Unique difficulties

[qmechanoid]

It would seem that I take to the internet for the supposed anonymity when I seek a more objective view on things that mess with my head.

But let us get to the point.

I currently attend one of the US Service Academies – which one it is I shall not say – and the dating scene there is non-existent for the predominantly male members of our ward. I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that there is only one single eligible female who attends our ward regularly, compared to the fifty or so male cadets. Naturally, our isolation from social circles makes dating extremely difficult. However, what worries me is the way this isolation has affected my ability to make friendships with women in any circumstance. Those familiar with Academy policies also know that federal law prevents us from marrying prior to graduation, so anyone who is not a senior is often never even considered.

Ever since entering the academy in 2003, and having served a mission in the interim, I can safely say that it has been five years since I interacted regularly with women my age in any kind of social setting. Now that I am at home on some leave time, I find that attending the local YSA ward is awkward in the extreme, and in five weeks I have not dared speak to anyone female in any capacity. Despite developing a good measure of confidence in almost every other aspect of my life, I seem to have lost any and all confidence I may have once had with women.

I know what the Brethren say about marriage; I hear the counsel (and feel the pressure) of local leaders, friends and even my parents; I just cannot bring myself to break the insular social bubble that the military seems to have fused around my social life.

Any thoughts?

Edited June 26, 2008 by qmechanoid

[Gwen]

i'm not going to profess to have anything helpful here. lol

sometimes you just have to jump in the deep end. if the possibility of your situation is common knowledge then i'd think any decent woman would understand. if it's not maybe explain it. just watch for awhile see who the more compassionate women are, even if you aren't interested in dating or even being best friends with her she's a good place to start in breaking the ice on a social level.

i dated a guy where i was the first girl he dated after getting home from his mission. knowing that i expected some nervousness. spend 2 yrs being told don't even think about it and then turn around and be told to go get married, kinda a set up for that. lol he asked permission to hold my hand the first time. i actually thought it was cute, so it worked in his favor. you never know.

[NeuroTypical]

I didn't date at all until I was 26 yrs old. 10 months later, we got married. We're still running strong 10+ years later with 2 kids.

I'm somewhat of a rare occurance, so take my opinion for what it's worth: Don't worry about it. Figure out the lifestyle you'd like, then work at it. It takes time. Fear and awkwardness go hand in hand for anyone venturing into new territory. As I look back on the strange path I took, it becomes apparent that I was simply not ready until my mid-20's. Then one year, despite my total lack of any kind of experience whatsoever, despite my incredible awkwardness and my paralyzing fear, it all just fell together on its own. I figure God had a hand in holding me back, as well as nudging me forward, when it came time.

The last thing you want to be doing, is trying to live some sort of life you feel people want you to live. People who get pressured into marriage often regret it. Often, their kids regret it too.

LM

[Hemidakota]

It would seem that I take to the internet for the supposed anonymity when I seek a more objective view on things that mess with my head.

But let us get to the point.

I currently attend one of the US Service Academies – which one it is I shall not say – and the dating scene there is non-existent for the predominantly male members of our ward. I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that there is only one single eligible female who attends our ward regularly, compared to the fifty or so male cadets. Naturally, our isolation from social circles makes dating extremely difficult. However, what worries me is the way this isolation has affected my ability to make friendships with women in any circumstance. Those familiar with Academy policies also know that federal law prevents us from marrying prior to graduation, so anyone who is not a senior is often never even considered.

Ever since entering the academy in 2003, and having served a mission in the interim, I can safely say that it has been five years since I interacted regularly with women my age in any kind of social setting. Now that I am at home on some leave time, I find that attending the local YSA ward is awkward in the extreme, and in five weeks I have not dared speak to anyone female in any capacity. Despite developing a good measure of confidence in almost every other aspect of my life, I seem to have lost any and all confidence I may have once had with women.

I know what the Brethren say about marriage; I hear the counsel (and feel the pressure) of local leaders, friends and even my parents; I just cannot bring myself to break the insular social bubble that the military seems to have fused around my social life.

Any thoughts?

Air force has it moments....

Do not worry, the Spirit will prompt when you are ready. Your focus should be on academics and not girls.

