some occasional communication between them for a while after which was like ripping a scab off over and over. It drove a huge wedge between us. He would tell me he didn't mean to fall in love with her, it just happened, but it was over and I needed to get over it. Which made me furious beyond words. I was angry for several months but eventually accepted it, that it was behind us. FF a year and he was still telling me he wasn't sure of his feelings for me anymore since he realized with her what it was like to feel 'in love' again. I really wanted to punch him but mostly I got angry or cried. I had a new baby and hormones, etc... it sucked. But I put my energy into my little newborn. Well, as this drug on, I became more miserable. I lost all my baby weight and then some because I couldn't eat. I got very thin, to the point people went from compliments to concern. He told me because of how I treated him after his EA, he didn't know if he could love me again. I admit I was angry. I lashed out more than once. I wish I could've handled it better. Then I met with my life insurance agent one day. And for some reason I started telling him what was going on. I figured, not someone in my circle, but maybe I could finally have a listening ear. Turns out things weren't so great with his wife either which he readily admitted. Next thing I know we are texting and he was moving fast, telling me how beautiful I was, yadayadayada. I know. I should've known. I should've stopped. But the attention felt like a cold drink of water and I felt powerless to stop. Long story short, I didn't stop till it was too late. We didn't have intercourse, but we didn't stop very short of it either. It went on for a few months before I pulled my head out of my, you know. Then life sucked worse than before. I went to my bishop, told my husband, and my world got a whole lot darker. I felt good ending things and coming clean. But obviously I was looking for love in the wrong places and it was awful telling my husband what I did. I felt like the scum of the earth. Still struggling with those feelings of worthlessness and forgiving myself. I learned the hard way how painful breaking the commandments is and would rather die than do something so stupid again. And, its scary how easily it happened because I am so 'not that kinda girl', only I was for a few months. Now, 2 years later, he's decided he wants to leave. He thought he could make it work for a while there, but had decided he needs to move on and, I guess like he says, he is fully justified since I committed adultery and he did not. I know I have no one to blame but myself, but I'm also pretty sure I never would have got into that mess if he hadn't gotten involved with someone else and told me he didn't love me anymore, etc etc. My concern is that maybe he's right and it is all my fault...i just don't know how anyone can love me again after what I did and that scares me immensely. So, I was hoping for some thoughts and perspective here. How do you forgive yourself when you see the worst in yourself? I've never made any big mistakes in my life, then I go and do that. There aren't words for how awful I feel about it. But at the same time, I also have to figure out how to pick up and move on. And somehow I have to live wth what I did and still love myself. I just don't know how. Any one else here had to forgive themselves of something so major and how did you do it?
  18. Hi all- hoping for some advice and I'll start with background info- I'm a new member that has struggled with the WOW and investigated the church when I met my BF(now husband) -When we met my husband also struggled with WOW and was a somewhat-repentant struggling RM. Basically I got baptized a year later and then we got civilly married. Once we were married it was hard, because my husband has been breaking the WOW while I was preparing for my baptism. So our problems stemmed from basically falling in love when neither of us were temple worthy. When we first started dating I was not a member and wanted to have sex with him, he caved in soon-so he had to repent for that and we stopped for awhile before we got married so he could Get back his priesthood. (Didn't have it before me for a little while-either) I didnt know about temple covenants and the importance of the law of chastity, WoW and the PH until I really started investigating before I got baptized. Flash forward and we have been married and we're both breaking the WOW for some time. Basically my husband is a good guy with a tough background and I'm also here as a result of difficult circumstances- but I just really really struggled. At the beginning of the year my husband started talking to his ex gf a lot because she broke the law of chastity and wanted a friend. But he had just finally started to clean up his act with the wOW and was waiting for me to do that too.. I've never been to the temple or gotten my blessing because I was just too sad and focused on our problems -didn't know to use the gospel to help us. And I think he was really depressed. Basically they started talking all the time and I found her to be fantasizing about my husband, literally. And meanwhile he wanted a divorce-but Didnt begin the process because he didn't have enough money to move out and his own car at the time. Blah. So I'm really being neglected at this point, ignoring all the guys that want my attention and I'm just having faith things will work out. He wasn't perfect but was expecting me to change instantly when I've already changed so much. The church IS for me and I'm a completely different person now- but obviously have a lot to do to improve my life. My husband is always mad, unhappy with me etc but uses me financially. I was too quiet about our problems in the beginning of our marriage, and now that he was really not approving of me, it was a little late to change his thinking about what he wanted. So he moves out on me finally before