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  1. I'm sorry if I have wrong grammars and marks on my post...I am really trying to go to sleep tonight as fast as I can....It's already 1:28 A.M. I know this is a forum for spiritual discussions and such...but I really want to type this because I have no other place to go to for advice. It's been a long journey to finding the love of my life. I'm 26, Male, college graduate (BYU)...I never ever had a real a real relationship that's focused on love, understanding and all the good things that the LDS church talks about....eternal companion. When I was in high school, I was pretty much the most introverted kid. I didn't have much friends...I was the only boy in the family...I have 3 younger sisters...It was really hard. I really wished I had a brother. Growing up...we never really got along as teenagers in the family. My sisters are not that far apart in age. I was the most wayward/awkward kid. My family is all LDS, we were raised in an LDS upbringing. However, I had my rebellious days...because my father and mother were too strict that it really drove me crazy into revolt. It was almost obsessive of them to always demand things on A+ grades, they expected too much of me, and never really gave me Affection for my achievements. I never heard "son, I'm really proud of you". I know it's really BETA for someone to want some affection....but we all need affection from our parents and others...we all need love...I never got that from them....they were basically "providers". They put food on the table, clothing, shelter, bought me a guitar, etc...etc... whatever I needed, wanted...I got it. The only thing missing my mom and dad would come home from work...and basically bail out on me and go to sleep after work or they'd go on a something was really missing....MAYBE a hug...:( I know it's really stupid to say that but that's really how I felt. I got bullied in many times. I'd come home angry and wanting revenge from these bullies...I couldn't do anything. I really felt abandoned EMOTIONALLY when I was a kid. I was molested (at 11 yrs old) by my own cousin...I didn't know what it was till I realized and learned about sexual abuse in elementary school....I never reported it. I didn't know what to feel about it....until one day....I realized that it was really wrong what He had done to me!.............. My parents had a busy busy busy life of WORK...and never really got the time to give affection towards me.....I've read about this in Psychology...and it is true in my causes a lot of self-esteem in most normal kids today...I stayed home (didn't have much friends), played my guitar, drew, played computer/videogames.... most of my days spent were parents barely allowed me to go outside. I attended swimming school and competed for the sake of it just to get away from the house...and I guess I seeked/sought approval by winning swimming matches...that was the only way I felt loved....winning. Now, when I was in BYU (college), I had the chance to be around people, classmates, away from parents...etc...this was really different in high school...because we had school dances every Tuesday and Thursday and sometimes which I religiously almost attended...I built my dancing skills through these classes and events. While dancing, I also had many chances in talking to women....There were so many awkward conversations...but I built my social skills through that...but when I'm not dancing....It's still hard for me to talk to people. I really tried my best to be "out there". Sometimes, after classes, I would wander around the cafeteria just to strike up a conversation. I didn't hold a job while in college because I took my parent's advice to just focus on school instead of having a job. I should've because I know that would have increased my social skills (if I worked as a cashier or anything that involved social interaction). I deeply regret not having a job while in college. It took me shorter to get my Bachelor's degree, only 3 years instead of 4 because I took more classes since not having a job has perks. So, this habit of mine, dancing, talking to women in events, striking up a random conversation, built up my social skills to the point that I thought I was really good at talking. I worked out and kept a routine, I worked hard on my grades! I practiced approaching women that I thought were attractive while in college. Most of the time, I would get rejected I know I can carry a conversation gracefully....Most of the time, they would have a boyfriend, married, refused me, and even GHOST me...that means they'd give me their numbers and never text me or call me back This really affected me because I would feel so hopeful to come home with a number from a girl..only to find out that she wouldn't even text me back!!! Now, I know I sound desperate but my approach count was about 212 the campus...and I only got about 7 dates...and none of them turned to a relationship. I never had a girlfriend All I really want is this...Love, someone to love....Why is that so much to ask? I asked Heavenly Father for it and never really got anything... I would see couples, boyfriend and girlfriends in the hallway and I'd feel soooo bad about myself...wishing I had someone. Even on facebook, my BYU and updates would keep spreading from posts...that someone got married, have a boyfriend and girlfriend..and it makes me feel un-worthy, not good enough. I have a forearm tattoo...because I was being stupid and rebellious against my parents...I also got it because I had self harm scars from depression. Now that I have graduated from BYU, looking back at these memories..., It makes me really sad. I never really got I what I wanted and needed! Is it so hard to find a girlfriend? PEOPLE always say the right time will come...but I don't believe it anymore! I am really asking Him for this... It's affecting my self-esteem... Am I too ugly? Did God make me ugly? Did God give me a curse? Am I not attractive? Am I too short (I'm only 5"5, 5"6 with shoes on) I have abs, big muscles, big arms, ripped legs, good skin, etc etc...(humble brag) I have so much going on for me:( I really don't know why... Am I not good enough? but I just wanna feel loved, because my parents couldn't give it to me (emotionally) I try to stay close to Heavenly Father I kept asking Him for the same things over and over again...I'm pretty sure he's annoyed. I self-loath when I wake up every morning...hating myself... Wishing I had somebody else's face (a more handsome one?) Am I unlovable? Sometimes I think of not being born with this face, because I have such low self-esteem... I really don't know what to do... I keep thinking about plastic surgery.. maybe that will help:( Could someone help me through this? I feel like I'm stuck in a never ending spiral! I don't know where else to go to...I've seen many counselors....I don't know anymore...
