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HelplessOne posted a topic in Marriage and Relationship AdviceSo long story short. We were married for 7 years. She’s already filed for divorce. It was just one argument/fight too many and she snapped. She filed for divorce a week ago from today. No children between us. We were making plans to have kids, to move out of the apartment and buy a house. Then a little time later, the incident occurs and then divorce 3 months later. Incident = the argument that lead to a short fight. We became quiet for a few days. She brought it up again and I stone-walled and she snapped. (now you can jump to the last paragraph) When the incident happened, she became a completely different person, full of disdain toward me and didn’t want to go to counseling or anything. Only went to the bishop with me to tell him she wanted out because she didn’t love me anymore. For 2 months I cried and pleaded her to stay. I knew I had anger/communication issues and that was what made her snap. Other things contributed too, but that’s in more detail below. The incident happened in October and she kept saying she was indecisive. In December was the month we separated. We agreed for 4 weeks and could make it longer or reconcile by January’s beginning with couples therapy (though she was against it). But as soon as the 4 weeks were over, she blocked me on fb and over the phone told me that her decision was divorce. As much as I had any chance to speak to her through the 3 months,(since she was avoiding communication with me) she kept trumping every debate with “it’s my choice”. I couldn’t challenge that, not even God could. I told and showed her my efforts of changing and that I was going to the counselor to gain more than just visiting bishop alone. She’d say, “that’s good and I recognize that you are changing, but it’s too late, and I’ve made my choice” She simply did not care for anything anymore and became extremely hard-hearted. Some of her arguments were that, She didn’t want to go to couples therapy because we’ve already done many sessions of counseling and bishop visits in the past years and things did not change. Or that I’ve sat you down and spoken to you about these issues. Which is true, but me being the foolish husband I was, didn’t think it was that serious at the time and that over a few more years, we’d be polishing these things out naturally. She debated that it should’ve been polished out by the 3rd or 4th year of our marriage, and not fight or argue anymore. I pleaded with her and said that many couples still argue, though slightly, while in their 60s or 70s. yet we can accomplish complete unity much earlier than that, but year 7 was still work in progress. She didn’t agree. Around Christmas, she went to spend about 2 weeks with her family 3 hours north (this was during the December separation). So at home alone, I found her “5 love languages book” and read it cover to cover. I even read parts of “Helping and Healing our Families” and “Strengthening our Families” both based off the Family Proclamation. They are both great books of instruction and understanding. It opened my mind up so much to my rotten reactions and it’s psychological effects on my wife. There were so many gems that if followed, would turn any home into a temple. She didn’t care about the 5 Love languages, and called it BS and that it never worked on me. I pointed out that it did, because I had noticed a change in her before the incident made her snap. I said I knew something was different about her but I didn’t know what. I had never read the book and took the Idea before as goofy. But after reading the book with the state of mind I had now, I understood what she was going through, or doing for me. I tried to console her that the book stated the same thing that our prophets and apostles would teach about a marriage at the brink of divorce, that if we worked together to bring it back, it becomes an even stronger relationship never to become weary again. She didn’t care to believe me or dare to even give it a try. She was against everything, even saying “why would I want to come back to a husband I hate?” Some of my faults were that I wasn’t intimate enough with her. She said that we were living like roommates and weren’t spending time together. Though I thought that things were actually fine. In some fights, I would say harsh things, but only, and only in the height of my emotions. Never have or would I say anything of that hurtful nature in regular arguments or everyday conversations, at all. Nor did I think it. Didn’t use vulgar language either. Just harsh criticism that I’m ashamed to mention more of. The worst thing about me is that I would shut down in fights and be emotionally distant for a few days. I would just go quiet and as John Gottman describes, would stone-wall her (another thing I learned going through this ordeal) This is what would give her that psychological pain, where she had no idea how to get me to respond or had all kinds of racing bad thoughts. In my mind I thought that I was saving a bad fight from getting worse or longer, and didn’t want to continue. But she was mentally struggling since she needed responses from me. I had no idea what she was going through. Though now I do. When the incident made her snap, she ended up cutting her emotional connection with me and in a sense, stone-walled me. That was the point when she gave up. But didn’t say anything to me for nearly 7 days, and I was freaking out of my mind, wanting