Search the Community

I've been struggling with depression for as long as I can remember. To put things in perspective, my first suicide attempt was at the young age of 9 years old. It's been bad. For a little while, I thought I'd been relieved. I felt rejuvenated and like things were looking up. I had plans to serve a mission, get my degree, and maybe even one day get married! But then I got news that I had heart palpitations, and that I couldn't serve a mission. I got pretty depressed from that, and from there flunked my college classes. Now I have no future, no direction, and no motivation. I'd love to have a boyfriend, but that seems like a far, far, faaaar away reward, if it even happens at all. On top of all of this, my faith in God has become shaky, to say the least. I'm not confident in his existence sometimes, and no matter how much I've prayed, I haven't been able to find any peace or relief from the chaos and turbulence of whatever it is I'm going through. I have begged and pleaded for relief or direction or an answer or confidence or just the knowledge that everything would be okay. I have yet to receive any of these things. I've searched my scriptures for hope and strength and only grew more ashamed of myself and hurt and hopeless and overwhelmed. Somewhere deep down in my heart I think I have a testimony. I mean, I want to. I want to believe. So badly I want to get back on track and just know that I am doing what God wants me to do and get into that confident faithful spot that so many other members seem to have reached. I just want to be okay and I don't know that I ever will be. Please, has anyone else been here? Does anyone know what I'm going through? Do you have advice or wisdom to impart? Can you help me?