  2. I honestly don’t know how to start this, I’m not even sure why I’m here. I guess I’m just looking for some hope in this situation. So in the beginning of September, my husband asked me to call him after I got off work, and he told me he had left. We’d been married a little over a year at that point, and while it wasn’t perfect, I thought our marriage was solid and had potential to become even better with time and dedication. But unfortunately, behind everything that seemed great, my husband had been struggling terribly with depression. And he never felt like he could talk to me about it. And there’s a few contributing factors to that, my communication when he would open up to me would often leave him feeling bad for asking because I would express that I felt like I was a bad wife because I couldn’t help him more (I have some self esteem issues with that, and it’s kinda how my parents would communicate with me, so it’s a learned behavior that I've been trying to get out of for a while), or because he always felt like he needed to come to my rescue because I have depression and anxiety as well. And while it may have been really bad during the beginning of our relationship, I had felt like I had gotten more control over that part of my life since then. But regardless, this is about him. He admits that most of the fault there lies on him for just not communicating to me earlier how he felt, but all of those feelings eventually accumulated one day and he just broke and moved back in with his parents. It was a huge shock for me, and still is. Here’s the problem- We don’t want to get divorced. But we both see this situation so differently. He feels that he needs to work on himself right now and that he won’t be in a state to be in a relationship for a long time. He has said that when he prays, he gets the feeling that we’re meant to be together, but he can’t be with me right now or we aren’t meant to be together as a married couple. And he doesn’t want to do counseling, because he feels and has heard from other people that couples counseling is just us talking to each other while a therapist acts as the referee (which is probably sometimes the case, but not necessarily). On my side of things, however, after my pleadings with the Lord and visits to the temple and priesthood blessings, etc, all I can feel is that 1. Our marriage was not a mistake, 2. To not get divorced, but we do need this time to be separate and I to just be a friend and support to him, and 3. Just keep fighting. The first two things, I get for the most part. But I’m having such a hard time fighting and remaining hopeful. We still see each other a lot, we work at the same place, go to the same Star Wars role playing game every Friday, and have recently agreed to meet up at least to get food and chat once a week. But I can feel us drifting and that scares me to my core. He says he feels good just being friends for now, that he likes having my support. And I can see it helping him. And he still loves me, he still breaks down about how terrible he feels that all of this is happening, how he wishes he felt like he could come back but just doesn’t. And he’s being more honest with me than he’s ever been, which is nice. But I don’t want us to become “just friends”. We both had powerful feelings that we were meant to marry each other before we got married, I imagined a future together and he would get revelatory dreams of what our kids would look like and how happy they’d make us. Neither of us want to become just friends, but it seems like he’s resigned himself to that being the only option because he is so depressed, and I’m left to be the only one to carry all the hope. But I’m terrified. We’ve been apart for almost 2 months now and it just feels worse and worse. I feel like I’m losing hope more and more each day. And I can’t force him to come back, I dont want to. I want him to feel ready to, I don’t want to make him feel like he needs to hide his feelings again. I guess what I’m asking here is if anyone has gone through anything similar, and if it worked out, how it worked out. I get the feeling that if I hang on, we can work it out, but that depends on things I can’t control so much that I don’t know what to believe. So I guess if anyone has any advice or hope to give me, it would be really welcome.
  3. I am pregnant with what would be our "rainbow baby" and currently struggling with depression. My husband and I have a large load of medical debt and are living with our in-laws temporarily. I am struggling imensly with my testimony of the gospel and its been extremely difficult for me. I have an unhealthy thought process that if I had been a better Mormon that we wouldn't have lost our first daughter and I know that simply isn't true but I can't stop those feelings from welling up inside of me I feel as though I'm doing something wrong all of the time even though I haven't. I feel like it's a really unhealthy self punishment I've prayed, looked for counsel and each time they simply say that "it's not your fault and you haven't done anything wrong etc" I've had counselors tell me that I should leave the church because it's just giving me unnecessary anxiety and honestly I would give anything to not feel this way but the gospel is a huge part of my life. I've been terrified that if I don't do everything exactly right then I'll lose this baby too so I consistently read the scriptures, pray, go to church I even signed up for institute classes thinking if I immerse myself completely these feelings would go away. I don't know if I need to just take a step back and give myself room to breathe and then come back when I'm ready or continue pushing through this depression and anxiety immersing myself? The reason I mentioned that we live with our in-laws is that this is adding to my ever long list of anxiety.
  4. I've been struggling with depression for as long as I can remember. To put things in perspective, my first suicide attempt was at the young age of 9 years old. It's been bad. For a little while, I thought I'd been relieved. I felt rejuvenated and like things were looking up. I had plans to serve a mission, get my degree, and maybe even one day get married! But then I got news that I had heart palpitations, and that I couldn't serve a mission. I got pretty depressed from that, and from there flunked my college classes. Now I have no future, no direction, and no motivation. I'd love to have a boyfriend, but that seems like a far, far, faaaar away reward, if it even happens at all. On top of all of this, my faith in God has become shaky, to say the least. I'm not confident in his existence sometimes, and no matter how much I've prayed, I haven't been able to find any peace or relief from the chaos and turbulence of whatever it is I'm going through. I have begged and pleaded for relief or direction or an answer or confidence or just the knowledge that everything would be okay. I have yet to receive any of these things. I've searched my scriptures for hope and strength and only grew more ashamed of myself and hurt and hopeless and overwhelmed. Somewhere deep down in my heart I think I have a testimony. I mean, I want to. I want to believe. So badly I want to get back on track and just know that I am doing what God wants me to do and get into that confident faithful spot that so many other members seem to have reached. I just want to be okay and I don't know that I ever will be. Please, has anyone else been here? Does anyone know what I'm going through? Do you have advice or wisdom to impart? Can you help me?