our one year anniversary and we keep fighting. he still needs me to take him to work, meanhwile he's emotionally invested in his ex gf and he repentance process trying to "help her" - but she as trying to visit him from out of state- coming to literally visit him only, and started telling him about her high sex drive and crap. Mind you- this girl is completely irrelevant to me, not cute and a total loser wanting attention- but I started to feel really angry that he was liking all her attention- since I was always focused on what I was doing wrong and not what he was doing to make things harder. So a few months ago I've been starting to move and I'm now out of state. I am here trying to get some space and hell myself by saving money. I visited him a few times and it's been good when I first arrive- but the closer I get To leaving town- he starts showing disapproval and how much he wants things to be over. I'm on a rollercoaster in our marriage. Always holding hope until recently- but now I'm mad I didn't just get an annulment. I love him more than anyone in the world and wanted to be sealed. It just has been tough for me as a new member never having the PH in our house and seeing how he handled things. I definitely should've just kept my baptismal covenants... but here is where my question lies. About 3 months ago (he moved out before this) I was visiting him, and was raped by a stranger. Long story but in the end, my husband ignored me and didn't talk to me for a month after that because of our marriage problems. He blocked me on Facebook too. That really hurt. Then he finally called me saying he had been praying, I went and saw him for 2 months and helped him with $$ and everything, but a few weeks ago when I was about to leave again, he started to be a jerk and saying he doesn't want to be married. I get out of town to where I'm staying and AGAIN he started ignoring me, going as far on thanksgiving to block me again on Facebook and then block me on the phone because I was telling him let's get this divorce- I don't want to be married to someone that doesn't know how to love uncondiontially when he makes mistakes and bad choices too. Basically im at a point now where I feel so far away from him and have no hope. We aren't in the divorce process yet because he's broke! So I'm stuck in this marriage and just decided last week to start hanging out with some guys and getting to know other people. But this guy ended up kissing me the other day and I'm really frustrated because I know I should have just been more careful and avoided being alone with anyone again. esoecially after having an adult male stranger sexually assault me months ago.. but I just wish that I had avoided that situation because even though nothing really happened I can feel that I don't want to be in that position again. I'm meeting with my bishop tonight. But I'd appreciate any insights into my situation and what to do. I want to stay married to my husband but he's just unhappy with himself so we aren't even talking. I feel alone and need to turn to God and get myself to the temple but it's definitely hard and I feel guilty for allowing myself to try hanging out with members of the opposite sex and not preventing an advance on me. I know from here I won't be spending any time with any men anymore, but I could use any advice and thoughts in this subject matter. Our separation has been going on for almost a year now but obviously there have been periods of trying to work on things and we have only been living separately for 6-7 months. Sorry for such a long story but this is hard- I love God and I just want a better relationship with him and myself. But don't know what to do about my marriage anymore. Stay strong and have more patience or push for the divorce to happen faster? Thank you for any input.
  19. ok so we get ppl coming here a lot looking for advise on their marriage. the same links get posted... usually cause even though the names and details have changed to protect the innocent the answers/story is still the same. so i thought we could have a thread not to discuss specific marriage problems but just links of good resources that can be referenced when the occassion arrises. they can be links to talks from the church leaders, different marriage/self help books or programs, websites, etc. so it's not really a discussion thread so much as a resources for your marriage thread. however, please throw in why you posted a specific talk or if you have read it and found it useful if you like. i'll start with ones i recommend or have seen recommended and yall can throw in as you see fit. first the church resources LDS Family Services lots of info there including how to find an lds counselor in your area. if finances are a problem speak with your bishop. another church location that may have some info you are looking for... Home & Family- Building a Strong Family outside of the church resources... remember most websites have free email news letters that can have awsome information. Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice this one has the book "his needs her needs" as well as others by the same author (willard f. harley, jr. ph.d) Marriage Counseling - Free Marriage Help – Save Marriage - Stop Divorce - Marriage Problem Solving (this one has a great free emails that come regularly) Pamper your LDS Marriage with a "Magnify Your Marriage" Retreat! this guy is lds in case that matters to you. Strengthening Marriage through Sexual Fulfillment this one is also lds and has a lot of focus on the sexual difficulties in marriage that may not be addressed in other resources. the movie "fireproof" and the book that inspired it "the love dare" often get suggested, here is the official site... Welcome To FireProofMyMarriage.com The Five Love Languages this one gets recommended a lot this one is also lds DeseretBook.com - For All Eternity that's all i can think of off the top of my head....
