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Found 149 results

  1. Squibbles

    No more love

    I don't know what to do. We have a temple marriage, going on 10 yrs. We have two young kids. It's just for the past several months especially I feel like I don't love my spouse anymore. I don't hate them; it's like being good friends with your roommate. I feel happier when it's just me and the kids. When they're around I feel indifferent, resentment, or irritated. I feel guilty about feeling this way. I've tried spending time with them without the kids, I've expressed frustration at working and still doing both the all the child-rearing, housework, and yardwork, while he only works and sleeps. It's been that way for the entire relationship. I do all the house while he will occasionally help (and feels proud for cleaning once a month), I do all the yardwork because he "has allergies" (I do too), I take care of the vehicles, bills, doctors, school. The only thing he does with the kids is watch a show or do a video game. We've talked about this before, and nothing ever changes or the change is temporary. Adding in the mix: I have depression and anxiety and he has ADD. Recently, he has done laundry and dishes for a week, and then expected everything to change and for me to want to be with him, got upset when I didn't want to. I haven't told him that I can't say "I love you" back because I don't feel honest saying it. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to hurt the kids. I feel obligated to stay for my kid's sake, for my husband's feelings, for the church culture. I would be extremely embarrassed to mention this to the bishop. I don't really know him or feel comfortable around him. Part of me feels empty and not wanting to work on the marriage. What would you do?
  2. Hello everyone, Short Back story This past week my little sister (LS) and brother in law (BIL) came over to visit with my wife and myself. In our visit, my BIL and LS disclosed to my wife and I many troubling things that give me trouble sleeping at night. After their message, they left our house and gave my wife and I hugs goodbye, but I was still processing all that they had shared with me. I was shocked. They all have to do with the life, trauma and disfunction of my BIL, and the awful situation I find myself in. Here is a list of what I learned about my BIL during his "Pre-missionary" life He was extremely sexually abused for many years, perhaps 10 years, perhaps more, when he was a child to young man, by this Step Father (SF), were are talking about multiple times being raped by his SF, and again this is my BIL we're talking about. Think about the worst case scenario, and that would be my BIL. Think Kevin Spacey. He has had past suicide attempts during his teenage years, which many scars from cuts on his arms from self mutilation. Again, think worst case scenario. He was extremely promiscuous as a teenager, pornography as well. When asked by my LS how many people BIL had slept with he could not give a number. My guess say it would be between 50 to 100. He had a DUI at 17, was addicted to drugs, tobacco and drinking. Overall, his childhood was awful and he or someone he knew thought it would be a good idea to go on a mission. OMGosh!!!! His Mission He obviously lied to get on a mission. Was sent state side to a state in the east. While on his mission he had sex multiple times with a girl who was I'm not sure was, or was not a member. Apparently, he planned on marrying her after the mission, but that didn't happen because my lucky sister was duped instead (more on that later.) He finished his mission and came home "with honor", never disclosing what he had done. After his Mission Moved out of his parents house, and left his home state and moved to the the community and singles ward that my sister lived in after his mission. Continued to be promiscuous after his mission, meeting girls at bars, smoking, drinking. Him and my LS then start dating, and she thinks he is the greatest guy, in the meantime he is cheating on her. He volunteered to be a temple worker during this time, at the same time having sex with women on the side. Wow... All of these facts were hid from my LS, my siblings, myself and my parents. My mother very much liked him and he comes across as a very "nice" person. Well mannered, agreeable, charming, etc. Married my Sister He married my LS in July 2017. Obviously, he had not repented from any of this, and enter the temple unworthily and that wedding should have never happened. After about 3 months of marriage the "guilt" was too much for him, and he confessed what he had done as listed above to my LS. My sister decided to stay with him. I wish she would have divorced him on the spot. But she has her own problems (low self esteem, fear of unknown, etc.) His Disfellowshipment After disclosing this to my sister, he meet with his Bishop, and something his Bishop told him was "In the five years that I have been doing this, you are the most wicked man that has ever sat in that chair." Amen. At his disciplinary council, the Stake President said "BIL the only reason you are not being excommunicated is because you wife (my LS) stood before them and asked them not to excommunicate him because she wanted to "preserve my sealing." Which ironically didn't matter anyway, because he went to the temple in the condition he did. The sealing was of no effect. But I digress... We was disfellowshipped for a total of 11 months. 3 months after my LS first found out about all the sins my BIL had done, they decided to get pregnant. They now have a 1 year old baby. On a personal note, I had been through a disfellowshipment of my own after my mission, only I was disfellowship for a long 2 years and what I did was NOTHING compared to what he did. I am shocked about how lenient they were with him! He was reinstated and blessed his child. And as far as I know is in full fellowship. Please help me answer these question. 1. Do you believe that he is a sociopath? (Hint: I do.) 2. Given you know about his childhood, sexual abuse, addictions, do you really believe that someone like that, who was so awful could change in a year after 11 months of disfellowshipment. (Hint: I don't) I do believe people can change, repent, and be forgiven, but I don't believe BIL had enough time to do that. I mean 11 months of disfellowshipment is nothing. I know of people who have been excommunicated for way less with at least a waiting period of 5 to 10 years before they would be reconsidered for re-baptism. 3. My parents do not know about any of this. I want to tell them so bad. If this was happening to my daughter I would be irate. Should I tell my parents about this? 4. I want to talk to my sister in a clam and diplomatic way to help her understand that she still might be getting duped by him. I don't believe someone with years of this behaving suddenly changes course after 1 year. When I asked BIL about had he had the intense therapy that is needed for his situation my LS responded "I am this therapist." AHH!!! 5. Follow up on #4. My sister has a very rigid and high expectation of pornography use. At our meeting, she said "BIL knows if he uses pornography even once that I am leaving him." She seemed very serious about that. So, my concern is that most people like BIL that have 10+ years of hard pornography use relapse all the time in following years. My concern is now that he knows where the goal posts are he will hide the times he does relapse. Thus building the guilt building up, which guilt will case him to re-enter the addiction cycles he "once" was in. I want to tell my sister that she might as well pack her bags. 6. I want to contact his old bishop (they have since moved wards) and stake president and ask them what the hell they were thinking to not tell her parents, and to not counsel her to leave him. So, should I contact their old bishop? Thank you all for forthcoming comments. I will read them and consider them. I will check back in every 48 hours or so to answer any follow up questions. I am scared for my sister and I'm afraid she married a complete sociopath. Thank you.
