trying to help underage sister out of morality hole

[ibanez2k]

I know this is a tough issue that more and more people deal with in this day in age but I am at a loss and am searching for advice. I have recently come to the knowledge of my younger 17 year old sister having sexual relations with her boyfriend. This has been happening for a few weeks now. I know this because my other younger sister (19 years old) confided in my wife and I the other evening about it. Apparently my 17 year old sister has been telling my 19 year old sister about it. My 19 year old sister, though she is trying to help as much as she can, is only barely coming back to the church right now after a difficult abusive marriage and going through a devorce. She herself had morality issues when she was in High School. She is in no position to stand up to my 17 year old sister and help her with anything. My parents don't know anything about this and she is there youngest girl so they think the world of her and don't suspect anything really. My wife and I tried to tell them a few months ago that letting her steady date was a bad idea and could lead to problems but they were insistant that it was okay and she was smarter than that. I don't want my little sister hurt. I am 26 years old and on my way to having a child of my own and knowing this and not knowing what I can do is painful. I don't want my 17 year old sister making these mistakes. I know she has to make her own choices though. Though I know it will crush her, should my wife and I inform my parents of what is going on? I told my 19 year old sister that since my 17 year old sister is confiding in her that she should try to convince her to tell mom and dad. She doesn't want to confront her with that. I know my younger sister won't listen to me and I don't want her to know that my 19 year old sister told me either. Has anyone gone through anything similar to this before, either as a sibling or as a parent? I do not know what I should do as her older brother. Thanks very much for any help you may be able to give.

[RachelleDrew]

This is a difficult situation, but in my opinion the only person who should tell would be the person she directly confided in. Since she did not tell you specifically then I don't know that it would be right for you to say anything because technically there is still the chance that what you were told was incorrect. I'm not saying your older sister is lying, but there could be miscommunications that you aren't aware of since you didn't hear it from the horse's mouth.

But I don't know your situation first hand. Personally, I don't know that an older brother should be privy to information about his sister's sexual encounters. If your 19 year old sister was so desperate to vent or get advice and simply needed to tell someone, she should have gone to your parents not you. I hope you don't take that in an offensive way.

What worries me is, if this girl is too scared to tell her parents she's had sex, i'll bet she's too scared to purchase birth control or condoms either. So not only is she possibly having sex, but possibly doing it unprotected too. I would have your 19 year old sister probe about it, and see if she can find out if this girl is at least making an effort to protect herself.

She's in serious danger of becoming pregnant or sick anyway, the risk is even higher if she isn't on some sort of protection.

I would try and convince your older sister to get her to confess to her parents, or if she felt more comfortable, her bishop.

If you don't mind being the "mean sibling" (and she will most certainly think of you as such for a while) then you could perhaps approach her yourself and tell her that you are worried that she may be having sex since you've noticed she's gotten so serious with her boyfriend lately. If she denies it, let her know that if you find out she is then you will have no choice but to tell your parents. If she admits to it, try and convince her to talk to your parents or else you will. You don't have to tell her that your other sister told you anything.

The ideal situation would be that she is straightforward with your parents. Why do you think she hasn't told them yet? Fear of punishment? Worried about their disappointment? Or is she scared that they will keep her from her boyfriend? Find out what it is that's keeping her from saying anything and that will make it easier to asses the situation.

[rameumptom]

Years ago, my daughter was going through some issues. She confided in her YW president, and then the Bishop. Without our knowledge, she ended up working through a probational period of repentance.

I'm still very disappointed in that YW president and Bishop, for taking away my parental responsibility.

Parents have the responsibility to raise and correct their children, especially those still not adults. No one else has that primary right or responsibility. To not let your parents know what their daughter is doing, is to keep them from doing their calling from God. They are older and hopefully wiser than a 19 year old or 26 year old. Give them the chance to be the parent, and guide their daughter.

[Misshalfway]

Years ago, my daughter was going through some issues. She confided in her YW president, and then the Bishop. Without our knowledge, she ended up working through a probational period of repentance.

I'm still very disappointed in that YW president and Bishop, for taking away my parental responsibility.

Parents have the responsibility to raise and correct their children, especially those still not adults. No one else has that primary right or responsibility. To not let your parents know what their daughter is doing, is to keep them from doing their calling from God. They are older and hopefully wiser than a 19 year old or 26 year old. Give them the chance to be the parent, and guide their daughter.

