IntoGod33 Posted July 31, 2008 Report Share Posted July 31, 2008 Hi Everyone! My boyfriend and I are getting married in March. Because we are the only members in our families who are LDS, we will be having a ceremony presided over by our bishop and a reception. My parents were never happy about me joining this church, but over time, they have accepted it and now they are very supportive. They have, however, made it clear that they have no intentions to join. The only thing that they both asked of me is that I have a wedding where all of my family could attend. Where I come from (Cuban family), weddings are huge! Because I am their only daughter, they both want to give me a beautiful wedding and throw me a big party. I have no complaints! I am really, really looking forward to it because my family is huge and so is my boyfriend's and I know it's going to be the best night of my life. Here is the problem.... My parents are paying for the entire wedding. So far, wedding planning has been soooo much fun, but yesterday my mom and I got into it over the issue of alcohol. My boyfriend and I do not drink, of course, but the rest of my family does. I want to make one thing clear so that I don't make them look bad - I have never, ever seen anyone in my family drunk. They are not heavy drinkers at all. They do, however, enjoy drinking at family gatherings and events. My dad is actually a member of a wine tasting club. My mom had this bewildered look on her face when I said no alcohol, and she told me that I didn't have to pay for it or drinking, so I'm not doing anything wrong. She also pointed out that there will be no morte than 15-20 guests who are Mormon, and about 180 that are not (the rest are Catholic). My mom has done such a turn around in regards to my baptism. She has been so supported, and has defended me before anyone who has dared to badmouth the church in front of her. Should I just give in? I really don't mind having it there because I'm used to it - I mean, I have a 5-foot-tall wine cooler in my house that is always full! However, I am worrieed that my bishop or my other LDS guests will be upset or offended. Help! P.S. I'm very sorry for the extremely long post! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IntoGod33 Posted July 31, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2008 Ok...I just reread my post and I noticed all the typos. Sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hemidakota Posted July 31, 2008 Report Share Posted July 31, 2008 Joseph Smith had typos and so do I...I never make a point to fret over someone else's grammar or spelling. :) I would not be upset as your guest and I would not expect the Bishop would either. However, at what point are you planning for a temple marriage? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gomspal Posted July 31, 2008 Report Share Posted July 31, 2008 IntoGod, I know it is hard for you because it involves families that you truly love and you want them to share your happiness with them. Would it be too much to tell them that this is your wedding and that you want everybody to share your happiness with them in a sober manner? I know they will probably look at it as something about the Church controlling you or the bishop and members influencing you. However you decide to do it, with or without alcohol, will it make you happy? We are all about doing the right thing, as for me, the right thing to do is not to have alcohol, but that is just me. The final words will be coming from you. Good luck and congratulations on your wedding day! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gomspal Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 · Hidden Hidden IntoGod, I know it is hard for you because it involves families that you truly love and you want to share your happiness with them. Would it be too much to tell them that this is your wedding and that you want everybody to share your happiness with them in a sober manner? I know they will probably look at it as something about the Church controlling you or the bishop and members influencing you. However you decide to do it, with or without alcohol, will it make you happy? We are all about doing the right thing, as for me, the right thing to do is not to have alcohol, but that is just me. The final words will be coming from you. Good luck and congratulations on your wedding day! Link to comment
RachelleDrew Posted July 31, 2008 Report Share Posted July 31, 2008 If I were a guest I wouldn't be offended, unless I saw you and your new husband drinking it of course. Lol. Personally? I would ask your parents once more in a sincere and direct manner, "mom, dad can we please not have alcohol at the wedding? It would mean a lot to me to not have something that makes me uncomfortable there." If they still insist, then whatever. I wouldn't fret about it personally. Just make sure to forewarn your Mormon guests that your parents will be serving alcohol, just in case it's offensive to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IntoGod33 Posted July 31, 2008 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2008 In response to Hemidakota... We will be getting sealed in the temple a month after the civil ceremony/reception. I was just baptized recently so my bishop told me that I had to wait one year before I could enter the temple. We are both very excited about that! If it was completely up to me...I'd say no alcohol and I wouldn't care about any complaints that people may make (although I don't anticipate any from my family as they have accepted my beliefs). My problem is, my mom is basically saying, "I'm paying so we're going to have alcohol, you don't have to drink any." She didn't say it in those words, but that's the main idea. One of my church friends told me that maybe I should compromise. She said I should suggest maybe serving one signature drink that everyone likes and that's it. No open bar. I am so torn! I feel like I'd still be doing something wrong by allowing it. At the same time, however, my parents have been so generous and they are excited and happy that they have the means to give me such a great wedding. I kindof feel bad fighting with my mom about it since I haven't even spent a penny (she won't let me, I've tried). I don't know, I guess it's a good one to pray about! