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  1. So I'm new to the forum but I want to share my story in case it is helpful to others going through similar challenges. My wife and I met when we were both students at BYU and we hit it off right away. We had similar interests and we can talk for hours, and we were both very attracted to each other. She is the curvy blonde with big lips that I like. We had a quick engagement and got married in the temple within 5 months of meeting. We chose to have a family pretty quickly and I've never regretted that decision. Now, cue the ominous music... After our second child was born and my wife stopped nursing, something went horribly wrong with her personality. She would keep me up all night ranting about nonsense, telling me that she was having religious visions or that she was going to die, call me constantly at work, or theorize on any number of other delusions. At one point, after she had gone multiple days without sleep, I literally had to lay on top of her and put my hand over her mouth to try to get her to sleep but she would just keep talking beneath my hand as though I could hear her perfectly. Thus began my introduction to her mental illness that was later diagnoses as bipolar disorder. Hers is the version with psychotic episodes, so she not only experiences mania, but she also has delusions that are flat out crazy. I ended up having to take her, usually against her will, to behavioral health facilities (euphemism for mental hospital) so she could be locked up and heavily medicated for 3 weeks at a time. They would pump her full of medicine and give her back to me when the insurance stopped paying, regardless of her condition. The stress of the situation would at times become almost unbearable, especially when she would cycle again and relapse into a nonsensical episode of psychosis after a period of relative stability. I did the only thing I could, keep my head down and work at my job to maintain the benefits that we so desperately needed, and to try to minimize the damage this craziness was inflicting on my children both socially and mentally. We had to move multiple times because of the way she treated our neighbors and ward members. Then, after a period of about 6 years of on-again off-again bipolar hell, we found a doctor who helped her. This doctor didn't take insurance so I was hesitant to use her initially, but it ended up being the best money I have ever spent. The doctor identified a mix of hormone supplements, anti-psychotics, and mood stabilizers that work. My wife was able to lose the weight gain that some of the medicines caused, she was able to manage her episodes with medicine and coping skils, and her personality came back. After years of being lost to our family, my wife came back. She has now been almost entirely stable, at least stable enough to avoid hospital stays, for 4 years now. It's an absolute miracle for our family. So many times I prayed for her, but it was honestly very hard to believe when she was in the depths of an episode, perhaps singing like an opera singer in an emergency room, that she one day could recover to the degree she has recovered. I know to most of you this won't be a story that you can relate to, but I also know that for some of you it will be all too familiar. For those in the later camp, I just want you to know that there is hope. Things can get better and your loved ones can learn to manage and treat their conditions if they are willing to try.
  2. I've been struggling with depression for as long as I can remember. To put things in perspective, my first suicide attempt was at the young age of 9 years old. It's been bad. For a little while, I thought I'd been relieved. I felt rejuvenated and like things were looking up. I had plans to serve a mission, get my degree, and maybe even one day get married! But then I got news that I had heart palpitations, and that I couldn't serve a mission. I got pretty depressed from that, and from there flunked my college classes. Now I have no future, no direction, and no motivation. I'd love to have a boyfriend, but that seems like a far, far, faaaar away reward, if it even happens at all. On top of all of this, my faith in God has become shaky, to say the least. I'm not confident in his existence sometimes, and no matter how much I've prayed, I haven't been able to find any peace or relief from the chaos and turbulence of whatever it is I'm going through. I have begged and pleaded for relief or direction or an answer or confidence or just the knowledge that everything would be okay. I have yet to receive any of these things. I've searched my scriptures for hope and strength and only grew more ashamed of myself and hurt and hopeless and overwhelmed. Somewhere deep down in my heart I think I have a testimony. I mean, I want to. I want to believe. So badly I want to get back on track and just know that I am doing what God wants me to do and get into that confident faithful spot that so many other members seem to have reached. I just want to be okay and I don't know that I ever will be. Please, has anyone else been here? Does anyone know what I'm going through? Do you have advice or wisdom to impart? Can you help me?