I can understand how you would feel these emotions as a parent. I get a little nervous though, when I see the YW pres or Bishop put in the middle. They are confidants in this situation. Telling you would most likely have hurt your daughter deeply and definitely betrayed and compromised trust. A bishop is absolutely under restrictions not to discuss information he receives into his confidence.

I think the issue you have is really with your daughter. She didn't come to you. She didn't trust you with the information and it was that action that prevented you from being the parent you wanted to be. I can understand that pain, but can also understand the fear she must have felt in telling her parents that she had fallen from grace. How do you face your parents knowing what something like this does to how they see you? The fear of such outcomes was probably too much for her.

But all is not lost. Perhaps a missed opportunity, but the good news is that she did repent. Maybe without your involvement, but certainly because of your loving influence! And maybe part of being a parent too, is to at some point let our children have a personal life and trust them with it.

[Jenamarie]

I can understand how you would feel these emotions as a parent. I get a little nervous though, when I see the YW pres or Bishop put in the middle. They are confidants in this situation. Telling you would most likely have hurt your daughter deeply and definitely betrayed and compromised trust. A bishop is absolutely under restrictions not to discuss information he receives into his confidence.

I think the issue you have is really with your daughter. She didn't come to you. She didn't trust you with the information and it was that action that prevented you from being the parent you wanted to be. I can understand that pain, but can also understand the fear she must have felt in telling her parents that she had fallen from grace. How do you face your parents knowing what something like this does to how they see you? The fear of such outcomes was probably too much for her.

But all is not lost. Perhaps a missed opportunity, but the good news is that she did repent. Maybe without your involvement, but certainly because of your loving influence! And maybe part of being a parent too, is to at some point let our children have a personal life and trust them with it.

I agree with this. I know as a teenager I was terrified of disappointing my parents, and would have avoided confessing anything to the Bishop if I in any way suspected it would get back to them.

[Jenamarie]

To the original topic: I don't think I'd let your younger sister know that you know. She didn't tell you personally, and she might with hold information from your other sister if she finds out she "told". She NEEDS someone in the family she can trust to confess things to. Maybe you could slip your 19 year old sister some money to buy some condoms to give to your youngest sister? That way she'll at least be partially protected from any of the more dire consequences that can come from having sex at a young age. And also see if your 19 year old would be willing to share the pain and heartache she's liking going through now with her sister, as a kind of "I've been where you are, and this is where I ended up" warning.

[Hemidakota]

I know this is a tough issue that more and more people deal with in this day in age but I am at a loss and am searching for advice.

I have recently come to the knowledge of my younger 17 year old sister having sexual relations with her boyfriend. This has been happening for a few weeks now. I know this because my other younger sister (19 years old) confided in my wife and I the other evening about it.

Apparently my 17 year old sister has been telling my 19 year old sister about it. My 19 year old sister, though she is trying to help as much as she can, is only barely coming back to the church right now after a difficult abusive marriage and going through a divorce. She herself had morality issues when she was in High School. She is in no position to stand up to my 17 year old sister and help her with anything.

My parents don't know anything about this and she is there youngest girl so they think the world of her and don't suspect anything really. My wife and I tried to tell them a few months ago that letting her steady date was a bad idea and could lead to problems but they were insistent that it was okay and she was smarter than that. I don't want my little sister hurt.

I am 26 years old and on my way to having a child of my own and knowing this and not knowing what I can do is painful. I don't want my 17 year old sister making these mistakes. I know she has to make her own choices though. Though I know it will crush her, should my wife and I inform my parents of what is going on? I told my 19 year old sister that since my 17 year old sister is confiding in her that she should try to convince her to tell mom and dad. She doesn't want to confront her with that. I know my younger sister won't listen to me and I don't want her to know that my 19 year old sister told me either. Has anyone gone through anything similar to this before, either as a sibling or as a parent? I do not know what I should do as her older brother. Thanks very much for any help you may be able to give.

