Need for advice/reassurance in dealing with an ex


unixknight
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I hope maybe someone can relate to this, and I'll do my very best to express the situation is as neutral a tone as I can.

A couple of years ago my wife and I split up, and while we share custody of our 3 children they live with her most of the time. I had gone through a stage where I was inactive in the Church and didn't live the Gospel very well at all, but eventually got back on my feet and found a new wife who has joined the Church and all is well on that front.

The problem is that recently, my ex found a new boyfriend and in no time at all they started to sleep together, justifying it in the eyes of the kids by insisting that nothing immoral is happening. My kids are very uncomfortable with what they see as a thin rationalization of something that ought not to be. Recently she came to me to tell me she'd ceased wearing her garments because she felt that living the Gospel was just too taxing and wanted to not worry about it anymore.

I feel like I'm in a very difficult position because yes, there was a time when I too was setting a lousy example as well, so I feel like while I am now responsible for setting a good example, I feel, at the same time, like a hypocrite. I don't think I can take the moral high ground, but somebody's got to otherwise I fear my kids will lose their testimony. It's true that I'm an example of the forgiveness of the Savior and how it is possible for someone to fall and pick themselves up again, but when the kids spend 90% of their time living with their mom, I feel helpless to take the reins, as it were.

Anybody else experienced anything like this?

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Haven't experienced the same thing but you have to remain neutral and supportive to your children an their mother no matter what . You can't judge her and sadly even though she is falling away from the church at this time there is no reason no to hope she will return. Your influence on your children is stronger than you think...... Are they still going to church??? Can you take them???? Do the have the church magazines in their home???? ( another way to help keep them connected) Your right you can't judge .

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Man with a few differences yours and my story are almost identical. My ex-wife decided that she wanted to stop going to church and wearing her garments and whatnot also. She has primary custody of my boys so I see them every other weekend basically. One thing I demanded as far as custody goes was to get them every other Monday night for FHE. That way at least once a week, with going to church and alternating Monday nights, my boys get some sort of religious structure in their lives.

I too had some repenting to do but seeing as my boys are very young they never really understood. The hard part is trying to prove to my ex that things are different now. I know I shouldn't have to prove anything but that is how she is. She thinks that I can't say anything about her new lifestyle because of my old one.

The thing that comforts me is that when I have them I try my best to always set a good example. I try to take the time to get to know them and be a father to them. Do those things and they will always remember what is right regardless of what they are exposed to.

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Its not just what you do with your children that makes a difference it is how you treat their mother..............

No matter what happened to end your marriage you are forever ( this earth) bonded to their mother. Never talk badly about her in front of them. Be supportive and try not to judge when she makes bad decisions . I can go on but I hope you get what I am trying to say

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Thanks guys.

Yeah I do pretty much those things. I got my ex to form an agreement with me to keep our issues between us and not criticize each other to the kids.

Lately my kids have expressed to me their gladness that I've held up my end of that deal, even as they tell me about how she doesn't.

They're with me every other weekend and so I can get them to church. When they're at home they go with their grandparents, who live in the same home with them and are members. They are getting to church and my oldest is in Seminary, so that much is covered. As I understand it, he even leads his younger siblings in prayer.

I just wish it didn't have to fall to him to take up that slack but he is handling it admirably. It's the younger two I worry about the most.

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Worry is at tool of Satan.... You pray and do all you can Then give it up to Father in Heaven... Your kids will be alright..... Send a postcard, card, phonecall, email etc... during the week... It is your sons responsibility as the only priesthood holder in the home , this can only help him grow...... all will be well. Work on ending the negative feelings you have for her you can only control you and the example you show will mean so much to your kids.....

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See, that's the sort of thing I'd like to have happening, but it seems like my ex's relationship with our kids is being systematically disassembled and I feel like I either have to step in and make excuses for her, or somehow try to distract the kids.

I've already tried talking to her directly about this, but my words carry no weight whatsoever so I got nowhere. I've been thinking about talking to her parents for the kids' sake, but I have little hope that they'd do anything because it might be seen as "getting involved" which they have never done.

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Patience isn't only a virtue but necessary .... You need to give her some time and do what I always do to my husband .... I sick God on him :} pray hard about the problem and continue to pray till the situation improves. She knows whats right, she will come around, be patient... also put her name in at the temple..

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Unix? You can't make excuses for her and you can't attack her for it, either. You are in a bad position, but what you need to do is back off. Your kids are smart enough to recognize hypocrisy, but you can neither make excuses nor attack her. If you make excuses, your kids will recognize that you're lying to them. If you attack her, they'll resent you because it's their mother.

Seriously. The only thing you can tell them is, "We all have free will to do what we want. We just can't choose the consequences of our actions. You love your mother - Pray that her life is everything she wanted it to be."

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Woohoo!