  3. So my husband and I got married about 2 years ago, but since September of last year, we have been separated. My husband has been dealing with some difficult mental health issues and always felt he couldn’t bring it up with me because I struggle with my own mental health and he felt the need to protect me. It just kind of came to a head one day and he moved back home with his parents. It took me by complete shock and it was really hard. However, I’ve seen a lot of good out of this. A lot of personal growth for both of us, and even financial situations we wouldn’t have been able to handle had we not been separated. But still, we have not yet been able to work things out. We have both prayed and worked so hard on trying to fix our communication issues and help get us both into a better place mentally. I’m 10x better mentally than I was almost a year ago. And while we were still in therapy our communication did really improve. But my husband’s mental state has not changed much, although it is somewhat better. He is afraid to get on medication, so that’s not really helping. But even with all this it had seemed to be going really well and looking up until May, when he told me he was mentally and emotionally exhausted and couldn’t do it anymore. The thing is, he doesn’t want to get divorced. Neither do I. We both love each other very much. But he doesn’t see how we can fix things, and sometimes I fall into that frame of thinking too. But the thing that is most unsettling and stressful about this whole situation is that we get completely opposite revelation. What he has been feeling is that marriage is hard, but not meant to be this hard, and he needs to take a step back. Yet I am constantly told that I need to keep fighting and trying. Every time I get discouraged, an old friend says something so perfectly applicable to how I’m feeling, something they couldn’t possibly know, that encourages me to keep trying, or I read a scripture or article that humbled me and helps me to trust in God’s revelation that He has given to me. But it is terrifying to know how different our revelation is. It doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t help us progress, and it just hurts both of us because we have no idea what to do. How do we navigate this trial together when he feels he needs to stop trying and I feel that I need to keep going? Why would God send us such different revelations? Am I just crazy? If anyone has had a similar experience or has some advice, please let me know. I miss him, and I’m scared not knowing what’s going to happen. Also I always feel weird about asking things on here, so bear with me if I’m edging around things. If you need me to clarify just let me know.
  4. I am a new member who is discussing marriage with my current boyfriend who is a member. He is civilly divorced with 1 child. He is still sealed to his ex wife. I have some questions and concerns about the fact that he can't unseal from his ex wife. Everything I read online is very conflicting. Some say he can unseal, some say no, some say he needs permission from his ex wife, some say one of them needed to either be abusive or commit adultery for an unsealing. I have also read that if he gets a 'clearance' and we are married in the temple, then I will only be married to him for a time and he will be with his ex wife for eternity. This is bothersome to hear, as I wish to be with him for eternity and for any children we have to be with him as well. I have also read that a lot of people don't understand the feelings of a 2nd wife being concerned about him being sealed to two women and for the 1st wife to keep the blessings when she broke the covenant of remaining married to her husband. It is not natural for any woman to feel comfortable with the thought of their husband being tied (married, sealed, connected) with two women for eternity. Forgive me, but isn't multiple marriages no longer practiced and accepted within the church? Also, if the ex wife wishes to be with him for eternity and they are still sealed, but he wants to be with me and not her, who does God say yes to? He can't say yes to both. Everyone says, God will not force you to be with someone but how does that work when she is asking God to be with him? If she asks to be rejoined to her ex husband, am I then cast aside? If the ex wife and my boyfriend never get back together, then they are breaking their covenant under God and therefore, how would she receive the highest blessings by remaining sealed to him? All of this is very confusing and disheartening. I am still learning and don't fully comprehend scripture on this matter. Any insight and clarification would be appreciated. Especially from any woman who deals with the hard place of 2nd wife. Thank you!
  5. Hi yall. I am here again. Might as well call me a regular I guess since this site is pretty awesome. So for context, me and my girlfriend of 6 months broke up at the beginning of this fall as she was contemplating serving a mission and in the end we to part ways and committed to see each other on the other side (post mission). For a month and a few weeks we didnt have any communication like we used to and when we saw each other, we limited it to small talk "hey how are classes etc". Then out of the blue she texted me to talk so we did. During this talk she said that she didnt feel that it was a calling from the Lord to serve a mission and a lot of pressure was placed onto her from her mother. She concluded that she wants to be back in a relationship with me. I accepted as I do love her and so for three weeks now we have been dating and it has been a greatly God centered relationship like it was before, only the spirit appears to be so much more involved (we arent letting things get out of hand). During the time of our split she has made many close guy friends, one of which is on her sports team who she described to me when we were broken up as her best friend. At the time we got back together, she mentioned if it was okay that she kept her male friends (all single who flirt with her) around, and I obliged because I believed her when she said that she is choosing me and not them. She never kissed any of them over this period but it was apparent that she developed an emotional attachment between perhaps three different guys, the strongest being the guy that is on her sports team. She disclosed to me on the night we got back together that the guy on her team is an attractive guy (which he is as I met him before I got back together with my girlfriend) and obviously I did not feel as though I had any place to deny her, her friendships, even if I was skeptical that their behavior towards her (flirtatious) was not likely to change. So last week me and my girlfriend were hanging out and we were talking about the relationships or friendships we formed with other people while we were split. I repeated what I said to her on the night we got back together that I went on a date with one girl and although I scheduled a second date with her, I texted this girl letting her know that it wasnt fair to her that I was still in love with my ex (now girlfriend). My girlfriend asked if I kept any female friends around to which I explained I didnt because I have no reason to while I am in a relationship with her, which led her to feel guilty that she was keeping her male friends close while she was in a relationship with me, but after long discussion about one of her close male friends who she met while hanging out with her bestfriend who is on her team, I said that I trust her to respect our relationship and even though this particular guy has been on dates with her, I had faith that she would not do anything to jeopardize our relationship. Flashforward to yesterday, my girlfriend thought she had practice for an instrument and her sports bestfriend is also in that class so she understandably asked him for a ride and its clearly been routine since they have met. I did offer to give her a ride my self, but it was on a moped and its cold here in Provo so I understood why she was more eager to get a ride in her sports bestfriends' car. She wasnt sure if he was going to come through as he was contemplating whether to go to the volleyball game or not but with 7 mins before her class started he did, and I took the cue to say a quick goodbye to my girlfriend and we both left with the expectation (we established this earlier on in the day) that we would hang out after her two hour instrument practice. So after an hour and thirty so minutes I get a text that "I made it home. Are you still okay to hang out tonight" to which I replied "of course". I got to her place and we met up and I noticed that she was wearing nice jeans that I didnt see previously and I even commented that they were nice. So we sit down together on a couch and she proceeds to tell me what just happened over the past time I thought she was at guitar practice. SHe and her sports bestfriend found out that guitar practice isnt today and was actually on Wednesday like it usually is, which she has been attending since the beginning of the semester. So they take the liberty to head back to her place and all this time they were actually at my girlfriends place because her sports bestfriend hadnt eaten at all and wanted to eat at her place. She didnt protest. So I wanted her to clarify that in the hour and thirty odd minutes that I thought she was at guitar practice (there was no update text), she was actually at her place the whole time with her sports bestfriend, and she confirmed. I couldnt quite believe what I was hearing so I proceeded to leave then I came back and we had a long discussion about how I felt really betrayed that she didnt bother to let me know her instrument practice was actually on Wednesday, and she was at home the whole time with her bestfriend who she hasnt denied she finds attractive. She was extremely apologetic and confessed that she does have feelings for her bestfriend who is on her team but she values our relationship so will act to cut off her ties with these other guys from here on out. After what happened the other day, I agreed to this and we have made up but she believes that she will have to regain my trust in this relationship. Im interested in a discussion on this and will clarify things I didnt put in this post. p.s I love her dearly