[Misshalfway]

Well, I don't know if I have any magic answers either, other than I am a girl and we get nervous too! Even when we haven't been in the military world.

Sure there is a dating game. I don't know anybody who hasn't blown it on one occasion or another. I certainly have a few funny war stories. But, you know, don't let that get you down! You have confidence in other areas. So conjure some of that mojo when you meet a girl.

I think you need to change the way you are thinking about it. You are giving the girls way too much power. They are just people too with plenty of their own insecurities. (people used to think I was so confident and self assured. One guy even balled me out one day cuz I didn't 'need' men enough. Crazy impressions! I was just as scared and insecure as the next guy.) What I mean is don't let those destortions in you head fool you. You are awesome right? You have talent, smarts, dedication, yes? Some girl out there will see that. We are pretty smart. We can see the good ones!!!! And you are one of the good ones!

Next time you go to the singles scene, take a minute to look and smell nice. Breath mints help. Then you don't have to worry about all that. Then take all the pressure off yourself. Go there for fun or relaxation. Find some girl you think is nice....not one that you have the hots for. And just go talk to her. Ask her if she liked the church service or where she is from. Ask her simple questions, and tell of yourself a bit (a bit! Let her talk) Don't stay in the conversation very long....maybe a few minutes. Say nice talking to you. And let that be a success. Do that a bunch and pretty soon you'll be talking to lots of girls and making friends. And more importantly, discovering who you might like for future reference. The romance piece will find you. Worrying about it will only stress you and everyone else out! So why think that way? Anyway, you don't have to get married tomorrow! And what if you don't for a while. Who cares! Just go in, like you would an unknown mission. Leave fear at the door. Anyway...... What woman can resist a confident man in uniform???????

Good luck!

Edited June 26, 2008 by Misshalfway

[Islander]

It would seem that I take to the internet for the supposed anonymity when I seek a more objective view on things that mess with my head.

But let us get to the point.

I currently attend one of the US Service Academies – which one it is I shall not say – and the dating scene there is non-existent for the predominantly male members of our ward. I am not exaggerating in the slightest when I say that there is only one single eligible female who attends our ward regularly, compared to the fifty or so male cadets. Naturally, our isolation from social circles makes dating extremely difficult. However, what worries me is the way this isolation has affected my ability to make friendships with women in any circumstance. Those familiar with Academy policies also know that federal law prevents us from marrying prior to graduation, so anyone who is not a senior is often never even considered.

Ever since entering the academy in 2003, and having served a mission in the interim, I can safely say that it has been five years since I interacted regularly with women my age in any kind of social setting. Now that I am at home on some leave time, I find that attending the local YSA ward is awkward in the extreme, and in five weeks I have not dared speak to anyone female in any capacity. Despite developing a good measure of confidence in almost every other aspect of my life, I seem to have lost any and all confidence I may have once had with women.

I know what the Brethren say about marriage; I hear the counsel (and feel the pressure) of local leaders, friends and even my parents; I just cannot bring myself to break the insular social bubble that the military seems to have fused around my social life.

Any thoughts?

I concur with some of the posts above. Concentrate in your academics and then ease yourself into a more normal life after you graduate and receive your assignment. You can not marry now so dating will increase your stress, no doubt and add aditional pressure to an already crowded schedule. You will be OK.

[StallionMcBeastly]

Just treat women like your bratty little sister. Don't care what they think. Problem solved, you're welcome.

[qmechanoid]

I appreciate the thought. I guess it has been on my mind a lot since coming home from my mission just over one year ago.

Oh well - only one year left, and then some freedom.

[Aphrodite]

I think when people worry too much and try to hard in the dating scene in the church. I was never bothered about dating or boys-I was always having too much fun with my friends and enjoying my life. Yet I had several boyfriends before I started dating my husband-who was in fact a long-time friend anyway. I think the reason for this was I didnt come accross as needy and desperate. I came across as a fun girl to be around who was feminine but not high maintenance-thats obviosuly what blokes were looking for-at one point I had 3 men all vying for my attentions! Just try to relax. Slowly get to know people and dont be thinking about potential dating all the time. Just get to know people as friends. Then the dates will come :)