Dealing with Infidelity


katiekins
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Hi Everyone,

I just found and joined this site today. My life has just been turned upside down and I need somewhere to go for support and advice. So here goes my story...

I am 22 years old and my life has always been wonderful. I was blessed with an amazing family and never had any real trials growing up. I am very close with my family and would consider myself an extremely happy and fun person. I am always smiling and make friends easily. I grew up in the gospel and have grown to love it more and more everyday. My testimony is indeed unshakable. I met my husband at a singles ward and fell in love with him immediately. We dated were married 1 year after we met. I was 19 he was 25. He served a mission, was an eagle scout and was a priesthood holder. We had a wonderful first 2 years of marriage. We were perfect together. We had so much fun, we were each other's best friends and didn't care about anything else but each other. Soon enough, I found out that my husband had been struggling with pornography and masturbation.

This was devastating enough to me. He went through a 12 step program, we went to counseling, he met with the bishop and started the repentance process. He said he had a change of heart and wanted nothing to do with pornography and that he was so deeply sorry for what he had done to me. After all, he never wanted anyone else, he didn't like what he was doing. He knew it was wrong and he felt disgusted with himself.... 6 months later he had been completely free from pornography and masturbation. He was going to start taking the sacrament again and we would soon be reunited in the temple. Things were looking up for us again and our marriage was blossoming once again. We always have so much fun together and tell each other everything.

It was not until this Wednesday that I found out that he went to a porn store a month ago on business. I was torn apart that he would do that when he was doing so good. But I was starting already to begin to deal with that and help him move on. After all , I know the likelihood of relapse in an addiction. The goal is to make them few and far between and less severe until they happen no more and the person has changed. But to my dismay, that was not the end of the confession. After my heart sank to my stomach, I asked him what else he had done wrong. I could feel it and my intuition has never been wrong about us. After he lied and denied it, the confession came out that he picked up the phone book in his hotel room and ordered a stripper/callgirl. He had so much time to reverse the situation, but he didn't. There was no sex, but there was touching and she touched him until climax. I am so completely devastated and I wonder why I fight for someone who treats me like this. I am sick of all of his fake words because he has said them all before. I can recite them. It's always "I am such a bad person. You mean everything to me. You are so beautiful and I love you more than anyone. I don't want to cause you any more pain. I will be better. I have to be better."

A few days have passed since I found out such terrible news. We are both meeting with the bishop tomorrow and my husband's speeches do seem to have a little more meaning. I know the problem before was that he never really acted or was consistent with the advice he was given. He never exercised, read his scriptures, prayed consistently. He let his guard down. He has already done more with action this time then he ever has before. I have seen him reading his scriptures and writing down things he needs to do and placing goals on paper. He now has a daily schedule for what do with his time and he has budgeted time for scriptures, journaling, church things, exercising, house work, enriching hobbies. He has his own room in our house now. He has put pictures of the temple, letters I have written to him expressing my grief and feelings, and pictures of us on the wall. But I still find myself not believing anything he says. I look at him so much differently. I am so disgusted to think about what he has done. I keep replaying in my head what that moment in the hotel must have looked like. How he could have treated me this way when our marriage has always been so perfect. He has always been my world. I would be devastated without him and he claims to feel the same about me. He cries when he talks about how bad he feels and how terrible he feels to see me like this.

But this has happened before. The speeches, the tears, the empty promises. How much more can I take? How many chances do I need to give? I am at the end of my rope and at a loss. I feel myself drifting fast. But still I get feelings that I need to stay even though I am so devastated. I can't picture a future with him. I know it is because I am in the moment but still. How can we mend what has been so destroyed. There is no trust. How could I ever be intimate again with him? How could we raise a family? My husband is convinced that he is changed and is continuing to change. He says that this time is different because he is going to be consistent with his spirituality and keeping himself worthy of his covenants. He knows that is the reason why he has failed before. He says no matter what happens with our marriage, that he is going to fix himself for him and for the gospel. That he will be who he wants and needs to be. He wants to be clean again and he sincerely hopes that I will find a way to let the Savior comfort me and heal my pain that we may have a future together. He says he knows it is going to be hard and he is willing to do whatever it takes and work everyday to fix himself and what he has destroyed. He says that I deserve so much better and that I need to be happy, even if that means leaving him. He says that I have every right to feel the way I do and that I would be perfectly justified in leaving him.