  5. I am an 18 year old member of the church who has struggled with depression for some time. Even though I have had small bouts and shown slight signs of depression in the past, may biggest issues started last year around October when stress from deciding what I would do after high school triggered something that brought major episodes of depression. Since then, it has been a roller coaster with trying to deal with what I am facing. I told my parents and eventually sought a therapist. I recently made an appointment with a psychiatrist and starting in late January, I will be on antidepressants. Throughout all of this, i am going to school and trying to live life as normally as I can. I originally planned to go on a mission, but I decided I would not be able to until I got this under control and now, I honestly don't even want to go on a mission anymore. This whole experience has left me seriously pessimistic and hopeless about the future. I know that the church is true and everything that I have been going through has been a trial I am meant to bare in order to test my faith, but I find the idea of going on like this immensely bleak. I honestly can find no reason for going on in my life and find nothing to bring me joy any more. I even try to date and find things that keep my mind off of my doubts, but nothing has worked. Dating is hard, especially since there are not a lot of Mormon girls in my area. I have run out of ideas and I find myself with so little will to live, I fear that eventually I will wish to take my own life. Up until this point, I have rejected all thoughts about taking my life because I know the pain I would bring my family, but I am afraid that eventually all thought and feeling will give way to the temptation so heavily put upon my head. If anyone can give a word of advice or help me in the direction to finding a purpose, I would be very grateful.
  6. The desire for death may mask God’s loving purpose for us. Most readers probably know of someone who has either died by suicide, or was deeply hurt by someone else who had. Here are some 2013 facts from the CDC: There were over 41,000 suicides in the U.S. Just over one-third of them test positive for alcohol, 24% for antidepressants, and 20% for opiates and prescription pain medications. Sobriety may be the most underrated mental health goal there is! 4% of adults had thoughts of suicide—with the highest rate being the 18-24 year-olds, at 7.4%. Over 1% made a suicide plan, and again, that rate was much higher—2.5%--in the 18-24 year-old group. Among 9th-12th-graders the rates of suicidal thoughts are much worse—at 17%. The horror of suicide is all too common. So, what does the Bible say about it? The two main examples of suicide in scripture are men who had turned away from God. In the Old Testament, King Saul had disobeyed God by sacrificing animals and taking bounty that He had declared off-limits. He furthered his treachery by repeatedly trying to kill God’s choice to replace him—David. Saul was wounded in battle, and asked his armor-bearer to kill him. Ironically, the servant knre this was wrong and would not do it. So, Saul fell on his own sword. In the New Testament, Judas Iscariot had betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver. While he shows he regretted his betrayal by returning the money, his final act is also one of defiance against God. He hanged himself. Suffering and hurt are real, but isolation and abandonment are lies from the pit of Hell. Like Saul and Judas, Elijah was afraid. He had just called down fire from heaven, and destroyed 400 of Baal’s prophets. The queen, rather than repenting, issued a death warrant for Elijah. This proved to be the sucker-punch that drove the prophet to suicidal ideation. He asks God to take his life. What happens next is insightful. God sends an angel to feed the prophet, and assure he gets plenty of rest. After a few days of this, Elijah’s perspective and faith are restored. We must never feel shame about taking time to care for our physical and emotional needs. Self-care is not selfish. It allows us the restoration we need to serve God and our loved ones well! Even after Elijah’s restoration, he remains downcast. He believes he is the only one left, who is faithful. We must not underestimate the suffering, the frustration, and the sense of hopelessness people feel! On the other hand, if we are the ones discouraged, let us not forget that God is never dormant, and we never see the full picture of what He is doing. Elijah learns that there are 7,000 who remain faithful, and that God plans to use his successors to destroy his enemies. In fact, these conquerors are already prepared to exact the Lord’s vengeance. What if King Saul had trusted God, and obeyed his command to kill the animals and enemy king? What if Judas had kept faith, & seen Jesus’ resurrection? What if we believed that all things work together for good to us, who love God? Jesus says He is the Life. We who love Him must live. Faith destroys depression, defeat, and death. Suicide is defiance against God. Life,and yes suffering, will gain us the victor’s crown! To see on linked in and access a link to a podcast of all 4-parts of my death series see:
  7. Hello! Sorry this is a little long, but this seemed like a good place to ask for advice. Born and raised LDS, both a blessing and a curse. On one hand, I found security in the church growing up and was pretty happy. But when I started to question the church, this also pulverized everything I thought I knew and made me feel broken. Until that point, the LDS church felt much simpler to accept. Now I'm more aware that the LDS church is a complicated thing to accept and that no religion can be guaranteed true, which leaves me with conflicted feelings. For whatever reason, I still feel the spirit and feel that it's true, despite everything that points to the opposite conclusion. Without it, life seems really dark and meaningless--the promises of being with your family forever just hit too hard home and I don't want to lose that. At the same time, though, I have read too much anti-mormon stuff and been disillusioned with too many of the church's current standpoints (ie: that women can't have the priesthood when many Christian churches ordain women, the exclusion policy affecting LGBT families) to connect it with the church I trusted when I was younger. How can I reconcile all of the conflicting feelings? I want to stay in the church and on a spiritual level I feel like it is the right thing to do, but I just can't trust it and don't know how to anymore. Have any of you felt that way? How do you hold on?
