Inactivity In The Church?

[BenRaines]

The way I keep people from being ignored is I don't ignore them. Every Sunday I look for people I have not seen at church before. I go up and introduce myself and visit for just a minute. We have a large ward with a little over 300 in attendance each Sunday but I am there early each Sunday and can see new people as they arrive.

Ben Raines

[Rico]

I believe it is more about personal attitude than it is about the ward you find yourself in. Now there are exceptions to that belief but not the rule.

Maybe, maybe not. I am in a great ward. Don't think we have very many perfect people in our ward, but we are all on a journey together. The thing that impresses me the most about our ward is that even though they are imperfect, they are trying to be better people. I feel right at home in the ward.

In fact, our ward is great, but I am willing to bet that it is pretty common. I think most every ward is filled with imperfect people who are doing their best to serve Heavenly Father, build up Zion, live righteous lives. It's easy to find fault in them, but it sure is more uplifting to see the good that they are trying to do.

[Misshalfway]

Reminds me of the story where a Bishop gets a call from two new families moving in to his ward. Both wanted to know how the ward was. The first family said that the ward they had come from was not very friendly, there was a lot of back biting going on and gossip and that the people were not very friendly. The Bishop said "Well that is probably how you will find our ward too."

When he asked the second couple the same question their was response was. This ward is very friendly, we have lots of friends, everyone pitches in and we will miss the ward a lot. Bishop said "That is how you will find our ward too.

I believe it is more about personal attitude than it is about the ward you find yourself in. Now there are exceptions to that belief but not the rule.

Ben Raines

There is no doubt in my mind that attitude can help improve any situation, but I do think that sometimes we "fit" with certain groups and sometimes we don't. I think it is absolutely normal for two people to interact in the same group and come away feeling in or ex - cluded. Perhaps it was the inclusive group who were happy and helping some but who were also talking pourly about the others. I can't know. I just say to make the point.

I wanted to say too, that wards I think, are designed to be like families. I think in an ideal space they are there for our up times and there to help us if we stumble. Sometimes in life it is easy to maintain a wonderful attitude and to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But sometimes we don't and sometimes circumstances happen that do hit home and do hurt and having a good attitude isn't as much of a solace as an apology and and a friendly hand. I guess I wonder sometimes as I see our wards function. How do we treat our neighbor when they aren't able to maintain the perfect reactions? Do we look deeper and extend ourselves to empathize with anothers struggles? Or do we backbite and exclude and overlook?? Sometimes I think our wards are like fair weather friends.

[BenRaines]

I agree Rico that we are all a bunch of imperfect people working towards our own perfection. I have always thought of that as an individual journey. I know I can not control how other act or feel but only how I act and feel. Let us all press on.

Ben Raines

[RainofGold]

Kona0197, I can relate to what you are going through. I was baptized with my whole family in a very small ward, if felt like home to me. I went there for more than ten years. Than I got married and moved to a different city and a big ward. I felt everyone there was cold and I felt lost and uncomfortable. Especially because I was going there with just my two little kids, (my husband became inactive after just six months of being a member).

I felt that my faith was being put to the test, many times I drove for an hour just to go to my old ward and be with my family. I prayed so that I could feel the same spirit and warmth in my new ward. It took a few challenging months for me to finally make friends and feel comfortable there. I feel my testimony and my faith are stronger than before and I'm thankful now for being part of my new ward...

Edited August 18, 2008 by RainofGold

[Elphaba]

He's the one telling you that the false information about the Church is true. If you are choosing to believe Satan over the prophets of the Church then it seems to me like you are sinning.

I am sorry I am so blunt, but when I was investigating the Church, I took a look at all that false information as well. I prayed about it and knew that the Church and the prophets are true. If I believe that they are true, then the false information has to be just that, false and it shouldn't be entertained.

How do you know what information she is talking about. How do you know it is false information?

In my experience, many members believe some of these truths are myths, when they are not.

Dismissing her experience regarding the issues she has discovered, especially when you don't know what they are, is, I assume, exactly the problem she's trying to convey. No one had told her about them, so when she discovered they were true, it caused a huge problem for her.

IMO, many members do leave the Church because of these difficult truths. I've always believed it would be better if the Church were to teach its members about these "truths," rathern than for them to learn about them online.

One reason is because online sources can be notoriously unreliable, with no context or comprehensive understanding.