I just don't know what to do anymore. There are so many feelings and yet the gospel remains in my ears. I am a strong person and am very driven. I already have a career at home that I started to earn money when we have kids, and I have one semester left to earn my BA in advertising. I have everything in the world going for me. But I am so scared to be alone but so devastated that I could leave. I am such a huge ball of emotions and my sentiments on the subject change every moment. Sometimes I feel the spirit whispering to stay and see what he makes of it. Then I feel Satan telling me to leave the jerk and I know that he tries so hard to destroy strong families. And we were soooo strong before this past year. But then again I know infidelity is inexcusable and no one at church would oppose me doing what I felt needed to be done for my own wellbeing. I just don't know what to do anymore. Is he really going to change this time? Do I have it in me to move on even if he does change? How can I rebuild after the worst damage I could even imagine? How can I let the Savior heal me?

So anyways I think everyone gets the story. I could blabber for days. I already did. I will be surprised if someone reads all of this :) I am just so lost. I am going to the temple on Tuesday and hopefully I will receive some inspiration, healing, and clarity about where to go from here. Thanks for any advice and for listening.

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I am so very very sorry, Katiekins! This is a heartbreaking story and I am sorry to see such good people being pulled down by the sickening destruction of PA. It sounds like he has come to some understanding that he has a problem; at least he started 12 step work. But it doesn't seem to me that he has really internalized the principles or gotten to the root of the problem. The fact that his behavior has escalated and is moving into the 3D world is also worrisome. It is clear that his abstinence has been a white knuckling effort and and not real recovery. I think that it is common for the starve -- binge cycle to happen with our LDS addicts. They use, feel guilty, hold out, and then explode. It is a sad thing to watch.

I hope that you are able to set some clear boundaries with this man. You sound strong and centered. But you don't have to put up with this behavior and you are absolutely right about the trust issues and should proceed with caution.

Have you thought about getting a therapist ? Is your H pursuing his recovery again?

My heart breaks for you. But you are not alone and there is much in the way of hope and many who have walked this road before you.

Much love, MWH

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Wow... That's a tough question and you are an incredibly amazing person to be able to overcome it. It's clear his addiction troubles you a lot and to find out on top of that that he called a callgirl would be incredibly hard. I don't have any advice for you - You do what you have to. You deserve the best, girl, and even though marriage has to be worked at, it requires both of you to be working at it. Do you think he's working at it? If you do, it will hurt and it will be painful, but you can work past it.

I'm prayin' for you.

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Thanks Misshalfway. My husband seems to be on the real repentance path this time. But I have been so blinded in the past that I don't want to get myself comforted into my beliefs about what is or is not happening.... I hope that made sense. His story does seem to have more feeling about it and seems to be so much more gospel centered. He seems to have realized that even if we can't stay together... which he always says would break his heart.... his salvation is at stake and is willing to live right not just for us but for him and God. But then again, how much can I believe and trust? His words are indeed meaningless and he knows that. But he is following it up with action now, it's just a matter of time to see how long that lasts. I do know that I will not stand for slipups anymore, especially not any infidelity in physical form and he knows his days with me are limited and on an extremely slippery slope. I haven't really thought about a therapist. We've been to LDS family services before. I don't have any money for it. I guess I could ask bishop. I am going to post this thread on our group too. Thanks for listening.

