Dealing with Infidelity


katiekins
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I felt your pain as I was reading what you had posted. I know about being addicted to porn and acting out on those feelings. From 1987 to 2007 I was held captive in that addiction. I kept the secret during that entire time from my family. I was a member of the church from 1989 to 2001. Then I decided to have my name removed from the church records. After doing so, my problem exploded into one of the worst issues of my life. In June of 2007 I attended a family reunion and had made the choice to return to the church. I went through the church's 12 step program, had several meetings with the bishop, prayed regularly, and stopped viewing porn. I will admit i need to study the scriptures more than I do. On July 12th, 2008 I was rebaptized back into the church. I have not transgressed during this past year, although some of those feelings still come up at times. I know that Heavenly Father wants us all to return to his presence one day. I've chosen to strive to be with him again over the pleasure I got from my addiction.

I know you have serious trust issues regarding your husband. You said the spirit is whispering to you to hang in there with the relationship. Keep thinking about that. You mentioned about going to the temple this week. I hope being at the temple will also help you with the situation. It may take a long time to regain trust in your husband again. I hope this time he is truley repentant. It sounds like he is striving towards doing so. I encourage the both of to continue to be involved in the healing process of this problem. Continue seeing your bishop and maybe try counseling through lds family services. I'll keep the both of you in my prayers.

John

I also felt the pain as I read Katiekins post!

I was so glad to read a post of someone who has been through the trials of this addiction. She needs to know there is hope.

Katiekins -- you sound like such a wonderful person! Your husband is very lucky to have such a person in his life. My prayer for him is that he will be able to continue on the strait and narrow. You are on a hard path as well -- it will be hard to always know that what you are doing is the right thing. So many questions will arise (as they already have) and it will be hard to discern the answers coming from the Holy Spirit and that of Satan. Be careful, Satan knows how to decieve even us who think we can't be decieved. I worry that staying strong might be disguised as staying with your husband through thick and thin. I don't want to end on such a downer. Addiction (of any kind) is hard to beat, but it can be beaten. Both my children suffered with drug and alcohol addiction and have now (both) been clean for 5+ years.

Take care, love and prayers, Candace:bighug:

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Thank you Candace and cintiejoe! I really needed your support and advice. I am so glad that I joined this forum. So much great love and advice and I really felt your hug Candace! It made me smile. May all of us find our strength in the Lord and have the wisdom to follow his paths. Me especially :)

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This is a very delicate issue. I would not venture to offer beyond what I have already shared. Whatever the choice, she must be ready for a very long (3-5 years or more) and difficult road that also may lead to nowhere thru no fault of her own. Thus my position that ONLY the Lord knows what is best for her and she should gather ALL the facts, fast and pray earnestly since a significant part of her life depends on it.

My prayers are with her.

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Kaetkins: First let me offer you a big long bear hug and comfort for your soul. It seems to me that you are a journey that is testing your love, patience, and your marriage. It is your husbands challenge to overcome his demons and rebuild all of these. For your part, attending the temple and renewing your covenants will help nourish your spirit. I would suggest continuing this on a weekly basis if possible. Only those who attend, can identify with the feelings one obtains during Temple sessions and meditating afterwards in the Clestial room. I wish you well and sincerely hope your husband is able to overcome his additictions. With the help of God and the Holy Ghost all things are possible if one has the desire and fortitude to follow thru. May God Bless You and him in your Time of need.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I have a couple questions.

How did you first find out about this problem? How about the 2nd time with his hotel?

If you caught him somehow then he's very sorry he got caught. Probably no more than that. Words are easy I I guarantee I could say all the right things, but feel nothing.

If he does it again will you leave him? How about 2 more times? You have to answer those questions. It is possible he will never do it again, but it's more possible he will learn to hide it better next time as to not get caught.

If you can't deal with it if it happened again, I'd probably just leave now and cut your losses....IF you don't have kids. If you have kids then it adds a whole new level of trouble.

Why would he do this? If he believed the church and loved you as much as his words are, how could he do this? People like to use the word addiction too easily I think. It give everyone an easy out. There's usually something deeper than an addiction that would cause this IMO.

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I don't remember how I found out about all of it at first. I found out about the first time he actually cheated because I felt the spirit tell me something was wrong. We don't have kids, just a dog but he is like our kid. He has since been disfellowshipped and changing his habits. He reads his scriptures and prays everyday, something he never did regularly before. I know that I will leave him if he cheats again. I cannot and will not deal with that. Right now, I just don't know what to do. I have heard his stories so many times and had so many promises broken. I love him so much and everyone including my husband think that he loves me so much and that he is working to get out of this. He says he doesn't want anything to do with anyone and that I am the only one that matters to him. He says that he has never wanted anything from porn or other girls and he hates that he does this and that he will overcome it. I obviously don't believe anything he says because I have heard it all before just to be let down again. The porn issue has gone on and off for about 2 years. The hooker incident was once about 2 months ago. I am just really at a loss and seeking HF guidance. I have felt like I should stay before but I am scared to do anything. I am going to have an uphill battle either way. I don't want to leave, but I don't want to get screwed again. We used to have the perfect relationship and he agrees with that. I just don't know. I could go on forever...

