When Forgiveness if Really, Really Hard


MorningStar
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Yesterday I saw an old friend of mine who used to be in my ward and she sobbed, telling me how her oldest son doesn't want to go to church anymore after being falsely accused of raping the daughter of a family they took into their home while the parents were split-up. The daughter has a long history of lying and years ago one friend told me he asked the Primary to make sure he was never alone with her in his class because he was afraid he would be falsely accused, so this came as no surprise to people who are familiar with her. The boy was taken to court and the judge was disgusted it got that far. On her bedding his DNA was no where to be found. They founds hers, the mom's who took her in (because she washes the laundry), her sister, and her father. It became very apparent that her father had been doing something very wrong (I won't go into detail here), so most likely the girl was abused, but it was by her dad. Now her mom is remarried and she has already accused her step-dad of abusing her. But the poor boy's reputation has been tarnished and some people will always have that doubt that he actually did what he was accused of. :( He used to be so happy and before I knew what happened, I could tell he was going through a hard time. He just didn't have that glow about him anymore.

Anyway, his mom is having a terrible time forgiving the family and the girl and she doesn't know how to get over it. I didn't know what to say to her. I know I would be very upset if my son's reputation was destroyed. :( I did tell her though about a friend who was ripped off by her nephew when he convinced her he could make her retirement grow after her husband died and he lost everything. His company actually told her she should sue, but she couldn't bring herself to do it and send her nephew to jail, but she is so angry. She's in her 70's, she's been working two jobs, and she has no idea how she will ever retire. She said that is the biggest challenge she has ever had in forgiving someone and still hasn't forgiven him. I would be hard having that reminder every single day.

I don't find forgiving the little things that hard, but the big ones - how the heck do people do it? I don't feel like I've experienced anything like these women have and don't know how I would manage. I know I would need the help of God, that's for sure.

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I, the Lord, will forgive whom I will forgive, but of you it is required to forgive all men

The greatest thing about that scripture is that it says nothing of timing. We may be required to forgive all men, but we may not have it in us to do it right away. That's fine.

If you can't forgive them now, then you probably are lacking either the emotional or spiritual strength to forgive. But if you set aside the problem and essentially ignore it for a while, you can work on other, smaller issues that you can improve in yourself. Eventually, as time passes and you make these other, smaller improvements, you're likely to find the emotional and spiritual strength to forgive these major trespasses.

I think one of April's conference talks was in the same vein, but I'm too lazy to look it up right now.

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Hello Morningstar,

Yes, forgiveness of that things that have such a huge impact on our lives and the lives of our families is very difficult. I am in that spot as well and all I want is for the person who wronged us to take responsibility but after 4 years I can see that I don't need that so much anymore. As a family we know the truth about him no matter what he represents to other people. I still don't want to sit down and break bread with him but I think that is okay. We don't have to give our power away by letting another come into our minds and affect our lives EVERYDAY. I have decided that his dishonesty will remain with him the rest of his life (or until he makes it right with those he has wronged) and it isn't up to me to make him face this truth.

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I think my friend who was ripped off by her nephew actually would've had an easier time forgiving him if she had given him some consequences. She has to live with the struggle every day of not having the money she needs and not being able to retire, even after having a bad fall and a heart attack. And every minute she knows she is in that position because of him. Of course, he wouldn't have been her favorite person, but she would've had what she needed if she had pressed charges and sued to get her money back.

With my first friend, I think she wants to shout from the housetops that her son was cleared of all wrong doing, but she doesn't really have a way to go about it and tends to tell people one on one. Because of the accusations, her son was asked not to particpate in passing the sacrament for a while just because it upset people to think that he might have done that. I think that was wrong. People don't know the outcome of the court proceedings and I think it would be nice if the Stake Pres. would write a letter to clear his name or something. I don't know if that would help my friend or not.

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unfortunately you can't undo such accusations. if it were me I'd probably move somewhere no one would know so my son could start over. unfortunately may take that.

As unfair and inconvenient as that may be, I agree. It would give him a fresh start...with no one wondering if he did or didn't. I bet he would feel much better not having to live under that cloud of suspicion constantly.

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I don't know how one works thru such anger and hurt!! Perhaps it is ok for this mother to be angry for a while. Sometimes it is just like a fire that needs to burn itself out. I am still trying to figure out my own feelings on so many issues and I know how hard it is to jump to light speed on these difficult issues. I think that our Father is patient. He knows we need time to get to forgiveness....and I think that he gives us the time we need to process our trauma's and then I think he opens up places in us of forgiveness when the time is right. Forgiveness is after all one of His many gifts.

