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Found 22 results

  1. I have been contemplating the question of "what is a Christian" for awhile and have had some meaningful discussions with my now missionary daughter. She has had many such conversations with others as well. It has been interesting but I have found that there is no well articulated meaning. It changes to make one's point. I did a search on this subject in the forums here and found PrisonChaplain had just posted "What do Christians Believe?" and it was an interesting read and I was led further afield. I read on the web a statement by Matt Slick who said this, "Christianity isn't about rules and regulations to follow. It is about a relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ." This statement has stayed in my mind because it has been an anchoring point in the last year for me. The thing is, the more I think about it the more I ask, what do you mean when you say "a personal relationship with Christ?" I have not found any past op that has touched this subject so I'm asking for your thoughts. Definitions, experiences or what have you... I chose general beliefs because I'm not directing it to LDS specifically.
  2. Throwaway682

    please i need advice

    me and my girlfriend of 7 months were messing with eachother and calling eachother random names. i called her a cow without even thinking and immediately freaked out. she’s bulimic. i could tell she was hurt and it killed me. i shut down and tried telling her over and over again how i didn’t mean it but she just brushed it off. how do i convince her that i didn’t mean it? is my relationship ruined?
  3. Flowerthatdoesntwilt

    Not wanting kids

    I am a convert(meaning I joined the church later in my life instead of born into church) of 10 years. My family joined the church together. I love the gospel and the church. As a YSA (Young Single Adult), I hear a lot about importance of family and mother’s role in the family and having children. I fully understand why it’s important to have a family and have children. But it’s becoming clearer everyday that I don’t want to have kids. I wonder if I will ever be able to find someone to get married in the temple when I don’t want to have kids. I have dated someone seriously and this was one of the things we couldn’t agree on and we ended the relationship after dating for couple of years. Coming from a single-parent home, I am fully aware of the hard work that is required to be a good parent. As much as it’s taught in the church to have children when you are married, I sometimes feel that importance of being a good parent is not emphasized as much. Although I fully respect and love my mother for doing what she does to raise me and my siblings, I sometimes wonder how much happier she could have been if she didn’t have kids. She would have been able to leave her abusive husband much sooner. She would have been able to pursue her dreams and goals to be the person she wanted to be instead of being a stay at home mother like it is often asked of in woman. I thought that maybe I don’t want kids because of what happened between my parents and because I understand the struggle when the marriage falls apart. I’ve done therapy, prayed and fasted to know what it is I should do. I studied my patriarchal blessing and hated myself for being so different. But I just can’t seem to be the person woman are taught to be in the church. Should I give up hope to find someone to get married in the temple? I don’t know if I should date anyone or even put myself out there. Part of me feels it would be selfish of me to look for an eternal companion when I can’t be the ideal person they look for. I sometimes feel like a damaged good for not being able to want the life that every girl dream of. Is it wrong for me to want the eternal companionship without wanting to have kids? Some of you may say that it’s just a phase because I have been told that when I talked to people in church about this. But it’s not that I don’t love kids. I work with kids and I really think they are so precious and such a sacred blessing to have in this world. It makes the cruel world a little better place. But I really don’t want my kids to go through the pain of having a parent who didn’t want to have kids. Children deserve better and I can’t be what they need. I don’t want kids when I will love them and take care of them because that’s what I am obligated to do instead of doing it because I want to. I think about this everyday and I would appreciate your input.
  4. A little background about me: I was born into the church to a single mom. We were inactive until I was about 7, and by this time my mom had married my stepdad. I got baptized at 8. We moved out of state when I was 16 and my parents became inactive, which made my young siblings become inactive. I quickly fell to inactivity as well. My marriage story: Six years ago at 17 I met my now husband, who was not a member. I broke the law of chastity with him while we dated. We got married when I was 18, and he is 7 years older- we had dated for a year. Although I did love him, I also felt like I HAD ago marry him since I'd slept with him, feeling guilty due to my upbringing in the church. I honestly was not totally ready for marriage but I convinced myself I was. Plus my parents were about to move out of state again and I would not "shack up" with a boyfriend so I rushed the marriage even more. I wasn't sure he was totally ready either, but it later seemed he just acted like he was to not disappoint me. Our first year married was tumultuous. He was from another country and a much more traditional culture: women were responsible for all housework, cooking, and child rearing. I was 18, so I was taking college classes and I worked full time but was still expected to take on the home responsibilities. This caused a lot of tension and fighting, as I felt I was being treated unfairly. He made much more money than I did and often felt justified by that and his upbringing. I am impatient and can be sassy but he would be pretty cruel in his words. He often drank. It wasn't unusual for him to get drunk, although he knew I hated it- this also caused fights. He often accused me of cheating while not at home- more fighting. Three holes had to patched up in doors/walls at our first apartment. He was a good man despite these issues and never physically hurt me but our tempers and stubbornness did a lot of emotional/verbal damage to each other and it was clear we had not prepared for marriage properly as far as actually doing it for the right reasons and having certain important discussions before rushing into it. He seemed ready for divorce in the first year, and I was miserable too, but I didn't want divorce and always tried to end problems quickly, but he just wanted things done on his own terms. A year after marriage I got pregnant. At 20 I had our child. I thought this would mostly fix our issues. In some ways it did, but bad things continued as stress increased and sleep decreased. I developed a mild-moderate post partum depression and felt numb to most things, and had no motivation for anything besides my child's well being. Our fights were still ongoing. We faced crippling financial issues which seemed to fuel many fights, along with housework and cooking not being done due to being an exhausted and depressed first-time mom. I started to think he may be cheating, too. In some fights he even said he was only here for the