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenamarie Posted July 31, 2008 Report Share Posted July 31, 2008 One thing that has always bugged me about parents' paying for weddings is that they feel that automatically gives them the right to any 'say' in what happens at the wedding. If they are truely doing this to celebrate YOU and to make YOUR day special, then they should be willing to do whatever it takes (within budget ) to make it the best possible celebration for YOU. If you are uncomfortable with alcohol, and feel it would put a damper on your enjoyment of the celebrations, then don't have it at your wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
utcowboy Posted July 31, 2008 Report Share Posted July 31, 2008 The choice should ultimately be yours but when your family you may have to find some middle ground. I've been blessed to travel a little bit and I think the only Mormons that would be offended by seeing alcohol is a pure bred Utah Mormon lol j/k Do what you feel is right, but remember to always show the respect that your parents deserve. Best wishes on your wedding day :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwen Posted July 31, 2008 Report Share Posted July 31, 2008 if you and your boyfriend really don't mind it being present and all the family is a social drinking thing not getting drunk and acting stupid to ruin your day then why not put a time limit. i'm assuming it's not at the chapel. i can understand not wanting your non drinking friends to be uncomfortable. so what about a time limit to it? sounds like they are doing a huge deal and it will be a long reception. make the first hour or whatever no drinking, that gives time for the members to enjoy, celebrate and leave, then when it's just family let them have what you feel is appropraite. you also don't have to stay long after the drinking starts. i know several couples that had all the "important" stuff right away at the rectption and then left. told friends and family, yall enjoy the food and party, bye. the party went on without them. lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
funkymonkey Posted August 1, 2008 Report Share Posted August 1, 2008 Yay! Congrats on your wedding! I (probably like a bunch of other people) had a pretty wierd wedding. Not a thing in it was my first choice...not even the location! I have a very strong-minded mother-in-law and mother. I tried to stand up for what I wanted at my wedding and it just turned into spats with my "moms". But I wondered what was more important...the wedding itself? Or the relationships with my family and family to be? Needless to say I didn't exactly want to deal with having to hear about it for the rest of my life (they both have memories like elephants). So I just let them do whatever they wanted and I actually laughed at a few of the things that ended up in the wedding. And yes alcohol was at the reception. But on the wedding day I could have cared less... all I cared about was that I was there and my husband was there. And yes, it was the best day of my life! So I guess what I'm trying to say is, maybe keeping your relationships with your family should be a priority. I really don't think God would frown in anyway about that. Take a little, give a little. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IntoGod33 Posted August 1, 2008 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2008 Thank you all for the wonderful advice! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FayetteIA Posted August 1, 2008 Report Share Posted August 1, 2008 I would try one more time to request my parents not serve alcohol but if the refues..I would go to my church member friends and explain the situation. Most members are not going to jusge you, like someone said as long as you are not drinking too. You do not want to throw out the baby with the bath water here..create and estrangement with your parents. I am saying talk to them..see if you can reach a comprimise. Oh yeah you need to talk to your Bishop again..Yes it is true that with membership in good standing you can go to the temple one year after baptism. However, if you get married civily, you also have to wait one year. I would imagine if you are not going to be married in the temple, you will have to wait until you have been civily married one year. Joni Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moksha Posted August 1, 2008 Report Share Posted August 1, 2008 It is a Mormon custom not to have alcohol, and yet the vast majority of the guests are not Mormon and your non-Mormon parents are footing the bill and alcoholic beverages being present is the cultural norm for them. I would say let them have their wine and just make sure there are plenty of non-alcoholic wine bottles (as well as soft drinks) for the 20 or so Mormon guests. About your Bishop: I have been to functions in which alcohol was served and the Mormons present did not imbibe, but were still gracious and nonjudgmental. It can work. