Search the Community

Hi, I am new to this forum but was driven here by some pretty strong needs. I am hoping to find answers here. I have really been struggling in my life and in my marriage right now and frankly have been for over a decade. My husband and I are doing somewhat ok. Our finances are FINALLY on the upswing after years of uncontrolled spending by my husband. I have compensated by having to be extremely frugal with everything. We have finally gotten a lot more on the same page about finances and are working towards getting out of debt. I owe this to prayer. It's been pretty amazing. So I should be happy, right? So why am I so unhappy still? I have found myself crying on various occasions when I am alone, and a few times when I am with others and it becomes embarrassing because I can't explain why I am crying. It honestly has surprised me how easily tears come lately. It usually is when I am around a family who, it seems, has it all. It seems all of the sisters and sister-in-laws in my life have these amazing strong Mormon families. This is hard for me to talk about, because I rarely ever talk about the realities of my relationship with my husband to anyone. I used to talk to my mom about it but learned the hard way that it always just makes my life and marriage harder because she gets really mad at my husband and tries to get me to divorce him and it complicates things. I'll tell you a little about my husband without going too much into detail. In general, he is an angry person. I know that is starting out extremely negatively, but it is just the way I see him. He has a personality that is frankly very hard to get along with. Think how to hug a porcupine. Now before you go thinking that is just the way I see things, I will tell you, this is also a pretty objective thing. He has gone through numerous jobs, has issues with almost everyone he has ever worked with, quit or been forced to quit numerous jobs. He was in a leadership position in the ward and was constantly gossiping about the members of the ward and the leaders he worked with. I have a very hard time with that and try very hard to not encourage this. He chose to no longer fill that position, which I'm actually relieved about. Everywhere he goes, he makes enemies, and because of his ways of dealing with people, he has very few people left to call his friends. I believe he has a mental illness but he won't get help because he thinks he is fine. To me, he seems very antisocial. When he gets home from work, he believes he is done with all responsiblity for the day and will sit in the basement watching show after show after show until I have to leave for work after I have gotten all the kids to bed, and dealt with the sibling rivalry, made dinner, been a chauffeur, helped with homework, etc. Fathering, to him, almost seems that it was done the moment the children were conceived. He does not support the children. He won't go to any of their sports games (it embarrasses him that his children aren't better players, although he could have a LOT to do with that to help them improve in a gentle way), he won't go to music concerts they are in, he won't be involved. Period. He just doesn't care to and never has. He'll only go to things if there is free food there, and then he wants to leave right away when we are done eating. My heart has broken for my children many times over. His parents may suspect this, but I don't think they truly realize the extent of how miserable I am. My parents know mostly by reading through the lines, and sometimes after probing for information after one of those teary sessions where I just am in tears for no apparent reason. Because of his inability to really be active and involved, he is now pushing 400 lbs. and his doctor has given him strict instructions to excercise lest he die by the age of 40. I have been very surprised lately by often and extremely strong feelings of jealousy and anger about relationships in my life. My brother who I have been very close to in the past has pretty much not come over hardly at all or even answered my messages I have sent him. I would be ok with that, thinking he is just busy like I am except for the fact he recently saved money and flew out to be with my sisters family. I have been so very very hurt by that since he doesn't seem to have the time of day to come see me or my children even though he lives relatively close. I have found myself crying at my night job when no one is around. He has said a lot in the past how amazing I am, but never seems able to find the time to come over. And it hurts. To the core. Maybe because he has been one of the few people I see able to give my kids some of that dad-like time. How come kids who most need it are the ones that seem to get forgotten the most? Sorry, I know this is just pitiful. I don't know how things ever got to this point in my life. I find myself wanting to avoid any family that have an active and supportive dad and husband. The last time I had a teary episode in front of others was when I was with my mom and sisters family. Her husband was giving the family home evening lesson, and I thought to myself, we will never have what they have. That jealousy and trying to avoid that jealousy also makes it hard to form close friendships. I find myself drawn to make friendships with single women because it just cuts out all that emotional garbage of comparing myself and my family to theirs or getting jealous. I never thought of myself as a jealous person until recently. Anyway, there are a lot of other issues I haven't even touched on yet, but don't want to write a novel. So, this is enough for now. I feel I am right teetering on the verge of a deep depression if not in it already and so maybe I'm trying to stave it off as much as I possibly can. I just needed to tell someone what's really going on with me. The pretending I'm fine just isn't working anymore for me.

I am in a sad and confusing situation. My husband doesn't realize that the words he speaks are often hurtful and demeaning, even though a marriage counsellor has told him that he needs to think before he speaks. I have been successful in putting these remarks in the background for 15 years but am unable to do so anymore, they just keep coming. I do not enjoy good health and am often in much pain and so the words seem to cut me even harder. I do have some friends here who are most supportive, and a therapist, but am uncomfortable speaking with my Bishop about this because no one seems to believe he can be so cruel, and they put it to my illness. I have not met my visiting teacher, she only writes, and the Relief Society President has been no help, she told me to just not pay attention. But the words keep coming and the pain in my heart grows. I am happier when he is away than when he is home and I feel I must be on guard in all I say and do for fear of a nasty, demeaning and hurtful comment. Any suggestions?