  20. Bini

    The "ex" relationship

    Every situation is different but I'm curious to see what the mainstream thought process here is. Assuming both parties remain on decent terms, what is a healthy and appropriate relationship between an ex-husband and ex-wife? And to what extent? Do you continue to celebrate or at the very least acknowledge birthdays? Do you continue to express appreciation on Mother's Day and Father's Day? Do you attend activities of mutual friends knowing that you will be mingling with your ex-significant other to some degree? Do you remain Facebook friends or stay connected via any other social media network? If yes to any of these, for how long do you do this and does committed courting or remarrying make a difference? And if you don't have children, does that change the scenarios?
  21. chelseacurranauthor

    Divorce and the Eternal Perspective in the LDS Church

    In January I submitted an article to Meridian Magazine at ldsmag.com titled Divorce and the Eternal Perspective in the LDS Church. Recently I looked through the comments and noticed most agreed it was very uplifting, and one...not so much. I didn't take offense at all. I know very well people have different perspectives and appreciate a certain voice when it comes to advice and comfort. My voice can only reach so far, but I'm hoping it reaches a bit further by posting it here. http://ldsmag.com/divorce-and-the-eternal-perspective-in-the-lds-church/
  22. I don't even know where to begin. I've been married almost 2 decades. The majority of that time has been pretty miserable. The only really truly happy time I remember in my marriage was in the first 2 years. My husband was a spiritual giant when we married. I loved that about him. Gradually, the spirituality has faded to the point where he does the bare, bare minimum at church, and he has become emotionally, verbally and in some ways sexually abusive. At least I think it's abuse. It all doesn't seem right for a husband to treat me the way he does. I would like to expound on more details, but I'm afraid he'll find out or something. I feel trapped in this marriage. I love him as the father of my kids, but I really don't like him very much. He's so mean to me sometimes. But not all the time. I never know what is going to set him off. And when he's mad, the insults, the namecalling, the F bombs just come out of his mouth like it means nothing to him. And then, he'll say "let's just end this. Neither of us is enjoying this." It's so deflating to hear that every few months. There are times when we're getting along, and we do have fun together, but it's always on his terms. If I mess up, or don't give him what he wants, then the nice guy is gone, and the claws come out and I'm left feeling beaten down and worthless. But, it's confusing, because it's inconsistent. So I am never sure when he'll be mad. Sometimes it's unreal how stupid the thing is that sets him off. I can't tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep over the years, wondering how this was ever part of God's plan for me. It seems so unfair. I really don't want a divorce mainly because it's so complicated. But I know I can't live the rest of my life pandering to his whims and devoting my life to making sure he's satisfied, because it's extremely unfulfilling to feel like all I'm good for is sex. It feels like doesn't want or care about anything else from me. As long as his dick is happy, then he's nice to me most of the time. It makes me so sad that he has no desire to fight for me or for the marriage. It just makes me feel like what's the point? Why should I fight for a man who makes me feel like worthless crap? I would love to say more, this is such a long and complicated story. There is a LOT more to it. But I'm seriously scared. If he found out I wrote this he would for sure leave. I just need a place to vent. Counseling is not an option right now and probably never unless I do divorce him. Bishop is definitely not an option. I just would love advice on how to handle this. So much more to say....I will explain more later, maybe! I'm scared. Maybe I'll delete this later. I do not want him to find out I wrote this. Aaahhh! I'm so sad. :,(
  23. I have a friend whose going through a rough spot in her marriage, one that might end in divorce. I wrote this for her, but felt that I should also share it on here for whomever might also need to hear it--- When you're going through a rough spot in a relationship, there are some good things to do, regardless of how the relationship turns out: Be Honest. Be honest with yourself-- did you do you hardest at the little things and the big things. When you make a mistake, own it. When something is not your fault, don't lie to yourself and say it is, or let other people tell you that. Be loving. Be loving with yourself and with all those around you, even if that love requires you to set boundaries. Be respectful. Respect is the child of honesty and love. Respect yourself, respect those that help you, and respect those that hurt you (even if there needs to be boundaries). Stand. Stand on your own two feet in a place of truth, love, and respect. If those you love choose to stand with you, celebrate and stand with them. If those you love choose a different path... we will miss them and cry together, but we still must stand in Truth.