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FunkyTown- thanks for your prayers. That is one thing I could definitely use more of. It is still too early to tell if he is really changed this time or not. I can feel the sincerity in his sorrow, but it still cannot repair the pain I feel and he knows that. What is different is that he told me today that he prays mightily for me. He asks Heavenly Father to comfort me and help me with the pain he has caused. So that is something different and promising. The worst part is that when we were dating I told him the 2 things I could not stand....liars and cheaters. The boundaries were set from the beginning. Maybe I jinxed myself. Maybe I should have told him that I can't stand horses and doggies...lol.. I LOVE horses an dogs. Maybe my life would have been surrounded by them then. :)

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They say that it takes 40-70 failed attempts before PA's can really say that they have recovered from this. I am so sorry for the both of you. How sad and heartbreaking for him to want to quit so badly and not be able to yet, and for you who has endured such betrayals. I like that he is seeing that his salvation hangs in the balance. That seems like an important realization. But the proof is in behavior not in words. It will be interesting to see what he does next.

I am glad you are coming to the group. I am looking forward to getting to know you better. I am sure the girls would love to read your story. I am sure many, if not all, will relate.

Hugs and comfort to you. I will post more in the group board. Take care of yourself!

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But then again I know infidelity is inexcusable

What?? Since when is it inexcusable. I excused my wife when she was unfaithfull to me and she did alot more then your husband did. Sad thing was she couldn't find it in her heart to forgive me for my weaknesses.

.:Post Register - Idaho Falls, ID:.

Here is a link to a series of articles done in my local paper on porn and sex addiction. Especially read the series called Dark Secret. It is a true story of a couple that I personally know. "Steve" has had a lot worse time with his addiction then many people I know including your husband. But notice how devoted and dedicated his wife is to him. It sounds like you want to be the same way. You can. I don't mean to let him walk all over you but I can promise that if you leave him it will compound the problem on his part and make it that much more difficult to over come. It did with me. Again though if he is just making excuses there is no need to put up with that. But from what you say it looks like he is sincere. Now being sincere doesn't mean he won't slip up again. You can't run because he slips up.

People don't understand but the addiction isn't about sex, that is just the chosen method of dealing with some kind of pain he is going through. Just like alcoholics drink to numb the pain. I am sure there are things that you do that bother him but he doesn't run. Sure sex addiction is way more devistating then the problems that you may have but remember that it is still just a problem that you two together can overcome.

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Checkerboy- I appreciate your input but feel some of your comments rather harsh at the moment. Boundaries have to be set and I really feel that there really are no more room for slip ups. I think it is ridiculous to tell me that I can't run because he slips up. I have stood by him for 2 years and have done nothing but believe in him and support him and he is grateful for that. But there are boundaries and I will not tolerate another "actual infidelity" in the flesh. I am sorry that you had to tolerate more and that your wife was so horrible to you. I understand a lot of the addiction and have been to a counselor, read several books, and talked with several older and wiser people who have dealt with it all. I appreciate a lot of your comments, you made a lot of valid points.

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Guest adellie38

Hmmmmm.....you are in a bind. Well, trust has been broken and that will take years to get back. You said you need the Savior to heal you. HE needs the Savior to heal him. Until that happens AND until he feels the Godly Sorrow that true repentance brings, he will always have this problem and you will always be watching his back. You are too young to have such issues in your life. I feel for you.

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I know a little of what you're going through right now. I went through the same thing with my ex-husband, but much worse. He was actually unfaithful three times within the first year of our marriage. And the pornography and masterbation issue had existed since his teens. It makes me wonder if your husband has struggled with those issues a lot longer than you realize. In any case, your husband is doing a lot better than mine did. He left the church because of his struggles and gave up fighting it. At least your husband is still trying to overcome it with the help of the church. My ex-husband's brother also struggled with those issues, but he stayed close to the church and fought it and he has overcome it, so I believe there is hope. His wife stood by him all the way and didn't give up on him. Ironically, I wish I had stayed with my ex-husband now that I look back. I ended up leaving after five years together for a lot of reasons, but I wish I had been stronger myself--more patient, more faithful, more unconditionally loving. I think both he and I and our children would all be in a better situation now if I had. But that's just my life. What it really comes down to, I think, is following the spirit. None of our advice or situations will have any bearing upon what is right for you and your situation.