  6. So long story short. We were married for 7 years. She’s already filed for divorce. It was just one argument/fight too many and she snapped. She filed for divorce a week ago from today. No children between us. We were making plans to have kids, to move out of the apartment and buy a house. Then a little time later, the incident occurs and then divorce 3 months later. Incident = the argument that lead to a short fight. We became quiet for a few days. She brought it up again and I stone-walled and she snapped. (now you can jump to the last paragraph) When the incident happened, she became a completely different person, full of disdain toward me and didn’t want to go to counseling or anything. Only went to the bishop with me to tell him she wanted out because she didn’t love me anymore. For 2 months I cried and pleaded her to stay. I knew I had anger/communication issues and that was what made her snap. Other things contributed too, but that’s in more detail below. The incident happened in October and she kept saying she was indecisive. In December was the month we separated. We agreed for 4 weeks and could make it longer or reconcile by January’s beginning with couples therapy (though she was against it). But as soon as the 4 weeks were over, she blocked me on fb and over the phone told me that her decision was divorce. As much as I had any chance to speak to her through the 3 months,(since she was avoiding communication with me) she kept trumping every debate with “it’s my choice”. I couldn’t challenge that, not even God could. I told and showed her my efforts of changing and that I was going to the counselor to gain more than just visiting bishop alone. She’d say, “that’s good and I recognize that you are changing, but it’s too late, and I’ve made my choice” She simply did not care for anything anymore and became extremely hard-hearted. Some of her arguments were that, She didn’t want to go to couples therapy because we’ve already done many sessions of counseling and bishop visits in the past years and things did not change. Or that I’ve sat you down and spoken to you about these issues. Which is true, but me being the foolish husband I was, didn’t think it was that serious at the time and that over a few more years, we’d be polishing these things out naturally. She debated that it should’ve been polished out by the 3rd or 4th year of our marriage, and not fight or argue anymore. I pleaded with her and said that many couples still argue, though slightly, while in their 60s or 70s. yet we can accomplish complete unity much earlier than that, but year 7 was still work in progress. She didn’t agree. Around Christmas, she went to spend about 2 weeks with her family 3 hours north (this was during the December separation). So at home alone, I found her “5 love languages book” and read it cover to cover. I even read parts of “Helping and Healing our Families” and “Strengthening our Families” both based off the Family Proclamation. They are both great books of instruction and understanding. It opened my mind up so much to my rotten reactions and it’s psychological effects on my wife. There were so many gems that if followed, would turn any home into a temple. She didn’t care about the 5 Love languages, and called it BS and that it never worked on me. I pointed out that it did, because I had noticed a change in her before the incident made her snap. I said I knew something was different about her but I didn’t know what. I had never read the book and took the Idea before as goofy. But after reading the book with the state of mind I had now, I understood what she was going through, or doing for me. I tried to console her that the book stated the same thing that our prophets and apostles would teach about a marriage at the brink of divorce, that if we worked together to bring it back, it becomes an even stronger relationship never to become weary again. She didn’t care to believe me or dare to even give it a try. She was against everything, even saying “why would I want to come back to a husband I hate?” Some of my faults were that I wasn’t intimate enough with her. She said that we were living like roommates and weren’t spending time together. Though I thought that things were actually fine. In some fights, I would say harsh things, but only, and only in the height of my emotions. Never have or would I say anything of that hurtful nature in regular arguments or everyday conversations, at all. Nor did I think it. Didn’t use vulgar language either. Just harsh criticism that I’m ashamed to mention more of. The worst thing about me is that I would shut down in fights and be emotionally distant for a few days. I would just go quiet and as John Gottman describes, would stone-wall her (another thing I learned going through this ordeal) This is what would give her that psychological pain, where she had no idea how to get me to respond or had all kinds of racing bad thoughts. In my mind I thought that I was saving a bad fight from getting worse or longer, and didn’t want to continue. But she was mentally struggling since she needed responses from me. I had no idea what she was going through. Though now I do. When the incident made her snap, she ended up cutting her emotional connection with me and in a sense, stone-walled me. That was the point when she gave up. But didn’t say anything to me for nearly 7 days, and I was freaking out of my mind, wanting a response from her, but I kept my cool too, not wanting to bring the fight up again. On the 7th day she turned to me and said we need to talk, and I just burst out, “yes we do please” (feeling all scared inside) This was when I realized what I had been putting her through for the past few years. She didn’t stone-wall me as a “taste of your own medicine” treatment, but she was simply done and disconnected her feelings and emotions from me. Essentially abandoning the relationship that October. We didn’t fight/argue all the time, we had many more good times too. But if the fights went long enough, then would I get to that point of shutting down, though otherwise, we’d solve the issue. But that was another thing she didn’t like – when I did stone-wall, the issue was not resolved and pushed away. Now that I know what my behavior truly resonates, I am absolutely adamant to NEVER do it again, to anyone, period. I’ve finally learned that part of my behavior and words are considered to be psychological and emotional abuse. Never in the world thought I to be capable and guilty of such things. The more I read from the books and googled the principles, the more I realized my words, acts an effects. Though not to extreme levels of some crazy abusive families, I had been unaware of what little I was doing. Crying as I type this, I hate myself so so much for being like this and wish I learned better earlier. She is/was the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life. And if I just swallowed my pride long enough and apologized more often while following her humble pleadings, our relationship would’ve been superb by now. I wish the earth would just open up and swallow me out of existence. I’m so ashamed of myself, and my good parents, and wonderful friends that respected me. I so humbly tried my best to apologize and plead for her loving forgiveness and her return. But the divorce is in process and as I observe her with her friends and family, she hasn’t a care in the world of letting me go. Multiple times, she said she’ll forgive me someday, but that she’ll surely never coming back. It seemed like no one could or even would do anything. Even the counselor she was seeing was not a member, though a Christian and is a “marriage/family” counselor, I don’t know what she was feeding my wife. I made her my counselor too, but she didn’t seem to be interested in helping me gain my wife back. Sadly I’ve read many places online that counselors these days only care about their client’s “personal” happiness regardless if it dissolves a marriage or not. I can’t verify this. But according to the counselor, she said that my wife was “losing hope”(I learned of this while 2 mths of pleading my wife to stay and professed my resolved to change my communication), but there may still be a chance. I know that we can’t take other people’s free agency away, but I was hoping that a church leader could encourage some type of reconciliation workshop for the relationship before resorting to divorce. The bishop seemed cornered when she said it was her choice. Seemed the best he could do was send us Uchtdorf’s talk about “In Praise of those who save” which also had gems of marriage redemption. And I considered myself guilty of nearly every vice of pride in the first paragraph of “Set aside pride” section of the talk. I’m doing what I can to repent. But I cannot prove my change in word and deed to a ghost. But as much as I admitted my mistakes and that I now know better in being a more supportive husband, She remained cold. Much of the counsel that brethren from the church has given me is to give her some time after the divorce to let her remember the good times. And perhaps approach her again. Another in church though we weren’t compatible (but I don’t believe in soul mates at all). And most others have advised me that she’s been suffering for a while contemplating the idea, and has now executed it, so let her go and move on. My parents and a coworker understood my incredible heartache for her. They said that it was because she was my first (and only) girlfriend who became my wife. Dating in college I dated girls once or twice before letting them go. Never got serious. Nor did I date in High school. But she was special and I know I couldn’t let her go. I know that I’ve faulted in several ways that have become negligent of her, or taking our sealing for granted. But I’ve awoken from my prideful slumber and am trying to turn my world back right-side up, and nothing is working. Frighteningly, she does not seem to be the same woman I knew just days prior to the incident. There is so much more I could share. But I think this is long enough for now. If you have other questions I could try to answer it for you. Please, if there is anyone out there with some way to help me gain back the Goddess I once took for granted, I will be forever in your debt. Please anyone. Yes there were bad times, but is outweighed by the good times which were extremely memorable and I loved spending time with her, hearing her laugh at my jokes while grocery shopping, or looking for Christmas/birthday gifts for family, walking through the mall, and visiting other members and having dinner with them, and talking about deep doc with her. I’ve pictured our lives and future children together for the longest time, and it would kill me to think that she’s preparing herself to seek and seal herself to another. Please, if anyone has stories of how something in my state can be redeemed, I’d love to hear it.