Another reason is sites that do present the information correctly are labeled "anti-Mormon," when they are not. So when a member goes to such a site, and discovers it does contain difficult truths, the member feels defrauded, like the poster said.

Again, IMO, dismissing her experience by saying it is of Satan, does not help. Acknowledging the information, discussing it, and discovering how the comprehensive picture brings it into focus is what members like the poster need.

Elphaba

[MarginOfError]

First, let me reaffirm what Elphs just said. Perhaps I'll say more when I get to work.

[hordak]

I left as a teen because the church didn't fit in with my lifestyle, word of wisdom,no piercings etc.

Came back for my kids but one day from being inactive.Having young kids turns church into work. Getting up early on Sundays so i can chase the kids around the church halls on and off for 3 hours seems like a waste.

Plus we have a lot of Born LDS members who seem to forget that not everyone was.They give the wife dirty looks because of her tattoos.Ironically if she wanted to hide them at church she would have to wear pants, and a tee shirt.

[TheChad]

Its too bad that many of us end up being offended by each other. Whenever something like that happens to me or I see it happen to other people around me I do what I can to make sure I am supportive and friendly and don't end up doing the same thing.

Even though it can be difficult when people offend, aren't friendly, or even judge, I remind myself that it has nothing to do with the most important reason I am there. I am there to strengthen my personal relationship with the savior and to partake of the sacrament.

My second priority is to do what I can to fellowship and be accepting of everyone to try to make sure that I am doing what I can to make sure that others feel accepted and that they aren't being judged, etc...

When I focus on those priorities I seem to have a lot less time to think/worry about what other people think and say about me, and honestly it doesn't really matter anyways...

I won't get into the other reason's people may leave the church or become less active. I just wanted to share my opinion on being less active due to not feeling accepted or being offended since that has been something I have dealt within my own family and past.

[lilered]

We are a loving people and sometimes come across as cliquesish. We are a covenant people, which is misunderstood by some as too stringent. We try to live the W of W, the world around us does not. The entire Sunday is a day of worship, to the outside world it is a day of recreation or a day off. Activity in the church is often measured by amount of time we spend teaching, visiting, contacting, or caring for others. Other churches take only 1 hour per week. The LDS church is a church of participation, for some it definently is overwhelming. We believe in service for others which translates to giving of ones time. Many have difficulty givin of their time to others, after working all week, they want to rest.This too is overwelming.

Bottom line it is a life changing expierence and a new way of life. Let's face it, being a member of this church is not easy at times.

Edited August 18, 2008 by lilered

[mnn727]

I take Jesus more seriously now, and the Church less seriously--and paradoxically that enables me to remain with the Church.

You've really hit on something here. Sometimes I think some people miss sight of the fact that Church and everything about it is supposed to bring us closer to Christ and following His teachings. Church is just one vehicle, Christ is the destination, there are a lot of vehicles we need to use besides Church to bring us to Christ: prayer, scripture study, selfless service to others, etc.

If we just go to Church and do nothing else, we're not going to make it.

[mnn727]

4. I kept hearoing all this stuff about the church that at first I refused to believe. But then I wondered where it was all coming from so did some digging and found out a lot of it was true. This upset me alot as it felt like the church Ihad gone to all my ;ife was somehow defrauding me.

.

Its real easy to "prove" something when you take quotes out of context and ignore everything else that same person had said over their lifetime about the same subject.

Thats all I have ever found that Anti-LDS material does.

[Misshalfway]

I left as a teen because the church didn't fit in with my lifestyle, word of wisdom,no piercings etc.

Came back for my kids but one day from being inactive.Having young kids turns church into work. Getting up early on Sundays so i can chase the kids around the church halls on and off for 3 hours seems like a waste.

Plus we have a lot of Born LDS members who seem to forget that not everyone was.They give the wife dirty looks because of her tattoos.Ironically if she wanted to hide them at church she would have to wear pants, and a tee shirt.

I understand your issues with coming to church with small children. Sometimes they just won't go to nursery and you are left to walk the halls. But it isn't the waste it appears to be. Those nursery aged kids do learn and soak up the truth as any of us do. It is a stage I think a lot of us LDS parents pass thru. But God knows you are there giving the effort and sacrifice of walking the halls and he is a rewarder of such dedication.

