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Found 15 results

  1. In another post I questioned the status of religious liberty, arguing that the efforts of LGBT activists to go after bakers, florists and photographers will lead to attacks on our colleges. Turns out, secular fundamentalists want to ban homeschools and really cement the idea that the state his priority over the family in setting values.
  2. Last night my husband and I were up talking late. He suddenly confessed to me that he has been hurting my 5 month old daughter. He said it has happened maybe 10 or 11 times over the past five months, and that it was things like pinching, smacking/slapping, etc. Nothing sexual or shaking or anything. He said the last time he did it was a 3 or so weeks ago. He told me he was telling me now because he couldn’t live with himself anymore and was dying because of the guilt and shame. He told me he mostly does it to get a rise out of her because he likes to bring her down from her crying. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO THINK OR DO. We have been married for almost two years (in the temple). He has never once been violent towards me in any way shape or form. I just feel sick over this. I don’t know what to do, don’t know who to talk to about it. The thought that he could have even laid a finger on my daughter makes me so upset I feel like the room is spinning. I told him he needed to go see the bishop and that we needed to look into counseling for him. I told him I love him and want to forgive but I don’t even know where to start. And I’m not even the victim! I love him so much, but I don’t know how to get over this. Please help me. Do I work towards forgiveness? Am I crazy to try and save this? Or do I end everything? I’m so scared and feel so alone. I don’t know the next step.
  3. I have grown up in the church, served a mission and married in the temple. When I was 12 my dad sexually abused me. Now I'm in my 40's and the past that I buried has come to light and I have had a tough year as I've been dealing with this. A year ago I started antidepressants. I have met with my bishop and have been seeing a counselor. Sometimes I have felt like I've improved but lately I'm struggling again. I continue attending church but my heart hasn't been in it. I feel like the medication takes away my ability to feel the spirit. It's hard to keep doing everything when you haven't felt the spirit in so long. I feel deserted by heavenly father. I am confused and am questioning the truthfulness of the gospel. I feel like I've lost my testimony but I don't want to continue on like this. What can I do?
  4. In other threads on this forum, it has been stated that the only justifiable reasons for divorce are the "three A's": Abuse, Addiction, and Adultery. Now the adultery part is clear. My question is about the addiction and abuse reasons. Besides this forum, where has it been stated that these two things could be justifiable reasons for divorce? I don't recall having heard this. LDS sources are preferred. And what constitutes abuse? My sister in law's husband is emotionally controlling, as deemed by a mental health professional. (I'm also shocked at the kinds of things he does to his wife.) Is emotional abuse a justifiable reason for divorce, (assuming no physical and sexual abuse are going on)? And addiction: what constitutes a "bad enough" addiction for divorce to be an option? Does a hypothetical husband who brings home a steady paycheck, yet use the bulk of the evening on video games (video game addiction) give his wife justification for divorce? If not,what if he *doesn't* bring home the bacon due to his video game addiction? Thoughts?
  5. I don't even know where to begin. I've been married almost 2 decades. The majority of that time has been pretty miserable. The only really truly happy time I remember in my marriage was in the first 2 years. My husband was a spiritual giant when we married. I loved that about him. Gradually, the spirituality has faded to the point where he does the bare, bare minimum at church, and he has become emotionally, verbally and in some ways sexually abusive. At least I think it's abuse. It all doesn't seem right for a husband to treat me the way he does. I would like to expound on more details, but I'm afraid he'll find out or something. I feel trapped in this marriage. I love him as the father of my kids, but I really don't like him very much. He's so mean to me sometimes. But not all the time. I never know what is going to set him off. And when he's mad, the insults, the namecalling, the F bombs just come out of his mouth like it means nothing to him. And then, he'll say "let's just end this. Neither of us is enjoying this." It's so deflating to hear that every few months. There are times when we're getting along, and we do have fun together, but it's always on his terms. If I mess up, or don't give him what he wants, then the nice guy is gone, and the claws come out and I'm left feeling beaten down and worthless. But, it's confusing, because it's inconsistent. So I am never sure when he'll be mad. Sometimes it's unreal how stupid the thing is that sets him off. I can't tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep over the years, wondering how this was ever part of God's plan for me. It seems so unfair. I really don't want a divorce mainly because it's so complicated. But