  7. In the past, going to general conference priesthood sessions often felt like presenting myself to be punished for a crime I didn't commit. Priesthood holders have been repeatedly told they needed to stop exercising "unrighteous dominion" over their families and stop verbally or physically abusing them. Women, in contrast, seemed to have just been reminded they are selfless, wonderful, special spirits. To my relief, as deserved as the rebukes may have been (the average men are idiots, you know), the priesthood rebukes seem to have softened a bit (an observation also noted by another ward brother). Nevertheless, it still bothers me; don't sisters ever abuse people? I know women may be less likely to physically hurt a family member but, as we all know, emotional scars from words can last as long as physical scars. My wife and her siblings were severely abused verbally by their mother and this legacy has been unfortunately felt in our home. I know several couples where the husband seems to be the abused one (dare I say they are brutally "henpecked" and criticized). As part of an informal poll, I am asking: is this relatively female version of abuse actually a common-but-understated thing in the church?
  8. I honestly don’t know how to start this, I’m not even sure why I’m here. I guess I’m just looking for some hope in this situation. So in the beginning of September, my husband asked me to call him after I got off work, and he told me he had left. We’d been married a little over a year at that point, and while it wasn’t perfect, I thought our marriage was solid and had potential to become even better with time and dedication. But unfortunately, behind everything that seemed great, my husband had been struggling terribly with depression. And he never felt like he could talk to me about it. And there’s a few contributing factors to that, my communication when he would open up to me would often leave him feeling bad for asking because I would express that I felt like I was a bad wife because I couldn’t help him more (I have some self esteem issues with that, and it’s kinda how my parents would communicate with me, so it’s a learned behavior that I've been trying to get out of for a while), or because he always felt like he needed to come to my rescue because I have depression and anxiety as well. And while it may have been really bad during the beginning of our relationship, I had felt like I had gotten more control over that part of my life since then. But regardless, this is about him. He admits that most of the fault there lies on him for just not communicating to me earlier how he felt, but all of those feelings eventually accumulated one day and he just broke and moved back in with his parents. It was a huge shock for me, and still is. Here’s the problem- We don’t want to get divorced. But we both see this situation so differently. He feels that he needs to work on himself right now and that he won’t be in a state to be in a relationship for a long time. He has said that when he prays, he gets the feeling that we’re meant to be together, but he can’t be with me right now or we aren’t meant to be together as a married couple. And he doesn’t want to do counseling, because he feels and has heard from other people that couples counseling is just us talking to each other while a therapist acts as the referee (which is probably sometimes the case, but not necessarily). On my side of things, however, after my pleadings with the Lord and visits to the temple and priesthood blessings, etc, all I can feel is that 1. Our marriage was not a mistake, 2. To not get divorced, but we do need this time to be separate and I to just be a friend and support to him, and 3. Just keep fighting. The first two things, I get for the most part. But I’m having such a hard time fighting and remaining hopeful. We still see each other a lot, we work at the same place, go to the same Star Wars role playing game every Friday, and have recently agreed to meet up at least to get food and chat once a week. But I can feel us drifting and that scares me to my core. He says he feels good just being friends for now, that he likes having my support. And I can see it helping him. And he still loves me, he still breaks down about how terrible he feels that all of this is happening, how he wishes he felt like he could come back but just doesn’t. And he’s being more honest with me than he’s ever been, which is nice. But I don’t want us to become “just friends”. We both had powerful feelings that we were meant to marry each other before we got married, I imagined a future together and he would get revelatory dreams of what our kids would look like and how happy they’d make us. Neither of us want to become just friends, but it seems like he’s resigned himself to that being the only option because he is so depressed, and I’m left to be the only one to carry all the hope. But I’m terrified. We’ve been apart for almost 2 months now and it just feels worse and worse. I feel like I’m losing hope more and more each day. And I can’t force him to come back, I dont want to. I want him to feel ready to, I don’t want to make him feel like he needs to hide his feelings again. I guess what I’m asking here is if anyone has gone through anything similar, and if it worked out, how it worked out. I get the feeling that if I hang on, we can work it out, but that depends on things I can’t control so much that I don’t know what to believe. So I guess if anyone has any advice or hope to give me, it would be really welcome.
  9. Brothers and Sisters, I have written on this site before and have deeply appreciated and also enjoyed the responses from my posts. Since then I have spent much time on this site https://talkaboutmarriage.com/forumindex.php perhaps to my own peril, but the constant stories of infidelity, which are obviously not healthy to continuously read upon, are definitely making me paranoid that my future partner (whoever that may be) will default to mortal "imperfection" and even up develop an emotional/physical affair with someone else. I think it is developing as a huge paranoia of mine even though I have personally not been cheated on. Ive noticed many situations where people have been blindsided by their spouses betrayal and abuse, and it truly appears like the worst type of pain in the world. Its actually something one of my professors briefly discussed in one of my religion classes and like he said, the infidelity of ones' spouse can inflict pain upon ones soul. It is unlikely that I will remain in isolation and avoid women (LDS) for the rest of my life, so if any of you wise brothers and sisters have advice on what has made your relationships successful and has nullified the fear of spousal betrayal, would you mind sharing it? Thanks P.S I recently read this story https://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/370602-wife-choosing-other-man.html and in many ways, it reminded me of a relationship I was in not too long ago where I had a strong desire to marry this person. These stories do make me feel slightly unsure that if we had taken the direction of marriage, that I also could potentially face the same result.
  10. Jeeshway

    Marrying a Non Member

    I am currently dating a Non Member. I am in love with her. We've been dating for a really long time and know everything about eachother. She has made it clear that she doesn't want to join the church, but completely supports me to continue to be active in it. We've talked about things like marriage and children and tithing that would affect our relationship because of a religious difference. Idk if this is normally taboo for a Mormon guy like me to say but, I don't want to have kids. If I do, then I'll be happy with them, but... I don't plan on having any. And we talked about that as well and we feel the same way. Certain things I stay far away from for religious reasons such as drugs, alcohol, and pornography//bad movies , She stays away from for other reasons. Although anonymous I don't wish to share those reasons, but I know that she could/would never want to drink, or do drugs or anything like that. I want to marry her. And, we haven't tied any knots yet, but I know she wants/plans on marrying me as well. After reading some of the posts about things like this it seems like marrying a Non Member is some crazy sin. Is it really a sin? Also, I've always been taught that sex is between a legally and lawfully wedded man and wife. If we got married, though not in the temple it would be legal and lawful. So what's wrong with marrying her? I feel really good, and happier than I've ever been before when I think about marrying her. I have prayed about my relationship with her, and, all I can tell is that I'm happy with her. And honestly, I'd like to believe that later on in life she might want to be baptized, and if not I will still love her the same and be happy the same. I want to be with her, even if that means I can't make it into the highest part of the celestial kingdom.
