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Hey all, I'm new here. I just have some thought and questions I need to out and don't really have the kind of relationship with anyone that I can turn to in person. A little background. I went through a faith crisis over a year ago that completely changed how I view the world. At the start of it I was very lost and confused and frankly felt hurt and betrayed and didn't know what to believe about religion, especially Mormonism. Eventually, I worked through it, change my perspective greatly on any number of things, but eventaully got to the point I am now. I am still a practicing, "faithful", temple recommend holding member. I have made very few outward changes related to my new faith perspective. Mostly it is just in my mind/heart. Needless to say this was very devastating at the time to my wife who feared I was going to leave the church. Even after I got over the worst of it and assured her I would stay active, she has always worried that I might "change my mind." Moreover, since I shared many of my doubts at the time, she feels as though I've forever changed her faith as well, which I feel really remorseful for. If I could go back and change it I would have worked through it in private, but one rarely thinks straight in a crisis. Before faith crisis we'd occasionally have big fights but they would be many months between. Our biggest struggle was that I didn't communicate as much as she'd like. I was comfortable with silence and so she felt like I just didn't care. Fast forward to faith crisis and we were having major conflict 3 to 4 times a week. Even after the crisis passed for me we couldn't go a week without a major conflict. So much conflict has taken it's toll. It has really hurt our friendship and the foundation of our love. We even got to the point where divorce was brought up. She feels like we're so different now (again, because of how I interpret the gospel, not how I act) I've begged her many times to go to counseling and she won't. She's not very clear on why but I get the gist that it comes down to a fear of her concerns about our marriage being made to appear unjustified. She seems worried that therapist would side with me. Add to this she has anxiety and (undiagnosed) mild depression. We have 4 young children that are very high energy so she often is stressed and at her limit when I get home. She also has very low selfestem and tends to view many of her interactions with people in the worst light. By this I mean she is constantly appling negative meaning to slomething that doesn't have to be negative (such as so and so didn't reply to my text so she must not like me or I did something to offend here) She talks about going to a regular counselor but doesn't actually go. I feel bad for her. I really do. I realize that my crisis added greatly to her anxiety. She has told me she doesn't feel "the same love" for me anymore. Though at time she's also said she doesn't love me because I'm not the same person anymore. I've tried very hard to make positive changes to myself. I've read books on communication. I've gone out of my way to communicate more with her, even though I don't naturally feel so inclined. Since she wouldn't go to counseling I suggested we read a marriage book, which we diid. Even whild doing so we constantly fought. Sometime's I just don't know why I try. I long ago wondered if I even love her anymore. But I came across some advice to set a time frame in which you would not end it no matter what. The idea being that you would put all your effort into making things work for this 6 month period...kind of a last stand. So that's what i feel I've been doing. But I don't feel the same is reciprocated. I truely believe she has given up and is waiting for the time to lapse. Every time I express an unmet need, she cries and tells me how aweful a wife she is. Sometimes she says she'll change and start doing it (for example I ask that she go out of her way to show love by doing thoughtful, nice things for me, anything, as I have been doing for her). But she rarely follows through and so we have a simialr conversation a few months later, adding to my despair it won't change. Which brings to the next problem and the actual focus of my post. As part of my crisis you could say that I have become like a child again. For the first time since I actually was a child, I view the world in awe. I am innately curious about things and so have been consuming books on all kinds of subjects. At first it was church history, since I wanted to fully understand those things that were part of my crisis. Then I got bored and moved on to other things. As I read, the new knowledge sometimes requires that I apply it with changes in my life to get the most benefit (such as ideas on food/diet). While I think most people would consider these things as positive, my wife sees them as a threat. She sees me changing, and us becoming less and less compatible. She sees me with all these new interests and is so critical/defensive of them. And so I dont' know quite what to do. I could stop reading, and stop trying to, from my perspective, better myself. It may help temporarily but I worry I wll build up resentment because of it (as I have in some other things). On bad days I feel like she's right. Maybe we are not compatible. But I also feel our judgment is flawed due to our emotions and extended hardship, as well as confirmation bias, fluidity of memories, etc. So what the heck can I do!? the dead line is almost hear and I have to say that except for one month of respite, I don't think much has gotten better. I've considered the ultimatum of go to counseling or divorce but feel that would just force the divorce. How do people deal with changes in marriage? How can you be "one" if you genuinely have different goals? Obvoiusly I don't want a divorce. I love my children and don't want to be apart from them. Nor do I wan them to suffer because of this. But I just feel at my end here. More and more I am feeling depressed and I worry the longer this goes on the worse it will be. sorry for the long rant.