baby. A friend invited me back to church soon after I had my child, so I went. I started going regularly and had my child blessed. My husband was never against the church, but worked every Sunday and did not care to go out of his way to attend. I was a stay-at-home mom for two years and continued to attend church, sometimes missing a week, but not enough to be inactive again. The same relationship issues were happening. I sought help from the bishop's first counselor, who referred us to a marriage counselor from LDS Family Services- the ward funds paid for part of it and we set up monthly payments for the rest. Our counselor helped us be very honest and open about our feelings. At this point I was burned out by the marriage and did not have much desire to continue it. Things would temporarily improve in specific areas that the counselor had us work on, but old habits would come back quickly and ruin what we'd seemingly patched. I honestly felt more of a best friend type of love than a romantic type of love towards him- for some reason I also didn't feel very attracted to him anymore (he didn't physically change or anything like that) but I didn't share any of this. I spoke about how I wanted a sealed, active family and that I felt I'd never have it with him. He offered to start coming to church, and he did, but I could tell he didn't understand just how important this was to me. He's the type that goes on Sundays but doesn't make it his lifestyle. I wanted an LDS-lifestyle in my marriage and I needed a companion who could help keep me in check, and we could keep each other motivated & accountable. It seemed clear that this wouldn't happen, even though he enjoyed going on Sundays and attending ward functions. Towards the end of our sessions it seemed I grew less and less motivated to continue the marriage and my husband became more motivated. In one of the last sessions, the counselor asked us to decide if we still had hope and would continue working on it, or if we'd lost all hope and would divorce. I knew what I wanted but didn't feel "justified" since there hadn't been physical abuse, abandonment, or known affairs. I had love for my husband but would feel awful. I was honest and said I was unhappy and felt hopeless. I didn't want to wait years on end to feel happiness from the marriage, or possibly never reach that point throughout my life in the marriage. My husband was shocked, since I'd not shared these feelings during the sessions- I had been hoping I'd suddenly have a revelation that would shut down my fears and figured I shouldn't hurt anyone's feelings, if mine were going to change anyways. I also thought about my son, who'd live in broken home if divorce happened. I went home with every intention of it being over. My husband was angry and hurt, and I felt bad, but I also felt free after declaring my decision. He very rarely cries but he did. I told him that I still loved/cared for him and thought he was a wonderful father and that I wanted him to remain active in our child's life and to be a good role model. I was worried he may resort to drinking again. He said he couldn't promise that he wouldn't resort to his old ways. This worried me greatly. I didn't want that for him or for my child. Something in him switched and the very next day he was cleaning the house, cooking, etc. It was obvious he was trying to win me over. I appreciated it, but in my mind it didn't change everything I felt, or the lack thereof. This continued for a couple weeks. We awkwardly avoided the divorce conversation but it became an unspoken decision that I wouldn't pursue divorce any longer, although I can't say that anything really changed in me. He took missionary discussions that summer (two years ago) and got baptized. This was great, of course, but I still longed for the LDS-lifestyle with my husband that I truly wanted since I was a youth. I thought about the missionaries (who were my age) and how spiritually mature they were and how much it appealed to me in a man. I had big doubts about whether my husband could/would ever get there. He had to work many Sundays so he was just partially active with attendance. However he'd quit coffee, hadn't had alcohol even for awhile before missionary discussions, and tried to read the scriptures. The scripture reading and daily praying didn't last long, which didn't surprise me. His consistency isn't the best. This only made me more discouraged about having the marriage/family that I wanted and felt I really needed. Later that fall I started my first job since motherhood; it was full-time and I found a lot of fulfillment there. For over a year everything at home stayed the same. We didn't really fight anymore. If we had a disagreement he often just backed down and diffused it right away but nothing was ever really resolved either. It was just an at-least-we're-not-fighting-anymore numbness. I continued to have a lack of romantic love for him but no heart or courage to say anything or to just end it. I didn't want to hurt him or our nearly 3 year old. We didn't tell each other we loved each other. We've continued to have sex (although not as often as when we were dating or as newlyweds) but I often hid that I really didn't want to do it. (He would never force me, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings with constant rejection.) He would kiss me on the cheek or forehead sometimes but I wouldn't kiss him. I didn't want to hold his hand, hug, or cuddle. I truly felt like he was just a close friend and actually felt awkward being physically intimate in any way with him. I interpreted this as not being in love with him anymore, if we ever truly were. This last fall we got into an argument before I went to see a girlfriend of mine. It seemed to be okay by the time I left. I got back home and he took off to hang out with friends. He came home nearly at 3am and was very drunk. I was shocked and disgusted. I told him to sleep on the couch. It brought back so many terrible memories from the past and I immediately felt like I wanted this marriage to end and prayed to know what to do. Worried he'd lost all his cash or may damage his car/himself, I searched his pant pockets to hold onto his wallet and keys in case he tried to leave again. In one pocket I found a small 3-count box of condoms- but there were only two inside. It was as if this was an immediate answer to my prayer. I was devastated by the betrayal. Even through my feelings I had, I would never cheat. He was passed out so I texted him that it was over. I was so distraught that I called off work the next day- how long had he been doing this? The next day he came to me and swore the condoms were from a moving box that was still in his truck (we'd just moved in with my grandma) and that he'd taken them out to bring inside. I honestly didn't know what to believe. He's a very loyal person, I thought, but I also thought back on a couple of fishy situations involving other women that happened before we got married and felt increasingly doubtful he was being truthful now. For a couple weeks I lived in total discomfort. I felt filthy sleeping next to him. I only really spoke with him when it came to childcare arrangements. He kept saying we needed to talk but I was too angry and upset. Finally he cornered me in the living room and begged me to talk. He wanted to know what was going to happen from here. He'd already made an appointment with a lawyer for himself. He said he was going to move out right