I know I can't live the rest of my life pandering to his whims and devoting my life to making sure he's satisfied, because it's extremely unfulfilling to feel like all I'm good for is sex. It feels like doesn't want or care about anything else from me. As long as his dick is happy, then he's nice to me most of the time. It makes me so sad that he has no desire to fight for me or for the marriage. It just makes me feel like what's the point? Why should I fight for a man who makes me feel like worthless crap? I would love to say more, this is such a long and complicated story. There is a LOT more to it. But I'm seriously scared. If he found out I wrote this he would for sure leave. I just need a place to vent. Counseling is not an option right now and probably never unless I do divorce him. Bishop is definitely not an option. I just would love advice on how to handle this. So much more to say....I will explain more later, maybe! I'm scared. Maybe I'll delete this later. I do not want him to find out I wrote this. Aaahhh! I'm so sad. :,(
  6. Often, when abusers or cheaters request forgiveness, they insinuate that if we are real Christ-followers we would "forgive and forget." I contend that we forgive--meaning we turn over our right to revenge to God. We hold no grudge, and wish no malice. However, forgetting is something that only God is in a position to do. Only He is all-powerful and all-knowing. So, only God is in a position not to be taken advantage of. God does not need the memory of our past sins to help him know our spirits. So, He is able to truly cast our sins as far as the east is from the west. The forgiveness we extend should never be forced. It should never be perceived as diminishing the hurt and the offense. And, it should never result in victims reentering toxic relationships. Forgiveness is not trust. Trust may or may not be regained. When it does come, the journey should be gradual--paced by the victim. Thoughts?
  7. I need some advice on how to forgive my husband. We've been married 6 years this month and have 2 young sons. He has been verbally abusive almost our entire marriage and denies that he is verbally abusive. I've been seeing a therapist and he has repeatedly told me that the things my husband says to me are abusive. I've spoken to him several time about how he makes me feel and he tells me he won't change. I have a lot of anger towards him, and I know I need to forgive him, but how can I forgive him for hurting me when he keeps doing it? (He has never physically hurt me.) I've been praying a lot, but feel I need to be doing more. Examples of some of his verbal abuse: -Repeatedly telling me while pregnant that I'm disgusting and I repulse him -While pregnant with my first child I had horrible back pain and was working about 50-56 hours a week. I would come home and lay down to relieve the pain - he always told me I was lazy -Telling me I'm gross when he sees me in my garments - he makes me change in the closet or bathroom -Telling me I need plastic surgery
  8. Hi. After 20 years of abuse (the first 12 tolerable, the last 8 unbearable) I am finally getting a divorce. I have 4 kids and my husband and I were sealed in the temple. I have struggled so much with this. I have tried everything. And the answer I've been getting both inside and outside the temple is that there was nothing I could do to preserve the marriage, my husband had decided that it wasn't worth his while to put in the effort so it didn't matter how much I did. And boy, did I do much. We went to counseling, he got the counselor to support him in the abuse. I've been through any number of attitude adjustments. I sacrificed so much of myself to protect my kids from the worst of the abuse that I literally almost died. Even up until the day I filed I was reading self-help books on how to save abusive marriages. All of them said that the abuser needed to change too and there was little that the abusee could do to make them change if they didn't want to. And the truth is my husband had no reason to change. As long as he could still check that "married" box, he had what he wanted and it didn't matter to him how miserable his wife was, as long as he had me in his possession. I'm having trouble with my bishop, who doesn't seem to think that what my husband did was wrong enough that he ought to have to repent of it. He is also holding me responsible for the gossip others are spreading about the relationship. People are telling me that if I have a problem with my bishop and how he's handling it, it means I'm committing some kind of sin. I know that the bishop is a man with a calling, but he is just a man and is subject to all the same prejudices and blind spots that people in general have. But I still want to know if I'm overlooking something here. I had a blessing yesterday and it said I'm not under condemnation, but I don't want to leave any stone unturned in trying to root out any source of sin or rebellion. I used to be a really good woman. Now I'm what's left over after a good woman has been ground into the dirt. I'm not here to look for a relationship-- I'm so not ready for that right now. I guess I just want to know that the Lord loves me, that He wouldn't condone me being abused for all eternity, and that I'm not so badly damaged that the Lord can't make me into a woman worth taking to the temple, this time by a worthy man.
