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Hi, I'm Phillip11. I'm 19 and I'm from Provo Utah, and I need advise. Over a year ago I had a serious issue with Pornography and Masturbation. I confessed these things to my Bishop over a year ago, and turned my papers in during July and became an elder. Due to serious depression and anxiety, I my papers were held and my call took a extremely long time to get here. This period of waiting was a dark time for me, because I allowed the advisory to fill me up with feelings of worthlessness, and in result I reverted back to my pornography and masturbation. As soon as I got my call to serve these evil feelings went away and I haven't had anymore issues with masturbation or pornography. Since then I've gone through the Temple a few times and yeah. I haven't confessed what I did to my Bishop yet and was wondering if I need to, and if I did what will happen? Would I be excommunicated and not be allowed to serve my mission, or will it delay my mission, or will I just need to skip the sacrament a few weeks? Please don't judge me, I've been having these really bad guilt trips.
I'm doing this cause I absolutely have no one else to talk to!! I just got home from a mission about 6 months ago! I was so excited and happy for the wonderful mission I had served and to be back and start a wonderful life! Instantly I started to have serious problems with anxiety and depression!! So bad I was almost hospitalized!! It crippled me!! During this time I got a girlfriend who is amazing! She is a member of the church! She had some struggles in the passed and was married but got a divorce and has a child!! So she had already been sexually active. As we started dating everything was fine but my anxiety got worse and worse!! And with that the only thing that brought me joy was being with my girlfriend so we got very close and in an effort to feel some happiness cause I was having such a horrible time I messed up with the law of chastity!! So we started to do everything but intercourse! And now as time has gone on my anxiety and depression has died down but I still mess up once in a wile pretty bad with this girl and I feel horrible! I beat myself up every day and I don't take the sacrament on Sundays and I feel like the worst person in the world!! My dad asked me to give my little sister a blessing and I couldn't cause I knew I wasn't worthy to do it!! I hate myself for it! But it was the only thing that brought me spite joy when I was in hell! My anxiety was so bad I couldn't even pray!! Now I am scared to talk to a bishop and I'm wondering if I just stop and repent and help my girlfriend too that we can be happy and just forget about it!! Please help if you have any suggestions! thanks