away. I said this was a bad idea since we were tight on money and that he should stay in the spare room while we figure things out. He just wanted to leave, feeling weird that we'd be separated and still living together at my grandma's house. He then brought up our child. He was afraid I'd take our nearly 3 year old away from him. I assured him I would never do that, not having had a close relationship with my own biological father due to distance. I shared my concerns about our child being in an less-than-ideal environment if my husband became inactive in church, took up drinking again, had women over, etc. He made it seem as though that was "just too bad" because divorce was what I wanted. By the end of the talk, he begged me for another chance. I explained what I'd said before: I don't want to wait indefinitely for happiness. It was clear to me that we were not even in love with each other anymore. He said that we could fix it and that if it wasn't better by the end of the year we could get divorced if I wanted to. I told him I didn't want to try anymore but if he really felt this strongly about maybe changing my mind about this marriage, I'd let him try. It's now been 9 months since then. My grandma passed away two months ago and that took a big toll on me, and still does. We attend the ward I was born into and the ward my grandma had been in for nearly 50 years. That part feels right. I've been promoted at work and things are going great there. In the marriage we're back to where we were nearly two years ago. Comfortable and not really fighting, but still I have a lack of romantic feelings. I'm not "miserable" or necessarily "unhappy" because other big things in my life are going fine, but my marriage doesn't bring me happiness. I still don't hold his hand, hug or cuddle with him. I still don't kiss him. I still don't really want to have sex with him, although I do in order to spare his feelings. Physical intimacy in any form feels so awkward, probably because I feel we aren't in love or are even heading down that path. I don't see an eternal companion with my husband. He attends church as often as possible but again I don't see the priesthood leader that I want and need in a husband. He's been a member for two years and it seems he still doesn't have a strong testimony or a strong grasp of the gospel. Spiritual maturity is just not there. I'm only 23 now but I feel time is escaping me so quickly. He is a great man and has truly made great changes but I can't help but feel he is just not the one for me. I feel like we've just crammed a square into a circle but that it will eventually pop out, and I don't want to wait until this happens in order to move on. We haven't been sealed yet, either, and I'm definitely not pushing for it while being so unsure of this marriage. I think of how life would continue after a divorce: when I remarry, will my "ex" allow our child to be sealed to me and my new spouse? Will my "ex" even stay active in the church? Will my child become inactive if my "ex" does and doesn't have support & encouragement from both parents? Will we still attend the same sacrament meetings together for awhile? I'm so overwhelmed by this and want a clear answer. I have prayed many times about it over the last 3 years but don't feel I've ever received a clear answer, or maybe I'm just not in tune with the spirit the way I need to be. I'm consumed with guilt over my feelings and haven't told my husband or anyone else. I'm at a loss and just don't know what to do. I will continue to pray about it but I've never been great at finding answers to my prayers and am not really sure how to do so. I'm willing to wait til the end of the year to have a sure answer, but until then, this is so hard on me and I'm really not sure what to do. Any constructive advice or related experiences are welcome.
  5. Hey, I'm a 21-year-old sister. I was in a relationship with a nonmember when I was 19 and ended up breaking up because of stuff, and now I've been single for two years. I had two guys ask me out: one a RM who is 8-year-older than me and then another one who is also a member (he' 26 now). The latter guy asked me out again 2 years later (which is now) even after I rejected him before. He said he'd wait until I am available. :l I did reject the first guy (even though he liked me a lot) because I feel like I wasn't ready for a steady relationship and he seemed to be looking for a wife already. And I'm only 21, fresh out of college, and just started my new job. They only wanted a date, but I rejected them right away. They say first dates aren't supposed to be preoccupied about bc you're actually getting to know the person first before anything. I'm just afraid it will blow up into something serious and I don't feel ready for the responsibilities. Also, going on dates feels awkward for me. I'm also an introverted person and generally cautious of people and guys, especially after I had my first heartbreak :( Am I missing out on things? I visualize myself rejecting another guy who'll ask me out out of the same fears and feeling of not being prepared for the emotional and 'financial' demands of a possible relationship. I also live in a family where young adults being on a steady relationship at my age (or within the 20-23 year old age range) is being frowned upon because elders would say: You're too young to be committed OR you have to help your family first before dating OR you shouldn't be committed at that age yet OR wait until you're 25 or something. P.S. My family is mostly Mormons, but of course our culture also blends in.
  6. Hey everyone! Currently my fiance and I are separated thousands of miles so we cannot really visit each other often. We met at school and got engaged some months later but she has to go away for work for the time being. Anyways we knew it would be hard but it is a lot harder than we had imagined and it has put stress on both of us. Anyways just looking for some things we can do to keep the fire burning and the relationship thriving unitl we can be married in August. For the record we are both are keeping our goals in mind and are always told "just hold out it will be worth it". So we know that just looking for some ideas to keep it going and keep the romantic side of things up so its not like were just reporting our day to each other when we talk but like we are in a romantic relationship. Thanks!
  7. Bootcamper

    New Marriage Class

    Looking for input from the forum from both men & women (over the age of 18 and preferably married or been married). Little background, my wife and I are members and have been involved with a marriage seminar for the last 15 years, so we are well versed in dealing with marriage and relationship issues. Our Bishop has approached us about teaching a marriage class that is outside the normal information the church has released (Strengthening Marriage, Strengthening Marriage & Family). He is wanting us to put together a class that teaches real tools and information that help couples with communication, conflict resolution, forgiveness, sex & intimacy etc. Class has started and going very well but we are needing some unbiased LDS input. One of the things we want to discuss in class is sex & intimacy. We have some ideas but want to see if were on track. From an LDS standpoint, what questions would you want answered or information would you want to learn about with your spouse in this class regarding sex & intimacy to improve your relationship?