  24. I need help! I know this post is daunting; it's a list of everything my husband has done to me so if you want, you can skip to the end. I have been married for almost 5 years and we have two children, a 2 year old boy and a 6 month old girl. My husband has had a history of cheating on me and I have no trust in him, but for some reason I never go through with getting a divorce, even though I know it's what's best. Here's the story: When I was pregnant with our son was when I first found sexual text messages on his phone (summer of 2011). He had been texting a girl the night before asking what a sexy girl like her does for fun, asking if she likes watching porn, etc. He said it was a girl from work (he's a general contractor) and that they've never hung out & that it was the first time they've spoken. There was also a different girl that he had met at work that he would always go running with and sometimes wouldn't even come home until 1 or so in the morning! He made me feel like I was crazy for not letting him have any friends that were girls and we always argued about it. I first found out about her when I saw text message conversations and he would totally flirt and say things like "anything for you". I thought all this would stop after we had our son. I was wrong! Soon after we had him, I kept finding more text messages, one time someone had even sent him a picture of herself topless. He claimed he didn't know who she was or why she sent it to him. Things were going somewhat well a little after that, but than he had to go to AT (training for National Guard) for 5 months (summer of 2012). Soon after he left, my phone stopped working so i had to use his old one. I looked up the internet history on his phone and saw that he had looked up TONS of escorts in our city! They advertised for massages.. I looked up our cellphone history and saw that he had contacted tons of them via text and phone calls. I confronted him and he said he has never done anything with any of them, he usually just dials the number and than hangs up. By this time, I was considering being done with him, but he said he'll change, etc etc. Towards the end of him being in training, I saw a couple of charges for hotels and he said it was because they went swimming... When he came home, I thought everything would be okay, but I noticed him texting someone a lot and he said it was a friend from training. When I read some of the conversation, there was a lot of flirting going on and he once again got mad at me, saying he should be able to have friends that are girls. A couple of days later, I was looking through all his things from training literally hoping I'd find something and I sure did. I found a letter from this girl saying she'll never sleep with a married man again and that he's still a good person, etc. He didn't know I found the letter and when I confronted him, he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about! It wasn't until a couple days later, after I said we should separate, that he admitted to it and begged me to stay, that it wouldn't happen again etc etc. I decided to give him another chance. Soon after, I got pregnant again and was excited because I thought this time he'd for sure change. Beginning of last year (Jan 2013) I saw some weird charges on our account and saw that he had joined a social network who's slogan is "Life is short, have an affair". I saw that he had yahoo chats with a girl on there talking about [moderator edit] etc, really bad stuff. I also downloaded an app on his phone that allows me to see all of his text conversations and internet history on his phone. This is how I found out he was basically dating a girl. He took her to dinner, they would go to the dog park together, etc. After their date to dinner, he text her and said "It was nice getting to know you with your clothes on". He was also still contacting escorts. This time, I was sure I was going to get a divorce. But after I confronted him, he claimed it's because he'd been out of work and had been having a hard time and he once again begged me to give him one last chance. I gave in. We found out we were having a girl and once again, I thought he'd for sure change! Baby girl was born in July 2013 and things were going good until recently. He had been out late one night and said he hung out with his old friend from college, but I was suspicious. I still have that app on his phone that tracks his messages, but he is aware of that. I thought it was weird that I didn't see any conversations with this "college friend" about hanging. What my husband doesn't know, is that this app also tracks where he is. I saw that he had been in a city that's quite far from where we live. A couple of days later, I see some ATM withdrawals for around $100 plus $30 to the movies on our bank account. About a week later, my kids and I stop by our house that my husband is building to visit him and he's not there... I look on the tracker and he's in that same city as before... I call him and he says he has to go to the "Lowes" out there to get something. A couple of days later, there's a $30 charge to iHOP. After all this has been going on, I start wondering if he's gotten a second cell phone so another day, I randomly stop by our house he's building and while he was walking around with our son, I hurry and looked in his truck and guess what I found? A cheap Cricket phone! I hurry and looked and only had time to read one text and it