  8. Guest

    Sins & depression

    So....I'm not sure how to word this...But i have been struggling with depression for a while now. It seemed to have just come out of no where last year. It has been really hard for me. I don't know the cause of it. I also struggled with an addiction about 4 years ago and finally overcame it last year. It just seems to me, that i only commit certain sins when i am having a low day. I want will all of my heart to be worthy to dwell in the celestial kingdom, but whenever i am feeling low, i don't know what happens. I just...give up. I give into temptation. It's like i KNOW that i don't WANT to do wrong, to sin against god, but because i am feeling just happens without me really realizing it. Until after i have done something wrong.I don't know what to do about this. I always feel terrible after having these types of days, but i feel that there is nothing i can do to stop it. Yes, i pray and read my scriptures, and i gain some strength, sometimes enough to fight off temptation, But i still feel hopeless some days.
  9. Well the headline pretty much says it all. Even if i really enjoyed church, when i get home i often get depressed or tempted to do bad stuff. It is pretty obvious it is the adversay, right? Trying to break my spirit! What can i do about this? Just the "usual" - pray and read scriptures? Does anyone else have this problem?
  10. I am a convert and have been apart of the church for a year. I was recently diagnosed with traits of borderline personality disorder and had no idea that I had this. I thought my thought process was normal. I can honestly say my mom and dad loved me. However my uncle was cruel and sexually abusive to me at the age of 9 to 14. I get frustrated with people in my ward and sometimes I feel left out and secluded from others. The bishopric doesn't even bother to educate themselves on this issues. Sometimes I just don't feel worthy or measure up to everyone else's standards.
  11. Hi, I am new to this forum but was driven here by some pretty strong needs. I am hoping to find answers here. I have really been struggling in my life and in my marriage right now and frankly have been for over a decade. My husband and I are doing somewhat ok. Our finances are FINALLY on the upswing after years of uncontrolled spending by my husband. I have compensated by having to be extremely frugal with everything. We have finally gotten a lot more on the same page about finances and are working towards getting out of debt. I owe this to prayer. It's been pretty amazing. So I should be happy, right? So why am I so unhappy still? I have found myself crying on various occasions when I am alone, and a few times when I am with others and it becomes embarrassing because I can't explain why I am crying. It honestly has surprised me how easily tears come lately. It usually is when I am around a family who, it seems, has it all. It seems all of the sisters and sister-in-laws in my life have these amazing strong Mormon families. This is hard for me to talk about, because I rarely ever talk about the realities of my relationship with my husband to anyone. I used to talk to my mom about it but learned the hard way that it always just makes my life and marriage harder because she gets really mad at my husband and tries to get me to divorce him and it complicates things. I'll tell you a little about my husband without going too much into detail. In general, he is an angry person. I know that is starting out extremely negatively, but it is just the way I see him. He has a personality that is frankly very hard to get along with. Think how to hug a porcupine. Now before you go thinking that is just the way I see things, I will tell you, this is also a pretty objective thing. He has gone through numerous jobs, has issues with almost everyone he has ever worked with, quit or been forced to quit numerous jobs. He was in a leadership position in the ward and was constantly gossiping about the members of the ward and the leaders he worked with. I have a very hard time with that and try very hard to not encourage this. He chose to no longer fill that position, which I'm actually relieved about. Everywhere he goes, he makes enemies, and because of his ways of dealing with people, he has very few people left to call his friends. I believe he has a mental illness but he won't get help because he thinks he is fine. To me, he seems very antisocial. When he gets home from work, he believes he is done with all responsiblity for the day and will sit in the basement watching show after show after show until I have to leave for work after I have gotten all the kids to bed, and dealt with the sibling rivalry, made dinner, been a chauffeur, helped with homework, etc. Fathering, to him, almost seems that it was done the moment the children were conceived. He does not support the children. He won't go to any of their sports games (it embarrasses him that his children aren't better players, although he could have a LOT to do with that to help them improve in a gentle way), he won't go to music concerts they are in, he won't be involved. Period. He just doesn't care to and never has. He'll only go to things if there is free food there, and then he wants to leave right away when we are done eating. My heart has broken for my children many times over. His parents may suspect this, but I don't think they truly realize the extent of how miserable I am. My parents know mostly by reading through the lines, and sometimes after probing for information after one of those teary sessions where I just am in tears for no apparent reason. Because of his inability to really be active and involved, he is now pushing 400 lbs. and his doctor has given him strict instructions to excercise lest he die by the age of 40. I have been very surprised lately by often and extremely strong feelings of jealousy and anger about relationships in my life. My brother who I have been very close to in the past has pretty much not come over hardly at all or even answered my messages I have sent him. I would be ok with that, thinking he is just busy like I am except for the fact he recently saved money and flew out to be with my sisters family. I have been so very very hurt by that since he doesn't seem to have the time of day to come see me or my children even though he lives relatively close. I have found myself crying at my night job when no one is around. He has said a lot in the past how amazing I am, but never seems able to find the time to come over. And it hurts. To the core. Maybe because he has been one of the few people I see able to give my kids some of that dad-like time. How come kids who most need it are the ones that seem to get forgotten the most? Sorry, I know this is just pitiful. I don't know how things ever got to this point in my life. I find myself wanting to avoid any family that have an active and supportive dad and husband. The last time I had a teary episode in front of others was when I was with my mom and sisters family. Her husband was giving the family home evening lesson, and I thought to myself, we will never have what they have. That jealousy and trying to avoid that jealousy also makes it hard to form close friendships. I find myself drawn to make friendships with single women because it just cuts out all that emotional garbage of comparing myself and my family to theirs or getting jealous. I never thought of myself as a jealous person until recently. Anyway, there are a lot of other issues I haven't even touched on yet, but don't want to write a novel. So, this is enough for now. I feel I am right teetering on the verge of a deep depression if not in it already and so maybe I'm trying to stave it off as much as I possibly can. I just needed to tell someone what's really going on with me. The pretending I'm fine just isn't working anymore for me.