  11. PS this is going to be a long post. This is my first post on this site and boy, I am so grateful that this site exists. I have been reading through some discussions related to my issue and whilst it doesn't give me any answers (only prayer and scripture reading can do that) it does give me slight comfort. I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for just less than six months. Over the first two months of dating she has mentioned on numerous occasions that she is undecided about serving a mission. Last year she spoke to her then Bishop about serving a mission but due to the lack of communication between them both, it didn't become her priority and then she and I started dating. For context I am a 21 year old international convert studying at BYU. My *girlfriend is 20 years old and has grown up in the church and is also studying at BYU. Obviously I want to be respectful of my *girlfriend when sharing certain details about our relationship, but to summarize, her parental relationship is split. I am the only member of the Church in my family. I have been a member for over two years and she has been a member for all her life. About 4 months into the relationship she had a meeting with someone very involved in her life, and she told me that the result of the meeting would going to determine whether or not she was going to serve a full time mission. I fully expected her to say that she is going to serve a mission and even in the weeks before when she and I were discussing it, I did tell her that I have no intention of dating a return missionary especially since I myself am not a return missionary and by the standard of the church, it ought to be the other way around. I did however advise her to continue praying about it. After her meeting she told me that she is not going to serve a mission, and to be completely honest, I was relieved. I really liked this girl and I felt that she liked me. Both of us have dated the same number of people before we met each other (under 10) and this is our first serious relationship with anybody. I remember telling myself before her meeting that if by any chance she doesn't go on a mission, I will think seriously about marrying her. So fast forward a few months and over time we begin to develop an extremely strong physical attraction to each other and it got pretty bad. After a discussion we had, we both felt that it was appropriate for us to see the Bishop. We both saw her Bishop and even though I didn't know what the outcome of that meeting would entail, I am so grateful that we both saw him together. Later, I saw my own Bishop and we have both learnt that we need written guidelines to help quell our physical attraction to each other. It has been harder and harder of recent and part of me is a little relieved that we mutually broke up two days ago hence the * next to girlfriend; however our break up is another story in and of itself. About a month ago after hanging out with my *girlfriend I was about to leave her apartment until she stopped me and said that the Lord has communicated to her that she should go on a mission. As you might bet, I was distraught as I had already had multiple serious conversations with her about marriage, and apart from the values we both share within the church, there are many other standards that we agree must be upheld to promote a stable family unit. She has convinced me that she understands what it will take for a marriage to be sustained for eternity and I believe I have also convinced her. However, of course, she wanted to go on a mission. After a lot of tears on my end I did not feel like I could break up with her just because she wanted to serve the Lord. It took some pride swallowing but I believed (and still do) that I will never find another girl like this girl and even though my *girlfriend has continually encouraged that while she is serving, I should date other people, part of me wants to test how long I can hold out until she gets back. I have no intention of dating other people whilst she is gone as I do truly believe that both of us have what it takes to raise a family together. Since last week, my *girlfriend has felt extremely conflicted about her mission and has mentioned that she wants to marry and raise children with me. She knows that I absolutely want to marry her and even though I have made that obvious months ago, I have done my best to be supportive of her mission since she mentioned it and I have even mustered the courage to say "I think you should go on a mission" even though I am well aware that she most likely won't come back looking to marry me. Last Sunday we went to church together and afterwards she shared something her mother sent her via text. For context, my *girlfriend's mother has been extremely adamant that her daughter should serve a mission. The mother has served a mission and whilst the mother's life has taken a nasty turn after she married a convert who was above the age range to serve a mission, she is extremely adamant that her daughter should serve a mission and part of my *girlfriend's mother's reasoning appears to be that her daughter will be condemned if she doesn't. Even as a convert I understand this desire for your children, boys or girls, to not only serve but to marry someone who has also served, so when I saw what my *girlfriend's mother sent her, we both discussed it and agreed upon the significance of the words from Spencer W.Kimball which said, "The question is asked: Should every young man fill a mission? And the answer of the Church is yes, and the answer of the Lord is yes. Enlarging this answer we say: Certainly every male member of the Church should fill a mission, like he should pay his tithing, like he should attend his meetings, like he should keep his life clean and free from the ugliness of the world and plan a celestial marriage in the temple of the Lord” (Spencer W. Kimball, “Planning for a Full and Abundant Life”, Ensign, May 1974, 86). So after a long and tearful discussion about this specific speech we both agreed that we did not have any intention to disregard the Lord's commandment and we mutually broke up two days ago. Just writing this to an anonymous forum makes me feel a little apprehensive but I have seen the replies from other posts and I am confident that I will be able to see extremely insightful replies regarding my situation with my *girlfriend. I know of course that I need to keep praying and reading scripture. I have seen my Bishop about this and he gave me great council regarding this dilemma in our relationship.
  12. A little background: My husband is a convert. He joined in 2008, served an LDS mission, and we have been married since his return (2011). We have 2 daughters here on earth and 1 angel in heaven. He has been lying and drinking behind my back for the past six months and I finally confronted him. He's not sorry for drinking and breaking his covenants, or for being unworthy of the priesthood. He doesn't really want to change. He's only sorry for how it has made me feel, and has said just that. It feels like everything church related has been for me, to get me. I wouldn't date him cause he wasn't mormon. He became mormon. I wanted to marry a returned missionary. He became one. I thought no one would do that just to be with me, but currently, it sure feels like he did all that just for me. Which is never what I wanted. So in addition to having the burden of doing everything gospel related in the home, I also feel like it's my own fault. He lied to me for 6 months. He doesn't feel like he needs to talk to the bishop, or stop drinking, since he isn't addicted. But he'll do those things if I want him to. I told him I don't want him to do it for me. That he needs to do it because he wants to, not for me, and that until he gets there he should do what he wants. But despite all this, he says he has a testimony. He also got really angry at me and said what have I done for the church, since I didn't go on a mission and he did. Where do we go from here? Counseling? Divorce? Who can I turn to? Who can I tell? I feel all alone. And that I am failing everyone around me.