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Thanks Lindsayjane- I am sorry to hear about your regret. But we live and learn I guess. I agree that nothing will tell me what to do but the spirit. It's just nice to connect with others and share experiences. I wish you the best and hope that you can find your happiness.

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Guest JHM-in-Bountiful

I felt your pain as I was reading what you had posted. I know about being addicted to porn and acting out on those feelings. From 1987 to 2007 I was held captive in that addiction. I kept the secret during that entire time from my family. I was a member of the church from 1989 to 2001. Then I decided to have my name removed from the church records. After doing so, my problem exploded into one of the worst issues of my life. In June of 2007 I attended a family reunion and had made the choice to return to the church. I went through the church's 12 step program, had several meetings with the bishop, prayed regularly, and stopped viewing porn. I will admit i need to study the scriptures more than I do. On July 12th, 2008 I was rebaptized back into the church. I have not transgressed during this past year, although some of those feelings still come up at times. I know that Heavenly Father wants us all to return to his presence one day. I've chosen to strive to be with him again over the pleasure I got from my addiction.

I know you have serious trust issues regarding your husband. You said the spirit is whispering to you to hang in there with the relationship. Keep thinking about that. You mentioned about going to the temple this week. I hope being at the temple will also help you with the situation. It may take a long time to regain trust in your husband again. I hope this time he is truley repentant. It sounds like he is striving towards doing so. I encourage the both of to continue to be involved in the healing process of this problem. Continue seeing your bishop and maybe try counseling through lds family services. I'll keep the both of you in my prayers.

John

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I also know what you are going through. I found out just a few months ago about my H porn problem when I caught him having an affair with a co worker. He committed adultry with her once. Before all of that we had the "perfect" marriage like you describe. He hid his addiction from me all that time. It was on and off since 8th grade! Most of this I found out 5 days before I gave birth do our second child. I got "trickle truth" for a few months after I caught him and now we are working on our marriage. We go see a marriage counselor through LDS Services and she has helped tremendously I have filters on our computers also. I have not seen him looking at porn since. He has been through the repentence process and is currently going through his discipline. This incident has seemed to wake him up. He has totally stepped it up and being the husband, father, and preisthood leader he has needed to be. I just hope it continues. I still have my daily struggles with this. Sometimes I am so angry about this whole thing I feel like picking up and leaving. I told my husband I am at zero tolerance mode right now so no screw ups. I do love him but the trust is not there. It will take time to get back and I just hope I have the patience to stick around. Sometimes I just don't know. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I had no idea porn addiction was so huge!

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Momoftwobabies- I can pretty much echo your sentiments exactly. I wish you and your husband the best in recovery. We are almost in the exact situation. I am sorry for anyone who has to go through this. It's really strange how much we need such horrible trials to grow. I have grown so much already with more love, patience, forgiveness and I know I have so much to improve on. It's interesting how we have to be at the depths in order to grow to our potential. Just wish it would be easier... But then again not much comes easily.

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Hi Everyone,

I know infidelity is inexcusable and no one at church would oppose me doing what I felt needed to be done for my own wellbeing. I just don't know what to do anymore. Is he really going to change this time? Do I have it in me to move on even if he does change? How can I rebuild after the worst damage I could even imagine? How can I let the Savior heal me?

So anyways I think everyone gets the story. I could blabber for days. I already did. I will be surprised if someone reads all of thi :) I am just so lost. I am going to the temple on Tuesday and hopefully I will receive some inspiration, healing, and clarity about where to go from here. Thanks for any advice and for listening.

My heart goes out to you. I am truly at a loss for words that may offer you some comfort. I hope you will find solace and peace while at the temple. I also hope the Spirit may be able to whisper some tokens of wisdom for these very trying times while there.

This is a very personal and quite painful situation. Only your Father in Heaven knows exactly what you must do going forward. You must be careful and not succum to your pain and despair but seek the Spirit thru fasting and prayer. Some counseling for YOU will also help you gain some perspective and help you explore your own thoughts and emotions at this time. It will also help you gain some professional insight into this very complex and deep rooted issue of pornography.