And this was well timed... I just got a call from my eldest and apparently due to complaining on the part of his mom, he's now option out of going to Youth Conference... He assures me that the decision was his, but I know in my heart he did it to try and appease his mom. This is an area in which I have absolutely no control whatsoever and I want to talk to him about it this weekend when he comes down to visit, but I feel I have to walk a very fine line... I want him to stand up for what is the best thing to do but at the same time I don't want to be effectively encouraging him to disregard his mother's authority.

Time for lots and lots of prayer.

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I feel for those that find themselves in such a situation. I had a friend that divorced and the girls stayed with their mom with every other weekend with dad . Nothing "weird' happened but she walked away from the church and of course took the girls with her. They shifted to a more secular lifestyle with Sunday outings, social drinking, lax parental controls and the like. Soon the girls did not want to spend time with dad since mom always had an "exciting" activity for Sunday.

It's been over 5 years and those girls are as good as gone from the church at age 18-19. They want nothing to do with it and there is nothing to indicate that they will ever return. I am not discounting the possibility but given the fact the they no longer even associate with church members and former friends, it casts a doubt in my mind that such would be the case any time soon.

The older they get the more difficult it becomes to pull them back into the Gospel since the secular social environment offer a lot more seductive and emotionally appealing choices. They have lived for so long away from the Spirit that it no longer influences them. Since their mother has done the same and absolutely hates everything to do with church there no hope in that corner either in terms of support.

My friend's heart broken. His new wife and 2 young children are active in the church but the above remains a constant reminder of his failures (at least in his mind) of the past. He keeps hoping and praying but that is all he can do which given how he feels about it is not much in terms of consolation.

Edited by Islander
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That's exactly the scenario I want to avoid. I have a pretty strong influence over my sons, but my daughter is her mommy's girl (Although that has suffered as the new boyfriend's daughter has come into the picture and supplanted my daughter a the favorite, at least from her perspective.)

I've already had to sit down with her (she's 8) and reassure her that I love her as much as ever and that I'm incredibly proud of her. The reason: My wife and I have a new baby daughter and I anticipated possible jealousy issues. What didn't help was the day my ex dropped our daughter off, pointed to the new baby and whispered to her "There's your competition."

I tell that story because it seems like I may be facing an active effort on her part to drive a wedge between the kids and me, even as her own relationship with them erodes. I will take the advice I've been given here and hopefully I can report back later that all is well.

Incidentally, since my son isn't going to Youth Conference he's coming here for the weekend. (I can't take him realistically to YC because they live in another state)

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That's your competition!? How vile. Ugh.

Ask your son if he's prayed about not going to youth conference. It could be that he feels strongly about staying home because he sees himself as the spiritual leader of his younger siblings and does not believe that they will currently fare well without him.

Funktown was spot on.

You may want to talk to the Grandparents about how much you appreciate them taking your children to church and to please continue to do so.

The primary song search ponder and pray comes to my mind.

Also, find ways to bring hymns into the lives of your children. That way when things are going wrong with their mother they will have their favorite hymns to sing to themselves as comfort.

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Unfortunately the ONLY antidote for that kind of active opposition is TIME. I just imagine what a new wife and baby can do in a situation like this. but you have to make time during the week to have them arund, do stuff, tell them as to reassure them. Explain that although a divorce took place it was the adults not being able to solve their differences and not the children. Debunk that theory about the "competition" since it is not true is important. Give them time 1-on-1 as to chat about what's going on.

I would call them every day even a few minutes just to check. Text them, find stuff they find interesting and send it tot them. Do geanology and if they are 12 arrange to go to the Temple with them.

You are going to have to do constantly do damage control by insisting they got o church on Sunday. You may have to arrange for somebody to pick them up and YOU may have to go and pick them up some times and attend with them. I vaguely remember early in the year during our Stake Conference in the Priesthood session stats about this very issue being discussed. Something like 70% of those that divorce and remarry away from the church with small children only 5% find their way back to the church. The odds are not good.

You may have to go and visit with a family and marriage counselor to give you professional advise and a play by play book of dealing with these issues.

My heart goes out to you.

Edited by Islander
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Unfortunately the ONLY antidote for that kind of active opposition is TIME. I just imagine what a new wife and baby can do in a situation like this. but you have to make time during the week to have them arund, do stuff, tell them as to reassure them. Explain that although a divorce took place it was the adults not being able to solve their differences and not the children. Debunk that theory about the "competition" since it is not true is important. Give them time 1-on-1 as to chat about what's going on.

I would call them every day even a few minutes just to check. Text them, find stuff they find interesting and send it tot them. Do geanology and if they are 12 arrange to go to the Temple with them.

You are going to have to do constantly do damage control by insisting they got o church on Sunday. You may have to arrange for somebody to pick them up and YOU may have to go and pick them up some times and attend with them. I vaguely remember early in the year during our Stake Conference in the Priesthood session stats about this very issue being discussed. Something like 70% of those that divorce and remarry away from the church with small children only 5% find their way back to the church. The odds are not good.

You may have to go and visit with a family and marriage counselor to give you professional advise and a play by play book of dealing with these issues.

My heart goes out to you.

Whoa.

Yes, definitely, listen to this man. That was powerful Islander. Thank you.

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