  13. I have been married for two years. About two months after we got married my husband started playing video games. I started dating him partly because he didn't play video games. Anyway we get home from work, eat and then he plays on his computer until midnight everyday. On Saturdays he doesn't come to bed until four or five in the morning. Another issue is that he can talk to his mom, sister, and best friends for hours. But when it comes to me we can only talk for about five minutes before he starts yelling. I'm sick of being yelled at and ignored. I know it's my fault. After we got married I found out that having kids will be very difficult. That's hard to find out in the Mormon culture. I've had three surgeries so far and still a long road ahead before we finally get to the point where I will have a 60 percent chance of carrying a baby full term. It's hard on me, but I know it's hard on him too, and maybe having and telling is just how he is getting through it. Ignoring me is easier than dealing with our issues. I stopped trying which finally got him to notice me. So now he is trying (which usually only lasts a week or so). But after each time he starts trying and I forgive him, he goes right back to ignoring me. Each time the ignoring part of it pattern lasts longer. I don't want to give him the ability to keep hurting me like that. Maybe it's better to end things now before kids are in the mix. Maybe it would be easier to be a single Mormon who can't have kids than a married one who can't. Then he would have the chance to meet and marry a girl who can give him what he needs because I just can't.
  14. A little background about me: I was born into the church to a single mom. We were inactive until I was about 7, and by this time my mom had married my stepdad. I got baptized at 8. We moved out of state when I was 16 and my parents became inactive, which made my young siblings become inactive. I quickly fell to inactivity as well. My marriage story: Six years ago at 17 I met my now husband, who was not a member. I broke the law of chastity with him while we dated. We got married when I was 18, and he is 7 years older- we had dated for a year. Although I did love him, I also felt like I HAD ago marry him since I'd slept with him, feeling guilty due to my upbringing in the church. I honestly was not totally ready for marriage but I convinced myself I was. Plus my parents were about to move out of state again and I would not "shack up" with a boyfriend so I rushed the marriage even more. I wasn't sure he was totally ready either, but it later seemed he just acted like he was to not disappoint me. Our first year married was tumultuous. He was from another country and a much more traditional culture: women were responsible for all housework, cooking, and child rearing. I was 18, so I was taking college classes and I worked full time but was still expected to take on the home responsibilities. This caused a lot of tension and fighting, as I felt I was being treated unfairly. He made much more money than I did and often felt justified by that and his upbringing. I am impatient and can be sassy but he would be pretty cruel in his words. He often drank. It wasn't unusual for him to get drunk, although he knew I hated it- this also caused fights. He often accused me of cheating while not at home- more fighting. Three holes had to patched up in doors/walls at our first apartment. He was a good man despite these issues and never physically hurt me but our tempers and stubbornness did a lot of emotional/verbal damage to each other and it was clear we had not prepared for marriage properly as far as actually doing it for the right reasons and having certain important discussions before rushing into it. He seemed ready for divorce in the first year, and I was miserable too, but I didn't want divorce and always tried to end problems quickly, but he just wanted things done on his own terms. A year after marriage I got pregnant. At 20 I had our child. I thought this would mostly fix our issues. In some ways it did, but bad things continued as stress increased and sleep decreased. I developed a mild-moderate post partum depression and felt numb to most things, and had no motivation for anything besides my child's well being. Our fights were still ongoing. We faced crippling financial issues which seemed to fuel many fights, along with housework and cooking not being done due to being an exhausted and depressed first-time mom. I started to think he may be cheating, too. In some fights he even said he was only here for the baby. A friend invited me back to church soon after I had my child, so I went. I started going regularly and had my child blessed. My husband was never against the church, but worked every Sunday and did not care to go out of his way to attend. I was a stay-at-home mom for two years and continued to attend church, sometimes missing a week, but not enough to be inactive again. The same relationship issues were happening. I sought help from the bishop's first counselor, who referred us to a marriage counselor from LDS Family Services- the ward funds paid for part of it and we set up monthly payments for the rest. Our counselor helped us be very honest and open about our feelings. At this point I was burned out by the marriage and did not have much desire to continue it. Things would temporarily improve in specific areas that the counselor had us work on, but old habits would come back quickly and ruin what we'd seemingly patched. I honestly felt more of a best friend type of love than a romantic type of love towards him- for some reason I also didn't feel very attracted to him anymore (he didn't physically change or anything like that) but I didn't share any of this. I spoke about how I wanted a sealed, active family and that I felt I'd never have it with him. He offered to start coming to church, and he did, but I could tell he didn't understand just how important this was to me. He's the type that goes on Sundays but doesn't make it his lifestyle. I wanted an LDS-lifestyle in my marriage and I needed a companion who could help keep me in check, and we could keep each other motivated & accountable. It seemed clear that this wouldn't happen, even though he enjoyed going on Sundays and attending ward functions. Towards the end of our sessions it seemed I grew less and less motivated to continue the marriage and my husband became more motivated. In one of the last sessions, the counselor asked us to decide if we still had hope and would continue working on it, or if we'd lost all hope and would divorce. I knew what I wanted but didn't feel "justified" since there hadn't been physical abuse, abandonment, or known affairs. I had love for my husband but would feel awful. I was honest and said I was unhappy and felt hopeless. I didn't want to wait years on end to feel happiness from the marriage, or possibly never reach that point throughout my life in the marriage. My husband was shocked, since I'd not shared these feelings during the sessions- I had been hoping I'd suddenly have a revelation that would shut down my fears and figured I shouldn't hurt anyone's feelings, if mine were going to change anyways. I also thought about my son, who'd live in broken home if divorce happened. I went home with every intention of it being over. My husband was angry and hurt, and I felt bad, but I also felt free after declaring my decision. He very rarely cries but he did. I told him that I still loved/cared for him and thought he was a wonderful father and that I wanted him to remain active in our child's life and to be a good role model. I was worried he may resort to drinking again. He said he couldn't promise that he wouldn't resort to his old ways. This worried me greatly. I didn't want that for him or for my child. Something in him switched and the very next day he was cleaning the house, cooking, etc. It was obvious he was trying to win me over. I appreciated it, but in my mind it didn't change everything I felt, or the lack thereof. This continued for a couple weeks. We awkwardly avoided the divorce conversation but it became an unspoken decision that I wouldn't pursue divorce any longer, although I can't say that anything really changed in me. He took missionary discussions that summer (two years ago) and got baptized. This was great, of course, but I still longed for the LDS-lifestyle with my husband that I truly wanted since I was a youth. I thought about the missionaries (who were my age) and how spiritually mature they were and how much it appealed to me in a man. I had big doubts about whether my husband could/would ever get there. He had to work many Sundays so he was just partially active with attendance. However he'd quit coffee, hadn't had alcohol even for awhile before missionary discussions, and tried to read the scriptures. The scripture reading and daily praying didn't last long, which didn't surprise me. His consistency isn't the best. This only made me more discouraged about having the marriage/family that I wanted and felt I really needed. Later that fall I started my first job since motherhood; it was full-time and I found a lot