I wish we had a way to archive the threads by topic. This issue has been discussed at length in the forum before but I will share briefly some thoughts as I did previously with another poster.

Your husband has been struggling with this addiction likely for many years before you married him. It is an extremely pernicious and psychologically entrenched condition with a very high percentage of recidivism and relapse. Treatment and intervention also require radical environmental changes in employment, work hours, computer access and use, marital behavior and others. It is a very long and protracted battle with a guarded prognosis, at best.

All that said, ALL things are possible in the Lord. For your husband, this his Jericho. A monumental battle in which he will need all of his strength, commitment, himility and support if he is to overcome his addiction.

Only the Lord knows what is best for you at this junction. Seek Him with all your might and He will surely let you know what you are to do.

My prayers are with you.

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What can I say... I can empathise with you more than you know. I have been dealing with this in my home for the past 11 yrs.... pretty much the same story as yours. Except I have 5 children, so leaving is that much more difficult. My one advice to you, is think carefully before you have children in this situation. Now I'm not saying he'll be a bad father, but it is heartbreaking as a wife and a child to witness this addiction. I witnessed it with my father.... now my husband, and my son was exposed to it at the age of 5..... all I can say is that all hell broke loose, but it was'nt enough to get him to stop. I have a good friend who told me bout a book written about pornography and how to deal with it, esp you as the wife, can't remember the name, but I've heard it's an eye opener, so maybe check it out at the church book store. This morning in sarcrament one of the Stake pres asked to have a few min, he spoke about this very subject and how missionaries are getting involved in it. He told of one who's addition started at the age of 7, because his dad had mags he found.... children always find the things you hide.... At the end of the day, only you can make the decision, it takes alot of fasting and praying, but having support is something you can't go without. May I also say, your husband.... wants to do what he says, but sometimes his weakness is stronger than he is. One thing I have learned.... I won't be so judgemental on others and their weaknesses, it's not a fun thing to do. But only you know if you can hang in there or not, either way, it won't be easy....

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What?? Since when is it inexcusable. I excused my wife when she was unfaithfull to me and she did alot more then your husband did. Sad thing was she couldn't find it in her heart to forgive me for my weaknesses.

.:Post Register - Idaho Falls, ID:.

Here is a link to a series of articles done in my local paper on porn and sex addiction. Especially read the series called Dark Secret. It is a true story of a couple that I personally know. "Steve" has had a lot worse time with his addiction then many people I know including your husband. But notice how devoted and dedicated his wife is to him. It sounds like you want to be the same way. You can. I don't mean to let him walk all over you but I can promise that if you leave him it will compound the problem on his part and make it that much more difficult to over come. It did with me. Again though if he is just making excuses there is no need to put up with that. But from what you say it looks like he is sincere. Now being sincere doesn't mean he won't slip up again. You can't run because he slips up.

People don't understand but the addiction isn't about sex, that is just the chosen method of dealing with some kind of pain he is going through. Just like alcoholics drink to numb the pain. I am sure there are things that you do that bother him but he doesn't run. Sure sex addiction is way more devistating then the problems that you may have but remember that it is still just a problem that you two together can overcome.

She can't run?????? Hmmmm. Please explain to me why she shouldn't strive to keep herself safe anyway she feels she needs to if she has a H that isn't about to control himself or commit to recovery? I mean she isn't the one leaving the marriage here. And you know, we all have pain, but does that give us an excuse to invite call girls to our hotel rooms and participate in other demeaning and unholy activities? I absolutely think that such activities ARE inexcusable. I do, however, believe that they are forgivable. But forgiveness takes many forms and does not always include trust. When someone is out of control and participating in compulsive behaviors they don't have the right to take others down with them. And while marriage is an institution of commitment, it is not a place where behavior such as PA and all of its escalations should be tolerated. If she doesn't set some boundaries, who will? He certainly sounds sincere, doesn't he. But PA's tend to be very charismatic and convincing. So much so that they even convince themselves that "this" is the last time. But it rarely ever is. So Checker, I know you have been thru a lot, but no one deserves this kind of behavior in their marriage. And until he gets treatment and shows some serious progress, why should she let him back in her bed, her house, or her heart?????? It is crazy to me that we decide before we get married never to let anyone treat us this way. And then when someone does, we are told by some to sit there and take it because that is "loving". Well, if you ask me such things do nothing to help anyone in this situation move to health and healing. In the addiction world, we call this enabling and in the sweethearts club we call it settling!

