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You know...

It's tough being told, every time that the whole mission thing gets brought up with me, to "Go and do it." or "You won't regret it." or "Even if you can't do the full thing, it'll be worth it."

It's draining, really, to constantly have people telling me this. It's almost as if, the way they say it, that I don't have enough faith to go on a mission.

So then I feel awkward every time it's brought up. "Great... they're going to ask me." "Great, another person I have to say, 'No, I'm not planning one right now,' to."

And I just don't like it. I really believe that those guys who don't go on missions have an unrighteous judgment against them, whether conscious or not.

I shouldn't have to explain to others that those entitled to receive revelation for ME, personally, have counseled me to go to school, instead. Going on a full-time mission has never been excluded in those counsels, but it's been essentially... put on the back burner.

This hasn't been an easy thing for me. The counsel goes against, well, logic, to me. There's a standing commandment from the prophets... Every young and able man should go.

I can only assume I'm not "able," because that's my general feeling.

I've prayed and fasted on it multiple times. I weighed it in my head. "Go and serve, or go to school." To my shock, the answer was not "Go and serve."

That's the first person entitled to receive revelation for me.

But I wasn't satisfied, and didn't trust my own feelings.

So it was for this very purpose that I decided to get my Patriarchal Blessing. I fasted, and prayed, to receive an answer about it.

"Continue your education."

Well, okay. But it still feels odd to me, even though that's a 2nd confirmation.

Third was one of my home teachers. I talked to him, he knew my situation. He was the ward missionary director, or whatever that calling is, when I was investigating. He said to go and get as much schooling done as I can. Even if I graduated first, I'd still have time to go.

Well, 3rd confirmation here, but everyone else seems against me.

Are there any others who experience this?

Do others notice this stigma?

What do you think about having to "explain" to everyone? Saying, "It's none of their business," really isn't a, well, practical standpoint.

Edit:

For those who can't go, and have a situation like mine... Do you think this burden of stigma is a sort of balance for the burden of constant work for the Lord?

Also, do you think it'll get worse as I'm older? Right now the being a recent convert thing sometimes... lessens the judgment, I guess... But as I'm older it'll be "Where did you serve?" instead of "Are you going to serve?"

Edited by VisionOfLehi
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From my outsiders perspective, you cannot go on a mission right now. If it's not of faith, and you sense no calling, then it is sin. Besides, if every member is a missionary, than you can certainly let your light shine on your campus.

IMHO, this is probably a church culture problem...one that elevates a program above the callings and directing of the Holy Spirit, because the program (2 year church missionary) is easily explained, visual (uniformed), and traditional.

Don't give in to peer pressure, obey what you know God is saying.

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I agree with Prisonchaplain, that you're running into a "culture problem" here. You're in Utah right? I would dare say that where you are now is where you will experience this the worst, at least from my experience (having friends in my home state of CA who didn't serve, and friends in UT who didn't serve, the ones in CA hardly ever got asked if they were planning to serve, and weren't asked to explain when they said they weren't).

YOU know where you stand in the eyes of the Lord, cling to that, and eventually you'll be able to find true friends who won't use something like this to judge you.

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I think it is hard for people to think outside the box on this issue because our leaders have taught that every able and worthy young man should serve. I think a situation like yours is rare and won't be something that people think about readily. I think they look at you and see your strengths and wonder "why not".

In the end, I don't think it is ignorance. I mean how could people possibly know your circumstances. And we all make general assumptions. It is human nature. I think it all comes from a place of loving the idea of an RM and they want that for you too. That ideal image may be a stumbling block for us as LDS, in this area and others too. And perhaps we need to think about things out of the box sometimes.

I used to get comments like this all the time about not being married before I was 25. I don't know how many people patted me on the knee and unsolicited said, "he will come, dear" or "what is wrong with you" or " I have found your perfect husband!" It was annoying and some people were really unsensitive, but in the end, I think it was all because they wanted something good for me.

So, perhaps the trick is to stand strong in your convictions and choices and not to become defensive or self conscious in any way. You can greet such comments or attitudes with patience and try to see any good intention that might be behind it. You don't have to justify yourself or explain. At the end of the day, it is not their business and you have no obligation to enlighten them. Perhaps you could say, "what an interesting perspective. Have you ever thought about it differently?" Or maybe just find some private humor and forgive the person their fumbling. No sense wrecking your own peace over such things.

We are always safe when following the guidance of the Holy Spirit -- even if it doesn't follow convention. Correction: ESPECIALLY when it doesn't follow convention. :) J Smith knew all about that one!

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I agree with Prisonchaplain, that you're running into a "culture problem" here. You're in Utah right? I would dare say that where you are now is where you will experience this the worst, at least from my experience (having friends in my home state of CA who didn't serve, and friends in UT who didn't serve, the ones in CA hardly ever got asked if they were planning to serve, and weren't asked to explain when they said they weren't).

YOU know where you stand in the eyes of the Lord, cling to that, and eventually you'll be able to find true friends who won't use something like this to judge you.

BTW. Not everybody in Utah thinks this way. :)

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There will always be something like this in life. There is always going to be a general "expectation" for what people should be doing at a particular time in their lives, and it's not entirely specific to members of the LDS church. There are just things that are generally assumed because they are part of our basic beliefs (like the view of missions, marriage and having families) yet there's more room for personal circumstances than we usually acknowledge.