of fulfillment there. For over a year everything at home stayed the same. We didn't really fight anymore. If we had a disagreement he often just backed down and diffused it right away but nothing was ever really resolved either. It was just an at-least-we're-not-fighting-anymore numbness. I continued to have a lack of romantic love for him but no heart or courage to say anything or to just end it. I didn't want to hurt him or our nearly 3 year old. We didn't tell each other we loved each other. We've continued to have sex (although not as often as when we were dating or as newlyweds) but I often hid that I really didn't want to do it. (He would never force me, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings with constant rejection.) He would kiss me on the cheek or forehead sometimes but I wouldn't kiss him. I didn't want to hold his hand, hug, or cuddle. I truly felt like he was just a close friend and actually felt awkward being physically intimate in any way with him. I interpreted this as not being in love with him anymore, if we ever truly were. This last fall we got into an argument before I went to see a girlfriend of mine. It seemed to be okay by the time I left. I got back home and he took off to hang out with friends. He came home nearly at 3am and was very drunk. I was shocked and disgusted. I told him to sleep on the couch. It brought back so many terrible memories from the past and I immediately felt like I wanted this marriage to end and prayed to know what to do. Worried he'd lost all his cash or may damage his car/himself, I searched his pant pockets to hold onto his wallet and keys in case he tried to leave again. In one pocket I found a small 3-count box of condoms- but there were only two inside. It was as if this was an immediate answer to my prayer. I was devastated by the betrayal. Even through my feelings I had, I would never cheat. He was passed out so I texted him that it was over. I was so distraught that I called off work the next day- how long had he been doing this? The next day he came to me and swore the condoms were from a moving box that was still in his truck (we'd just moved in with my grandma) and that he'd taken them out to bring inside. I honestly didn't know what to believe. He's a very loyal person, I thought, but I also thought back on a couple of fishy situations involving other women that happened before we got married and felt increasingly doubtful he was being truthful now. For a couple weeks I lived in total discomfort. I felt filthy sleeping next to him. I only really spoke with him when it came to childcare arrangements. He kept saying we needed to talk but I was too angry and upset. Finally he cornered me in the living room and begged me to talk. He wanted to know what was going to happen from here. He'd already made an appointment with a lawyer for himself. He said he was going to move out right away. I said this was a bad idea since we were tight on money and that he should stay in the spare room while we figure things out. He just wanted to leave, feeling weird that we'd be separated and still living together at my grandma's house. He then brought up our child. He was afraid I'd take our nearly 3 year old away from him. I assured him I would never do that, not having had a close relationship with my own biological father due to distance. I shared my concerns about our child being in an less-than-ideal environment if my husband became inactive in church, took up drinking again, had women over, etc. He made it seem as though that was "just too bad" because divorce was what I wanted. By the end of the talk, he begged me for another chance. I explained what I'd said before: I don't want to wait indefinitely for happiness. It was clear to me that we were not even in love with each other anymore. He said that we could fix it and that if it wasn't better by the end of the year we could get divorced if I wanted to. I told him I didn't want to try anymore but if he really felt this strongly about maybe changing my mind about this marriage, I'd let him try. It's now been 9 months since then. My grandma passed away two months ago and that took a big toll on me, and still does. We attend the ward I was born into and the ward my grandma had been in for nearly 50 years. That part feels right. I've been promoted at work and things are going great there. In the marriage we're back to where we were nearly two years ago. Comfortable and not really fighting, but still I have a lack of romantic feelings. I'm not "miserable" or necessarily "unhappy" because other big things in my life are going fine, but my marriage doesn't bring me happiness. I still don't hold his hand, hug or cuddle with him. I still don't kiss him. I still don't really want to have sex with him, although I do in order to spare his feelings. Physical intimacy in any form feels so awkward, probably because I feel we aren't in love or are even heading down that path. I don't see an eternal companion with my husband. He attends church as often as possible but again I don't see the priesthood leader that I want and need in a husband. He's been a member for two years and it seems he still doesn't have a strong testimony or a strong grasp of the gospel. Spiritual maturity is just not there. I'm only 23 now but I feel time is escaping me so quickly. He is a great man and has truly made great changes but I can't help but feel he is just not the one for me. I feel like we've just crammed a square into a circle but that it will eventually pop out, and I don't want to wait until this happens in order to move on. We haven't been sealed yet, either, and I'm definitely not pushing for it while being so unsure of this marriage. I think of how life would continue after a divorce: when I remarry, will my "ex" allow our child to be sealed to me and my new spouse? Will my "ex" even stay active in the church? Will my child become inactive if my "ex" does and doesn't have support & encouragement from both parents? Will we still attend the same sacrament meetings together for awhile? I'm so overwhelmed by this and want a clear answer. I have prayed many times about it over the last 3 years but don't feel I've ever received a clear answer, or maybe I'm just not in tune with the spirit the way I need to be. I'm consumed with guilt over my feelings and haven't told my husband or anyone else. I'm at a loss and just don't know what to do. I will continue to pray about it but I've never been great at finding answers to my prayers and am not really sure how to do so. I'm willing to wait til the end of the year to have a sure answer, but until then, this is so hard on me and I'm really not sure what to do. Any constructive advice or related experiences are welcome.
  15. Emmanuel Goldstein

    High Priests and Elders

    Last Sunday I taught the lesson in my Elder's Quorum meeting. We watched a video clip of Mary in the tomb and Jesus telling her to "touch me not." I asked the question, how do you think Mary felt in seeing the ressuredted Lord? Immediate a High Priest hand shot into the air and he said, "Who is the first person you want to see after you go on a long trip?" I get it, you think Mary was Jesus' wife. I responded, "There is no scriptural support that Jesus was married to Mary." His response was typical of him, "I was once sitting with Marion D. Hanks in his office in Salt Lake and we were talking about this. He said, 'We know Jesus was married, and we are pretty certain that we know who she was." This was followed by an Elder that said "In the Greek it does not mean 'touch me not.' It means 'embrace me not." Can I just say I am so sick of my 15 minute lesson being high-jacked by quorum members that have inside information on the "deep mysteries" of God. Please, just keep it to yourself. My calling is already stressful enough with my time always getting cut in half because of the leadership taking 15 minutes to discuss Ministering, Ministering and how we can Minister better. I don't care how fast Kolob spins on it's axis, who the angel was that showed Abraham his vision or how many angels can dance on the head of a pin. I just want to teach my abridged lesson and go home to eat lunch with my family before I have to prepare for the next day of underpaid work. Now I know why the High Priest instructor always just gave a lecture and did not ask questions.
  16. Hi, my wife and I have been married for 5 years. We always thought that we would just know when the time is right to have our first chid, we thought we may get some kind of sign or we would both just have a feeling that it is right. My wife thinks that she wants to have a baby but we have prayed about it and neither of us have received a definitive answer that it is the right time to try and have a baby. Practically, speaking we are more than ready to have a child but I know it is a huge responsibility so I want confirmation from the Holy Spirit that it is a good thing. My wife she is more of the opinion that it can't be against god's will for us to have a baby so we should just have one. Which opinion do you think is right ? How did you know when was a good time to have your first child ?