a response from her, but I kept my cool too, not wanting to bring the fight up again. On the 7th day she turned to me and said we need to talk, and I just burst out, “yes we do please” (feeling all scared inside) This was when I realized what I had been putting her through for the past few years. She didn’t stone-wall me as a “taste of your own medicine” treatment, but she was simply done and disconnected her feelings and emotions from me. Essentially abandoning the relationship that October. We didn’t fight/argue all the time, we had many more good times too. But if the fights went long enough, then would I get to that point of shutting down, though otherwise, we’d solve the issue. But that was another thing she didn’t like – when I did stone-wall, the issue was not resolved and pushed away. Now that I know what my behavior truly resonates, I am absolutely adamant to NEVER do it again, to anyone, period. I’ve finally learned that part of my behavior and words are considered to be psychological and emotional abuse. Never in the world thought I to be capable and guilty of such things. The more I read from the books and googled the principles, the more I realized my words, acts an effects. Though not to extreme levels of some crazy abusive families, I had been unaware of what little I was doing. Crying as I type this, I hate myself so so much for being like this and wish I learned better earlier. She is/was the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life. And if I just swallowed my pride long enough and apologized more often while following her humble pleadings, our relationship would’ve been superb by now. I wish the earth would just open up and swallow me out of existence. I’m so ashamed of myself, and my good parents, and wonderful friends that respected me. I so humbly tried my best to apologize and plead for her loving forgiveness and her return. But the divorce is in process and as I observe her with her friends and family, she hasn’t a care in the world of letting me go. Multiple times, she said she’ll forgive me someday, but that she’ll surely never coming back. It seemed like no one could or even would do anything. Even the counselor she was seeing was not a member, though a Christian and is a “marriage/family” counselor, I don’t know what she was feeding my wife. I made her my counselor too, but she didn’t seem to be interested in helping me gain my wife back. Sadly I’ve read many places online that counselors these days only care about their client’s “personal” happiness regardless if it dissolves a marriage or not. I can’t verify this. But according to the counselor, she said that my wife was “losing hope”(I learned of this while 2 mths of pleading my wife to stay and professed my resolved to change my communication), but there may still be a chance. I know that we can’t take other people’s free agency away, but I was hoping that a church leader could encourage some type of reconciliation workshop for the relationship before resorting to divorce. The bishop seemed cornered when she said it was her choice. Seemed the best he could do was send us Uchtdorf’s talk about “In Praise of those who save” which also had gems of marriage redemption. And I considered myself guilty of nearly every vice of pride in the first paragraph of “Set aside pride” section of the talk. I’m doing what I can to repent. But I cannot prove my change in word and deed to a ghost. But as much as I admitted my mistakes and that I now know better in being a more supportive husband, She remained cold. Much of the counsel that brethren from the church has given me is to give her some time after the divorce to let her remember the good times. And perhaps approach her again. Another in church though we weren’t compatible (but I don’t believe in soul mates at all). And most others have advised me that she’s been suffering for a while contemplating the idea, and has now executed it, so let her go and move on. My parents and a coworker understood my incredible heartache for her. They said that it was because she was my first (and only) girlfriend who became my wife. Dating in college I dated girls once or twice before letting them go. Never got serious. Nor did I date in High school. But she was special and I know I couldn’t let her go. I know that I’ve faulted in several ways that have become negligent of her, or taking our sealing for granted. But I’ve awoken from my prideful slumber and am trying to turn my world back right-side up, and nothing is working. Frighteningly, she does not seem to be the same woman I knew just days prior to the incident. There is so much more I could share. But I think this is long enough for now. If you have other questions I could try to answer it for you. Please, if there is anyone out there with some way to help me gain back the Goddess I once took for granted, I will be forever in your debt. Please anyone. Yes there were bad times, but is outweighed by the good times which were extremely memorable and I loved spending time with her, hearing her laugh at my jokes while grocery shopping, or looking for Christmas/birthday gifts for family, walking through the mall, and visiting other members and having dinner with them, and talking about deep doc with her. I’ve pictured our lives and future children together for the longest time, and it would kill me to think that she’s preparing herself to seek and seal herself to another. Please, if anyone has stories of how something in my state can be redeemed, I’d love to hear it.