And with regards to the tattoo thing -- tell you wife to come sit by me!! I will hold the baby and overlook the tattoo! :)

Any dirty look is reflection of the person giving it! and evidence that they haven't evolved into something more loving and understanding. Or they are really looking at your wife's awesome dress and are jealous they don't look that good. Who knows what people are thinking behind those apparent dirty looks. I think your wife should wear them without worry. They are part of her and her history and part of who she was and where she is today. I have felt the dirty look or two when I didn't loose all my baby weight. It is all good. We can love ourselves thru those obstacles and refuse to become offended or hurt and learn what it means to love those who aren't so nice and then search thru the crowd for others who are needing a friendly look and offer it! :)

[mnn727]

We moved from a ward we loved a few years back, a ward where we had friends and did things together outside Church and when we got to the new ward we had none of that, we knew no one and no one knew us, its was discouraging at first but then we decided to start inviting people around our age over for dinner after Church and we got to know these people and pretty soon we starting getting invitations and all of a sudden we found ourselves not missing our old ward as much and loving our new ward more. To have a friend you need to be a friend.

For the man with the tattoo'd wife, please start doing this, once people get to know your wife they will stare less. Tattoo's are pretty foreign in LDS culture -- it could be they are curious and want to see them, not that they are put off by them. What she takes as disdain may be simple curiousity.

[hordak]

I understand your issues with coming to church with small children. Sometimes they just won't go to nursery and you are left to walk the halls. But it isn't the waste it appears to be. Those nursery aged kids do learn and soak up the truth as any of us do. It is a stage I think a lot of us LDS parents pass thru. But God knows you are there giving the effort and sacrifice of walking the halls and he is a rewarder of such dedication.

Yeah it's great for the kids. My daughter loves primary, although it's the only time she sees other kids so i'm not sure if it's the spiritual,or social aspect she responds to.

But for me i couldn't tell you the what any lesson was on 5 minutes after walking out the church doors.

And with regards to the tattoo thing -- tell you wife to come sit by me!! I will hold the baby and overlook the tattoo! :)

Any dirty look is reflection of the person giving it! and evidence that they haven't evolved into something more loving and understanding. Or they are really looking at your wife's awesome dress and are jealous they don't look that good. Who knows what people are thinking behind those apparent dirty looks. I think your wife should wear them without worry. They are part of her and her history and part of who she was and where she is today. I have felt the dirty look or two when I didn't loose all my baby weight. It is all good. We can love ourselves thru those obstacles and refuse to become offended or hurt and learn what it means to love those who aren't so nice and then search thru the crowd for others who are needing a friendly look and offer it! :)

I've been trying to tell her that the church is good but sometimes we as members aren't but it's still hard for us.

[Misshalfway]

Yeah it's great for the kids. My daughter loves primary, although it's the only time she sees other kids so i'm not sure if it's the spiritual,or social aspect she responds to.

But for me i couldn't tell you the what any lesson was on 5 minutes after walking out the church doors.

I've been trying to tell her that the church is good but sometimes we as members aren't but it's still hard for us.

There is no doubt that it is hard. Sometimes I struggle. Sometimes I struggle a lot. It would be nice if we could talk about it more openly in our wards. Perhaps it helps to talk about it here.

You know, sometimes I wish I had a tattoo from my past. But you know, I'm just not that cool! :) Do people with tattoos like us folks without them??

[tefor]

I recently came very close to going inactive myself. I never felt like I fit in with any of the other guys--I don't play sports (basketball is the social center for the men in our ward), I don't make a lot of money (we've been living in apartments for the entire 16 years we've been married), and have trouble talking to people. I spend much of the time roaming the hallways at church.

After staying home last week, I went to church yesterday mainly on faith. I sang in the ward choir during sacrament, then during 2nd hour talked with the EQ president about getting up a "Menrichment" activity. He invited me to join the guys for volleyball (which I just might do). Then I went into EQ, met a new ward member who lives down the hill from us, chatted with a friend (we swap books), and participated in the Quorum.

Then I went home and felt good for the rest of the day, glad that I went to church.

[bytor2112]

I recently came very close to going inactive myself. I never felt like I fit in with any of the other guys--I don't play sports (basketball is the social center for the men in our ward), I don't make a lot of money (we've been living in apartments for the entire 16 years we've been married), and have trouble talking to people. I spend much of the time roaming the hallways at church.