I am sorry to be a little firm here, but I couldn't let that post stand without saying something.

Edited by Misshalfway
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She can't run?????? Hmmmm. Please explain to me why she shouldn't strive to keep herself safe anyway she feels she needs to if she has a H that isn't about to control himself or commit to recovery? I mean she isn't the one leaving the marriage here. And you know, we all have pain, but does that give us an excuse to invite call girls to our hotel rooms and participate in other demeaning and unholy activities? I absolutely think that such activities ARE inexcusable. I do, however, believe that they are forgivable. But forgiveness takes many forms and does not always include trust. When someone is out of control and participating in compulsive behaviors they don't have the right to take others down with them. And while marriage is an institution of commitment, it is not a place where behavior such as PA and all of its escalations should be tolerated. If she doesn't set some boundaries, who will? He certainly sounds sincere, doesn't he. But PA's tend to be very charismatic and convincing. So much so that they even convince themselves that "this" is the last time. But it rarely ever is. So Checker, I know you have been thru a lot, but no one deserves this kind of behavior in their marriage. And until he gets treatment and shows some serious progress, why should she let him back in her bed, her house, or her heart?????? It is crazy to me that we decide before we get married never to let anyone treat us this way. And then when someone does, we are told by some to sit there and take it because that is "loving". Well, if you ask me such things do nothing to help anyone in this situation move to health and healing. In the addiction world, we call this enabling and in the sweethearts club we call it settling!

Woah calm down there. I think you know me better then that. I am not advicating she stay with him at all costs. I am simply stating from my experience the other side of the story. No one can tell her what she needs to do. Only her conscience and the Lord will tell her. I guess the thing that bugs me is that when we are married we promise to stick through the good and the bad. It is my belief that addiction is a form of disease and you wouldn't walk away if your spouse got diabetes or cancer. Those diseases can be just as trying in different ways of course. The difference with addiction is that it can be overcome. So if he is showing signs of improvement then that is good. But what I meant was if he comes home one day and says I went to an inappropriate site today, I wouldn't say that is reason enough to leave. If he came home and said I just had sex with someone else then that is a different story. I realize that everyone's situations are different but I only have mine to draw from and in mine my wife was counciled through a blessing to "love your husband." She chose not to. And her decisions have not only effected her but our two kids.

The sad thing that I am seeing is that this problem is tearing families apart. I am not excusing the perpetrators of the addiction but at the same time I won't excuse the spouses that decide that eternity doesn't mean giving it their all when things get rocky here. Of course I in no way would judge someone that decided to leave a relationship for whatever reason, that simply isn't my job. She asked for advice so I gave her mine. She or you don't have to listen to me, but as I have sat and listened to hundreds of couples stories over the last year and a half I have noticed that the guys that had the higher success rates in overcoming this addiction were the ones who had their wives next to them saying, "I still love you and we can beat this thing together."

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I so hear you Checker. And I do know, at least a little of your story. Perhaps you know a little of mine. We sit on opposite sides of the same issue. I agree with the perspective that PA is a disease. But things like cancer don't cost people their recommends and their salvation. They don't violate their wives unknowingly or otherwise in the bedroom. They don't tell their wives that they are disgustingly ugly because she got pregnant or turn her heart insideout and backwards and forwards with lies and blame-shifting and betrayals. I will tell you how many wives I have met that have so much compassion and understanding. I can't say the same about the addicts. They are often so lost in their own pain and shame and guilt, that they fail to see the pain of the person they profess to love. Denial. It is a crazy painful thing.