  3. The article below is one I am considering posting on a professional social media venue. However, it is a sensitive subject, so I thought I would vet it here first. Thanks buddies! Kevin Caruso, of, says that since suicide is not a crime we must stop saying that people “commit suicide.” ( Is he right? What does it mean to say that suicide is not a crime? In the United States, suicide is not illegal. So, as a civil matter, Caruso is right. However, suicide is broadly considered sinful—a spiritual crime. Both Catholicism and Protestantism (especially more conservative denominations) call suicide “mortal sin,” or even “self-murder.” Islam and Judaism generally concur. Dharmic traditions (Hinduism, Buddhism, etc.) also consider suicide a negative and unacceptable act. Caruso dismisses all such considerations, and insists that, “Suicide is not sin!” ( Instead of saying one commits suicide, Caruso prefers “death by suicide." He says the former term must be expunged from our vocabulary, because it is insensitive and stigmatizing. No and yes. It is not insensitive to state what a person did. It may be disheartening and sad, but not insensitive. Is it not more thoughtless to remove the deceased’s sovereignty and volition, by making it seem that suicide is somehow visited upon them? On the other hand committing suicide brings stigma. They violate spiritual tenants, and they deprive loved ones of spouse, child, parent, or even lover. “Well, they must have been crazy, so it’s not their fault.” There is a measure of truth in the statement. 30-70% of suicide completions involve depression or bipolar disorder. Of course, this means that 30-70% do not. Even amongst those who suffer from mental illness, we wonder if disease forces them to kill themselves. How much of the act is uncontrollable and how much is choice? Nobody wants survivors to experience unwarranted guilt. Likewise, broad brush condemnations and shaming have no place in suicide-survivor counseling. Jesus warned us not to judge, and we do well to leave the assessing of departed souls to God. Still, should we not discourage suicide attempts? Alcoholics suffer from an organic predisposition to their addiction. Nevertheless, we condemn alcohol abuse, because we know it leads to impaired driving and to verbal, mental and physical aggression. Likewise, even though “committing suicide” is not a felony, we must continue to say that it is wrong, bad, immoral, and that it hurts survivors. The way to love sinners is not by dismissing the sinfulness of what they do. Instead, we love them for who they are. Then we encourage them away from self-harm and towards the better expression of their God-given potential.
  4. Right now I hurt. I am grieving for the loss of my child who is still living. It's grief more exquisite than I have ever felt before. It comes in waves; sometimes the pain is acute, but it's always present and very heavy. Ever so slowly my active, happy, energetic, loving child is being taken away by a horrific disease called schizophrenia. I hate it, and I really mean hate. This disease blindsided me. It does not run anywhere in our families. I never thought I would have to reassure my child that there are not holes in their hands or that their skin is not falling off of their body. I never thought I would have to rebuke the voices that were constantly bullying and demeaning my child, telling my child things that are unthinkably mean and cruel. I never thought that I would have to hide medications and reassure my child that killing themselves will make things worse, not better. My child is no longer fluid in motion. They walk around rigid, almost paralyzed with paranoia and anxiety. I have to be extremely cautious with what I say as even the slightest hint of disapproval from me about even menial things can trigger an episode. I feel as if I have lost my child, but there is no closure, nor will there ever be for the foreseeable future. My child is also grieving. How do I comfort a child that knows they are losing touch with reality? They remember when school was fun and easy, and when it was possible to stay on task and learn. They clearly remember how they used to be in contrast with how they are now. I will not lie to them, so I reassure them with hope and love the best that I can, even though we both know the outcome for early onset schizophrenia is not very good. I am sharing my feelings here because I can't really share them with anyone else. The stigma that is associated with this disease is bad and we have only informed our closest relatives of our child's condition. I used to be one of those that though schizophrenia was all about crazy, violent, nut cases. I wish I could have learned that my preconceived notions were predominantly false in a different way. I am finding comfort in the tender words of our church leaders. I appreciate them now more than I ever have. Elder Holland's words are very reassuring. Elder Faust's words are particularly poignant to me right now. He said, "I have a great appreciation for those loving parents who stoically bear and overcome their anguish and heartbreak for a child who was born with or who has developed a serious mental or physical infirmity. This anguish often continues every day, without relief, during the lifetime of the parent or the child. Not infrequently, parents are required to give superhuman nurturing care that never ceases, day or night. Many a mother’s arms and heart have ached years on end, giving comfort and relieving the suffering of her special child." I testify to all of you that the anguish he speaks of is real. So I ask just one thing of you all. Be compassionate. Give comforting words. It might seem like someone is being a slacker or being a completed turd in their calling at church and it might be true. It also might be that they are spending more time with their child, suffering in silence, getting in as many good memories as possible, having no idea how much more of their child's mind will be taken and destroyed by a disease with no cure. I still have hope and faith. Medications are tempering a lot of the symptoms. We discovered the disease before a major hospitalizing breakdown happened, but even with this hope and the comfort of Jesus Christ it is a very heavy burden to carry. Please pray for my family. Thank you.