Like Misshalfway, I've felt the pressures of a certain expectation with things like serving a mission, getting married, having children. I had people ask me a month after my son was born when we were having another. My best friend is expecting her 4th child and her oldest is 4 years old. She feels like people look at her and judge her for being a "typical Mormon" who is out to have a million kids before she's 30. But at the same time, I feel a bit of pressure to be more like SHE is. We've been married for the same amount of time and I'm somehow not keeping up with my covenant to multiply and replenish the earth because we only have one child, and I'm sure the pressure is SO much greater for those who don't have any! We naturally have the tendency to believe we'd be happier in someone else’s shoes.

However, when I'm speaking with someone else, it's very hard to understand exactly how it would feel to hear or how a question or comment might be received. I find myself not saying anything at all for fear that something I say might be taken the wrong way.

It's just always going to be hard to understand a situation when you haven't experienced it yourself and even then, no two people have identical lives. I guess that's where charity comes back into this. We all need to be a little more sensitive to the feelings of our brothers and sisters around us while being more forgiving or quick to assume that someone didn't mean to hurt or embarrass with comments made to us.

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I know I'm in Utah now, but actually I got it a lot back home, too. Pretty much any adult member I associated with asked me about it. And then when I say I'm not currently planning one, they would switch into encouragement mode and sometimes get that "look" of "Well why not?"

And, see, I understand that there were some fellows in my ward that NEEDED that encouragement. They were able to, they just needed encouragement to go after it, and try and get some money for it. For them it was the push they needed to go on a mission. One of them is right now.

Honor, I like your example of a month later "When are you going to have another one?"

For me, a month after my BAPTISM people were asking "So, are you going to go on a mission?" That was awkward, for me. Could I at least finish reading the Book of Mormon, first? :P

But that question came up a LOT, so 4 months after becoming a member I got my PB to figure out what to do.

Canuck: Now that you're married, when missions get brought up in conversations, how do people react when they find out you didn't go on one?

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When I was dating, this was a huge obstacle. There seemed to be a stigma against men who never went on a mission. As soon as some women found out I was not an RM they had no interest in me. Lucky for me, I found a woman who doesn't care about my past, she cares about what I am up to now.

Good Luck VoL.

i was inactive just out of high school until i was over 30 yrs old. when i became active again i went to several single lds chat sites. so many times i would get a pm chat message that the first thing was "RM?", not even hi how are you, or my name is...

it got to where i wouldn't even click on those popups. i did eventually marry someone from ldschat, but she didnt care about that.

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In the general sense, every culture, including the church, has time honored built-in mores and values, social norms, and thus expectation which in fact is what happens in every social group. When a person chooses or circumstances dictate that a path different and away from the norm be followed it is going to be noticed. It is unfortunately unavoidable.

It becomes difficult to deal with because of the internal tension and cognitive dissonance it creates. There is the socially (do not forget doctrinal) expected behavior which is almost like a right of passage for young men in the church; and then there is what the young man chooses to do or is forced to do on account of certain circumstances.

Whatever it is, I think people function within the socio-cultural norms (it could be outside of Utah) and such expectations are part of the environment and thus they will always be prone to ask such questions. Sorry, tough deal.

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Sometimes cultural beliefs and practices are at risk of putting the letter of the law above the spirit.

It is obvious from your posts that you are a thoughtful and faithful person. The key responsibility which we can all work on is to follow the direction we receive, as individuals. Although the church has a Prophet, so also every member has their own gifts, and their own turf to exercise them on. I am far too old as a convert to drop my family, and run off on a mission...but I have to say that the work I do is the best mission field for me. (So, until I retire, I guess I can never be "Returned"...my wife loves me anyway.)

You have integrity. Let that be your defense.

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i was inactive just out of high school until i was over 30 yrs old. when i became active again i went to several single lds chat sites. so many times i would get a pm chat message that the first thing was "RM?", not even hi how are you, or my name is...

it got to where i wouldn't even click on those popups. i did eventually marry someone from ldschat, but she didnt care about that.

seriosusly?? That is outrageous. How shallow minded can some people be?! Also just because you've been on a mission doesnt make you a wonderful brilliant person-I know a few 'RMs' who are idiots!!!!

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I didn't go on my mission until I was 21. There was a steady 2-years of the same questions "Are you going on a mission? Are your papers in yet?, etc." To make it worse, my bishop was a recently returned Mission President! Who do you think he had on HIS radar, huh?

My way of going against this was to wear a different color shirt (other than white) every Sunday to try to avoid that "fresh missionary look".

If I had left at 19, I KNOW I would've wasted that time - because my heart wouldn'tve been in it. This did give me a chance to serve in different church callings during this time and that helped me exercise more faith and feel useful to the ward.

I let everyone know that I was interested when I began wearing white shirts more frequently every Sunday.

So, wear colored shirts and grow out a goatee and let everyone think you're a "rebel without a cause"!

Edited by skippy740
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The only thing RMs probably get asked is when are they going to get married and have a family.

I used to get that, so I started showing up to Church with a different girl every week. Eventually the questions stopped. In fact, as a result, my dating life so far off the gossip radar that when I actually did get married, they announced it the weekend after the wedding, and half the people in the ward went, "REALLY?!" They didn't even know I'd been dating anyone.

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