After staying home last week, I went to church yesterday mainly on faith. I sang in the ward choir during sacrament, then during 2nd hour talked with the EQ president about getting up a "Menrichment" activity. He invited me to join the guys for volleyball (which I just might do). Then I went into EQ, met a new ward member who lives down the hill from us, chatted with a friend (we swap books), and participated in the Quorum.

Then I went home and felt good for the rest of the day, glad that I went to church.

I often feel like I don't fit...even though my Bishop and I are good friends and play golf weekly and the former SP is my neighbor and very close friend. Go figure... my reasons for not feeling like I fit in have more to do with my perception of myself. These guys have been faithful uber Mormons all of there lives, I have been active for three 1/2 years and before that......not active would be an understatement.

[Moksha]

4. I kept hearing all this stuff about the church that at first I refused to believe. But then I wondered where it was all coming from so did some digging and found out a lot of it was true. This upset me a lot as it felt like the church I had gone to all my life was somehow defrauding me.

That is why accurate Church history is always needed upfront, so members do not feel ambushed and betrayed by it later on.

With accurate information comes the ability for your faith not to be rooted on sand.

[hordak]

There is no doubt that it is hard. Sometimes I struggle. Sometimes I struggle a lot. It would be nice if we could talk about it more openly in our wards. Perhaps it helps to talk about it here.

You know, sometimes I wish I had a tattoo from my past. But you know, I'm just not that cool! :) Do people with tattoos like us folks without them??

Yeah I find the anonymous nature of the forums makes it easier to ask the hard questions.

Sure as long as you have a piercing or 2

I wish i didn't have mine, it's not bad, or offensive , it just serves no purpose. Like a shirt i can't take off.

[Misshalfway]

I often feel like I don't fit...even though my Bishop and I are good friends and play golf weekly and the former SP is my neighbor and very close friend. Go figure... my reasons for not feeling like I fit in have more to do with my perception of myself. These guys have been faithful uber Mormons all of there lives, I have been active for three 1/2 years and before that......not active would be an understatement.

Glad you are back in the game, Bytor! you are an asset!

[Raggman84]

I come on this site from time to time. Recently I have read some of the very interesting debates. As long as they don't get too heated I keep reading. For some of the threads I don't feel that I have enough knowledge on the matter to truly add in my two cents worth.

I was very shy, had a gloomy outlook on life and was not very focused on much of anything.

I didn't totally know it at the time but I had a pretty bad case of Social Anxiety, Depression and A.D.D. which can many times be all linked together

When I first began attending my Stake's YSA branch everything was very cliquey. For the EQ Presidency as well as the Branch Presidency it was a nightmare to figure out who was inactive and who had gone away to school but didn't bother to have the church records switched over to his or her new ward.

Since it was so cliquey there wasn't a strong network of people to notice when someone didn't show up for awhile. No one would bother to call and ask how they were doing and what they were up to.

It was very hard for me to fit in because I was shy and it was really hard to make friends when sometimes they would talk to me and then other times they would not.

The Activities weren't well organized and for that reason not as many people would show up. When people did show only half would be interested in actually participating. Thanks to the overall attitude of the branch it was hard to really plan for activities and it became understandable as to why the activities weren't well organized. I think many of the activity members just kind of gave up and began to do the bare minimum.

For whatever reason many people seemed to feel somehow offended or held some kind of grudge against the Branch President.

I already had a negative outlook on life. With all these cliques and various grudges it didn't seem to be a very pleasant and welcoming branch.

I didn't go completely inactive but I would choose not to go to church for awhile and then I would go. I was disappointed at how everything pretty much seemed exactly the same. Everyone sat in the same seats. The announcements for activities were many times " Well we aren't totally sure what we are doing but just show up and have some fun."

It almost seemed like an unreal virtual reality video game. Everything was set up exactly the same each time no matter, where or when you started playing.

As I continually did my usual 2 - 3 Sundays off and 1 - 2 Sundays on eventually something NEW HAPPENED!

The Stake Presidency was there sitting next to the usual Branch Presidency. To the side sat some other men who I hadn't ever met before.

The Stake Presidency was there to announce that our Branch President and Counselors were being released and that a new Branch presidency would then take their place.

This new Presidency really changed things up. They brought new ideas for activities and how to run the branch.

It took some time and some effort from everyone but eventually the cliques began to break up. People who were friends from before were still friends but now all the little clique bubbles were being popped. People who didn't realize that they were being snobby and cliquey began to see how things really were. Everyone began to get along much better.