  5. First off. I am a mid single and I love it, however this will be a question about eternal marriage. I do not want this to come across as a bitter rant, because it isn't. Noooooo, no, no. The purpose of this topic is to gain insight and get some theraputic release into why mid singles who are in their mid thirties go straight up weird and desperate. I'll elaborate.......For the past 11 years I have met a sizable amount of members at church, "the majority of whom are return missionaries, college graduates, and obviously active because I wouldn't have me them in the first place" who, starting right around age 28 begin expressing this sadness about not being married and begin to develop a deep, bitter regret about life. This sadness has reduced full grown men to tears and turned other wise polite, timid, ermm "awkward" girls into raving lunatics. I know that a temple marriage is one of the main goals every Mormon who's really a Mormon should aim for however why is it that they go straight up cray cray? I have had girls every year for the past 7 years try to guilt trip me into dating them and ask me in public and online to marry them. One time when I refused to be this girl's boyfriend she started to scream, cry and stomp her feet on the ground at a mall in plain view of everyone. Just last year a friend of mine asked me to be her boyfriend in a McDonald's and when I told her that I wanted to just remain friends, she broke down and sobbed in plain view of everyone for a whole hour. That kicked off a 5 month-long, downhill slide that culminating with her going straight up psycho on me, shaming me on Facebook and an attempt to get me fired from my job. I'll spare you all the the details about the stuff others have actually said up on the pulpit (Fast Sundays) to try and get attention in some really, really poorly calculated attempt to appear adorkable because quirky is better than boring.... right? I'm sure you've all seen your share. I'm not trying to lampoon anyone but I just want some answers. Answers to questions like, What is it about this whole being alone thing and even this whole getting old thing where seemingly normal people willingly transform themselves into human train wrecks??? What gets switched-on "or off" in the minds of people when they near the big 3-0 that they go completely nuts? I am getting sick of dealing with it, and when I have talked about these experiences with others I get treated like there is something wrong with me for having had anything to do with these people. And to think this all came about from me interacting with them because of my callings in church or just by sitting within 5 feet of them. Also I am currently living in Honolulu, and from what I've heard my experiences are not just unique to the church... but it seems like there is a large number of slightly "off" people who come here. Any insights, suggestions, or advice would be greatly appreciated. Sincerely, Horrified and confused.
  6. with an eye grasping toward beyond yet coalescing upon the frail facade of this winter window adrift dark arid seas deepening Tycho’s metastasizing glare eclipsing hopeful emanations born of distant celestial asterozoa spawning frost-entangled cancroid ossicles of self-doubt echoes of a stranger staring back
  7. The apparent suicide of Josh "Leelah" Alcorn visited my home today. My 14-year old daughter showed me a People Magazine article that laid the blame squarely at the parents' feet. The child wanted to be a girl, the parents gave her Christian bigotry, so she kills herself. Never mind that they did not interview the parents, and that a former editor of People is transgendered. Thankfully, my child was livid at the media's bias and hatred of Christians. So, I did some internet digging. Fortunately, the Washington Post published a column about the abuses of "doxing," and urging supporters of trans-teens to be more imaginative and positive, rather than using the net to skewer the parents. Better yet, the Wall Street Journal had a column by a well-regarded psychiatrist who argues that sex change is never really possible, that sex reassignment surgery results in a 20-fold increase in the likelihood of suicide, and that 70-80% of those young adults who experience feelings of transgender ideation eventually have those thoughts resolve (go away). That the secular public is so willing to blame and hate on Christians causes me to double-down on my assertion that atheists are much more efficient and effective war mongers than religious people ever were.