said "I want your sexy body all over me". He was starting to walk towards the truck, so I hurried and put it back and acted like nothing happened, but I was pretty sure he knew i found it. Once again, i had decided i should get a divorce, but when I confronted him in October 2013, he said he's changed and begged me to wait until January 2014 to make my final decision. And here I am again, giving him another chance. I know have a tracker on his computer and I can see that he's still very addicted to porn and looking at models/actresses and he's still contacting escorts every so often. He's even tried getting an escort to come to our house! Not to long ago, I saw a text conversation that went on while he was home alone trying to coordinate a time for the escort to come over, but none of them were available so it didn't work out. To this day, he claims he's only cheated on me the one time with the one girl. He's NEVER come to me about anything. Everything listed above are things I've discovered on my own. I have no trust in him. He went to the Bishop back in sept. 2012 after I found out about him sleeping with the girl in GA, but he hasn't told the Bishop about anything since and he says he's temple worthy. And we did do counseling for awhile. I feel like I've tried everything. I've prayed about it, gone to the temple, talked to our Bishop, etc and I have felt "good" about getting a divorce, but for some reason I never go through with it. All day, every day, I just sit and think about it and I'm miserable. I need help
  25. This is my story. I have never told a soul. I am american. I was baptized at 8 and served a faithful mission at 19. Sealed in the temple to my wife and sweetheart at 21. Four wonderful children and many years later, my life began to come unraveled. I had for years, secretly been viewing pornography. A problem I simply couldn't admit to. Sixteen years into our marriage my wife had an affair. I was hurt, devastated even.. Together we went to our Bishop. I, at the time being the second counselor in that Bishopric. There I confessed to him my problems with pornography and she admitted her affair. We were both placed on informal probation and released from our callings. Some six months later when the Bishop and Stake President were comfortable that our repentance was complete we began again to take the sacrament and again became members of good standing. However, a couple of years later and I found myself again struggling with the same problems of pornography. I admitted my problem to my wife who was very angry.. She accused me of adultery by saying that pornography was the very same thing. To bolster her accusations of adultery she pointed to the fact that previously she and I had received the same church discipline when she'd committed adultery and I had looked at pornography. Within a few months I noticed some odd behavior and some marks on my wife's breasts.. After some arguing she admitted she was again carrying on an affair with another man. She claimed I had pushed her to it with my viewing of pornography. We again went to our Bishop and Stake President. My wife was excommunicated from the Church and I was placed on formal probation. We worked hard to go through the repentance process. A year and a half later she was again readmitted into the church through baptism but our lives were never again the same. She never forgave me and never apologized to me. As the years went by I continued to struggled off and on with pornography and I suspected at times, that my wife continued to be unfaithful. But I loved her and I felt guilty for what I had been doing. I had finally admitted to myself that the pornography and her adultery amounted to the same thing. So I didn't make waves. One day I began to be investigated for pornography at work. Because I was a high ranking police officer, the investigation was outsourced to the Attorney Generals office to see what laws I might have broken. Through the long and embarrassing investigation, they interviewed my wife, neighbors and my friends. There were questions of everything from pornography to physical abuse and abuses of power. In the end my wife hated me. In a fit of rage told me that she hadn't loved me in years and admitted that she was again having an affair. She said that it was all my fault..She said that if she had married a better man she would have never done these horrible things..I agreed..I was so humiliated.. and so embarrassed, and I felt so guilty.. I was fired from my job.. In disgrace.. Hearings were held to remove my nearly thirty year pension.. I lost all sense of self respect.. My parents, my friends and even my grown children found out. Rumors were running wild at church and in the community. I despised myself. I became self destructive, and suicidal. I felt that even Heavenly Father had abandoned me. I truly felt that I could never be forgiven for what I had done to our family and the pain I had caused them and my good parents. I went to the Bishop and Stake President and again confessed everything. But I found no peace.. no solace.. The Stake President said they could not begin a Church Court until the investigations were completed by Law Enforcement and that would be months.. I knew I could never recover what I had lost. I wanted to give up and just die.. I wanted to run away from everything. In the midst of the pending divorce and all the my troubles, I did just that. I gave power of attorney to my