  9. I am in need of some advice. Please bear with me: My wife was sexually abused as a child around the age of 9. (26 years ago )Her mother had four children early on in life and her husband left her with the kids and never was in there life again. Her mother ended up getting married to a guy that had 4 of his own children. (his immediate brother went to prison for raping his own kids...) I don't want to go into details about the sexual abuse that the new dad was committing with my wife, but from what my wife tells me it did not include intercourse, it was more get naked and lay with me naked.... a lot of touching going on.... After around year he came to my wife and she was crying and she told him that she didn't like what he was doing. He told her he wouldn't do it again. He told his wife what had happened and he apparently went to the bishop..(has had several callings since.. scouts, primary this normal) No one in my wife’s family knows what had happened. Fast forward to when me and my wife first met. She told me about what had happened and that she had forgave him. We had a pretty rocky relationship when we were dating and at one point her parents didn't want me around.. I confronted him at that time and he claimed that he had repented and everything is ok now. I also told my wife’s brother what had happened to my wife when she was younger. Her brother talked to my wife and my wife denied that anything had ever happened. Fast forward to this last Christmas... we had a family Christmas party at their house and he starting getting very political and saying things like Obama is the anti-Christ and that the government was going to come to our houses and take all of our guns…etc. All of his children have listened to this there whole life. They feel very threatened of him... no one ever disagrees with him. It is sad to say that none of his kids talk to him they only go around for the mother. I had had enough and I engaged into his conversation and started proving him wrong... The room went silent... No one could belief that I had stood up to him and told him he was wrong.. Needless to say I haven’t spoke to her mom or dad since. I am having a hard time with what had happened with my wife while she was younger now that my 4 girls are getting older. My oldest being 11. I told my wife that I was concerned that I didn’t want them to be around her parents. Her mom and dad live 2-1/2 hours away... we see them 2-3 times a year.... her mom just called and wanted to see if our oldest daughter and her cousin could come stay at their house for a week this summer. I told my wife there was no way I would let this happen. She told her mom that we didn't feel comfortable with that. The issue of being sexually abused came up in conversation with her mom and her mom stood up for her husband telling her that he was heavily medicated when he abused my wife and that he was sorry that he had done it 2 times with her and that he repented for it and was good to go... when my wife got off the phone with her mom.. I said wait a minute.. 2 times. and my wife said that is not what her mom meant.. I told her yes she meant it. So she called her mom the next day and said what do you mean 2 times it happened for years.. Her mom said "well if he did that it is not ok" “but he was sick and he warned me to keep you away from him” and left it at that. Now her mom is coming out for the weekend and wants to see us and go to church with us like nothing has happened. My wife does not like her dad and wants to continue having a relationship with her mom. I feel that her mom is just as responsible for what had happened... Help me understand that my thinking of not wanting anything to do with her parents is normal. Help me know if it is fair to me that my wife’s other brothers and sister let their kids be around him alone not knowing of the things that he had done with my wife. My wife doesn't want her family torn apart and says that I am doing this because of the fight that I had with her dad during Christmas time. And maybe I am Help!!!!!