  8. I recently just found out that my husband & eternal companion was cheating on me. We've been married for 3 years, have 2 beautiful children; a 2 year old daughter and a 1 year old son. We've been married for 3.5 years and sealed for almost 2 years. We didn't marry in the temple because I was not yet a member. But after having my daughter and being 6 months pregnant with my son, my husband started his 'evil doings.' He created a new facebook page for himself (we had a shared fb page) and started to add girls. After they accepted, he would instantly PM them with very flirtatious messages. This flirting business was ongoing for almost 18 months. Just last month, he asked me if he could go to a social with his cousins. I said 'yes' because I trusted him and I trusted his cousins. At the social, was one of the married sisters who we had previously been in the same ward. This sister was much older than my husband by at least 20 years and had sons the same age as my husband. In fact, her sons were very close friends with my husband. That night, my husband and this sister began their sexual affair. From what I can gather, they only went to 1st & 2nd base. A couple of days later they met up again after my husband had finished work, at their 'usual spot' in the carpark of the local swimming pool. Again they went 1st & 2nd base. They met up again days later, doing the exact same things at the exact same spot. My husband then went interstate just at the beginning of this month, for a sporting tournament he had asked me if he could go watch with his foster brother. Of course I didn't like the idea of him going, but my husband is not one to usually listen to me. So off he went interstate, leaving Friday night & returning Sunday night. My husband and his brother were supposed to be staying at a close friend of his (known each other for 7 years) but that was not the case. Two weeks before he left interstate, my husband met a young girl who lived in that city. They began to talk and flirt. Him telling her that things between us were 'complicated' and that we were no longer together and that he hardly sees the children because we've moved away. So he asked her if he could come stay there with her and she said yes. My husband had left me and the kids to go interstate where he was supposed to be watching a sports tournament but was instead having sexual relations and breaking word of wisdom. He returned home to me & the kids and acted as if everything was normal and for me, I thought everything was normal. It wasn't until this past weekend, we were in bed; he was sleeping and I was preparing my lesson for church the next day. I looked at his phone and starting to go through this phone. I found the app 'snapchat' and thought 'why does he have snapchat? He didn't say anything about having it.' But what made me suspicious was that he had hidden the app with all the sports apps, thinking I'd never find it. I opened his snapchat account and found numerous messages between him and girls, but that's how I found out about the 'interstate chick.' I immediately woke him up, demanding an explanation. He just looked at me puzzled and scared; scared because he had just been caught. I cried all night, pleading with Heavenly Father to take away my hurt & pain. In the morning, I continued my search on his phone; where I found the new fb & instagram accounts. This is where I learnt of the affair with the old married sister. I was ready to walk out on this marriage. I was ready to take my babies and never look back. But after countless hours of council from my husbands parents & sister (who are very strong members) I finally stopped packing. I had decided to give him a second chance. Am I doing the right thing? I'm a convert to the church and I know a temple sealing is something sacred and should not be 'cancelled' unless under certain circumstances. My husband promised that he would change - try to be a better father, husband, priesthood holder. However I haven't seen any effort? I've changed all the passwords to his social network and deactivated all accounts, including our shared page. I can't help but think that I've made a huge mistake giving him a second chance.. I'm just trying to salvage whatever is left of my marriage? From one very heartbroken wife..
  9. chelseacurranauthor

    Divorce and the Eternal Perspective in the LDS Church

    In January I submitted an article to Meridian Magazine at ldsmag.com titled Divorce and the Eternal Perspective in the LDS Church. Recently I looked through the comments and noticed most agreed it was very uplifting, and one...not so much. I didn't take offense at all. I know very well people have different perspectives and appreciate a certain voice when it comes to advice and comfort. My voice can only reach so far, but I'm hoping it reaches a bit further by posting it here. http://ldsmag.com/divorce-and-the-eternal-perspective-in-the-lds-church/
  10. Hi there, I'm a mormon all my life and have been in and out of the church many times. I have finally decided to stay in my faith and chose to stay in the church's standards and expectations. Because I have lack of knowledge about mormon dating, how do I ask out a mormon girl on a date? What pickup line do I use? I have provided tons of these...lol I have no idea where to begin with. This girl is from Peru, she's beautiful, she speaks good english, and she's kind. I really don't want to mess this up. I know her as a friend. So what do I say to her? The 13th Article of Faith requires me to ask you out (“If there is anything virtuous, lovely or of good report, or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.”) If Eve was tempted by an apple than you must be my fruit. Even with the Liahona, I get lost in your eyes. You remind me of the fruit in Lehi’s dream. Precious above all others Can I introduce you to my friends to prove that angels really do exist? God broke the mold when He made your sweet face. I want to be like the Spirit, to be with thee whithersoever thou goest. What’s ur favorite temple? I’m lookin’ at mine. If we were around with Noah… then you, me… pair. my spiritual gift is my good looks… it lifts peoples spirits The tree of life called, it wants it’s sweetness back. The tree of life called, it wants it’s sweetness back. welcome to the christian family… the only family where brothers and sisters can marry each other. I would leave 99 sheep to come and find you, then I would carry you home joyfully on my shoulder I just got back from my mission and I’m looking for my next companion! now i know why Solomon had 700 wives… Because he never met you Are you the spirit? Because whenever I think about you I feel a burning in my bosom. Are you the iron rod? Cause I wanna hold onto you for the rest of eternity. Is the spirit telling you what it’s telling me? Is your name virtue? Cause you garnish my thoughts. Use this at your singles ward. I knew I’d feel the spirit at church, but I never thought I’d see an angel. Are you a gadiaton robber? Because u just stole my heart. (If they do not know that this is one of the Mormon pick up lines they are not Mormon) Don’t I know you from the pre-existence? Guy sees girl and says: Oh good! Now I can break my fast. Girl asks: Why? Guy: Because I see the answer to my prayers. What time do you have to be back in heaven? I just got back from my mission….. i’m looking for another companion and i just found one. God told me to come talk to you No, i’m not coveting, I intend to make you mine. Have you ever held the Priesthood? Guys puts his hand out The Bible says “Give drink to those who are thirsty, and feed the hungry”; how about dinner? For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me Did it hurt? …… When you fell from heaven? What’s your name and number so I can add you to my “prayer” list If God made anything more pretty, I’m sure he’d keep it for himself. I’d pick you over Satan any day. God was just showing off when He made you. I know milk does a body bood, but how much have you been drinking?!!!!! Even with the Liahona, I get lost in your eyes:)
  11. I'm dating a girl right now and have been for about a month. Things have been for the most part good and we have a ton of similarities that surprised me. My problem is that well we both have pasts, hers is just a bit darker than mine. She was completely inactive for a few years and in the past few months has gotten back into the church. She has really good intentions but is taking things kind of slow in the repentance process. She hasn't gone to the bishop for the drinking, drugs, and sex of this inactive period. For me, I've never had sex but close i guess but I repented of all that. Now though it just gives me the worst feeling in the world whenever I hear of something shes done in the past. I get that nothing will make her a virgin again so if we got married then it would be my first time and not her but it is just so hard for me to get over. How could I deal with possibly being compared to or reminding her of past boys... I never thought I would be with someone with this history and even falling in love with them. I just would like some advice on how to get over something that is as big to me as this.