  17. My story- I grew up in the church and never thought myself to do anything sexual before marriage. About three years Before getting married, something happened to me sexually from someone I thought I could trust. Anywho after this had happened I felt ashamed and felt it was my fault. My counslours Warned me that after bad sexual experiences, in my case ( forced) that I could potentially be sexually active in hope to change my “mental experience”. I started to feel comfortable again with men and myself, and soon I had a boyfriend. I found myself stuck in a very bad situation. He was a non member and didn’t understand why sex before marriage was a big deal. After months together, we were involved in a sexual relationship. Again I felt awful! And knew I had done something terrible, and couldn’t take it back. I went through the repentance process and eventually forgave myself for the sins I had committed. Now this story my husband does know about. My second story happened shortly after I broke up with the boyfriend in the first story. I had a new boyfriend and promised myself I wouldn’t ever make a sexual mistake again. I did. And I felt awful that it happened again. I went through the repentance process and eventually forgave myself for the second time. When my husband and I were dating, I told him everything I had done, except for this second boyfriend. He wasn’t very pleased, but he was grateful I had told him. This did haunt him for awhile, and we had a lot of problems come up because he kept asking me about it. To this day he still doesn’t know about this second boyfriend I made a sexual sin with. I repented and told my bishop everything in the process, but I still feel awful that my husband doesn’t know this. Is it wrong that I didn’t tell him? I guess you can say, I haven’t fully forgiven myself. It’s one thing to make 1 mistake, but 2 of the same mistake? That’s just pathetic. I hope you have some advice for me. Thank you for reading. Ray
  18. SweetJester

    Dating before divorce?

    I think I am posting in the right area. I didn't know whether to post in the Singles area, since I am not really..? A bit of background info: I was baptized when I was 21 and left the church not long after. I married a non member and we ended up separating in Dec. 2007 after over 5 years of marriage (no kids). I met a wonderful, active LDS man (I'll call him M) in Sept. 2008 when we were both on holidays in Europe. I truly believe we were meant to meet and he feels the same. We fell hard for each other and kept in touch ever since (we live 4000 km's apart and in different countries)! LOL We get together when we can, talk all the time and it is going great! I returned to the church in Dec. 2008 and am feeling confident and happy about being back. I know that even without this amazing guy that I would stay a part of the church, I have my testimony back and am thankful. My problem is this: I am still not technically divorced! Everything is in motion towards that (of course M knows about this). It could possibly take until summer until the divorce is finalized, possibly sooner. I have prayed about what to do regarding dating M while still technically married and I keep getting the feeling that I can proceed. M and I agree that once I am actually divorced we can plan a lot easier. Right now we are in the "exclusive to each other but lets keep it fairly quiet" stage. Our close friends know, and my family and they are all supportive. Are we doing the right thing? I know this is a silly question and I am not sure why its bothering me considering I have prayed about it and feel I am on the right path. Thanks for your help! ~SJ
  19. Hi, my bishop took away my temple recommend for no valid reason. I will explain what happened, I missed church for 3 weeks because I had work commitments that I couldn't get out of despite my best intentions. Also, a woman at church who is married was texting me because we are friends and I was only texting her back to be nice but apparently I sent her flirtatious messages (I didn't think they were at the time but I sort of see why they may be interpreted that way now). They were the 2 reasons the Bishop gave me to take away my temple recommend. I think he just prefers her husband to me so he is being unfair and spiteful. I am meant to be getting married in 10 weeks at the temple so this is a complete disaster. I made an appointment to see my stake President in a few days, do you think he will be fair? Or will he side with the Bishop? Do you know the general process? Will the stake President have the final say? Do I just need to get him on board or is it more complicated than that ?
  20. Blockmichael90

    HELP ME SAVE MY MARRIAGE

    Hello everyone I will make this brief as possible and I will take ANY advice that helps save my marriage. Im a recent convert, my wife (gf at the time) had me investigate and I chose to join. We have been together for 6 years married for 1. She is 23 I am 26. Since getting married she has been doubting whether she made the right decision. She tells me she's depressed and unhappy. I am a person who worries about everything. I worry one day she will cheat or lie. My worst nightmare became my reality yesterday when I found a picture of another mans (you know what) on her snap chat. She struggled to take her phone before I could get. I went into a rage. I yelled I screamed i told her hurtful things, the worst part is I grabbed her shoulder and push her away from me a couple times to keep her from taking her phone back. I am devastated. She is the woman I trust and love and our history is deep and eventful. She is the reason I wake up. I love her more than anything in this world and I left appalled Speech less and in more pain than I could ever explain. Her parents do not believe she had been chatting with the man and had asked for any pictures from him. I confronted the man and he went on to tell me they had flirted and she said "I wouldn't mind getting a picture" she never opened the Snapchat from him I'm assuming out of guilt but she knew it was there. After a lot of yelling and crying and some physical contact and her phone getting broke in the process she has left to her parents. She explained to them she doesn't know the man and he sent that unexpectedly. She lied to them to keep her innocent image with her family. I talked to her father and explained that I talked to the man and verified my wife encouraged him. She even told him she wasn't married. He went on to tell me I should believe my wife only. EVEN THOUGH I CAUGHT HER red handed and confirmed this with the guy. I'm devastated she has left me and is moving out. She doesn't expect we will be together and I'm now feeling rather suicidal. Please help me anyone.
  21. Doctrinal question from something that came up in a discussion I was in the middle of: In talking about who can be a Bishop it was brought up that a divorced fellow can’t be a Bishop. I didn’t know this or I had forgotten. I looked in the church handbook (Callings in the Church and it doesn’t specifically address this but it references a scripture passage in 1 Timothy (1 Timothy 3 ) and it says one of the qualifications is “the husband of one wife”. Is this portion of the scripture interpreted to mean not divorced? I guess that to me could mean several things, but the Lord’s interpretation is all that matters. Anyway, then someone asked if this included a man who had a marriage annulled? Is an annulment considered the same as a divorce in the eyes of the Lord and/or the Church?
  22. Hi everyone, I was hoping to get some advice from you all here. Long story short, I’m heading back to the U.S. to propose to my girlfriend. I am trying to think of some proposal ideas that have a personal touch as well as being kind of extravagant. So, if anyone can help with suggestions that would be great. I’ll be leaving about the 20/3 and will hopefully have an answer within the week. There is a chance she may not accept; although I have been praying about it for months and I feel the Spirit pushing me to go. So here I go ? M
  23. So I'm 25 and joined the Church just over a year ago. I'm the first of my family, so a lot of my personal battles are getting these two worlds to mesh. 6 weeks ago I started dating another member and we've really struck it off. We're already talking about getting married to each other. Once upon a time, I would have run screaming from such a relationship, but now I'm not scared. Now it feels right. I know it's relatively common in the church for people to meet, date, and propose in 6 months or less (which I swore wasn't going to be me but well here we are...) but it's not common outside the Church. I'm already having nonmembers express their concern for me. What have you done in similar situations? What can I say to assuage their concerns?
  24. Nick0123

    Tanning

    I have been dating this girl for awhile now. I have bought a ring and everything and we are deeply in love. There is one thing that has come up a couple of times that has been a source of contention. We always get over it but I just want some advice about what I should do. Okay so we will call her Susie. Susie loves to go tanning. I know it seems harmless to her. However I have read the statistics and just how dangerous indoor tanning actually is. Increased chance of melanoma by 75%. I expressed this concern in the nicest way I knew how but she did not like what I said. She reassures me that she will not get skin cancer but I dont know how she could know this. I just want her to be around when we have kids and not laid up in the hospital or recovering from skin cancer. Anways any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks!!