  10. Sometimes I get so confused on what is right and what is wrong. I feel like I cant fully think clearly, so maybe someone can help clear my thoughts. Ill try to give as much details as I can. To start parenting style is Love and Logic. I dont like to force my kids, i like to give them choices so they can be more responsible for their actions. My husband has a sex addiction and I think my husband is also emotionally and sometimes physically abusive to my children. My oldest two which are 5 and 4 are from a pervious marriage ( which ended because of my ex husbands sex addiction and abuse ), and me and my current husband have 1 child together who is 2, and one baby on the way. I didnt have a clue he had a temper or sex addiction until 2 years after we were married and sealed in the temple, but i was always aware of the fact HE was abused as a child (and we learned a few months ago he was also sexually abused). My husband is a big man. Everyone sees him as a big teddy bear. Everyone loves him, hes nice to everyone, and is the most gentle sensitive spiritual person EVER especially in front of anyone else. Even his own family has no clue about his temper. NO ONE DOES. No one. But these past year since we've been going to counseling im starting to allow myself to realize just how mentally abusive he is to my children and its WEARING me down. Im tired of feeling so bad for my kids. Im tired of seeing them so scared of him. So let me explain a little of what kind of temper he has because its not the usual verbal abuse yelling " your stupid etc etc". When my husband gets mad, or has tension (which is literally 15 hours or more ever day), he more tries to control my children. Hes the "silent" angry type. My kids are SO scared of him. Hes the type that if the kids are crazy or crying etc, he will move in really fast before i can say anything, and he will pick them up and try to force them to stop crying. I cant stand when he picks them up so fast...its almost violent. My kids are in such a state of terror when he does this its so sad. Ugh this is all so confusing so please bare with me, its really hard to sort out all the things hes done because its sometimes so subtle. Its like he just cant let me handle things...he HAS to "deal" with the kids himself. Heres some examples....the other day we were all outside and i told my kids to please not get their pants wet in the hose water. Next thing i daughters pants are all wet. (Annoying...but hey, its not something i would PUNISH her over because of the fact that I am allowing my kids to put their feet in water, i knew full well that there would be a chance that someones pants would eventually get wet.) But when my husband who was working in the garage noticed she was wet he immedietly told her in his big scary but not yelling, voice!" RYAN RYAN!!!Go change your pants right now!!". My daughter is instantly in fear and runs inside crying to go change. Well...while i was talking with my son who was still playing in water, my hsuband decided to go inside too. I thought this suspicious so i went inside and when i opened the door i heard my daughter crying, then i heard a thud, and my daughter crying even more and my husband demanding "ryan! RYAN STOP. RYAN STOP NOOOOW. RYAN. RYAN. RYAN. STOP!!!!" and when i finally got to the end of the hallway to see what was happening, my husband has his hand over her mouth while still telling her to stop crying. My daughter was in total fear. Turns out when he came in, he yelled at her to go get changed and while she was running away to go change he pushed her and she fell on the floor, which was the thud i heard. Another example: my kids were playing outside with my husband and the new pool, then all of a sudden i hear "scared" crying and then my husbands slides open the door all fast and just drops, kinda throws my daugher on the floor, and walks back outside. He was very silent angry. Another example: Hes playing with my son on the ground, he accidently hurts my son and son starts crying. My husband trys to force comfort, and when my son doesnt want his comfort and he wants me instaed, my husband then tries to force him to stop crying and tells him to go to time out until hes happy or he pushes my crying son away. This has happened more times than i can count. Im so confused by this. My husband is always trying to punish them for being upset when HE caused them to be upset. Another example: My husband has rough housed with my son too much and...bit him too hard on the cheek? Left a crazy crazy bruise on his cheek. My husband lied about this for a long time. When my son would say " oh daddy bit me" my husband would turn to him and tell him hes lying and that its not nice to lie. Weird. Another example: Went to craft store with husband and my youngest daughter when she was 8mos old. Towards the end of the visit my daughter is getting hungry and she does what babies do, she cries. My husband walks over to her, and then i hear her cry really loud and scared. Even though i didnt see it, something instantly told me "he just pinched her". Well...after lots of lying and me calmly asking him tons of questions, it turns out my husband did walk over to her and pinched her side in an attempt to get her to stop crying. Over the past year the truth has come out about alot more pinching he has done to all the kids when they act up and cry. Its disturbing. And while I am well aware that the pinching and biting is physical abuse......I am still so confused on if he is emotionally abusing them in any way. My gut says yes....but since its hard to explain and since its always sometimes so subtle....I find myself having a hard time beleiving it. In the MOST subtle ways he is always punishing them for something...whether its by force, or hes secretly getting them back for something, or pushing them away. I dont know...its all so weird. Like even something as simple as doing little things to spite my two oldest doing things intentionally that they dont like.....he picks them up even when they tell him "please dont". I feel like i have worked so so hard so my kids feel like they have a voice, so they feel like they have boundries over their own bodies...but my husband completely disregards every boundry they have. And my husband just does things so....FAST. It always happens within a matter of seconds. I am always left feeling like "woa....what just happend? whats going on?". I am in a constant state of walking on eggshells and feeling like i am always in "mama bear" mode. I feel like i am constantly having to clean up the disaster mess of crying scared kids because of his actions. Am i making things up? Am i just being totally over sensitive? My intuition is always telling me that its all very very harmful to the kids, but when ive tried to explain it to a couple people they just kind of look at me like im dramatic cuz its not like hes "hitting" the kids or excessively yelling at them. Man sometimes i would prefer the yelling over the silent bottled up, purse lips, fists in ball, type anger. Im scared of the effects all of this will have on the kids when they are goal is for them to NOT grow up with my insecurites. Plus i know how cycle of abusive is hard to break. I dont want my kids teaching this behavior to their children. What are your thoughts? Experiences? Ideas?