There is always room for more improvement but things are so much better now than they were in the past.

This Branch President really made an effort to get to know everyone who ever stepped foot into our Singles branch. He set up a movable magnetic name and picture board in his office. By doing this he could know the name and face. This also helped out with planning callings.

The current Branch President also gave me some great advice. He told me that I shouldn't hesitate to receive medical treatment for depression.

I took his advice and my outlook on life changed. It all changed at just the right time when the Branch was changing to become more welcoming. I was able to make some new friends and finally felt that I fit in.

I was on an Anti Depressant for about 2 years. I am now off that but I am currently on a medication to aid me with A.D.D. and now I can concentrate much better.

Although I will say that I may not have taken my Branch Presidents advice had I not hit rock bottom or rather hit what I felt was Rock Bottom.

I was in between jobs for almost 6 months. I finally ended up getting a new job but the guy in charge didn't seem to like me very much and even though this company was supposed to have an awesome training program there was no awesome training going on for me.

The supposed trainer had some issues of his own. He was an older man just waiting for retirement. He had no patience for me. My so called supervisor was also an older guy. He was only around at the tail end of my shift. I worked night shift and he worked day shift so there was really only 30 minutes when we were on at the same time.

Things just didn't work out. Maybe if some of my issues were being treated I would still be working there but then again the guys in charge weren't really training like how the company documents said they would.

I was constantly being exposed to chemicals that had the potential to cause Cancer and other diseases so I guess it was better that it didn't work out so I wasn't exposed to those things for a long period of time.

Anyway I guess my stubborn self had to go through some disappointments before I truly took to heart the advice to get some extra help.

I have seen time and again that I can't go solo. I need help from others and I need help of modern day medicine to keep things balanced.

I now go to church very regularly. I attend the activities. Right now I'm working on becoming a little more outgoing.

It's too easy to fall into a comfort zone. Sadly that's how cliques are formed. I don't want to become what I hated most so I try my best to get to know the newer members or to talk to people I don't know very well.

Edited August 19, 2008 by Raggman84

[pam]

Loved your post Raggman. I hope things continue to go well for you.

[beefche]

I have seen time and again that I can't go solo. I need help from others and I need help of modern day medicine to keep things balanced.

I now go to church very regularly. I attend the activities. Right now I'm working on becoming a little more outgoing.

It's too easy to fall into a comfort zone. Sadly that's how cliques are formed. I don't want to become what I hated most so I try my best to get to know the newer members or to talk to people I don't know very well.

You hit it there, raggman. Even the most outgoing people sometimes feels shy to approach a complete stranger to introduce himself/herself. We can only do what we, as individuals, can do. So, as you reach out to others to make them feel welcome, you will feel needed and wanted and a part of your ward. I would think that if you befriend one of the newcomers, that you would feel even better. Find that one that doesn't seem to fit in or seems extra shy or you feel just needs you. And be a real friend to that person. Call/email him/her, offer to go to activities together, sit by him/her at church, etc.

[Raggman84]

I was in charge of the Branch's news letter. Technically I still am but my co. editor and others who once worked with me were taken away for other callings.

I had been told that they would find some replacements for me this never happened.

I talked to my Branch President the other day. I told him of my concerns about the newsletter and how it's been put on the back burner for some time now. I was not certain if there was any future plans to bring it back or not. I requested that if I there were no solid plans for the newsletter that I would be given another Calling.

He apologized for himself and on behalf of his councilors for dropping the ball on this. He told me that he would bring it up next Sunday and later on we would have an in depth discussion on how to run the newsletter and what should be in it. We would take a look at the people who are expected to stick around and try to find some people to help out with the newsletter.

When the newsletter was up and running one of my duties was to interview a member of a the branch for the monthly spotlight. I enjoyed doing it because it forced me to speak and come up with creative and fun questions to ask during the interview.

The members enjoyed reading about fellow members of the branch. It allowed them to see the goals, hobbies and everyday life of someone that they may not have really known about. It also helped everyone to see that so many of us are unique yet also very much alike. This became one of many tools that helped break up some of the major cliques in the branch.

I'll be glad once the newsletter is up and running again. Not only is it fun to do but having an active calling in the branch gives me even more intensive to remain active and involved.

Edited August 19, 2008 by Raggman84