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... And ashamed to say I've joined on behalf of myself and my needs. Although I have always had Heavenly Father in my heart, I have been inactive for years. Now that I am done with chemo, I have found the need to pray several times a day for the cancer to be gone forever. For strength both mentally and physically. And to ask for forgiveness thinking I could do this without His help. I can't. It has taken this happening to me to bring me back closer to Heavenly Father. I hope to gain from reading posts and gain strength and trust and faith. Thanks for welcoming me.

I'm sorry in advance if I say something wrong in this post. I've been a member since I was 11 years old in 1991 and a suicide griever since February 3, 2008. A good friend I'd known since I was about thirteen chose to cross the Veil at his own hand that day. :tears: My family and our bishop keep saying "you can only do temple work for your family" but this friend of mine was a young non-member named Will. His family set this site up for him, it has his picture on it: Will Jones Memorial I loved him (I still do) and I never got the chance to tell him! Maybe I could have saved him. . . He killed me too. :tears: Also, I didn't know anything about it until September 11 thanks to a series of "TRICKLE-DOWN" E-MAILS (as I call it) bounced between his mom, my dad and then it "just happened" to come to me: The first e-mail came from my father to me, 8-15-08: His exact words were: 1: "I heard from Rosie for the first time in a year. She needs someone to talk to. 'I lost my son earlier this year. He committed suicide this past Feb. I have had a hard time with it. Your friend-ship would be appreciated. Rosie' She loves you drop her a line dad." -------------------------------- I didn't see a name, so I automatically thought it was Rosie's other son, James. I didn't want it to have been James; I just didn't think my friend had done it. I'd forgotten most of the message because I'd had a seizure that day, but I remembered my 'father's' section of the message: 'she needs someone to talk to'. I send Will's mother a reply: 2: Hi, Rosie. Sorry I haven't been in touch in so long. We've been closing down the store. I got an e-mail from dad; he mentioned you needed someone to talk to? My end's always open. -------------------------------- Her next mail to me comes 8-21-08 at 11:29 pm: 3: Hi, I have been really down this year. I don't talk to your dad anymore except rarely, and a couple weeks ago when I was espically down I e-mailed him of that fact. He wrote me back that he was sorry that I was having a hard time and that is probably why he wrote you. I don't want to burden you with my problems, you have enough of your own. I'm sorry to be so gloomy. I love you, Rosie -------------------------------- I send a fast reply back the next morning at 9:22 am: 4: It's understandable. If it'll help at all I'll be praying for you. Hugs, Kelly -------------------------------- The next message I get from Rosie on 9-11-08 at 9:10 pm hit me like a knife; I read that e-mail and it literally felt like I'd been stabbed through the heart: 5: hey baby, I just talked to your grandmother. She told me your dad told ya'll about Will. I didn't know how to tell you. I hope you aren't mad at me. Any questions you want answered, just ask. I miss him so much. It has been really hard for me. I love you. Rosie -------------------------------- I'm in shock; I send her back a fast reply at 9:29: 6: I'm not mad at you, Rosie. Dad didn't tell me any details or names, he just said that something had happened. I didn't know it was Will until your e-mail tonight. I'm so sorry. What happened? -------------------------------- Her next e-mail to me at 10:04 pm was another knife: 7: Will felt like he couldn't live in this life anymore. He took his own life. He had been troubled for a long time. He is at peace now. If you have any questions you think I can answer, just ask. This has just about killed me, but I am doing better lately. I want to live for my James and April and my little grand-daughter, Austin. I love her with all my heart. I think Will wants me to get better to be a good grandmother for her. Love, Rosie -------------------------------- I send her a fast, stupid reply at 11:42 before I just lose it completely, start screaming and crying and can't stop: 8: I have a lot of questions and I don't know where to start. -------------------------------- Her next mail to me the next day starts off like this: 9: Ask me what questions you need to. I don't have all the answers but I will do my best for you. I have a lot of depression, I go up and down, half the week I'm up and half the week I'm down. WHY?! My family keeps saying really cold and insensitive things about Will's memory (Mom's a member of the Church, Grandma isn't) and I can't stand it anymore: "The boy was nothing to you" "Maybe this'll make his mother straighten up" "You need to get over it" They don't care about my feelings or me, just about the health insurance I'm bringing in. STUPID Medicaid. I wasn't there to help my friend. . . . I'm seriously thinking about going home myself February 3 of next year: There's a railway line that runs north to south through Melbourne FL near our ward building; our ward building's west of the railway. All I have to do is walk to the tracks, wait until a train's coming through, then just not move out of the way and let it finish the job. My family can take care of my insurance policy afterward. But at the same time I don't want to dump that job on someone else and have them stuck with the burden of sending me across the veil. I don't pray for help for myself or usually ask for prayers for myself but I'm hurting more than words can express and I don't know what to do. :tears: :tears: I'm sorry if I got on a rant. I didn't mean to. If this post is just in the way can someone delete it please?

Hello everyone, I have come to the forums many times and I have found knowledge and encourement. Now I come here for help and some guidence... I haven't gone to church for at least 6 months or so and I have felt o.k about it, but for family matters I fasted yesterday not the 24 hrs but 23.3 so today I want to fast again. My 15th year old nephew dissapear 11 days ago and we don't know anything about him so I fasted so we may know where to look or what to do, while fasting I felt closer to HF and good about it also with the desire to have faith and hope in my heart. Now I feel the desire to fast again even though my body may not feel great. If I fast and don't pay offerings is just about going hungry??, I have been told so. Is just that I dont go to church anymore. So means that if I dont go to church HF doesn't listen my prayers or see my sacrifice at all? I feel so desperate my nephew is missing and I want do everything in my power so he can have the blessing he may need now, Please any advice and prayers will be welcome.