You first need the Spirit about you in making the right choices for you sister. I don't blame your other sister in not pushing the issue when she herself fell pray to the same issue. You need to do something immediately. My first reaction would ask the Spirit to help you to approach your parents, in a meaningful conversation of love and support, in helping your younger sister. Your parents need confront her and quickly access the damage that is already done and provide a support line for her. This may be at first damaging to her confidence in the beginning with her other sister but her salvation is at stake. If she is still continue down this path, I do see endless problems as Rachelle alluded already.

Once the parents are informed, give them the necessary support and love in helping your sister back to the gospel path. It may take a while going through the repentant process but in the end, will be eternal rewarding.

If the other boy is a member of the church, the Bishop will need to be informed on this situation. However, this will come from your parents and not you. As your father is the Patriarch of the home, it is his duty to instruct, inform, and perform his priesthood duties in the family.

If there is anything we can do, we are here for you. Last, kudos to you in seeking help for your younger sister and showing your love for her in seeking help. It reveals how charitable you are for your immediate family members.

Bless you my brother as you journey in this life.

[Hemidakota]

I know this is a tough issue that more and more people deal with in this day in age but I am at a loss and am searching for advice. I have recently come to the knowledge of my younger 17 year old sister having sexual relations with her boyfriend. This has been happening for a few weeks now. I know this because my other younger sister (19 years old) confided in my wife and I the other evening about it. Apparently my 17 year old sister has been telling my 19 year old sister about it. My 19 year old sister, though she is trying to help as much as she can, is only barely coming back to the church right now after a difficult abusive marriage and going through a devorce. She herself had morality issues when she was in High School. She is in no position to stand up to my 17 year old sister and help her with anything. My parents don't know anything about this and she is there youngest girl so they think the world of her and don't suspect anything really. My wife and I tried to tell them a few months ago that letting her steady date was a bad idea and could lead to problems but they were insistant that it was okay and she was smarter than that. I don't want my little sister hurt. I am 26 years old and on my way to having a child of my own and knowing this and not knowing what I can do is painful. I don't want my 17 year old sister making these mistakes. I know she has to make her own choices though. Though I know it will crush her, should my wife and I inform my parents of what is going on? I told my 19 year old sister that since my 17 year old sister is confiding in her that she should try to convince her to tell mom and dad. She doesn't want to confront her with that. I know my younger sister won't listen to me and I don't want her to know that my 19 year old sister told me either. Has anyone gone through anything similar to this before, either as a sibling or as a parent? I do not know what I should do as her older brother. Thanks very much for any help you may be able to give.

Oh...welcome to the forum.

[Misshalfway]

I know this is a tough issue that more and more people deal with in this day in age but I am at a loss and am searching for advice. I have recently come to the knowledge of my younger 17 year old sister having sexual relations with her boyfriend. This has been happening for a few weeks now. I know this because my other younger sister (19 years old) confided in my wife and I the other evening about it. Apparently my 17 year old sister has been telling my 19 year old sister about it. My 19 year old sister, though she is trying to help as much as she can, is only barely coming back to the church right now after a difficult abusive marriage and going through a devorce. She herself had morality issues when she was in High School. She is in no position to stand up to my 17 year old sister and help her with anything. My parents don't know anything about this and she is there youngest girl so they think the world of her and don't suspect anything really. My wife and I tried to tell them a few months ago that letting her steady date was a bad idea and could lead to problems but they were insistant that it was okay and she was smarter than that. I don't want my little sister hurt. I am 26 years old and on my way to having a child of my own and knowing this and not knowing what I can do is painful. I don't want my 17 year old sister making these mistakes. I know she has to make her own choices though. Though I know it will crush her, should my wife and I inform my parents of what is going on? I told my 19 year old sister that since my 17 year old sister is confiding in her that she should try to convince her to tell mom and dad. She doesn't want to confront her with that. I know my younger sister won't listen to me and I don't want her to know that my 19 year old sister told me either. Has anyone gone through anything similar to this before, either as a sibling or as a parent? I do not know what I should do as her older brother. Thanks very much for any help you may be able to give.

My first question is how will your parents react? Will they over react? Will they jump on your little sister in their horror and panic? Or do they have the emotional tools to deal with this situation in love compassion and wisdom?

If you tell them, and they are able to behave in a way that is productive, even honest, but in a spirit of healing and forgiveness (even with limits and consequences applied) then I think you do her a service by telling them. You are telling them out of love to rescue her.