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Katiekins,

I’m so sorry. Like other posters have said, this is a long and difficult path that you are on. Unfortunately, you have to hurt and struggle on behalf of another. I’m also in your situation. My husband has struggled with a porn addiction ever since he was 14 (of course, I didn’t find out about it until we were married for almost 15 years). Choosing to stay with him was a very difficult choice, but I love him and see value in him.

I’ve watched him struggle with this for over 6 years. It tears him up. He knows that what he’s doing is wrong and he knows that it is painful for me, but it really is an addiction and it’s stronger than any drug. He sincerely wants to stop.

If you decide to stay with him, make the commitment fully. I walled off a piece of my heart and that just made things worse. He started feeling unloved and he recently turned to an old friend to give him what he thought he wasn’t getting from me. Earlier this week, I discovered that he’s had an online emotional affair for the past 5 months. The affair was just another manifestation of whatever it is that compels him to view porn.

In the email that I sent to his “girlfriend” (yeah, I know it was passive/aggressive to confront her and not him) I told her that I am hurt and angry but I’m choosing to let go of my anger and live with my hurt.

I’m sorry to say that if you choose to stay, you will be choosing to live with hurt. Just know that he is hurting, too.

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To start off I am not pointing any fingers at anyone here but this thought just came to me. It would be very informative and eye opening if in a situation where addiction was involved, the two parties were able to view the situation from the others perspective. If the men could really see how devastating it was for the women and if the women could see what kind of struggle us men go through I think we each would have quite a bit more charity for the other. Don't judge someone else till you've walked a mile in their moccasins.

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When you put your heart into a relationship and that trust gets broken... it's not as simple as "walk a mile in their moccasins". Your complete trust and love is given to this other person, and then your heart is just shattered. Relationships and infidelity are ALWAYS emotionally charged, because love is an emotion. Can't make it objective...that's not what creates a relationship.

I don't think that infidelity in any way shape or form should be "allowable" or "acceptable". If you slip up, you pay the consequences and that is going to mean that your relationship is going to change in one way or another, or you're just gonna lose it. Addiction is tricky and not an easy thing to deal with but it doesn't mean that we should just sit around and say "well, he's addicted so it's ok". That's like looking at someone that beats their kids and saying "He can't help it and I haven't walked a mile in his shoes so I can't say anything about it." If you're the cheated party, you totally have the right to be angry.

I understand people all come from different circumstances but we all are held (in the LDS faith) to a standard and we make covenants WITH GOD. Don't you think God sees this as a mockery?? God will hold those people accountable and unless we confront the addicted and do everything we can to show them they need to change (and that their current situation is not acceptable)...I think that God will hold us accountable too.

Forgiveness is important, but it doesn't mean that the cheated can't be angry or hurt or allowed to deal with the situation how they please.

I know this is kinda stupid...

It would be a good business to hire a couple of lie detector consultants (especially here in UT) and advertise it in the papers and stuff. Have the person come to your home and test the addict like every other week or something until they get to the point where they stop lying. ...just another tool to help break the cycle maybe.

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To start off I am not pointing any fingers at anyone here but this thought just came to me. It would be very informative and eye opening if in a situation where addiction was involved, the two parties were able to view the situation from the others perspective. If the men could really see how devastating it was for the women and if the women could see what kind of struggle us men go through I think we each would have quite a bit more charity for the other. Don't judge someone else till you've walked a mile in their moccasins.

Haven't visited this thread for a while....

I just read this and was profoundly touched by it. Maybe because I know how hard it is to get there. Maybe it is because I am slowly learning what this means and how powerful it is. And maybe because I am feeling the fruit of this as my sweetie and I learn to love each other again.

There is something so powerful in truly listening to the other side. Something so powerful in feeling and truly empathizing with another's suffering and validating it! But I must admit, I think it is very hard to get there quickly. Hard for the addict who is often so blind to anyone else and who is perhaps unable to empathize. And then so very hard for the wife to see empathy when anger and woundness and betrayal cloud things.

I think it starts with loving ones self. Learning to empathize with ones self properly without excuse and victimhood, and to learn to look at ones self with true compassion. I think once we can love ourselves...it opens us or enables us to love and understand others. Maybe it is Christ who teaches us this. John 1 "We love him, because he first loved us." And maybe it is love lent to us by the Lord as we appeal to see how He sees and feel how He feels about our respective spouses.

Thanks Check. This one is a goodie!

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  • 1 month later...

The very same thing happened to our family just over a year ago.