  12. Ugh. I was so sad to see another loveless marriage claim less than one month old. I am in the same bind, and was hoping to see something more positive. Let me start out by saying I know I am clinically depressed. Because my husband lost his job, and therefore his insurance, at the same time as our PCP retired, we were without a doctor and no clinic would continue on antidepressants for a long term basis. We have insurance again, and I am already scheduled for an in-depth appointment at the end of the month, and I will be receiving proper medication then. The cause of my depression began as chronic pain; I was injured in a car wreck which triggered daily migraines and fibromyalgia. Because of my medical issues, when the company I was working for was sold, and my MIL was needing more help around the house, we chose that I NOT reapply and remain home to be available. My MIL eventually was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, was put into a care facility, and has since died. So I am home, unemployed for 8 years; my health problems have continued and worsened, so we have never thought me going back to work to be something able to be done. We are in our 50's and early 60's, have one grown son. We own our own home, with a minimal mortgage and own another home outright that we are preparing for sale. Because of credit card debt, when I left my job, we decided that withdrawing my 401K and using that money to clear up debt would be the right thing to do. BUT then my husband's job was eliminated. He was given a good severance package, but it changed him. Over 30 years with one employee and told he was no longer wanted or needed...he broke. He got another job fairly quickly, but lost that job as well. So the 401K fund was sapped out fairly quickly. He has since worked another job....which ended when the position was eliminated. At this time, a small pension fund was made available to me, and we NEEDED it for a source of income. So now that is almost gone. I have no funds left, no job, and no disability payments possible. But I live in a loveless marriage and need to leave. He says he loves me, but does not show it. He does what he wants when he wants to do it, and unlike the majority of stories I've read, that means he does NOTHING when he is not working. Unless it directly is for him. He has no interests, and literally will go to work in the morning, come home (often making stops to run errands without 1) telling me what errands he needs done so I can do them during the day and/or 2) calling me to tell me he will be late. He doesn't try to do anything and when I ask it always turns into an argument. He shrugs and walks away, saying he'll do better, but that never lasts more than a few days. Then it's back to work, sleep in front of the TV, bed, and work. And NOTHING else. He has no sex drive at all. I knew before we were married that he had been curious about homosexuality, but he assured me it had been short-lived and not what he wanted. He lied. He is not sexually attracted to me and hasn't been for decades. I thought it was me, until I found gay porn. He admitted that was his attraction. I cannot be a man. And yesterday, he lied to me and tried to hide things from me. He was in a minor fender bender; his fault, but an accident nonetheless. He chose to withhold all information about it from me, until he figured I wouldn't get mad. And lied to me about what he had been doing in the two times I had expected to see him that afternoon. He doesn't care, or at least, he doesn't seem to care that lies and secrets disrespect and hurt me. We live as housemates, sharing a bed because we only have one. But that is all we share: a house, a bed, and a paycheck. I know he is depressed, but he will not do anything about it. He refuses to see a doctor about anything. And he turns it all around as my fault. He lied to me when we got married, about something else, too. His parents lived a loveless marriage, living together under the same roof, separate rooms for 30 years, separate paychecks and expenses, separate interests....and I told him I would not want that and he had to promise me he did not himself and would not "become his parents." He becoming more like them as time goes on. And it doesn't bother him. Nothing bothers him, just ask. Everything is "fine." Always. I need out. I want to be happy. I want a life. I want to feel and be loved by someone. I want to feel wanted. But I am stuck with no money, no job, no marriage, no life outside my home, no friends, and no Church....because he is active, counselling would include his sexual proclivities, and that could damage his membership...I haven't been to Church myself in a long time. I cannot lie to them about it, and it would ruin that aspect of his life. I can't do that to him. I suppose here I should say that his original 30 year employer? The Church. When you need a temple recommend to hold your job, but don't have sex with your wife because she is not a man.....that wouldn't work out. So I stayed away. How much do I need to put up with? How can I manage on my own? How much more do I need to lose in this life? I have no one but him, loveless or not. That is not the life I want. I have no hope for better. There. I vented. I can't say it helped, if anything it makes it all the more clear.
  13. Hey all I'm just becoming disheartened, frustrated, and disillusioned through my recent experiences dating in Provo. Rejection after rejection, and I just can't take it anymore. I'm not exactly bad looking, but I just must have had bad luck at picking girls in relationships or that had no intention of progressing in a relationship. School is great, and I have a great career ahead of me. Family life and other things are well. I just feel destroyed from the negative experiences I've had - I feel like I have a dagger in my heart from the painful experiences of just trying. Mission had lots of rejection, but this is different. I always used to feel liked and appreciated. Now that i'm in my major classes, there are just hardcore science and career women, and I really (no offense to feminists, but I disagree with that philosophy) would prefer a more traditional wife/GF. I'm pretty flexible, but I am just finding women as focused on their careers as I am, and I'm just getting weary of the journey alone. Missing church sometimes because I just can't stand to see the happy couples - the only thing I've wanted and have failed miserably at. It just pains me. Add my current pain and struggles onto the vision forward of so many divorces, so many relationship problems, changing gender roles, career and educationally burdened women...I just feel the hope is running out. My confidence which was once strong is now weak and dim. I just can't go on. Picked up swearing, changed my music, and have lost faith in the disenheartening depression that followed. I only say that so you can appreciate the extent that this has affected and pained me... I don't even have the will to ask for one more date, because so much has happened. I'm considering adopting a practice of celibacy and just going to grad school and living as a science man. Sad, but I have lost all hope for relationships and marriage.e Just women that want money, abuse men...we're a dying breed. Every once in a while I get a boost back up, but my sad state returns quickly. Dating-induced depression. Never felt this way before. Ever.