Is there a chance you could have a face to face with your sister? Talk to her about her actions directly in a spirit of love and concern. Maybe then you could inform her of your intensions. Invite her to tell your parents. Offer to go with her. Explain under what circumstances you would reveal her activities if she chooses a different path. Perhaps also listen to her concerns and try to understand her position and see if the Spirit brings anymore wisdom to you as you listen.

[ibanez2k]

thank you all so much for your quick responses. This is all very helpful and I appreciate any information at all as my wife and I are praying as to how to go about this ourselves. Thank you again.

[checkerboy]

Wow I am amazed at some of the respones here. As families it is our responsibility to look out for each other. If I found out about one of my siblings activities that weren't appropriate I would definitely approach them about it. So what if they hated me, so what if they hated whoever it was that told me. So what if they hated my parents for getting involved. It is someones eternal salvation we are talking about. Yes obviously the choice will always be her's as to what she does with the situation but are we not all our brother's keepers? If we are too concerned about hurt feelings these days then what is the purpose of the family unit anymore? At 17 she will probably hate you but when she gets older and more mature she will realize that you actually cared about her and wanted what was best for her. Give your parents the opportunity to be parents. I just can't believe how PC our society has become. People are so much more concerned about how they look and if someone likes them or not. Anyway I will get off my soapbox now.

[Misshalfway]

Sorry Check. Who is saying he shouldn't go to his parents? Who is saying that he shouldn't jump in and fight for her salvation?

[Jenamarie]

Wow I am amazed at some of the respones here. As families it is our responsibility to look out for each other. If I found out about one of my siblings activities that weren't appropriate I would definitely approach them about it. So what if they hated me, so what if they hated whoever it was that told me. So what if they hated my parents for getting involved. It is someones eternal salvation we are talking about. Yes obviously the choice will always be her's as to what she does with the situation but are we not all our brother's keepers? If we are too concerned about hurt feelings these days then what is the purpose of the family unit anymore? At 17 she will probably hate you but when she gets older and more mature she will realize that you actually cared about her and wanted what was best for her. Give your parents the opportunity to be parents. I just can't believe how PC our society has become. People are so much more concerned about how they look and if someone likes them or not. Anyway I will get off my soapbox now.

I recommended he not let his sister know he knows, because it could potentially shatter the youngest sister's trust in her older sister, and cause her to draw away from her family. Sometimes bringing the family in to "fight" for the sister's well being does just the opposite. Who knows what kind of control this boyfriend has over her. If they try to help her get out of this hole, she may start looking at her boyfriend as a "forbidden fruit" and be even more attracted to him, and want even more to be with him, because "I know what I'm doing! They don't know him like I do! He *loves* me!"

[checkerboy]

I recommended he not let his sister know he knows, because it could potentially shatter the youngest sister's trust in her older sister, and cause her to draw away from her family. Sometimes bringing the family in to "fight" for the sister's well being does just the opposite. Who knows what kind of control this boyfriend has over her. If they try to help her get out of this hole, she may start looking at her boyfriend as a "forbidden fruit" and be even more attracted to him, and want even more to be with him, because "I know what I'm doing! They don't know him like I do! He *loves* me!"

And at that point you let her make her own choices. Like I said she is gonna hate him at this point but would you rather someone you love tremendously, hate you now but learn from their mistakes and realize that you cared later on in their life?

I guess I am having an anti-PC moment. I just hate hearing people trying to tiptoe around problems. That is the problem that our society is facing today and what is the root of our society? - the family. I think that more families need to step up and be what they are supposed to be.

There are other ways of going about loving his sister then confronting her. He can and should talk to his parents. It is ultimately their responsibility anyway. He can show support to his sister without disclosing what he knows. But it sounds to me like there are other serious issues in the family that need to be addressed as well. I know because I come from a dysfunctional family myself. Communication is something that is severely lacking in today's family.

[beefche]

I'm with you on this one, checkerboy. She's 17 y/o and needs guidance still. The parents have the right and responsibility to guide her and do what they can to help her. That isn't to say it won't be difficult and you can bet she's going to get made at anyone who she perceives "told" on her or even supports the parents in the decisions. Society is trying to take parental rights away more and more.