(We've been married for 6 years).

My husband got involved in pornography when I was pregnant with our first child (7 months into our marriage) - I don't know if he ever stopped after that as I never 'caught' him in the act but I think he must have as he slept with a prostitute 2 months after our second child was born.

It's been about 18 months since that aweful day.

The interesting thing is that I don't dwell on what he did (yes, it does cross my mind) but I don't feel hatred, anger, resentment etc. I don't speak to him about it (we did that the first month and then I let it go - I want him to have the chance to put this behind him and be free of sin. I want to give him the opportunity to forgive himself) - he's in a lot of pain as a result of this and my heart aches because he is still a Son of The Father with potential to be an heir in the kingdom...

The problem is not so much what happened that night ... but rather, what happened after that night.

At first he felt remorse, fear of losing us, losing his membership etc.etc. all good things for someone on the repenance path but then he started longing and intiating sex in our marriage ... every time I pulled away ... he felt rejected and got angry (which resulted in temper, outbursts, insults, threats to get divorced - he does so on a daily basis (the threatening to leave part)

My heart longs for that person he use to be: the gentle, caring, sensitive, sweet and kind man.

I have lost every desire to be intimate, we have no relationship, no friendship, our only link is to our children.

Why am I still married to him?

Because of counsel from our leaders - bishop in particular, my belief that the Atonement can mend ALL things and wanting to be obedient to the covenants and promises we've made when we got sealed for time and all eternity.

It's an incredibly hard road to travel but, a part of me just can't give up on a sealed family.

I love my children - and if it wasn't for them ... I probably would have left already.

I wish there was any advice I could give you (and myself for that matter), I wish I could show you what to do ... how to make it work.

All I know is that living a gospel centered and righteous life ... remaining steadfast and immovable so that YOU can have the comfort of the Holy Ghost is what gets me through this...I am still a happy, peaceful person and believing person despite what the future holds.

Good luck katiekins ... my heart aches for you, I feel your pain and pray that you and I both (along with our families) can get through this.

*hug*

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  • 1 year later...

Thanks Misshalfway. My husband seems to be on the real repentance path this time. But I have been so blinded in the past that I don't want to get myself comforted into my beliefs about what is or is not happening.... I hope that made sense. His story does seem to have more feeling about it and seems to be so much more gospel centered. He seems to have realized that even if we can't stay together... which he always says would break his heart.... his salvation is at stake and is willing to live right not just for us but for him and God. But then again, how much can I believe and trust? His words are indeed meaningless and he knows that. But he is following it up with action now, it's just a matter of time to see how long that lasts. I do know that I will not stand for slipups anymore, especially not any infidelity in physical form and he knows his days with me are limited and on an extremely slippery slope. I haven't really thought about a therapist. We've been to LDS family services before. I don't have any money for it. I guess I could ask bishop. I am going to post this thread on our group too. Thanks for listening.

I am truly sorry you are going thru this challenge. I have read your post carefully. What I am about to say comes from many years of experience in these maters. Ultimately, you MUST gather as much information as you can about these issues, consult specialists and educate yourself thoroughly before you make a decision.

Since you have no family as of yet, you have time to determine what your next step will be. Pornography is a serious addiction. It deal with quite sophisticated and primal responses of the brain that are rooted deep in our developmental history. It is very likely that your husband has been struggling with this since he was a teen. So, there is nearly a decade of addiction, failed promises to himself, intervention and relapse. It is a well documented fact that pornography addiction can last decades and well until middle age. This has absolutely nothing to do with you and there is very little you can do, specifically, to curb his addiction. These are very intricate outlines of visual recall-ideation and arousal response that create a pattern of behavior that is extremely difficult to break.

It may sound like I am quite pessimistic. Well, I am just trying to be pragmatic and accurate. Difficult as it may be for you right now, a hard choice and a season of pain are always better than a life of misery and regrets. Your feelings can NOT cloud your intellect. So, this HAS to be a rational decision.

My prayers are with you.

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Katiekins, First off,let me say I am sorry you are going through this.You seem like you are very strong.I think if it were my hubby,I would tell him on top of meeting with the Bishop,and a program,that another thing would be going to marriage counseling with a counselor of Your choice,not his,yours.Let him know just how strong your feelings on this is,let him know how hurt you are,that it could hurt your family life and church standing too.It just may be what he needs to hear to help both of you through this.

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My response to a woman searching for eternal healing

Due to her husbands vice of pornography and the turmoil they're feeling

For you:

I would say "stay"- unless you lose your mental health

Family, as a progressive treasure, is our greatest wealth

I would say "go"- but beware of what cankers the soul

And the need to stay clean yourself...that your children heal whole

For him:

Imagine your daughter grown up and living rebellious

Sharing her body... is repentance worth it? I say "YES!"

Imagine your fine son growing almost to a man

And patterning after you... what would you have at his hand?

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