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  1. I don't know where to go from here. I'm praying daily for strength and guidance. My husband has been involved in pornography our entire marriage. He hid it for several months after we married and when I discovered it I was devastated. I'm past Satan's lies that it had to do with me or that "all men do it". I just don't know that I can ever trust him or respect him again. I can't take the hurt, anger, and fear anymore. The negative emotions are so intense I don't think I can peel them away to feel love again. Just when I think I've let go and can trust I discover more. He has worked with multiple bishops, but they were of no help. He'd get at most a few months of not taking the sacrament. I feel he's just gone through the motions and pretended to quit and faked change. I understand mistakes, but this has happened over and over. Years ago, he "supposedly" quit to perform baby blessings (first his nephew, one our 1st baby). With my second baby, I discovered that he looked at porn a few days before the blessing. We've been inactive on and off. I'm no saint, but I do expect honesty and intimacy in my marriage. We were sealed in the temple while I was pregnant with my 3rd baby, and I remember feeling such a disconnect with him and lack of the spirit- I had a strong feeling he wasn't worthy. Another baby blessing and my oldest's baptism, all while hiding the truth that he was still looking at porn on a consistent basis. 13 years of catching and discovering the porn and then with my 4th baby I find more porn (second trimester having moved a few weeks before). Another discovery of porn 2 days before her baby blessing. I told him he wasn't worthy to bless her and I didn't want him to. After much thought and prayer I told him he could decide if he was going to still bless her and the night before her blessing he said he was going to. (My mother was in town) So, what I thought was a problem for him, has turned out to be a major problem that is never resolved and has not been sporadic or bingeing, but a consistent ongoing problem. (Weekly) He wants to baptize our daughter, who has waited a year. He says he's been clean 6 months. The bishop said he's good to go and can also start taking the sacrament and I feel AWFUL. This is so counterintuitive. It is what it is. I haven't seen repentance/change and it makes me sick inside to think I'm repeating the past with him. I feel much guilt over the fact that I can't seem to forgive or trust, and that I look back at ordinances he's performed with such sadness. He has fought me on my boundaries and needs, pushes me away, and truthfully I feel the "actions" he has taken to stop accessing porn I forced on him. He quit the therapy I asked him to start. He hasn't done what the original bishop and the new bishop asked him to do. I just don't understand how this has been handled correctly. This is how he has fallen back into it before. I can't let this cycle continue. I feel I might be leaving this marriage. I've tried, I've stood by him for 13 years hoping he'd change. I took my vows and covenants seriously, but I cannot disrespect myself and hurt like this anymore.