It's a fine line for the parents to help and not push her into the boyfriend's arms. But that is their problem to fight and solve.

[Misshalfway]

And at that point you let her make her own choices. Like I said she is gonna hate him at this point but would you rather someone you love tremendously, hate you now but learn from their mistakes and realize that you cared later on in their life?

I guess I am having an anti-PC moment. I just hate hearing people trying to tiptoe around problems. That is the problem that our society is facing today and what is the root of our society? - the family. I think that more families need to step up and be what they are supposed to be.

There are other ways of going about loving his sister then confronting her. He can and should talk to his parents. It is ultimately their responsibility anyway. He can show support to his sister without disclosing what he knows. But it sounds to me like there are other serious issues in the family that need to be addressed as well. I know because I come from a dysfunctional family myself. Communication is something that is severely lacking in today's family.

Yes. I totally agree with this.

[skalenfehl]

This is definitely one of those difficult and sensitive situations. From the perspective of one who has adopted and raised two hellions through their teenage years I can tell you that even though my boys went through it all (drugs, girls, pornography, alcohol, police, etc), they were never shy about "narcing" on each other when they knew the situation was very serious. My boys and I have been through it all. The "I hate you's", "It's my life", "I know what I'm doing", etc. They thought as children do and typically do not develop real world common sense until they are past their teens when they have experienced the pitfalls of life through trial and error.

My boys got into the nastiest fights (one of my boys swung a vaccuum cleaner at my other boy's face) and on another incident my other boy shot a paint ball gun at his brother point blank in the face, which was extremely dangerous and near life threatening. Through all the police calls, visits to the hospital in the middle of the night, their schools and with the parents of their so called friends, my boys knew all the way through that I loved them, but would never tolerate their inappropriate actions and I kept my foot down and stood my ground with them. They needed a very firm hand. Despite what they've been through and subjected each other to, they are still on talking terms and know how to say "I love you" to each other. Where a child lacks a moral compass or is still developing one, regardless of their claim that parent's don't understand and all the other excuses, the parent has the right to know and do something about it. Denial is one of the worst things for a parent to have so I hope they are prepared for this. I hope things work out because your sister needs a life preserver right now and a serious talking to before she turns 18 and claims stewardship of her own life to govern by her own rationale.

D&C 83: 4

4 All children have claim upon their parents for their maintenance until they are of age.

D&C 68: 25

25 And again, inasmuch as parents have children in Zion, or in any of her stakes which are organized, that teach them not to understand the doctrine of repentance, faith in Christ the Son of the living God, and of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost by the laying on of the hands, when eight years old, the sin be upon the heads of the parents.

Now obviously she is not 8 anymore, but the point is the Lord has given us stewardship of our children--His children, and it is a stewardship that we need to take seriously and not shrink from it because our child might have a tantrum. It's called tough love.

[RachelleDrew]

Nobody is saying "don't tell her parents". What we are trying to say is that this situation needs to be handled with finesse in an attempt to keep lines of communication open.

Worse things can happen than this 17 year old having sex. One wouldn't want her to clam up later over even more dangerous issues because she doesn't trust anyone.

[skalenfehl]

Nobody is saying "don't tell her parents". What we are trying to say is that this situation needs to be handled with finesse in an attempt to keep lines of communication open.

Worse things can happen than this 17 year old having sex. One wouldn't want her to clam up later over even more dangerous issues because she doesn't trust anyone.

I know and I wholeheartedly agree, however my reply is not intended to contradict the posts of others who have replied, but to directly address the OP's personal quandary and request for the experiences of other parents:

Though I know it will crush her, should my wife and I inform my parents of what is going on? I told my 19 year old sister that since my 17 year old sister is confiding in her that she should try to convince her to tell mom and dad. She doesn't want to confront her with that. I know my younger sister won't listen to me and I don't want her to know that my 19 year old sister told me either. Has anyone gone through anything similar to this before, either as a sibling or as a parent? I do not know what I should do as her older brother. Thanks very much for any help you may be able to give.

As a loving and concerned father who has raised teenagers, I stand by my words. My point is that it is ok to tell the parents and that you are doing so because you love her enough to intervene.