I have so much compassion for the addicts -- at least the ones who recognize they have a problem and have the courage to seek help. What a nightmare of shame and lies! What a horrific thing to be involved in! My heart has broken more than once when I visit their side of this issue. But I have experienced this nightmare for 11 years and dealt directly with it for three and my H is remorseful and trying. It didn't save me from any of the pain or from losing so much of myself. So, please forgive me my defensiveness. It comes from a long trail of tears -- tears that exsist right along side the hope!

There are many ways to help an addict. Help is exactly what they need and you are right that having a supportive wife is a tremendous boon! But you forget that their are two people that need healing and support. And it is often the wives who support year after year, and then have to support themselves alone because their H's aren't emotionally available to repay the favor.

I found fault with your above post because there didn't seem to be much understanding for Katiekin's feelings. It felt like you were defending him and asking her to protect him. We women can be loving and supportive. But what do we do with our anger, frustration, and woundedness? They don't have the right to cause such incredible pain, and then play the victim card and make us feel bad for having absolutely normal reactions! I have said it before. They can start the fire, but they don't get to choose how long it burns or who it destroys!

PS. Oh, I forgot to mention that cancer doesn't give your spouse STD's and other such delights!

And my last thought is that if he will absolutely commit to recovery and demonstrate said commitment, then she can move to a place where she can support thru a relapse. But if such is followed by lie after lie and unkept promise after unkept promise, it can be the straw that breaks the camels back. And I think you know that too.

Edited by Misshalfway
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Misshalfway- Thanks for standing up for me! You are already my best friend! Great advice!

Checkerboy- I agree with a lot that you said. I think your last post was much more informative and helpful and explained your views better. I completely agree with what you and misshalfway have discussed. This issue is tough for everyone and we all have such strong feelings about it. I respect your advice and experience. I hope I didn't make you think otherwise. We are all going to be so much more refined because of all of our horrible trials. I wish you the best in mending you heart after your nightmare with your wife. I wish us all the best. Addicts and the abused alike.

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While I cannot claim to comprehend what it feels like to be crushed by a loved one enslaved by pornography, I have had my experiences in being destroyed by other types of moral transgressions within a marriage. I will say, this, however...

The advice in this thread could use a little boost of the Savior's limitless love and how he views both sinner and sinned-against. I'll leave it at that.

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my heart goes out to you...i can relate to a lot of what you've said, but i want to offer my answers to your questions: "how much more can i take?" "how many chances do i need to give?"

nobody can answer that for you...whatever your choice is, there are consequences, and the consequences of the choices you have in front of you are ALL difficult. i am sad to say that you are unfortunately caught in a no-win situation...i know that personally, because i've been stuck in a similar situation! i've decided to divorce, but i can tell you, it's definitely not the easy way out! it seemed clear-cut to me that staying with an abusive husband with a sexual addiction that he wouldn't admit to was slowly ruining ME and hurting my children, but it's not so clear to all the prying eyes and ready ears and tongues that want to make (and share) judgments about my decision

it is NOT easy to get divorced (it shouldn't be, really), but in my experience, there is little sympathy for women who make that choice. i think it's necessary to feel ABSOLUTELY sure about your decision, whatever it is, because there will be days that you feel you are utterly alone with the spirit alone as your comfort

of course, for me, i already felt that way...but now at least, i'm on a path that's leading toward peace and happiness

dear sister, you need to put your heart on the line in prayer with your heavenly father. if you are earnest, he will answer that prayer, and it is my experience that as you follow through on the decision you come to with the aid of the father, he will then be by your side as you see it through to the end

my thoughts and prayers are with you

b

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I understand what you are going through. I have been there. I guess the only thing I can say is, if your love for you husband and your marriage is worth saving, then stay and fight for it. Getting over an addition is not easy. There wil be many times that you will curl up in a ball and cry. You will be mad at yourself and you will be mad at your husband. There will be times when he will be doing so well, and times when he won't. Don't give up, if that is what you want. The end results is worth the pain, the fighting, the suffering and turmoil.

We have been doing great and no repeat offending for 5 years.

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