  12. Hello, Before anything else, I want to explain what the situation is. I have been dating this girl for around 4 and 1/2 years now. She is a member of the LDS church and I am not. Recently we broke up, even though we both still love each other very much, because she thought that God told her to do so. She wanted someone who could marry her in the temple and hold the priesthood, and I can not provide those things as a non-member. Through a week of praying and fasting, God gave me an answer that was "keep fighting for her, she is the one". Even though I am not LDS, my relationship with God is strong. We have since discussed the fact that we both got different answers, and have agreed to go 1 week without contact, and pray everyday about the situation. I know God wouldn't lie, and may have been using the break up as a way to awaken my spiritual side and allow for individual growth during that time and that we will end up back together. Do any of you believe in interfaith marriages? I have spoken with members that are married to non-members who are happily married. I know that I can be sealed to someone after death, is there a way to provide blessing to my children without the priesthood? If she were to come back to me, and I felt that I shouldn't convert, she would be giving up a temple marriage and preisthood, but God wouldn't let us be unhappy. I would love to hear what you have to say. Thank you for your time.
  13. Hi. I'm new here and I have a situation I'm dealing with and I don't know what to do. I could really use some advice. I've been dating a man for 2 ½ years. We are in a long distant relationship. He's in Maine, I'm in Missouri. We are not young. He is 41 and I am 37. First let me say that we get along wonderfully, we have a lot in common. We love and care for each other deeply. We have gone through rough patches like another couple and we always talk things out and forgive one another. But a couple of weeks ago he told me, out of the blue, that he just joined a LDS church. I was stunned but happy that he found a faith. He had none when I met him. I myself am non-denominational, (I believe in God and Jesus and his teachings), and I've never felt comfortable in a church. Well last Sunday he mentioned to me that he was witnessing a baptism and I was like okay great. I asked when he was having one. He said he was baptized already and that he is going to be ordained as a priest. (As I write this he is now a priest.) I was so shocked that I couldn't react. I didn't speak to him the rest of the day. I felt hurt and betrayed that he didn't talk to me about this when he first was considering it. The next morning we got into a huge fight. We almost broke up. I told him I couldn't accept it and that I couldn't and wouldn't be apart of his religion. I know now that was wrong of me. I only skimmed a few websites, so no real understanding on my part. I didn't consider the sacrifices he was making either. I was very scared. We were at the point of saying good-bye when I couldn't do it. Something told me to stay, I couldn't end it. I need to be with him. I couldn't lose him and he didn't want to lose me either. We talked it out, over many hours, (we both agreed we did each other wrong) and he said he would never chose religion over me and that he would never push it on me. We both agree that we will have to compromise in our life together. My beliefs don't change how he feels about me. That he is in it for Eternity with me. He did mention that he wanted to be sealed in a temple. I have read what you must do and I don't know if I could ever go through with it. He did say about having a civil ceremony. I would like the civil marriage first but I'm afraid that he wants a temple ceremony first. He thinks that I should join the church so we can have a temple sealing then get excommunicated. But in my eyes that would be a lie. I'd be lying to everyone in his church and to him. I don't plan on converting. He said he accepts that I have my own beliefs. I told him that I would try better to respect and learn more about his religion and I have been. But I am having the hardest time. When he tells me about what he is doing at his church, I want to cry. I know it's wrong of me to be upset because he is getting more involved with the church. I know he is going through changes and I'm scared that he is going to become someone I won't recognize anymore. He has said that he is still the same person as before he joined. Outside of changing because of the commandments and laws he has to follow he is still the same. I have been reading more about LDS and there are things that I can't wrap my head around or agree with and there are few things that I can agree with. I tried reading the Book of Mormon and I couldn't get past the first page and I know I couldn't follow the Words of Wisdom, I like my tea (can't live without my green tea) and once in awhile a coffee. Alcohol isn't a problem, I usually would have a glass of wine once or twice a year. I do eat healthy as I can and exercise. Plus I'm having a hard time dealing with the chastity aspect. I know it's wrong in any Christian religion to have sex outside of marriage but I want that level of intimacy with him when I get to visit him. And it hurts me to know that we can't. I'm trying to accept this and be supportive but I'm having the hardest time. I'm freaking out and scared about how our life together is going to be in the future. Should I just be open with him and tell him how hard of a time I'm having with trying to understand? Any ideas why I can't wrap my head around the religion and how I can understand it better? I don't understand why I feel this way. I'm normally a very very open minded person. I want to get over this fear and depression I feel. I'm really confused about what I should do. I'm not even sure what I am asking makes sense. Maybe I'm trying to hard and worrying too much about understanding it? I've been dwelling on this since he first told me about it. I could really use some fresh perspective and a clear head. I asked a very close person to me and they said to leave him and find someone else. Like I said I can't and don't want to do that. I really really appreciate and am grateful for any advice. Thanks!