  14. Robin Williams was one of the most brilliant, dynamic, funny entertainers of our time. I wouldn't expect to be so saddened by a celebrity's passing, but I am. I have to wonder if he was so funny because he was really sad. I've wondered for a long time if that's the case with a lot of funny people. . .if it's just a cover or a coping mechanism for deep pain. Whatever it was that drove him to this, I will say that the world seems a little sadder without him here. I think he was not only talented, but also a kind man. He reminds me so much of one of my brothers. I won't judge him because I know how depression can affect a person. I am sad though, for him and for us. I love this video of him:
  15. My daughter recently told us she doesn't want to be "mormon" anymore and doesn't want to go to church. She has had a rough year dealing with depression and self harm. We've also had some big trials in our family (husband lost his job and is still unemployed; lost a child in an accident 2 years ago). I know those things have had a big impact on her. We noticed that something was "off" around age 11, and we took her in for therapy. She's been going on and off since then. There is a family history of mental disorders in our extended family so it doesn't surprise me what's happening here. She's also on medication but we are still tweaking with it. This summer the doc added lithium to help her with self harm but instead of calming her down it made her more irritable and aggressive. She feels like the church makes rules of what we "can and can't do" which really aggravates her ("It's dumb we can't date before 16 and drink coffee, and shouldn't wear short shorts and tank tops" etc.) She's also a strong willed child and doesn't like to be "controlled", which doesn't help her complicated situation. We think the combination of meds gave her the "push" to decide she was done with church. She thinks no one likes her in YW...literally. She has this idea in her head that they talk about her behind her back and don't want to be her friend, which is completely false. She is a beautiful girl, but something has convinced her she's just trash. I feel so helpless, and don't know what to do for her. For now I am focusing on just uplifting her and loving her. I am more concerned about getting her stable mentally before her spirituality, but it is in the back of my mind and I am concerned. She hasn't attended church in a month. Now I know there will be a few of you who will say, "she's messing with just need to put your foot down and tell her to snap out if it". Or, "just throw her in the car and make her go...She is a child and doesn't have a choice". People these things do not work...I know personally and if you know the plan of salvation, you know that "forcing" people to do things is Satan's plan. So please...if you think your judgmental remarks are going to fix this, then take it somewhere else because you aren't helping. So with that said...I need some real advice.... Has anyone else had a teenager who went through this and came back or changed their mind/attitude because you did something different to encourage them to come back? What can I do as a parent to help her? Thanks for your input. Concerned mom
  16. Hey there. I have been struggling for some time with a form of depression. It started while I was on my mission, I began to really belittle myself and find that all problems or issues that arose while in the work of the Lord I would attribute to myself. I blamed myself for everything. I just didn't feel normal. Eventually it went away about 2 months before returning home. After I returned home I worked as an EFY counselor and met a lovely girl with whom I discussed marriage. After 4 months she flatly told me she never really loved me, that we were more just like friends the whole time, and again I plunged into depression. This time I was medicated and visiting someone for it. I found myself extremely lazy and just sat around. My self asteem took a plunge. While I have been off and on medication, taking it and the deciding myself I shouldnt have to be dependent on it, things have gotten better. I recently got engaged to a wonderful girl, but now I'm worried Im dumping all of this baggage on her. She knows about it and is willing to go through it with me, but it just doesnt seem fair to her. I can't even understand my feelings. I don't feel overwhelming butterflies and excitement as I did for the previous girl, but I also don't feel like this is a terrible choice. I just don't know what to do about this depression. I guess my question is am I wrong to continue an engagement like this? Am I wrong to get married even though I don't feel overwhelming romantic feelings for this girl? I Do love her, and hate being away from her, but a lot of the chemestry just isnt there. What should I do? Thanks.
  17. I am Kat and I'm 23. I've been active in the church for 7 months now, despite a few slip ups. I've sworn in anger here and there, I've masturbated out of anger and frustration at least 4 times after my repentance and re-activity (went cold turkey on the sex for that to work of course) and I'm an avid self-harmer/anger management wannabe. I assume I have a problem/addiction because it does affect everyday life. I feel like such a pervert, these thoughts I get in my head to do with sex or having sex with my future husband. I do it way too much and I don't know if it's normal or not. I feel like I'm going crazy and every time I get a sexual urge I get really angry, I hit myself, cut myself, the works. When none of that pain works, I masturbate with means to hurt myself down there too. It just makes me SO mad! This happens every 1-2 months. I've repented through prayer, been happy and fine for 5 weeks, then BAM. Depression hits. Getting married soon has sort of awoken and heightened those senses once more that I thought I had long suppressed. Simply going cold turkey and never speaking of sex again isn't the way forward if I am to have sex again once I'm married. I was actually worried at one point that I wasn't sexually attracted to my fiancé. Longer story made shorter, I feel like I'm going insane, for real. Sex is everywhere and me getting married and getting to have sex is amazing, but it's also really worrying if I become a sex addict. I live in the UK, so the recovery program isn't as big here that I'm aware of. I fear that if I go to Bishop now, do the whole repentance thing again I won't be able to attend my temple prep classes in order to be sealed in the temple after our civil marriage (as is done in the UK). There is just too much pressure on everything and I'm going to lose it sometime soon. I feel it's enough to pray and to repent that way, even though I fall down every so often I don't feel horrible enough to speak with Bishop. I really don't know what to do. I feel like smashing my head through a table. If I feel that it's not worth talking to Bishop, does that mean I feel that it's not an important sin to repent of or that I'm trying to justify it in some way? The answer I'm looking for is that I can overcome this myself and with the help of my future husband and we can come up with ways of keeping a chaste mind even after we're married.