Edited June 18, 2008 by skalenfehl

[MorningStar]

I would tell my parents because they are the only ones who have any hope of setting limits for her. They don't even have to tell her they know, but say they've been thinking about it and they realize that any girl and any boy can mess up, and they would like to limit how much alone time she spends with him. She might start to feel like they know instinctively and not blame it on her sister. :)

[Canuck Mormon]

I would tell my parents because they are the only ones who have any hope of setting limits for her. They don't even have to tell her they know, but say they've been thinking about it and they realize that any girl and any boy can mess up, and they would like to limit how much alone time she spends with him. She might start to feel like they know instinctively and not blame it on her sister. :)

I think that this might be the best way to go. Siblings have a tendency to fight with one another (from my own experience), especially if it's an older one telling the younger one what to do. Let the parents know, and let them handle it in the way that they see fit. It's their child, not yours.

[skalenfehl]

thank you all so much for your quick responses. This is all very helpful and I appreciate any information at all as my wife and I are praying as to how to go about this ourselves. Thank you again.

I posted previously before seeing this and see that I should have focused more on the solution than the problem. As one who has been through teenagers and also who has three sisters, all who went through the same thing, I definitely agree that sensitivity is needed. Going to your parents confidentially would be my course of action. Your youngest sister may likely find out anyway but be assured that your intervention is done so because you truly do love her and care about her welfare. Best wishes.

[ibanez2k]

Thanks for all the information you have given so far. This is all very helpful and I've been reading everything. Just a couple things I want to add to clarify a bit. My 19 year old sister has talked with her a little more yesterday. My 19 year old sister is a strong person but, as I said, is going through a divorce/custody battle/child support/lawyer problems and all that comes with that right now and with all of that I don't think she is capable, nor deserves to be the one to have to be burdend with this. As you have all said as well, the parents need to be the parents here. Though I love my parents very much, they can be quite panicky about things (expecially Mom). In this situation it could be even worse since this is there youngest child and they think the world of her. Though my parents have very limited means they ALWAYS go out of their way to make her happy and bend to her whims. She has the car she wants, the phone, the clothes, everything. I just hope whatever decision we make it is the right one. Just wish these kind of things didn't happen. That is life though I suppose.

[RachelleDrew]

I know and I wholeheartedly agree, however my reply is not intended to contradict the posts of others who have replied, but to directly address the OP's personal quandary and request for the experiences of other parents:

As a loving and concerned father who has raised teenagers, I stand by my words. My point is that it is ok to tell the parents and that you are doing so because you love her enough to intervene.

Certainly. :) I was actually referencing checkerboys response. Not that I disagree with him, I just think that he's ignoring that this family is dealing with a typical, hormonal, teenage girl.

I have experience with this matter because i've been in a similar situation before. My brother was awfully quick to "tattle" on my sexual experiences to my father before I even had the chance to confess. I certainly wanted to be honest with my father, but searching for the right words and the right moment takes time. My relationship with both my father and my brother would be tremendously better if I could have been given a chance to own up myself which I certainly would have had my bother not ran to my father TWO DAYS after it happened.

I'm still quite bitter in case you cannot tell. And my parent's knowing certainly didn't stop me. Once he knew, he accused me of not being honest with him (even though I had every intention of doing so.) of course I was to never see my boyfriend again and I was grounded for months.

Windows are a teenager's best friend after bedtime by the way.

Anywho, the moral of the story is of course that the manner in which things are approached make all the difference in the outcome of the situation. One can clue the parents in on the girl's dangerous behavior without being a downright snitch.

[rena_goldmoon]

Hi. I am the original posters wife. Id also like to say thanks for all the information. Id also like to comment that we are taking everyones feelings into account but feel that something should be done soon. If we do approach her parents first it will be to prepare them for the situation so they dont slam her and are able to deal with it as adults and loving parents instead of acting in the shock of the moment. And I say IF. We are still praying and disscussing the matter. Thanks for all the different points of view. Every situation and person is different so I wouldnt get affended of other peoples posts and we are greatful for all of them. They help us look at the situation from different angles and take into account what we know about the individuals in this family. Also God is the one who sees this situation from all angles so we will deffinately rely on Him. Another thought occured to me her parents are the only ones here able to recieve revelation for her besides the Bishop. Just food for thought. Like I said thanks for the imformation we have recieved and all (and more) are welcome.