  14. I have been dating a lovely Girl who is part of the church for just over 6 months now. There is no doubt in my mind, at this point, that I love her and she loves me. However she has just sent her mission papers away and will be getting her call within the next 3-4 weeks. This isn't news to me, although I didn't know she was planning on going on a mission until 1-2 months after we started dating. However, I have known this was coming and that by the end of the year, she will be out of contact completely for 18 months. This scares me to death. I want to spend the rest of my life with this person, however I'm worried that her being away for so long and being totally focused on her religion and her mission, is going to end up with me getting left by the wayside. To clarify, although I am not part of the church and have no intention of becoming so, I have the utmost respect for what she believes and have been supportive of her choice to go on a mission since I found out about it; I think that what she is going to do is a wonderful thing. I understand that her focus should, and will, be completely on her mission leading up to her leaving, and that will help her to put the fact we will be apart out of her mind. But that doesn't make me any less scared that things aren't going to be different when she get's back. I think it goes without saying that an awful lot can change in a person's mind in 18 months. I'm in two minds as to whether I should just try and move on once she has left or whether waiting for her is the right thing to do. We've tried talking about it, but none of us can really come to a conclusion and just want to spend the little time we have left together enjoying our relationship. I feel like this is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and I can't bare the though of losing her. I've come here for an outside perspective on the situation so any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thank you
  15. So I need some advice. And I have no idea where to begin. In a nutshell my husband and I are trying to decide if we should divorce. Or HE is deciding. The problem is complicated. Though it has only recently be relayed to me, apparently the entire 4 1/2 years my husband and I have been married he's been struggling with what makes him happy. He wanted to get married, and assures me he still loves me. But two months ago My husband reveled to me he has lost his testimony, has more properly has been faking it and never fully had one. He believes if the LDS church is the closest thing to the truth. But he doesn't believe it as a whole. or agree with its restrictions. He still goes every Sunday and participate fully for the kids and me. Because he believes its good for the kids. Now things since then have gone down hill. A month after that he told me he wasn't sure if he wants to be married anymore. He says it causes him too much stress because its too much work for him. He expresses his frustration with always having to sacrifice his personal time for family time. He feels like he sometimes rather just be alone. Im trying to figure a way we can make this work but he says there's only a 30% chance he stays because he doesn't want to make the effort anymore. He can find just as much happiness in solitude as he can with us. Plus in his eyes he can do what he wants when he wants. See the kids and me when he wants, exercise when he wants, work and friends when he wants. And he wont have the church restrictions I apply so ha can watch what he wants drink what he wants go where he wants exct. I want to make an effort to make this work to make him happier. Because he says he does want me and the kids and our marriage but he wants the solo life too. He just doesn't know which he wants more. I don't know how to deal with this and I'm in a slump, were fighting all the time because I get so emotional and that makes him angry. He says he's not good enough and I should leave him. Built I love him and want to make this work. I just don't know at what point am I supposed to call quits. Can we be one of those stories where "oh she stuck by me and put up with so much and now look were a super happy family" or am I going to stick with it and get more hurt and have us end on worse turns then if we just end it now. I don't know what im supposed to do....
  16. Hey all, I'm new here. I just have some thought and questions I need to out and don't really have the kind of relationship with anyone that I can turn to in person. A little background. I went through a faith crisis over a year ago that completely changed how I view the world. At the start of it I was very lost and confused and frankly felt hurt and betrayed and didn't know what to believe about religion, especially Mormonism. Eventually, I worked through it, change my perspective greatly on any number of things, but eventaully got to the point I am now. I am still a practicing, "faithful", temple recommend holding member. I have made very few outward changes related to my new faith perspective. Mostly it is just in my mind/heart. Needless to say this was very devastating at the time to my wife who feared I was going to leave the church. Even after I got over the worst of it and assured her I would stay active, she has always worried that I might "change my mind." Moreover, since I shared many of my doubts at the time, she feels as though I've forever changed her faith as well, which I feel really remorseful for. If I could go back and change it I would have worked through it in private, but one rarely thinks straight in a crisis. Before faith crisis we'd occasionally have big fights but they would be many months between. Our biggest struggle was that I didn't communicate as much as she'd like. I was comfortable with silence and so she felt like I just didn't care. Fast forward to faith crisis and we were having major conflict 3 to 4 times a week. Even after the crisis passed for me we couldn't go a week without a major conflict. So much conflict has taken it's toll. It has really hurt our friendship and the foundation of our love. We even got to the point where divorce was brought up. She feels like we're so different now (again, because of how I interpret the gospel, not how I act) I've begged her many times to go to counseling and she won't. She's not very clear on why but I get the gist that it comes down to a fear of her concerns about our marriage being made to appear unjustified. She seems worried that therapist would side with me. Add to this she has anxiety and (undiagnosed) mild depression. We have 4 young children that are very high energy so she often is stressed and at her limit when I get home. She also has very low selfestem and tends to view many of her interactions with people in the worst light. By this I mean she is constantly appling negative meaning to slomething that doesn't have to be negative (such as so and so didn't reply to my text so she must not like me or I did something to offend here) She talks about going to a regular counselor but doesn't actually go. I feel bad for her. I really do. I realize that my crisis added greatly to her anxiety. She has told me she doesn't feel "the same love" for me anymore. Though at time she's also said she doesn't love me because I'm not the same person anymore. I've tried very hard to make positive changes to myself. I've read books on communication. I've gone out of my way to communicate more with her, even though I don't naturally feel so inclined. Since she wouldn't go to counseling I suggested we read a marriage book, which we diid. Even whild doing so we constantly fought. Sometime's I just don't know why I try. I long ago wondered if I even love her anymore. But I came across some advice to set a time frame in which you would not end it no matter what. The idea being that you would put all your effort into making things work for this 6 month period...kind of a last stand. So that's what i feel I've been doing. But I don't feel the same is reciprocated. I truely believe she has given up and is waiting for the time to lapse. Every time I express an unmet need, she cries and tells me how aweful a wife she is. Sometimes she says she'll change and start doing it (for example I ask that she go out of her way to show love by doing thoughtful, nice things for me, anything, as I have been doing for her). But she rarely follows through and so we have a simialr conversation a few months later, adding to my despair it won't change. Which brings to the next problem and the actual focus of my post. As part of my crisis you could say that I have become like a child again. For the first time since I actually was a child, I view the world in awe. I am innately curious about things and so have been consuming books on all kinds of subjects. At first it was church history, since I wanted to fully understand those things that