  18. Hello everyone. I have been trying to get rebaptized into the church since april. Recently I was diagnosed with depression and my doctors and therapists asked me to go to my church for pastoral counseling because many of my spiritual problems are contributing to my depression. They said it is a very important part of my treatment. I understand that this forum cannot offer medical advice I am only seeking advice for the spiritual aspect of my problem. The doctors and therapists feel ethically it is not appropriate for them to offer spiritual counsel and I need to see a pastoral counselor alongside with a doctor, therapist, and possible a social worker to assist in my care. It was advised that for proper treatment of my condition that I be allowed to see the leader of my church more than once a month. I was going to my bishop a few times a month for my spiritual problems and he was ok with it. Then the stake president said that I can no longer see the bishop and that they cannot help me because I have psychiatric problems. My doctors and therapists have suggested finding another church denomination that will comply with my needs, but I really want to stay in the church. I told my stake president what I needed and what my doctors said and he turned me away. I do have professional help, but a huge part of my treatment is missing. The spiritual counseling. It is not enough to just go to church, keep the commandments, say my prayers, and do all the good stuff. Since I lack the family support I need a pastoral counselor or else my treatment cannot be complete. Should I try moving to another stake and possibly get a letter from my doctor explaining what I need them to do? Does anyone have any advice? I am not rebaptized yet and did counsel with my bishop until I was told I wasn't allowed to see him anymore. Please pray for me.
  19. I'm an LDS teenager, and I'm seriously addicted to cutting. I never really thought about it before but what are the churches views on cutting?? Should I not be going to the temple right now...I mean, am I not worthy because I cut? I just don't really know what to do anymore. I can't talk to my Bishop, because he'll tell my parents. My parents can't know, because they have a lot of other things going on and I don't want to overwhelm them
  20. Hi All, Haven't been posting too much because I'm dealing with stuff here, but I have a condition called Dysthymia, which is a form of depression. Have had this all my life (over 40 years), here's a link to a description of what it is: Dysthymia - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia Anyway, here's why I'm posting. I have medical insurance that will not cover mental health care aside from meds (which I am on) and I can't afford counseling at $80+ per hour. There are no support groups here. Does the church have any programs to help work through this kind of stuff or am I just on my own? The couple of people who know about this just basically tell me to pray, put on a happy face, and get on with it. I've been doing just that since I was 14 and it doesn't work. I'm concerned the condition is going into major depression and anxiety again and eventually I'm thinking it will win out. It hasn't yet, but things seem to be headed that way. I'm thinking talk therapy might help but as I've spent 2 months looking for something I can afford or some sort of free help/support group and finding none, that's not likely to happen. Ideas? Suggestions? Thanks! -Lynn
  21. I've been married for 4 years. We met when I was a freshmen in college at age 18 and he was 21. He was my first love. Our problems started little by little. The first real eye opener began on our honeymoon. We lost our luggage on our way to our Cancun beach resort so it all started off with a huge bummer. My husband did not take it well. He became very depressed and just sat in our hotel room most of the time and he was just very cold to me. I cared that our luggage was stolen but I didn't matter more than the opportunity we had to spend time together on the warm beaches I tried to encourage him to get out of the room. We were there for 5 days and it wasn't until two days in that his mood started to change. I'ts always been a sad memory for me. Within the first 3 months I found out he was addicted to pornography and had huge doubts about the church so I would was going to church alone every week most of the time with tears in my eyes because I saw my dream of a righteous husabnd and a happy family being taken away from me. I felt totally betrayed and hurt and a thousand other feelings I had never experienced before. In the beginning he told me he wanted to overcome the problem and wanted to be a better member of the church but he mostly just talked about it. When it came down to doing these things he would come up with an excuse to not do them. For example he consistently would complain about his back hurting that he could not go to church, I believe he did have pain but his back but it only held him back from going to church or something he didn't want to do. I saw right through that and it made me angry. At one time he told me that he had stopped with the pornography. But later he confessed that he had lied to me. This has been a constant thing. When I talk about it with him he mostly told me what he knew I wanted from him. Like" I've been doing better" "I want to change so we can be happy". This last week I asked him how he was doing. (this is never easy for me) He was very open to me that he doesn't think giving up pornography is going to make anything better for him or for me. I told him that most of my disappointment and sadness in our marriage comes from that and that I think he could be happier if he gives it up. But he became defensive and told me I didn't know how it affects him or what he would feel without it and we got into a fight. Along with the pornography he constantly shuts me out and ignores me when we have an argument. Gets upset about the smallest thing I do wrong, rarely has a positive attitude, is not very open with me, never plans anything with me, he ignores his family and I have to struggle to get him to participate in activities with my family. He's seen a therapist once but has not gone back and he refuses to take any medication. I don't think things are ever going to change because he seems as though he already has his mind made up. I want a worthy priesthood holder in our home, I want someone to be with me during church and share the same values as I do. I want someone who will be able to find the good in things in life. I was a happy person who never felt depressed before we were married. Now I feel like I'm in a dark hole with no way out and I struggle every day to keep it together. As much pain as I have I still do love my husband and I want to help him. But I don't know if it is enough love right now to make things work. I am completely exhausted with this relationship a lot of the time I think I want to get a divorce. But then I think that there has got to be some way to change this and I don't want to give up on him. Anyone have any suggestions that could help me?