  11. I have a problem, and I'm not quite sure what to do. A friend came to me in confidence today and told me she needed to confess to her bishop (though I'm not so sure she needs to?). She has been sexually abused by a man for the past year and a half. (I believe he is in his early 30's, and now divorced). She says she needs to confess to her bishop, because she originally told him it was okay. However, she became uncomfortable with the situation, and tried to ask him to stop, but he threatened to stop "dating" her (dating was okay with her parents). She asked what she should tell her bishop, and is wondering what his confidentiality rules are? She's terrified he'll tell someone...she doesn't want to ruin the man's life or reputation, she feels it isn't her place to bring out, its his. What do I tell her?? I'm so lost on this one.
  12. My husband has been emotionally, spiritually, economically and sometimes physically abusive towards me. The more severe forms of abuse have stopped at this time and I am attempting to give my marriage one more shot (no judgement please, thats the conclusion I cam to when I prayed about leaving). I have taken this to my bishop and he has been working with me and helping me and I have been getting counseling from LDSFS. My question is this... when my husband goes back to church (he's been inactive for about 3 years now and at present time doesn't want to go back and pretty much brushes his past behavior off and tells me I need to "get over it".. so to me, he clearly isn't fully repentant at the moment)... I know he won't be able to get a temple recommend based on what I have discussed with the bishop. Is the bishop likely to confront him with the abuse at some point? Or if he confesses, will a disciplinary council be held (he is a melchizedek priesthood holder who has been through the temple)? I am just afraid that the church's involvement could make things worse, but it got to the point where the abuse was seriously effecting my faith and I really needed to get myself help. Thanks for any info, advice, comfort you can give.
  13. Even though I like to keep things light here, this one's pretty serious. A co-worker of mine is in an abusive relationship. I just realized it tonight, and it's pretty serious. She's only been working with me for about a month, though we aren't always on the same shift. I've already noticed bruises on her face and arms. The matter gets more serious, however because she's informed me that her husband thinks we're intimately associated. Not only is that 100% false, the very thought has never occured to me. She's great to work with, and it makes me frustrated because I want to be able to help her with this situation, but at the same time, I don't dare get too involved lest the husband sees something that he interprets as confirmation of his suspicions. I've already got the information on my cell for the local women's shelter in case she needs it (I've already prayed that it won't come to that...but real life carries on...). I guess I'm wondering what exactly the next step should be, or if I should just distance myself for now and hope things cool off for her. In a related matter....what's up with spousal abuse anyway? I know it's come up here before, but seriously...who in their right mind thinks that it's the best way to treat someone they claim to love?
  14. Man jailed for blackmailing pensioner who sexually abused him - Times Online Here's what I totally object to How can a 45 year old man have a “mutual sexual activity” with a 13 year old??? Poor guy! To be blackmailed all these years by someone he sexually abused! The cruelty! The shame! What could the abuse victim possibly have been thinking??? EU people, is this common judicial practice over there? I know we have out share of bad judges in the USA but I can't remember any cases like this.
  15. i am a college student attending the university in my hometown. my family is very active in the church, but has proved to be physically and emotionally abusive consistently. the physical abuse was through the end of my teenage years; by my dad. he never apologized and is now in the bishopric of a ysa ward. my mother is an enabler, afraid to confront and represses all conflicts. i am thinking of transferring to another school for the sole purpose of getting away from them. i only have feelings of resent and neglect. i can go months without hearing from anyone in my 8-member family. i used to call regularly on a monthly basis, but was advised by a therapist to hold off on that. the way i feel right now--hurt and handicapped at progressing--i just want to not see them at all because i am so starved for affection from them that i will ruin my life to revolve around "earn" their love. i have pondered and prayed over this for about five years now. it seems like i am still in the fire, per se, and can't heal enough to have pure compassion/forgiveness for them. since my dad is close friends with the bishop, all the advice i get feels skewed. no one really knows the bull that he is to his wife and children behind closed doors. has anyone experienced this? what did you do? how have things worked out?