were part of my crisis. Then I got bored and moved on to other things. As I read, the new knowledge sometimes requires that I apply it with changes in my life to get the most benefit (such as ideas on food/diet). While I think most people would consider these things as positive, my wife sees them as a threat. She sees me changing, and us becoming less and less compatible. She sees me with all these new interests and is so critical/defensive of them. And so I dont' know quite what to do. I could stop reading, and stop trying to, from my perspective, better myself. It may help temporarily but I worry I wll build up resentment because of it (as I have in some other things). On bad days I feel like she's right. Maybe we are not compatible. But I also feel our judgment is flawed due to our emotions and extended hardship, as well as confirmation bias, fluidity of memories, etc. So what the heck can I do!? the dead line is almost hear and I have to say that except for one month of respite, I don't think much has gotten better. I've considered the ultimatum of go to counseling or divorce but feel that would just force the divorce. How do people deal with changes in marriage? How can you be "one" if you genuinely have different goals? Obvoiusly I don't want a divorce. I love my children and don't want to be apart from them. Nor do I wan them to suffer because of this. But I just feel at my end here. More and more I am feeling depressed and I worry the longer this goes on the worse it will be. sorry for the long rant.
  17. I am a sister in a Young Single Adult ward and I am trying to cope with having a crush on one of our full-time missionaries. I work closely with the missionaries and the ward mission leader so I'm around them a lot, and BAM, it's hitting me. There is no way I would ever tell him or anyone in the ward while he's serving, or even hint at it -- totally out of line. But it's a constant struggle for me to keep from being overly friendly or betraying myself. What bothers me even more is that he's going home (several states away) in a few weeks, and it breaks my heart to think of never seeing him again. So I friended him on Facebook (his full name is right on the front of his notebook, ok!) with a little message saying hi, knowing he wouldn't see it until after his mission. Now I'm worried that that was the wrong thing to do, although I can't very well take it back. So I don't know what my actual question is.... I don't know how to even TRY to see if something could progress after his mission. No clue how to broach that topic. Advice needed. Thanks guys.
  18. Hi there! I'm new, though I've been lurking the forums for quite some time. I'm here for some advice. I'll try to keep this as short as possible. I'm 20. I grew up in the church & I moved away from home at 17 to attend college in a different town. I've always remained mostly active but went through a period of serious doubt in the church starting about a year ago. It got to the point where I was determined that I was no longer interested in the church as a belief system. I won't go into detail, but there was no bitterness on my end, and no serious sins committed. Well, a few months ago, I met an LDS man who kind of flipped things upside-down for me. I was NOT looking to date at that time, as I had just gotten out of a serious 2-year relationship. In fact, I had turned into a complete cynic about love, because my last relationship had fizzled out into something very void of passion. Also, I was moving to a different city in a month for an internship over the summer, so I was not looking to start something. But when I met this guy, we immediately clicked. I guess you could say we started dating, even though both of us were in denial. (In fact, we even talked conversationally about our friends getting married, and I went on and on about how crazy it is to settle down when you're barely in your 20s.) We only had about a month together before I moved away for my internship, but we spent time together just about every day, whether it was studying for finals, cooking food together, or just sitting in the car talking. We fell hard and fast for each other. I confided my doubts about the church in him, and he was able to ease my troubled mind in a way that no one ever has before. He didn't judge me or think less of me, but taught me gently from the scriptures and encouraged me to pray in ways that, for whatever reason, had eluded my mind before I met him. Consequently, I came to the realization that over the past year I had just been getting lazy, and my testimony is now back on track. I moved to a city in a different state for the summer. Now we are apart from each other and dating long distance. We video chat every day and I feel very close to him each day. It is hard being apart but I feel the communication is fantastic. I wasn't sure what it would be like, but I actually do feel our relationship has grown and deepened even through long distance. The only issue in our relationship is he wants to talk even more than I have time for, so that's a minor area of conflict sometimes. Also, a minor detail: I am going to visit him for a weekend in two weeks, and then in August he is planning to visit me & my family in my hometown. After that we will be back in the same town attending the same college. He is a nearly-23-year-old returned missionary. We love each other and talk about everything with each other, and he has indeed brought up the subject of "settling down". The way he talks about marriage is mature, optimistic, realistic, calming, and uplifting. And surprisingly, when he talks about it, that whole idea of marriage doesn't scare me like it used to. I've never been so excited about sharing a future with someone. It baffles me because I have only known this man for a few months. Also, I'm quite young (though I am often told I'm "mature for my age".) Obviously we would wait for any serious step like engagement for about a year, but is it normal to feel this sure of something this soon? I have always been the "strong independent woman" type. I am really focused on my education and career. I always figured the marriage and family part would come later when I was ready. But here I am, feeling very strong urges that this man could be the one for me. My future life seems empty until I think of him. However, I would be lying if I said that no part of me feels like I should "play the field" a little more. I've only had three actual relationships before, and sometimes I wonder if that's been enough to really figure out who I am and what kind of person I'm looking for. I love this man so much, though -- it's not that I have any desire to actually date anyone else, it's just that I feel like I should. Just to give you a little background on what we are like: He is understanding, fiercely loyal, passionate about life, and he has a great sense of humor. He definitely wears his heart on his sleeve, while I am much more reserved and independent. I am an extremely easygoing, optimistic, low-stress type, and it's very easy for me to let go of negativity and accept people as they are. But I am also a little immature, selfish, and stubborn at times. His weakness lies in weak-ish self-esteem and relying too much on other people's approval. We are both aware of our flaws and work together to improve them. TL;DR: I always thought young marriage was ridiculous until I met the perfect man. I'm 20 years old and I'm having all kinds of crazy hopes, dreams, and doubts. So, all that said, I have a few questions: Am I crazy/ too young to be thinking about settling down already? Is it possible that a 20 year old has lived enough and dated enough people to truly understand who she is and what kind of person she is looking for? How long should we wait before taking any serious steps towards engagement or marriage? (There is a lot of passion between us and sexual temptation is high, but we are both strong and haven't had any chastity issues.) Am I just in the "infatuation" stage? Is it common for people to marry for infatuation and regret it later? I have had two serious relationships before this one, so I feel like I know the difference between infatuation and actual love, but obviously I still have a lot to learn. What does it take to have a successful marriage? Is it possible to have what it takes at the age of 20? When did you get married (age/how long dating) and would you do it any differently? What can I do to come to terms with the fact that God may have put this person in my life at 20 years old for a reason? I want to stop having doubts because of what I feel like I "should" do based on what I'd always expected my plan in life to be. What can I/we do to prepare for commitment? & any other advice you might have for my in my present situation. Sorry that was so long. Thanks so much for your time and advice.