  22. This is a long story... I appologize, but I feel that it adds to my question. I've been married for almost 8 months now. But here is my story. Me and my wife dated a little bit before my mission. We never got very serious, but I really liked her and all that. I went on my mission, we didnt really keep in touch, just a couple letters back and forth. Anyways, I came home and she had been dating a kid and was considering marrying him. About the time I got home she decided he was wrong for her and broke up with him and considered going on a mission. During this same time we started dating again, and I knew she was still considering going on a mission. We started getting more serious and started talking about marriage. By this time she was very confused about what to do, she told me she wanted both, and she just needed me to make a decision for her. I just didnt think that was fair and we prayed about it and eventually came to the decision to get married. Our engagement was not like your normal engagement. We had both known for so long that we were going to get married, and her family encouraged us to get married as soon as possible. We planned most of our wedding before we were actually engaged. We had picked out a ring together, and I had ordered it and was planning a proposal. Anyways... I had a rocky start to all of this. I consider myself a very caring person and have always been very conscious to others' feelings and needs. Anyways, she ended up getting mad that I was taking too long to propose and got mad and sad about it. So instead of proposing the way I had planned, I went to her work and surprised her and proposed then and there. It was not what I had planned, but I felt that she just wanted to be engaged more than she wanted a nice proposal. But, I know to this day that she would have wanted a different proposal. Also, on our wedding day I was late. I drive a very old car, and my gas meter is very unpredictable... and ran out of gas on my way to the temple. I was very late, and I understand why she would be frustrated. Anyways... the reason I tell you all this information, I often feel that her expectations are too high, and lately we have had a lot of situations where reality does not meet up to her expectations (my proposal, her endowments, garments, wedding day, married life, etc). And I am starting to wonder if she has depression. She always feels self conscious, ugly, she feels like she doesnt get along with others anymore, and she has a hard time enjoying anything including anything intimate. She loves me, I know that, but sometimes she wishes she had just gone on a mission and married me after. She just feels like we got married very young. Anyways, I just don't know what to do. I try to make her happy, and try to make her feel special or tell her she looks good. But it's just not enough. I'm desperate here... any advice is welcome. Thanks for reading.
  23. What are some entry-level jobs one could take fresh out of college that would have an aspect of helping people experience personal growth (i.e. "spiritual" work)? Given the history and interests I outline below, what suggestions can you make? My background: I'm almost 36. I have a BA in psychology, but no psychology-related work experience. My work experience is all over the board, with some serious gaps. I started working on my degree in 1993 and finished in 2005, with a 3+ year gap for working and my mission. The reason my life and experience have been such a mess is because I have bipolar disorder (and anxiety, too). I've known about the depression half of it since being diagnosed on my mission, but those meds and therapy weren't effective at treating my problem. I finally got the right diagnosis in early 2009, and I've been working with doctors and therapists to get the right meds, and things have been slowly improving. So I've been working part-time at a dead-end job for over a year, being partly supported by my mother, but now that things are starting to come together, I want to try something more ambitious. True to my Idealist nature, I want to get involved in some kind of work that helps people experience personal, spiritual, or relationship growth. Some long-term ideas I have are career counselor, social worker, or marriage and family therapist. All these require a master's degree AFAIK, and so are not immediate options for me. There are probably other similar long-term options I could consider, and there will be plenty of time for that. My concern right now is, well, right now. I need and want work that brings my strengths and talents into play, and contributes toward my future career. I've had so many "jobs" that I took and did and hated and quit (or got fired from) because I didn't have the aptitude or temperament for them, or because I couldn't deal with the stress, and I don't want to go through that again. Honestly, I still have doubts about myself, but I'm ready to take a chance again. I really need some good, positive experiences in the work force. There's got to be something out there for me, even in this dismal job market.
  24. I know this was posted earlier I believe, but I think my situation is a little different. Hopefully if it's a repeat you can just bypass this post. Well, I have struggled with depression since childhood and have gotten help on and off along the way. Lately, my depression has gotten significantly worse, and it's causing me to miss my church meetings! I am a nursery assistant in my ward, and this will be the third time I haven't shown up in three months. I also have extremely bad anxiety when I feel I am trapped in a building with no real way to "escape". I have been on my knees all morning praying and listening to hymns but still don't feel 100%. What am I doing wrong? I feel awful about not attending church and my mother makes me feel even worse since she truly doesn't understand. On a side note: I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder last July but never felt it was correct...maybe I am wrong. Currently I am not on any medications. Just looking for some advice and guidance and love at this time. Thank you all and god bless!
  25. Can you feel the spirit on Antidepressant medication? A friend of mine said when she was on antidepressants it put her in "zombie mode" and that it made it so she never felt sad but also never felt happy, and she didn't feel the spirit while she was on them. I am hoping to hear from others who are on antidepressants, or have been on them, (which medication are you on specifically) and if you can feel the spirit while on them?