wife and daughter to handle the divorce as they saw fit and I bought one way ticket to Central America, and I left. I hated myself. I had so much pride that even then I couldn't humble myself. I couldn't pray. I couldn't ask for help because i knew I didn't deserve help. I wrote a letter to SLC to the First Presidency renouncing my membership in the Church. I still believed in the Church, but I knew I didn't deserve to be a member. I didn't see a way to go through the church court process in a foreign country and I wanted that stress over. I began to abuse alcohol and drugs.I had no real fear of anything. I just didn't care anymore. I hoped I would go to sleep and not wake up. I committed many sins and transgressions. I had no friends. I struggled in a new culture, and a new language and a lack of money, in a very dangerous and unknown country. I met a kind and beautiful younger woman. She took pity on me and took me in. She smiled, and laughed a lot. She was worried that I was headed for disaster. I told her I had already been there. Over time I learned to understand and to speak Spanish from her. She believed in me. She taught me about the culture, about corruption, about Cartels. She taught me to live safe..and she taught me to dance. She gave me hope and a reason to live, to feel needed and to feel cherished. I tried to tell her of my history but she told me she had no interest in my past. She tried to convince me that I was the answer to her prayers. That the Lord had sent me to her. She had been in four marriages, all of them abusive and violent. Together, her money and mine, we purchased a small non functional shrimp farm in the jungle near the southern border of Columbia and very near the Coast. A beautiful, wild and dangerous place. No electricity, and no roadways. We accessed the farm in canoe via the river. Traveling to the farm only when the tide was rising and leaving only when the tide was ebbing. It was a hard life with dirt floors and mosquito netting. Bathing and doing our laundry in the river. We married, I attended Mass in a nearby pueblo with my new wife and her children often, but I simply could not find the peace there that I so desperately needed.. In time I began attending an LDS branch an hour and a half away from the farm by bus. Soon after, my wife began attending with me as it was unsafe for me, a gringo, to travel alone. At the Church, the branch members met in an upstairs apartment and treated us with much care, kindness and love. I felt peace there as we sang hymns and listened to the speakers. On Sundays we often attended mass together and then attended the LDS branch after. Some weeks we could not attend depending on the hour of the tide. After many months of this, my wife lost her desire to attend early morning Mass and only attended the Branch with me. As the years passed, we sold the farm on a contract for a modest profit and moved to the big City. There I began donating my time teaching English and we have begun a non profit sewing organization to benefit women's hygiene. Here we again began attending a ward together with our children. The Missionaries came to our home and taught our family the Gospel and nearly two years later, the family was baptized. Excepting me of course. It feels awkward at times, them being members and me not. And yet I do all I can to lead and teach them with much love and in righteousness. I am happy again. I accept my life for what it is, and I accept my place in it. I have lost whatever pride I once had. I am still sorry for my past but I no longer mourn for what I have lost. I have no ill feelings toward my ex-wife, in fact I still have feelings of love for her and I sincerely hope for her, much happiness and joy. I do not dwell in the past nor do I have lofty dreams of the future. I live for today and it is enough. For the first time in so many years, I am at peace. I know that God is mindful of me and always has been. He has blessed my life even when I was so undeserving. The collapse of my life those years ago was not the condemnation of God, but was simply the natural reaction of the choices I had made. A reaction I had brought upon myself. I have become convinced that the Lord helped unite me with my dear wife. She is an incredible blessing in my life and she tells me daily how fortunate she is to have me in hers. I don't know the future but I think there will be many more blessings ahead. I do desire to be re baptized. The Stake President has directed me to send a letter to the First Presidency when I am ready, requesting re admission into the Church. He has assured me that when I do, he will also send them a personal letter of support. I simply want to be completely worthy when I do. The Stake has tasked me with teaching English to members in the Stake who desire to learn and I am very happy to serve however I am able. I know I am not alone having such problems stemming from pornography. I hope that with this letter, someone else may be helped and not have to suffer as I have rather than finding help and turning things around. However bad things are, they can, and probably will get worse if you don't change. Please, put your pride aside and make the necessary changes before it's too late. If you are an addict, you can't do it alone. I have never written about my story or told it to another soul. It feels good to have told my story at last. What a horribly... beautiful tapestry... our journey through life makes!