  19. Me and my girlfriend have been going out for a while now, and somehow stumbled onto the topic of marriage and the temple. To understand the dilemma first I'm going to give a little bit of background. She has had issues with relationships in her family in the past. She was abused by her birth father, who her mother has since divorced and her step dad has had 2 wives before her mom both of which were temple marriages that were annulled. They have all been sealed together as a family but her dad cheated on her mom. This has caused a lot of resentment towards temple marriage for her. We got onto the topic and she said that she would get sealed in the temple, but would require a civil union for about 3 years first. (An emergency way out of the situation probably caused by the abuse that she saw her mom take as a child.) My background from my parents, grandparents, great grandparents and so on is that you should never settle for a civil union. If they won't go to the temple first thing then you should proceed with your life. We got into a large disagreement about it and it ended up with her saying well you can take me as I am or leave me. We haven't spoken in about 5 days now. I love her more than anything except for God and Jesus Christ, and it's tearing me up inside. Could you guys accept a temporary civil marriage, and then get sealed or do you feel that it is a situation that will cause more problems than help? Please help -SomebodySomewhere101
  20. Okay so I met this guy in October and I really like him a lot. But, when the bishop talked to both of us to check our tithing he talked to both of us about what we were doing together (because we had been seen together a lot) and that we should date others instead of being a steady and committed relationship. I dont know how to explain this. But, since then, we have been hanging out every night for at least 2 1/2 weeks and I don't think either one of us has asked anyone else out, much less want to, but we have been flirting with other people (and this is my theory) because neither one of us wants to disobey the bishops advice. Plus, everyone in the ward says that we should date seriously and that it DEFINATELY looks that way on the outside but, when we talk to other people he always refers to me as his friend but it really isn't. Considering how much we hang out together (we always have fun together though so no complaints there) and that we hug each time one of us has to go home for the night, really, it is a couple relationship but without kissing or hand holding. Idk what to do or make of the situation. I would love to be in a serious relationship with him but at the same time I do need to date others but I dont want to and I dont think he wants to either considering how he hasn't asked any other girl out because I've been hanging out with him for 2 1/2 weeks straight (at least). Its frustrating to me to see a guy that I really like and that the relationship is so complicated already. So I think to myself, "Is he waiting for me to do something about it?"
  21. moocow

    Past sins, New relationship

    I have sinned in the past with my last boyfriend. Things that I try to forget now and have repented for and such. Now I have this incredible guy. He's exactly what I always wanted in a guy and we've only really just started dating, but things are going really well. He doesn't know about my past sins, but he told me he broke up with a girl because she had "gotten frisky" with her last boyfriend (not actually had sex, and neither had I) so he couldn't bear the thought of her comparing him with her ex and felt like she was unfaithful to him even when she didn't know him. He also said he'd rather not know about stuff like that. "Ignorance is bliss". So I feel like crap, obviously. I mean, I totally forgive myself, but I feel like I can NEVER tell him about what stuff I've done in my past now. So when you're married, can you keep a secret like that forever? And does it matter? The funny thing is that he has way more relaxed boundaries than I do as far as dating. I keep my boundaries super tight now after discovering how quickly one can fall into temptation. But with his past girlfriends, he has had them in his bedroom in his bed to cuddle, and makes out a lot, and doesn't care about curfew (we're at a church school so this is all against the honor code). He just doesn't understand how easily people fall, and the power of the atonement I guess. I mean, I'm actually a really great person. I don't consider myself a slut at all. I just messed up and I totally admit that. Do you think he would be right to dump me if I would ever tell him that I had some sort of sexual experiences already with someone that's not him? Is that reason to not marry someone over? I really want to marry him because he's seriously amazing. Such a sweet guy. Do you think I can hold that secret for the rest of my life?
  22. curious_believer

    Hello all

    Hi everyone! I have registered to learn more about LDS. My girlfriend is a devote worshiper and I feel it is important to learn more to grow closer to her. Whilst I believe in god, I am not a member of the LDS Church and havent been a traditional active worshiper. Right now I feel happy in learning more with my curiosity in my level of faith, which has arisen as a result of my relationship. Id be particularly keen to speak to people who have non-LDS partners (or are indeed the non-LDS partner). First post over :)