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningStar Posted August 2, 2008 Report Share Posted August 2, 2008 How frustrating. It's pretty lame to offer to pay for something and then hang it over your head when you don't want something they want. My Irish friend's dad did the same thing and she said, "Then I don't want you to pay for it. If you want to pay for my wedding, pay for MY wedding." A friend of mine asked me if I was going to serve alcohol at my reception. I asked her, "Would a Jewish person serve bacon at their reception?" The point was taken. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LolaBella Posted August 7, 2008 Report Share Posted August 7, 2008 Joseph Smith had typos and so do I...I never make a point to fret over someone else's grammar or spelling. :)I would not be upset as your guest and I would not expect the Bishop would either. However, at what point are you planning for a temple marriage?I was just wondering what this had to wtih the alcohol issue??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MorningStar Posted August 7, 2008 Report Share Posted August 7, 2008 I was just wondering what this had to wtih the alcohol issue??? He was just responding to this:Ok...I just reread my post and I noticed all the typos. Sorry! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LolaBella Posted August 7, 2008 Report Share Posted August 7, 2008 He was just responding to this:no i meant what has if or when they were getting sealed have anything to do with the alcohol issue?? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest bren1975 Posted August 7, 2008 Report Share Posted August 7, 2008 I agree with the others here. If your parents are firm on the alcohol issue, I'd let it go. Save the relationship. Your parents sound very understanding, but you can't expect them to accept more than they are ready for. If I were you, I'd just be the most loving and grateful daughter, and respect my parent's wishes. This will show them best about loving others, understanding differences, and all the many ways the gospel has enhanced your life. Happy wedding! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maureen Posted August 7, 2008 Report Share Posted August 7, 2008 My advice would be to let your Mom have her way with a tweek - someone suggested you could set a time when alcohol could be consumed. I would suggest make sure each table has wine and one non-alcoholic beverage on it for the toasts; and then the bar can open when the dancing starts. You could have non-alcoholic punch available for everyone prior to the bar opening. That way you kinda have a say about alcohol at your wedding. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pam Posted August 7, 2008 Report Share Posted August 7, 2008 I was just wondering what this had to wtih the alcohol issue??? Does it really matter and your comment sounds a bit defensive. Though why I don't know since the issue isn't yours anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maureen Posted August 8, 2008 Report Share Posted August 8, 2008 (edited) I was just wondering what this had to wtih the alcohol issue??? Actually Hemi did mention that he suspects the LDS guests would not be upset about the alcohol, so not to worry. And then as a side note curiousity, asks about the Temple - two separate things entirely. Edited August 8, 2008 by Maureen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BenRaines Posted August 8, 2008 Report Share Posted August 8, 2008 I read through all the responses and this would be mine. If I were paying for the wedding then no alcohol. I have been LDS since 16 and am now 54 and never drank alcohol. If my son were marrying an LDS girl in a civil ceremony and her parents were footing the bill and it was her reception then do as she and her mother wish. Since brides famly is footing the bill and the majority are non LDS then have alcohol. I served my mission in Florida, Miami. Most Cubans do not just drink wine. A wedding celebration would be rum and rum and coca-cola. Enjoy the wedding day with family and friends and then prepare for your special day in the temple a month later. I have never been offended to attend a wedding with alcohol served. Oh well there was that one time where I had to arrest the groom for being drunk in public and getting in a fight and then the bride for assault on a police officer for arresting the groom. Imagine that story. So where did you spend your honeymoon. Looked up in the drunk tank in separate cells. LOL Ben Raines Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Palerider Posted August 8, 2008 Report Share Posted August 8, 2008 While serving as a Bishop I was asked to officiate a wedding that was being held outdoors at a club. When I arrived they were still setting some things up. First I need to say, this was a wedding for someone who did not always attend church. While sitting there I noticed this person that I am talking about was bringing in a keg of beer. I sat there and watched them hook it up and get it ready. He looked at me and said...this is a little something for our non LDS friends....I replied...."Is that right"....I did notice after the wedding when the reception started the line was long at the kegger....and he was in line also....LOL!!!!!............I always laugh at that when I think about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celica Posted August 8, 2008 Report Share Posted August 8, 2008 I just got married a few months ago, and i did have LDS at my wedding. What i did was i had a bottle of apple cider on the table along with a bottle of wine. That way everyone was happy. Worked out good for me! :0) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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