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I don't even know where to begin. I've been married almost 2 decades. The majority of that time has been pretty miserable. The only really truly happy time I remember in my marriage was in the first 2 years. My husband was a spiritual giant when we married. I loved that about him. Gradually, the spirituality has faded to the point where he does the bare, bare minimum at church, and he has become emotionally, verbally and in some ways sexually abusive. At least I think it's abuse. It all doesn't seem right for a husband to treat me the way he does. I would like to expound on more details, but I'm afraid he'll find out or something. I feel trapped in this marriage. I love him as the father of my kids, but I really don't like him very much. He's so mean to me sometimes. But not all the time. I never know what is going to set him off. And when he's mad, the insults, the namecalling, the F bombs just come out of his mouth like it means nothing to him. And then, he'll say "let's just end this. Neither of us is enjoying this." It's so deflating to hear that every few months. There are times when we're getting along, and we do have fun together, but it's always on his terms. If I mess up, or don't give him what he wants, then the nice guy is gone, and the claws come out and I'm left feeling beaten down and worthless. But, it's confusing, because it's inconsistent. So I am never sure when he'll be mad. Sometimes it's unreal how stupid the thing is that sets him off. I can't tell you how many times I've cried myself to sleep over the years, wondering how this was ever part of God's plan for me. It seems so unfair. I really don't want a divorce mainly because it's so complicated. But I know I can't live the rest of my life pandering to his whims and devoting my life to making sure he's satisfied, because it's extremely unfulfilling to feel like all I'm good for is sex. It feels like doesn't want or care about anything else from me. As long as his dick is happy, then he's nice to me most of the time. It makes me so sad that he has no desire to fight for me or for the marriage. It just makes me feel like what's the point? Why should I fight for a man who makes me feel like worthless crap? I would love to say more, this is such a long and complicated story. There is a LOT more to it. But I'm seriously scared. If he found out I wrote this he would for sure leave. I just need a place to vent. Counseling is not an option right now and probably never unless I do divorce him. Bishop is definitely not an option. I just would love advice on how to handle this. So much more to say....I will explain more later, maybe! I'm scared. Maybe I'll delete this later. I do not want him to find out I wrote this. Aaahhh! I'm so sad. :,(