If I were your friend, I would want someone to empathize with me....and to listen even when my feelings didn't match my ideals. I would want someone to speak truth to me.....and to follow the Spirit in doing so. More than anything, I would want someone to validate me and to stand by me and to believe the truth.

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unfortunately you can't undo such accusations. if it were me i'd probably move somewhere no one would know so my son could start over. unfortunately may take that.

Not everyone is in a position to pick up and move. Housing, job, education, and the effect on siblings must be considered. Moving may well not be an option.

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Not everyone is in a position to pick up and move. Housing, job, education, and the effect on siblings must be considered. Moving may well not be an option.

yes it would be harder for some than others. and i really don't know what i would do till i've been there. but i know it would never be compleatly not an option, no matter how hard. i know for a fact that if certian things were to happen to my kids i could make the world stop turning for a lot of ppl.
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I don't know if it would be possible for her to move. She's a single mom of four kids and quite poor, but I agree it would be a good idea. She's a convert too though and I know it would be hard to leave the people who brought her to the church and fellowshipped her. I'm amazed that she kept coming through all this.

A family in our ward moved out of state after their boys were sexually abused by their coach and confronted him in court. It was on the news here, so after that they decided moving was best. I hear the boys are doing better, but they have a very hard time trusting men, so going to Young Men's is an issue with them.

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The sad part of this is, that even though abuse is taken well care of, there are enormosly many accusitions that are false all together or partly. Often also rest of the family/ies needs help not only the victim and the offender. And in many cases everyone who hears about an abuse case close should be consulted or they will only spread panic. Panic is ok if the person who did something is not repending, but if the personis repending he most probably wont do that ever again.

It was stupid of the bishop to not allow him to deal with sacrament! Instead he should ahve shown everyone their place and the truth by letting him deal the sacrament. Maybe he should have confronted the whole ward, but doing what he did he only pleased the "audience" and kind of secured that he WAS quilty for something! Now he probably will always ahve the shade of doubt on him the rest of his life! It is sad but true! This kind of thing dont were off!! People dont care if he was innocent or not, he will always be under a microscope. People have paniced and want to secure their kids.

It is sad but the real danger often hits from an unexpected direction. I hope they wont get back to him one day as they find out someone else has been abused.... The girls and also the authories that put words in victims or testifyers mouth can really mess up lifes of many by beeing blinded by revance and " victims best"

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It was stupid of the bishop to not allow him to deal with sacrament!

You cannot possibly know this. The bishop may well have been inspired to keep this young man from passing sacrament, even if he was worthy. Making a summary judgment against a bishop you've never met in a case you know almost nothing about is not wise.

This kind of thing dont were off!! People dont care if he was innocent or not, he will always be under a microscope. People have paniced and want to secure their kids.

On the contrary, I bet most of his fellow ward members know exactly what was going on. Such news doesn't stay secret, and those who know the young girl who lied probably suspected her of lying from the start. Such people gain a reputation early.

I appreciate your emotion toward the unfairness of the situation for this young man, and in fact I feel the same way. But blaming the bishop is nonsense, and I doubt even our feminist-influenced man-hating culture will forever condemn a boy for an allegation proved false.

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This situation was difficult because the accuser is in my ward and the accused used to be in my ward but moved into a different ward in our building, so I don't think they got as much support from their new ward as they would have from ours. She said the bishop decided not to have him pass the sacrament because there were so many people upset that a possible rapist was doing so. The mom did get a lot of support from the Stake Pres. though, so I don't know how long they told him he wouldn't participate. My friend told me she had this weird dream about Joseph Smith the night before she spoke to the Stake Pres. and when she mentioned it, he said he had had the same dream. That's how he knew to believe her. I think it revolved around the rumor that were spread about him in his life.

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This situation was difficult because the accuser is in my ward and the accused used to be in my ward but moved into a different ward in our building, so I don't think they got as much support from their new ward as they would have from ours. She said the bishop decided not to have him pass the sacrament because there were so many people upset that a possible rapist was doing so. The mom did get a lot of support from the Stake Pres. though, so I don't know how long they told him he wouldn't participate. My friend told me she had this weird dream about Joseph Smith the night before she spoke to the Stake Pres. and when she mentioned it, he said he had had the same dream. That's how he knew to believe her. I think it revolved around the rumor that were spread about him in his life.

Did the bishop negotiate this "banning him from priesthood" solution with the family? Or did he just inform them. I think it would have been different if they had nobly opted out rather than to have been given and undeserved punishment.

Having said that, I understand the fear. Perhaps it is better, from a bishops perspective, to be safe rather than sorry. But passing the sacrament???? What harm would come to anyone? And if indeed these charges are false, what is this bishop doing to fight for truth???

And you say these people would get more support in your ward??? So which ward is spreading all the rumorage and getting angry enough to pressure the bishop? Is it this new bishop that is banning him from passing? And if the SP was so supportive.....why was he not intervening here??? Who in this ward is being supportive -- I mean besides you??

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I don't think having him pass the sacrament and being open to a situation where people refused to take it would have been a good thing. I don't think that experience would have been less painful.

Sadly, there are always some people who will believe the worst no matter how innocent a person is. We cannot know what experiences they have had in the past that make such things difficult.

The rumour never goes away...innocent or believed innocent by almost everyone without a shred of doubt and no matter how high support is and even proved beyond all doubt. This is true of any allegation of abuse towards children...whether the accused be male or female...whatever the nature of the alleged abuse is...perhaps because children are so vunerable and the desire to protect is so great.

It is an inevitable aspect of working with children and hard to deal with. I pass it off as a lesser evil than to allow a greater evil...as much as I deplore what it does to people who are innocent and how it shatters lives..at least this is how I deal with it personally because it is so frequent and I have to deal with it or not work with children at all...from saying goodmorning in the wrong tone?... to not smiling enough?...they are children and it's worrying to think what has happened to them that makes such allegations happen. There's always a reason.

Though such a severe allegation would be very difficult to come to terms with. A friend of mine once grabbed a child from the road because there was an oncoming car and there was a bruise. I saw the car. It was a close thing. That didn't matter. Process was followed. It is a very hurtful thing. But the child did not see the car. The other children did. The child didn't believe it was so. Not even if everyone saw what happened. She saved a life, I thought it was heroic and then to undergo that for months of investigations...but you cannot make any other choice than to do what is right...even if the wrong things happen. No one ever apologised when her name was cleared. The family continued to treat her as an abuser and so did others. No doubt the rumour still comes up. It never goes away.

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  • 10 years later...

Update for those who remember this thread from the age of the dinosaurs:

I had a first-person, 50-yard-line seat to this particular drama when it happened, though I was reluctant to admit that at the time because I thought that Morningstar didn't want me to spill the beans that we knew each other and were in the same ward. (She did that herself later on.)

Ten years later, I can affirm that the whole sordid situation had devastating consequences for all involved. Most of the ward knew what was going on, and the majority quietly sided with the accused young man, a recent convert with his (African-American) family consisting of his mid-30s mother, himself, and three siblings. I was particularly close to the family, especially the accused, who was my oldest son's age and a pretty good friend of his. The ward majority who sided with the accused party also tried to maintain loving relations with the family of the eight-year-old female accuser, who were themselves suffering from trauma that would shortly break the family apart.

Fallout from this nightmare included the breakup of the accuser's parent's marriage, outside and internal accusations of sexual abuse of the accuser by her father and/or brothers, the declaration some years later of one brother that he's homosexual, the death of the accused boy's mother before the age of 40 (not directly related to this particular ugliness, but still heart-wrenching), and the subsequent almost complete inactivity of her four children, including the falsely accused young man. I'm still FB friends with the oldest daughter, who seems to be doing well. Wish I knew what was going on with them all.

The other family broke up and the individuals picked up the pieces and moved on. The little girl who made the accusation must be about 18 by now. I wonder how she is doing. Both parents remarried; I'm FB friends with the father, but I'm never on FB any more, and we weren't really buddies anyway.

I'm left with wistful "what-if"s and not a few regrets about what happened and how I acted toward these families, both in this horrific situation and just in general. Until such a time as God gives me the ability to travel backward through my life and undo certain well-meant but unwise choices and actions that proved to be less than helpful, all I can do is learn whatever lessons I can glean and try to move on.

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11 hours ago, classylady said:

Such a sad experience. I’m so grateful for the atonement. Some day this will all be resolved by our loving Savior.

The Savior has already solved it - it is now up to us all to realized that is has been solved and that we can move on.

 

The Traveler

Edited by Traveler
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